((Author's note: this is essentially a rewrite of the second season, with bonus homo. Obviously, potential spoilers ahead. Not all of it follows the canon storyline, but there are basically no major changes. The ending I have planned may not coincide with the canon ending, though, since at the time of my writing this, the last two episodes have yet to come out.))
- Chapter One -
The memory of that disturbing encounter replayed itself vividly in Shino's mind. A shadow— Sousuke's shadow; that was what that man was, according to Murasame. But, what exactly did that mean? Was he the missing half of Sousuke's soul? Shino's thoughts clashed chaotically with one another.
'He's not Sousuke.' Shino mentally repeated to himself. Yet his mind seemed to whisper back, 'But, he remembers.'
Frustrated, Shino flicked a small pebble into the canal, watching disinterestedly as it sent ripples across the water's surface. His reflection shifted into blurry fragments, but it was a transient mess that would soon come together again to form a complete image. If only he could gather his thoughts, too...
Murasame, perched on his shoulder, suddenly dug his talons into Shino.
"Itai...! What was that for?!" Shino snapped in surprise, and Murasame took to the air before Shino could take retaliative action.
"Shino, let's go already! You've been staring at the water for over an hour!" Murasame squawked irritably. "Also, I'm getting hungry!"
Shino let out a quiet sigh. "Go find something to eat on your own."
His gaze fell to the water once more, and after making even more of a fuss, Murasame finally settled back onto his shoulder, still harbouring a sour expression.
"Shino? Is something the matter?" A soft voice called.
Shino turned slightly to peer behind him, already knowing who the voice belonged to.
"Sousuke..." Shino greeted him halfheartedly.
For a moment Sousuke said nothing, watching Shino with concern. Eventually, he offered Shino a warm smile, and said, "Have you eaten yet? We could get lunch, if you're hungry."
"Yes! Yes! Murasame wants to eat!" Murasame piped up immediately, and Shino clapped a hand over the crow's beak.
"... Let's go back to the inn, then." Shino said, standing up from the stone steps and brushing some dust off his shorts.
They made their way through the winding streets of the capital, avoiding the main roads that were bustling with people at that time of day. Shino still had an uncharacteristically pensive look in his eyes while they made small talk about the rundown church.
A silence settled between them; it was something that would have been perfectly comfortable under normal circumstances, but as it was, Shino felt as if he could suddenly hear his own thoughts more clearly, and they rang out in his mind with urgency. He wanted to ask. It was an impulsive feeling, but it was so compelling that he nearly stumbled over his words as he said, "Sousuke, do you remember when we went to pick chestnuts in the mountain? You had a fever, and we couldn't make it back home by ourselves."
"Hm? Yes, I remember that." Sousuke nodded.
"And it started to rain, so we had to take cover..." He glanced up at Sousuke, who was looking at him attentively. Encouraged, Shino continued, "Do you remember our conversation from back then? Or what happened afterwards?"
Sousuke frowned lightly, and stared off into the distance for a few seconds, before replying, "Hmm, I'm not sure. Did you tell me something important?"
Shino froze in his steps, seized by a strange feeling that tightened in his chest almost painfully. 'Something... important, huh?'
"We must have been brothers in a past life!" Shino exclaimed, lifting his sleeve to show Sousuke the birthmark on his upper arm. Smiling brightly, he added, "Sousuke, I'm so glad I met you."
Sousuke leaned over to peer at it, blinking hard. He felt dizzy from the fever... or was it that he was dizzy with happiness? Shino rarely ever expressed his thoughts like this. He was somewhat aloof most of the time, but Sousuke suspected Shino was guarding his emotions to avoid seeming vulnerable. In that case, did this mean that Shino trusted him fully?
Without having realized it, Sousuke had leaned over too far, and promptly lost his balance, collapsing on top of Shino. Shino winced slightly when he landed on his back, but the earth was soft, and there were more important things to worry about than whether or not he'd gotten bruised or scratched.
