It was the hug that broke her.
Krystall had just accepted Rossi's proposal (a proposal she knew was coming, thanks to Penelope's big mouth; she wasn't sure she'd be able to forgive herself for that one) and the team was celebrating with balloons and champagne and hugs all around.
She'd hugged Dave, of course, murmuring congratulations (and another apology) as she did, and then Krystall. She'd hugged Prentiss, because it'd been a long couple of years but having Emily back in Virginia was making everything so much better.
She'd taken a sip of her drink, smiling and laughing and enjoying the festive vibe, and her mind had wandered gently to the thought that it was odd for something so big to happen in the family without Derek around. She'd thought about weddings; about JJ's surprise ceremony in Rossi's backyard and Derek and Savannah's beautiful, intimate service; and about proposals; about what a nice change of pace it was for Rossi and Krystall to be engaged without anyone getting shot or held captive or tortured.
Standing in the happy first moments of David's engagement and remembering Will's and Derek's proposals had had her mind naturally lingering on similar watershed moments in her own life: Shane Wyeth down on one knee with a black diamond ring she knew he couldn't afford while she stood wondering if this was really all her future held, Kevin Lynch leaving her alone in front of the FBI elevators because she wasn't ready to commit to him for forever.
Her heart had clenched and she'd found herself suddenly, violently longing for some semblance of the security she'd felt in the past, when she'd put that ring on her finger and told Shane she'd be his wife, when she'd looked into Kevin's eyes and thought she'd never need another new gaming partner, when Derek had held her in his arms and she'd been sure that she could stay safe there forever.
She'd looked over at David and Krystall, glowing in the euphoria of their commitment to marry each other again, and couldn't help but wonder if she'd missed the love of her life somewhere along the line. She wasn't getting any younger, maybe she should call Sam again, or even Kevin . . .
And then he hugged her.
He wrapped his arms around her unexpectedly and she found herself melting into his embrace, her eyes closing and her head resting gently on his shoulder. She lost herself for a moment, giving into the warmth and comfort of his arms, before all her emotions hit her at once and she realized she was crying and her makeup was going to be ruined and people were going to ask if she was okay and it wasn't fair to ruin Rossi's moment by attracting attention to her own problems.
"Uh, excuse me," she said softly to Luke, turning on her heel in hopes of escaping to her office without causing a scene.
She scurried to down the hall as quickly and as quietly as she could, but Luke must've had extra sneaky special agent shoes, because it wasn't until she stopped to punch in the code to unlock her office that she realized she'd been followed.
"I'm fine, Newbie," she whispered, brushing aside a tear and immediately wishing she hadn't called him that. She knew she tended to react to her feelings by putting up walls, and a big part of her wanted more than anything else to let Luke inside that barrier.
Alvez just gave her a soft, sad smile and followed her into her office, then pulled out her chair for her to sit and leaned against her desk to face her.
She looked up into his eyes as he watched her intently, not pushing, just waiting for her to talk to him, but there for when she was ready, and she knew that love wasn't a thing of her past.
She'd loved Shane, but she'd had to leave for her own sanity.
She'd loved Kevin, but she hadn't been ready to settle down.
She'd loved Sam, but life pulled them too hard in different directions.
She'd loved Derek, she could admit it now, but he hadn't loved her - not in the same way.
And now, looking up at a person she'd once sworn up and down to resent for all of eternity, she knew that - God help her - she loved Luke Alvez.
She loved the way he smiled at her, warm and open and kind and forgiving, even when she called him Newbie and told him she didn't care about his lasagna; and she loved the way he never gave up on what he believed in - including her.
"I love you," she said suddenly, and the she couldn't breathe because she'd ruined everything.
Luke was happy with Lisa, her friend Lisa about whom she cared deeply. God, when was she going to learn to keep her mouth shut? She'd never told Derek her real feelings because, as she'd come to realize, their flirting had given her an outlet. Next time she fell in love, she resolved, she needed to start journaling or something, because telling her respected colleague and relatively new but dear friend she loved him was sure to get her the cold shoulder from Alvez and a talking to from Prentiss, at least.
Oh God, what if they wanted to fire her? She wouldn't just be fired, she realized - she'd go to prison. That had been the deal, work for the FBI or go to prison, and after all these years she'd just royally messed up her gig by blurting out her stupid feelings.
"I'm sorry!" She sobbed. She was really crying now, her whole body shaking and her breath short and tears dripping onto her sweater.
"I don't wanna die in prison," she choked out after another minute.
"Wha - prison?" Luke's eyebrows furrowed as he gently rubbed her back out of apparent lack of anything else helpful to do, and his confusion made Penelope cry even harder.
When Derek has seen those old videos from Shane, she'd been embarrassed, but at least he'd already had some idea about her past. Luke, though, Luke has no idea what she's talking about, and now he's going to find out and it's going to be so embarrassing and he's going to be even more upset about her confession and she wishes she looked better in orange because she's about to be wearing a lot of it.
That's how Emily found them, Garcia crying and muttering incomprehensible about jumpsuits and yard time while a very confused Alvez smoothed her hair and rubbed her back.
"Uh, guys?" She asked from the doorway. "Everything okay?"
And neither of them knew.
to be continued