Vertigo
'What is vertigo? Fear of falling?...No, vertigo is something other than the fear of falling. It is the voice of emptiness below us which tempts us and lures us, it is the desire to fall, against which, terrified, we defend ourselves.'
---
When Emily was little she used to dream she was falling.
She never hit the ground but that wasn't what frightened her.
If Katie had been the type to understand these things Emily would have told her it was the absence of choice. Earth she believed to be solid collapsing beneath her and then that endless inevitable plunge.
Falling in love had felt like that. Like the ground giving way beneath her feet and nothing to do but let herself fall.
---
She walks into the lab ten minutes late for chemistry class and no one even looks up. Experiments continue without pause and how can Emily be the only one to notice the earth shifting and reforming beneath their feet.
She's just a girl, Emily knows that. Just an ordinary girl but the thing is it doesn't matter what Emily tells herself, she still can't stop staring.
Her hair is the most vibrant shade of blonde and she has this way of tilting her head and giving the slightest of half smiles like she knows something the rest of the world doesn't.
Just a girl but from then on she always feels like her girl and Emily's never believed in love at first sight but she thinks for Naomi she could make an exception.
---
Her feet are freezing, she can't stop crying and it shouldn't be possible to feel this wretched yet still be breathing.
Maybe for Naomi she's just not enough and that really fucking hurts, because for Emily Naomi's been all she's ever wanted since the first time she set eyes on her in that stupid chemistry class.
Thomas comes to the rescue with shoes and coats and nothing that Emily actually needs because what she really needs is for Naomi to stop being a fucking pussy and just admit she loves her. But he makes sure she gets home safe at least, just in time for dinner with her loving family. Just in time to tell them the truth.
She wonders why she's still fighting for someone who won't even admit they want her. But then she knows Thomas was right, you can't stop loving someone just because they hurt you.
And Naomi really is rather beautiful.
---
Naomi's stretched out next to her and Emily wants to lean over, wake her with kisses but after last night it feels almost cruel. Enjoying your happy ending doesn't leave much time for sleep.
Her body aches from the fight and she wonders idly if Katie has bruises too. Fresh ones to add to those on her face and for the first time Emily feels a little guilty for acting the way she did. But with Naomi sleeping warm beside her she knows better than ever before that this is worth fighting for.
The light from the window is getting brighter by the minute and it will be day soon but Emily chooses to ignore it. Curls herself in towards the girl next to her, shuts her eyes and lets herself drift.
Images play out beneath her eyelids: one hand outstretched and a sweet half smile.
Even in her dreams Naomi is with her.
---
'She was in the grip of an insurperable longing to fall. She lived in a constant state of vertigo.
"Pick me up" is the message of a person who keeps falling. Tomas kept picking her up, patiently.'