"Sou?! Are you okay?" Shino said, attempting to prop himself up on his elbows in vain. "Dammit, you're heavy...!"
Sousuke had closed his eyes, and was nearly motionless, save for the rise and fall of his chest. Assuming the other boy was unconscious, Shino gave up on trying to get Sousuke off of him, and settled for lying there quietly. As he gazed at Sousuke in silence, a thought suddenly struck him, and he blushed faintly. It was probably the worst idea he had ever had, but nonetheless, ensnared by whimsy and encouraged by the strangely serene nature of the situation, he murmured almost inaudibly, "Sousuke, I think... I love you..."
Shino felt his heart beat a little faster, and blushed a little harder, enraptured with the thrill of his secret confession.
It was short-lived, however, for after a few seconds, Sousuke lifted himself back up to hover above Shino, his skin more flushed than a fever alone could produce, and an unreadable expression etched across his features.
"W-what!? You...! You were awake this whole time?!" Shino spluttered, turning just as red as the other boy. His eyes quickly darted to the side, while his mind raced for an explanation, an excuse, anything at all to say to Sousuke.
"I love you too, Shino." Sousuke said simply, and smiled affectionately. Shino looked up at Sousuke, eyes widening in sheer surprise. Sousuke was positively radiating with joy and warmth, and for a moment, Shino felt his heart soar. Surely, this was a dream...
A few barks could be heard in the distance, confirming that this was in fact, reality. Shino, nearly delirious himself, somehow managed to gather his composure enough to say, "That must be Yoshiro. Sousuke, can you stand...?"
Sousuke nodded, and stumbled upwards, Shino doing the same while carefully supporting Sousuke.
"N...no, wait, I changed my mind," Sousuke suddenly said, and Shino froze, leaping to conclusions even before Sousuke mumbled weakly, "I don't think I can stand..."
He collapsed, taking Shino with him, and both of them fell ungracefully into the mud. It took Shino a moment to react to all of this, and he finally sighed, mostly to himself, "You idiot... don't say things like that when they could be easily misunderstood...!"
"W-what?" Sousuke's voice was a quiet rasp.
"N-nothing!" Shino replied hurriedly, embarrassed by his own overreaction. "Just be quiet and save your energy..."
Sousuke nodded once, and smiled at Shino, who couldn't help but to smile back.
"Shino?" Sousuke looked expectantly at the boy. "What's this really about?"
"Hm? Oh. No, it's nothing." Shino shifted his gaze elsewhere, scratching his head in an obvious attempt to look casual. "To be honest, I don't really remember what I said either."
He could feel Sousuke staring at him, but couldn't bring himself to look back.
"Ah, hey you two!" Kobungo greeted them in his usual laid-back manner. "Hm? What's wrong, Shino? It's not like you to look so moody. Are you hungry or something?"
Shino, initially relieved that Kobungo had appeared to distract Sousuke, now resisted the urge to bury his face in his hands. 'Read the atmosphere, dammit!' He shot a sharp look at the brunet, and said in bitter annoyance, "Just leave me alone."
Kobungo looked mildly taken aback as Shino quickly stalked past him with his eyes focused on the ground. His poorly constructed charade was ruined; there was no way that Sousuke wouldn't be suspicious now. Shino mentally winced, frustrated with himself for having even asked in the first place.
"Shino. I remember what you said." Sousuke called out, and Shino stopped abruptly. "You said that you thought of us as brothers."
Shino whirled around immediately, eyes wide as Sousuke continued, "How could I ever forget that?"
"But then you absolutely insisted that you were the older brother, and here I am, older than you..." Sousuke added without hesitation, looking almost sheepish. "It kind of bothered me, so I pretended to have forgotten about the whole conversation."
Shino merely stared, rendered entirely speechless. Sousuke never lied to him, not now, and not ever. He genuinely believed that what he was saying was true. His memory wasn't just missing, it had been altered somehow.
