Chapter 1: 2 years, 3 months and 10 days
(In the perspective of Helga)
"Some times I run into him at the grocery store, the arcade, even the movie theater. He's usually with HER. I can hear her annoying cackle from a million miles away. It haunts me. Her happiness haunts me. I duck and cover and hid behind the strawberry stand. I can hear his voice asking her if 1 pound of ground beef is enough. She usually ignores him and throw's some random item in the cart they cant afford. All while I just sit and stew in my own jealousy. I hate them both so much. Every second I live in this alternate universe saps the life out of me. That should be me, It was suppose to be me. I feel like im an impostor in my own world. Who is Helga G. Pataki anymore?. I used to keep my locket with me, even when I knew Arnold was looking at someone else. Now, I cant even bring myself to remember his face. But the fucked up part about it, is that I cant seem to forget. No matter how many times I run into him and avoid looking directly at him. A total eclipse that could blind me in an instant. I wish he would sometimes ya know..Just burn my eye's out of my skull so I dont have to see him with her anymore...Ha! What good would that do anyway when he's already sketched in to my mind". I sat there, staring up at the ceiling, talking away while my therapist scribbled on a piece of paper. She must be so tired of hearing me talk about the same crap over and over. The look on her face is priceless. My therapist probably dreams about Arnold just as much as I do. I sat back on the uncomfortable purple leather couch, sinking my shoulder's deep in to it.
"Helga, I think it's time for you to truly let this go. I know its easier said than done, but you should take the necessary steps" she said. I couldn't help but roll my eye's a bit. I kinda felt bad for her, really. How many time's can one person give the same advice over and over?. I was a basket case that couldn't be solved. "Well, I should get goin', I gotta get back to work" I said in the most unenthusiastic way. I didn't really have to, I just wanted out of there. "Okay Helga, take care of yourself and dont forget to take those steps to moving on" she said. That bothered me. Like a take one pill and call me in the morning type of feeling. I've done everything in my power to move on per say, its just not easy. Especially for someone who literally has no Idea how to love anyone else. "Got it doc" I said, winking my way out her office. I sat down by the bench outside the building waiting for the bus as I usually do on a Tuesday morning. I tend to sit here and remind myself of how time flies or what not, and how it's been 2 years, 3 months and 10 days since me and Arnold last spoke to each other. How me and Arnold had a 10 year relationship before It all went to shit. The bus pulled up with just enough time for me to sink in to my daily depressive spout. I sat towards the back, resting my head in my hands. I continued to overthink again. After the whole san lorzeno event, it took some adjusting for us. People laughed, I punched out a few faces and Arnold had to clean up my battles. I didn't care really, I just had to have the last word.
We had our fair share of fights, but it always resolved itself. I was stubborn and stuck on bad habits, and Arnold was well, Arnold. We shared a lot of firsts together. Some clean, some pretty damn dirty if you know what I mean. I cant help but smile when I plunge my mind into the dark abyss that is my past. As I watch each passing stranger from my Hillwood transit window, I always wish he would be one of them, because lets face it, he's a stranger now. Its crazy how that is. My mind went silent for awhile. I was so lost in thought that I didn't have any. Kept counting those strangers like sheep. My life feels so foreign to me. I've been living in this empty space for awhile now. It's become routine. Im digging for any type of emotion but the only thing I ever feel is heartbreak, pain and jealousy. Such bitter jealousy that it cant possibly leave room for any other emotion. I tugged on the wire to signal for my stop. The screech of the bus tires cut my ears like a knife as I stepped off. Looking up at my 1 bedroom apartment in mid town never looked so foggy. I knew that today was one of those bad day's I had to try to shake off. Lucky for me, I stocked the fridge with a few wine coolers. I threw my key's across the room and jumped on to my 1200 dollar, with interest, black leather couch. I turned on the tv for background noise and shut my eye's. I have this deep craving for something I cant have. Every minute's like a thousand year's, since Arnold was lying here. No matter how many times I febreeze the couch, It still smells like him. I hear him so clearly in my head, like a song you cant forget the words to. Honestly, i've become comfortably painful. The only thing thats completely faded away is the feeling of love. I felt my phone buzzing in my back pocket. I know its Phoebe, It's always her. I decided to answer it anyway.
