The pandemonium got Professor X's attention. Might be another one of Beast's gas uh... explosions, but it was too late for that. Usually it happened during his fiestas in the morning. Xavier got changed into his suit and headed toward the Dining Hall.
"What's happening in there?" he demanded of the first person he saw.
Bobby smiled. "Wolverine accidentally used your Rogaine again. Our resident barber fainted after he saw him. It's almost as bad as when you wore a wig on Holloween."
"Um... yes," the Professor replied, wanting to get off the subject. "I thought Rogue or Psylocke could cut hair."
"Remember when Rogue cut Logan's hair so badly that she had to give him a buzz-cut? And how he went into a berserker rage after that?" Drake asked.
"Oh... uh... yeah. Didn't Rogue say sorry?"
"Rogue was hooked to a respirator. She couldn't say anything for the next few months. I don't think she would be a willing volunteer again." He said dryly.
"Oooookay... what about Psylocke?" asked the determined professor.
"She thought Wolvie's new hair was cute. She refuses to cut it," Bobby said, bemused. "Oh, by the way, there's not gonna be warm water for a very long time."
Just then, Rogue came rushing in from the showers.
Iceman started running up the stairs. "Ooh. That's my cue."
"You're not gonna get far, Drake!" Rogue screamed, oblivious to Charles.
"So, you've met Mrs. I-can-fly-and-I-have-super-strength huh? I think she's had it for a long time coming," said Warren, laughing.
Suddenly, a loud growl came from the kitchen.
"Oh, mon ami, looks like Remy needs a place ta hide," pleaded Gambit.
"You stole his beef jerky again?" Warren asked Remy.
"Uh... so what? Don mess wit da Cajun, mon ami. Wolvie's been guttin' my uniform in da Danger Room again." He complained. "Plus, Psylocke was hittin' on him too. He deserves it."
"Mon dieu!" Gambit exclaimed as he bounded out to the dorms with a very hairy Wolverine hot on his tails.
"What about Scott?" asked the professor. "Where is his leadership when I most need it?
"Oh, him? Well apparently, Beast did uh..."
"Fart."
"Yes. Fart. Even though they did put on their gas masks, as trained in this type of accident, Cyclops was not able to put his on fast enough. The methane got to him and knocked him out."
"Ooh...ouch. I pity Scott.
"Merde...It stinks in da dorms..." Gambit gasped out. "Remy gotta get himself... some...fresh...air..." Gambit collapsed in a heap.
"Mein Gott! What happened to Wolverine? Attacked by Vidal Sasoon? AGAIN?!!" Nightcrawler asked as he teleported in. "5th time inna row!"
"It's not his fault. Apparently, Chuck misplaced his bottle of-"
"Shut up. That's an order." Chuck said, sensing another debate between the pros and cons of Rogaine and the Russian version.
Both men stared at the professor. Then they abruptly laughed at the same time. The professor left, shaking his head sadly.
"Seriously. I think that he's using more head wax than usual. He almost blinded me at first. I regained my composure just in time to answer his questions." Kurt said, almost ruefully.
"Did Chuck actually believe Bobby when he said that it would make him seem more attractive?"
"Gosh, I hope so. Then we could use him as our secret weapon, bringing him in to blind Magneto or something." "Wow. Just thinking of the implications has me worried. I mean, if we had him, there would be nothing we couldn't defeat! Now all we need is a code name..."
With a loud sound, Rogue dragged Bobby down the stairs.
"Ow, okay! I won't, ow, freeze your water again, ow, just to, ow, look at your wonderful, ow, physique. Enough already, ow!"
"Now say the second part, sugah!"
"I, Bobby the wise," Drake looked at her pleadingly, shaking his head.
"Git on with it!"
"I, Bobby the wise...guy, hereby promises to give Rogue all my............OW...Kit-Kat bars." Bobby looked toward the floor regretfully. He took out the box he was holding dearly in his hands and peeled it back to reveal 20 Kit-Kat bars.
"Give me a break! Give me a break! Give me a break off that-"
"Stop before I have to hurt two people, Warren." Rogue said flatly.
She smiled and simply went toward her room. However, before she got within 3 feet of the dorm, she started coughing uncontrollably, as a green vapor grew to envelop her.
"Hey, we don't need the professor! Beast does alright by himself anyway!"
"Well, there goes another Kit-Kat box, victim to Beast and his obsession to Mexican Gonzalo beans." said Iceman, shaking his head. "Aren't there tablets to prevent this?"
"Unfortunately, no."
"Uh oh. Here comes Jubilee. See ya guys later. Oh yeah, word of advice to Iceman: Hide your car." Kurt Wagner said as teleported away
"Huh?"
"Hey, sup guys? Wanna go shopping?"
"Uh..."
"First we're going to Macy's, then Target, then Nordstrom, then Gap, then Wet Seal...
About 3 hours later, with Warren's, Bobby's, and Jubilee's credit cards maxed out, about a truckload of clothes, and Iceman's Saturn broken down, Jubilee finally finished shopping.
"There...always...seems...to...be...another........................another...discount." Iceman said, shortly before fainting. Jubilee, however, was in prime shape, mostly due to the fact that she was the one selecting the clothes, while the men carried them.
"Hello?", Jubilee called with her newly bought cell phone. "HELLO?!!!!"
No one answered.
"How long does something like this last?" a downcast Jubilee asked.
Warren answered, "Around four hours, though Wolvie says that the stench still lingers. We also have to treat first-timers for trauma sometimes."
Jubilee brightened somewhat. "Aren't you at least a bit happy that you weren't at the mansion?"
"Um... no, not exactly." Warren replied as he tinkered with the car. Jubilee broke the silence with a question.
"What was Bobby doing, when he stuck his head into the glove compartment?"
"You don't wanna know. Especially when he's your driver."
"You know what? I have the sudden urge to walk home now."
"Um... Jubilee? You're gonna have to be the one to carry your," Warren gestured toward the humongous pile of clothes, "uh... big pile of stuff." Warren stopped just short of saying what he intended to say when he remembered Jubilee's powers. "Yeah. Stuff."
"Oh. Never mind then." Jubilee quickly said as she dumped some cold water on Bobby. He suddenly sat up and exclaimed, "DIE PIKACHU! DIE, YOU LITTLE PIECE OF -!" Drake sheepishly looked around and promptly shut up. He reached into his wallet for the appropriate amount of blackmail required for concealing this act of just plain weirdness.
"I fixed the car, Jubilee. Now all I need is someone to cool this engine down. Iceman?"
"Uh... I can't. Just don't have the energy."
Warren flashed him a smile and started to give back the money Iceman gave him.
"Whoa! Sudden flash of energy coming from nowhere!" Bobby announced as he cooled the engine.
"That's better. Now let's get going."
"Remind me never to go shopping again, okay?"
Jubilee just smiled.
About 5 minutes later, the trio arrived back at the X-Mansion. Evidently, the green vapor was gone. Even Logan seemed to be fine, mysteriously. Mysterious until one looked up at the ceiling fan, that is. Only... something didn't seem right...
One month later...
A Cajun wearily walked up to the X-Mansion and rang the doorbell. That Canadian has one heckuva punch. He thought with a sigh. I need some more beef jerky.
THE END