Faith:
I used to believe in God. I used to believe in a lot of things. I thought the angels were watching over me, and I thought that when we die we go out in some beautiful bright light, well... those who weren't damned to hell. Of course, I don't think like that anymore. I haven't in a long time. My faith in God was slowly lost as I grew up.
My life was pretty normal until I was 14. I went to school, I had friends and a loving family. I guess I still have that, but things started to changed when I entered my second year of high school. One day I woke up and I felt... different. It started out as just sadness, but I smiled and made it through the day. No one ever suspected a thing. No one ever thought that this sad little girl was actually sick and needed help.
Over time, things got worse. I thought that God could get me through it. I had never really sinned. I always tried to do the right thing. But I still felt like I was living in a nightmare and it was just getting worse and worse. So that's when I started to lose my faith. How could God just let me suffer? What was wrong with him? At what point was he going to lift a damn finger to help me?
When I was in primary school I heard about people cutting themselves. I wondered why they would do it. But I thought that if other people were doing it, it would be okay for me to do it. I still remember the first time I cut. It hurt. But I guess it was a way of expressing my shame of myself on my body.
Things eventually started to get better. I was able to smile again, and say 'I'm fine' and actually mean it. I was finally happy.
I lived life like any normal teenager. I flirted with boys, even dated a few. I got in fights with my friends, then made up with them. Everything was going great. And to top it off, I met a boy. He was a everything to me.
We talked every night, he was always there for me. The scars apon my wrists had healed and my life was going well.
"Hey Ava," Cassidy said as she sat next to me. Cassidy was a snobby girl with short blonde hair, she was always tormenting me. We were sitting on the oval of our school, I got there to early so my friends didn't arrive for another half hour.
"Cassidy." I acknowledged her presence.
"How's Balthazar? That's an unusual name, isn't it?" Cassidy said as she smirked. I looked up at her with an annoyed expression on my face. Yeah, okay, my bestfriend had a weird name, who cares? Oh, that's right, Cassidy did. Stupid bobble head snob.
"What do you care?" I growled.
"Jeeze, calm down Ava. I'm sure if Balthazar won't date you, you can always find another guy who can stand you." Cassidy said, and she walked away before I could attack her. I swore that one day I was going to give her a right hook to the nose.
The school day went by in a flash and I was sitting at home, typing away over facebook, talking to Balthazar.
I asked him if I could see him soon, but he had to work. He was always working. I was so happy that I had Balthazar. He would always tell me that I was pretty when I looked like a mess. The idea suddenly sprung to my mind that I should surprise him after work.
It was always a good night whenever I got to see Balthazar. I put on a white dress that reached my knees and had my converses to go with it. Balthazar spent two months looking for a job when he finally got one at some grocery store, he got off around 9pm.
Thankfully it wasn't raining, so my hair wouldn't be ruined. I wasn't one to usually complain about my hair, but I took the time to curl it and it would just suck if it got wet.
"Ava? Is that you?" I spun around to face Cassidy once again. Great. Note the sarcasm.
"What are you doing here Cassidy?" I muttered just loud enough for Cassidy to hear me.
"I came to see your good friend Balthazar." She replied with a smirk, and all I wanted to do was punch it off her face.
"What are you going to do Cassidy? Date him and dump him? Then what? Become queen bitch?" I questioned. Cassidy's smirk fell from her face and she glared at me.
"You little b-" Cassidy's insult was cut off as Balthazar appeared behind her.
"Ava?" Balthazar called, a smile gracing his face.
"Hey Balthazar," I smiled as I stepped past Cassidy and embraced Balthazar in a hug.
"What are you doing here? I thought you had studying to do?" Balthazar questioned me.
"I can always do it later. I decided to meet you here instead." I replied.
"Well, I'm glad you did." Balthazar stated.
I heard Cassidy make a noise of disgust as she started to walk away.
I was so lost in the moment with Balthazar that I nearly missed Cassidy's scream.
"What is it now Cassidy?" I groaned as I turned to her direction. My eyes widened in alarm as I saw a man around the age of 30 advancing on us. He was dirty and had worn out clothes on. But his looks weren't what was alarming. The gun he was holding in his hand was.
"Give me your wallets," he said as he pointed the gun at us.
"Okay buddy, just calm down." Balthazar tried to reason with him.
"Balthazar, what the hell are you doing? Just give him your wallet!" I whispered.
"No way!" He replied, and stepped forward, closer to the nut job holding the gun. "Just calm down, you don't want to do anything you're going to regret."
"I am calm!" The man yelled. Everything happened to fast for me to remember exactly what happened. There was a loud noise, followed by ringing in my ears. I fell to the ground next to Balthazar who had just been shot in the chest.
"Oh my God, Balthazar?" I whispered as I held him in my arms. "Call an ambulance!" I yelled at Cassidy, she nodded and grabbed her cell phone. "Stay with me Balthazar. You have to stay with me, you have to- Balthazar, stay with me." I started to cry and buried my face in the crook of his neck. "Cassidy, hurry!" I yelled at the top of my lungs. My head snapped back towards Balthazar as his eyes closed and his body went limp. "Balthazar?" I whispered, but I didn't get a response.
The next few days went by in a blur. I guess you could say I was catatonic. I could feel myself slipping back into depression, but I couldn't bring myself to care. I didn't speak a word as Balthazar's mother planned his funeral.
So there I sat. In the funeral home on the staircase while Balthazar was having his funeral. I couldn't bring myself to enter that room. I couldn't see Balthazar's body just... lying there.
I forced myself to stand up and I trudged over to Balthazar's coffin. I didn't care that everyone was staring at me, or that I had interuppted the funeral. All I cared about was the fact that I had lost my best friend. And I never even got a chance to tell him that I love him.
"Where is his lucky bracelet? He needs to be wearing his lucky bracelet!" I stated as tears streamed down my face. Someone grabbed me and tried to pull me away but I wouldn't let them. "He was going to be a cop because his dad was one. And he wanted to have at least five kids, because he said he wanted a big family."
The person who had grabbed me managed to haul me to a seat and forced me to sit down. I sat in silence until the funeral was over and everyone had filed out of the room.
I walked to Balthazar's coffin and caressed his cheek. "The angels are watching over you."