"What is it pheebs?" I asked. "Helga!" she shouted. The sound of her voice irked me. Why is she always so happy?, oh thats right, Gerald. "Phoebe!" I mocked her. "Listen, I have some really good new's to tell you. Can you come over my house say around, 4 pm?" she asked. I thought about my answer long and hard. I could sit here and dwell on my failed love life, or be there for my friend. "No. Im busy today" I said without hesitation. I could feel her disappointment through the phone. Her deep annoyed breaths in between her sighs. "Alright, alright, ill come" I couldn't help but cave in. She didn't have to say much for me to. "Yay! okay great, my place, see you then!" she said. I tossed my phone aside and turned over to grab a quick nap. I knew that If I had to fake a smile for a couple of hours, I needed to rest up. My dream's never let me live it down. Sometimes I would force myself to stay awake to avoid dreaming of him. It was like clock work. He show's up as if it's the only way to visit me. Criminy, he isn't even dead!. I unfortunately dream of good out comes and past memories. I'll take one nightmare, just one. Then, maybe my real life wouldn't feel so nightmarish as it is. I woke up a couple of hour's later and stuffed my face with junk food. I forced myself to paint a face and wear some decent clothes and headed towards Phoebe and Gerald's apartment. It's walking distance from me, which is pretty cool. I always pass by the same homeless dude who ask's for my number. Im starting to question how desperate I am just by mentioning it. Arnold barely ever comes over so I usually avoid the awkward custody battle of who gets to hang out with them. I headed up the stairs and knocked on the door. Phoebe answered and without hesitation, gave me the biggest hug. I have to admit, I needed it.
I lightly tapped on her back to avoid too much physical contact. "Im so glad you could make it, come in!" she said, stepping aside for me to enter. "Dont forget to leave your shoes at the door!" she couldnt help but remind me. I of course, had to respect her Japanese way of life. "Yeah, yeah I know" I said, throwing my boots across the hardwood floor. I walked in to the odd mixture that is Gerald and Phoebe's apartment. It was like a Japanese/American hybrid of basketball trophies and samurai swords. I could feel a bit of tension in the air. Something wasn't right about this. I slowly sat down on the couch and looked around the room. I dont really know what I was looking for, but something was off. I've seen this apartment so many times and yet I felt like I was at a bad job interview. Phoebe sat next to me and placed her hand on my shoulder. It's as if she was about to tell me I had terminal cancer. What the heck was going on?!. "Do not freak out okay?.." she said. My heart instantly exploded in my chest. I felt chills rolling down my spin like a ghost was present. "Why would I freak out, what's going on?" I asked as calmly as possible. "Me and Gerald have some new's and well, as happy as I am to tell you..." she suddenly stopped talking. Her face went pale, avoiding direct eye contact with me. I heard these light foot steps coming from across the hall. I wasn't even sure how, but I had this urge to run and jump out a 3rd story window. I knew those footsteps and how the smell in the air changed. I heard chatter that I couldn't make out. A voice I trained myself to tune out and another, other than Gerald, who haunts me. I looked over at Phoebe with a mix of rage and fear. I was terrified but the last thing I want is for Arnold to believe that im falling apart. Phoebe quickly stood up as they entered the room.