Tears came unbidden to Shino's eyes, and the twisting pain in his chest grew unbearable. For the first time since their lives had changed, he began to cry in earnest. He couldn't stop the sobs from escaping his throat, and couldn't stop himself from running to Sousuke and clutching at him in despair. Why? Why did this happen? And what would happen if his missing memories were eventually restored? What if the false memories still remained? Would Sousuke ever remember...?
"I'm sorry, Shino." Sousuke said softly, and Shino felt as though the apology could have been for the entire truth of the matter: for all the nights spent together yet lonesomely, for the deeply caring yet oblivious smiles, for all the things between them that were forgotten, or worse, replaced. And he cried even harder, feeling Sousuke's warm and comforting embrace, which was still, to Shino, colder than it should have been.
It was perhaps fortunate that Shino didn't have more time to reflect on everything. As soon as he and Sousuke had heard of the danger Hamaji was in, they were quick to take action, and for the rest of the day all their efforts were concentrated on rescuing her. It was an overly dramatic and unnecessarily flashy affair, for Hamaji was in the hands of the church, and there was obviously no real physical threat there. But it served as a distraction, and now, as he and Sousuke were making their way back to the Konaya Inn, Shino's thoughts began creeping back into his mind.
"Shino?" Sousuke placed a hand on the boy's shoulder, startling him. "Ah, sorry if I surprised you."
"It's fine," Shino said quickly. He turned to continue walking, but Sousuke's grip was firm, and Shino glared at him irately. "What? I'm hungry. Let's go back already."
"You still seem distracted by something." Sousuke said, frowning lightly in concern. "You've been this way all day. Did something happen?"
"Sorry, I'm just... annoyed right now. I didn't get to eat lunch, Hamaji got kidnapped again, and that stingy bastard cut my allowance...!" Shino groused. All of what he said was true, of course. It was much easier to lie by omission.
Sousuke paused for a moment, noting with unease that none of Shino's excuses accounted for the terrible mood he was in before the incident with the church. But he merely nodded, trusting Shino to tell him if something was truly a problem. "Let's go, then. I'm sure everyone's waiting for us."
The inn was just up ahead, and Shino could hardly wait to get there, both to escape from Sousuke's scrutiny and to get some food in his growling stomach.
"We're back! Where's the food? I'm starving!" Shino announced, sliding the door open with a flourish. He immediately noticed the glassy beads sitting on the table, and nearly choked in surprise. "Those beads! I've been looking for these! How come you each have one?"
Genpachi, Kobungo, and Asakeno glanced at one another, before shrugging simultaneously.
"So, they were here all along... and we had thought we hadn't made any progress at all," Sousuke said, mildly amused.
Shino nodded, and reached into his pocket, but abruptly froze. It was empty. Both his and Sousuke's beads were missing. How could this have happened? They had been in his pocket, hadn't they?
"Shiny!" Murasame suddenly leapt onto the table, picking up the beads with his beak before flapping away.
"Oi! Murasame! Give those back!" Shino snapped, hastily chasing after his familiar, and the warm laughter from his friends temporarily drowned out his fears.
As soon as his head hit the pillow, Shino knew he wouldn't be able to fall asleep. The beads were gone. He nearly worked himself into a panic, trying to remember when or where they might have fallen out. It was all in vain, however. Shino hadn't the slightest clue what could have happened. They could be anywhere in the city— or worse, perhaps he'd lost them at the church.
After what felt like hours of mentally retracing his steps to no avail, Shino rolled onto his side to face Sousuke, who was already asleep on the futon across the room, with the blankets pulled up to his shoulders. In the faint light of the moon, Shino could just barely make out Sousuke's facial features, but as his eyes adjusted to the dimness, he could see more clearly, and shivered with a sudden realization.
Out of his usual clothes and with his eyes closed, Sousuke looked exactly like his Shadow.
He couldn't endure it anymore. Not after everything that had happened. Shino pushed his blankets aside and slipped out of the room quietly. Without a destination in mind, he wandered through the halls listlessly, before deciding he'd better not risk waking anyone up and eventually making his way to the courtyard. Outside, the chill night air swept briskly across his skin, but it hardly bothered him. He just needed a moment to collect himself, that was all...
"Shino?"
"Can't I have some time to myself?!" Shino snarled, squeezing his eyes shut and refusing to turn around. "Sousuke, I—"
"... Aren't you cold?"
Warm arms encircled Shino from behind. Startled, Shino opened his eyes, and in the corner of his vision he saw the familiar forest-green cloak billowing slightly in the wind.
"It's you again!?" Shino growled, squirming in the other man's grasp.
"What's that supposed to mean?" The Shadow smiled wryly down at Shino, waiting patiently for him to calm down.
"Leave me alone!" Shino said sharply, though he had given up on trying to get loose.
"Ah, you wound me with your words. And here I was, merely trying to do a good deed." He sighed, turning Shino around to face him. "Won't you at least hear me out?"
Shino stared at him belligerently. "What do you want?"
"I found something," the Shadow began. He paused for a long moment before saying, "I believe it might belong to you."
The Shadow moved to retrieve something from a pouch, but Shino knew immediately that it could only be one thing, and without hesitation he swiped the pouch from the Shadow, and poured its contents out. His bead, glistening like a ruby, rolled out onto the paved ground.
"I knew it! You stole this from me!" Shino said, narrowing his eyes at the other man as he picked the gem up, stuffing it into his pocket protectively. "Where's Sousuke's? You have it, don't you?"
"I don't know what you're talking about," The Shadow replied coolly. "I merely found this on the ground by one of the city's waterways."
"Liar! How could it possibly have gotten there? It was in my pocket the whole time!" Shino hissed. Seemingly unaffected by Shino's accusations, the Shadow grinned, clearly amused by something, and it frustrated Shino to no end. "Where is it? What did you do with it?!"
"Shino, I wish you'd take the time to consider alternate possibilities once in a while," the Shadow said smoothly, embracing Shino once more and leaning down to whisper, "I overheard you asking him. I watched you cry... and I wished you had run to me, instead."
His face flushed with shame and anger, Shino pushed the other man away roughly, and this time the Shadow relented, letting go quite easily. Shino's gaze was piercingly cold, and his tone scathing.
"You don't know anything."
Yet as soon as the words left his mouth, Shino felt as though he had fallen into a trap. He felt as though he had taken a step off a cliff, and was plummeting down, faster and faster, into an unknown abyss. Shino realized, as he stared unflinchingly into that pair of mismatched eyes— one soothingly familiar, one strikingly beautiful —that he wasn't making a statement. He was asking a question.
The Shadow's lips slowly curled into a smile, and Shino averted his eyes to the ground. 'He's not Sousuke.' Shino reminded himself once more.
"Shino..."
"Stop it." Shino said carefully, taking a small step backwards. And, although he didn't voice it, the thought seemed to echo loudly in the air: 'Stop saying my name in his voice.'
"It's all right, Shino. I know," the Shadow took a step forward, leaning over the other's smaller frame, and Shino held his ground in a valiant effort not to fall apart completely. The Shadow bent down a little lower, cupping Shino's face with both hands, and said, "I know that you love me."
"You're not Sou—"
The kiss was over in an instant, and as their lips parted, Shino felt as though he was going to die. Because it was hardly enough. It was hardly enough, yet it had sent a spark through him, a terrifyingly thrilling feeling that ran straight along his nerves. He wanted more, and knowing that he wanted more was tearing his heart to shreds.
"I love you too, Shino." The Shadow spoke softly, and Shino shut his eyes tightly, saying nothing, for there was nothing left to say. A moment later, he felt a hand run through his hair affectionately. Footsteps faded away into silence, and Shino was alone again, more so than he had ever been before.
I think I'm drowning, asphyxiated
I want to break this spell that you've created
You're something beautiful, a contradiction
I want to play the game, I want the friction
- Muse