I remained seated, staring at the mahogany coffee table in front of me. I could hear Gloria's fake laugh ringing in my ears. It felt like knives in my chest each time she chuckled. I gulped a deep long swallow as it hit the pit of my stomach. I was trying to avoid the nausea as I heard her lips pucker up to everyone's right and left cheek. I kept still, waiting for my chance to pretend like the rest of them. Arnold kept quiet, but with every few seconds I could feel his eye's shifting towards me. I felt them without ever looking behind me to clarify. I quickly stood up, turning and facing the group. A twitch plagued my right eye from the sheer stress of the situation. "Hello everyone" I said awkwardly sending out a wave. My eye's glued to a few degree's below to avoid making eye contact with him. My hands were a bit trembly, so I put them behind me. My face could barely keep the fake smile I planted on it. "You must be Helga" Gloria sirenesk voice pierced through me. I glanced up at her and nodded. She was disgustingly flawless. Not a crease on her skin, not a wrinkle on her clothes. Her hair was perfectly waved and her nail's were freshly painted, and here I was, barely even a human. I saw her arm quickly entangle with Arnold's. She knew I was seeping with pain and decided to spite me. She has every right I suppose. Arnold was still quiet, and because I was avoiding his face, I couldn't tell what he was feeling but I could still feel it. He was avoiding me too. With good reason. "So Pheebs, must be huge new's you got to share in order for you to get all these people here together..at once.." I said. I wanted to break up the tension a bit and shift the focus back on Phoebe. "Oh right yes, well.. we wanted to get you guy's all together because well..we're getting married!" she shouted. She held out her ring for us to see.
A part of me was pissed off at the fact that she had to get everyone all together and torture me in order for her to tell us that but a part of me was happy. "Congratulations" I whispered as I hugged her tightly. I didn't want to ruin this moment for her, even though I was boiling inside. "Im sorry.." she whispered back. I couldn't help but feel a bit of guilt. I knew right there and then that I had to give up my pride and figure out a way to be civil with Arnold. I knew I would be seeing more of him after tonight, so I have to make sure this doesn't turn ugly because of me. I gathered up every spec of courage I had and walked towards Arnold. "Hey, can I talk to you?" I whispered. I still couldn't look at him. My eye's kept forward but never upward. "Sure.." he said. I followed him outside as they continued their congratulatory festivities. I stuck my hands in my jean pockets and started to rock back and forth a bit. "So listen, my best friend's about to get married and evidently, so is your's. I think its best if we can learn to tolerate each other and not make this all about-" I quickly forgot my place and my eye's shifted up to him. This was the first time I looked in to his eye's in 2 years. My heart stopped. It broke down and shut off completely. I lost all breath in my lungs and feeling in my limbs. I felt on the brink of collapse but managed to pull myself up. Arnold's eye's were shaded, and gray. Even though he swept me off my feet and had me floating, these eye's were different. The same eye's I've learned from the inside out, were completely shattered. "Helga.." He whispered softly. His voice was deflated and wispy. I felt his soul reaching out to mine and trying to grab a hold. I felt my soul pulling forward to try and touch. "Hey baby, you out here"? Gloria stepped outside. Her presence broke the hold as we both snapped back in to reality. Arnold shifted his focus towards her and smiled. "Just a minute" he shouted. "Sorry, I have to go..let's talk about this later okay?" he said.
I nodded, without even attempting to stop him. I counted the steps he took back inside. I sat there for awhile, pissed off at myself for being such a coward. I wish I could channel the old Helga Pataki. The one who would never let anyone get in the way. I've completely lost myself in this heartbreak. My personality is washed out without my yearn for Arnold. I've been living like that out of love potion actually worked. Seeing Arnold tonight made me realize one important thing. I still love him more than she could ever imagine to love him. That our soul's are still crying out for each other. That no matter how many year's pass, fate is fate. I have to be become the Helga I once was. I have to. After a few moment's in an epiphany, I headed back inside. I stormed in to the living room and leaned up against the door frame. I cleared my throat loudly to grab the attention of the room. I chose to ignore the fact the Gloria was death glaring me from across the room and smacked a sexy smirk on my face. "So, as Phoebe's best friend and possibly maid of honor..-" I glared at Phoebe. "Oh of course you are Helga!" she said, confirming my theory. "Good, because this wedding is going to be amazing and there isn't ANYONE or ANYTHING that is going to ruin it, Got it?!" I said, demanding the room for answers. Everyone nodded with the exception of miss perfect. I glanced over at Arnold who quickly winked and smirked. My self confidence was proceeding me. I could tell from his sneaky smile. "I'll grab us some champagne to celebrate" Arnold said as he stood up and headed towards the kitchen. I wasn't sure if I should follow him but at this point, I didn't care if she saw me do it or not. Phoebe sat beside Gloria to strike up a conversation. She quickly glanced over at me, giving me the okay to follow him out. I slipped out the door behind me and glided in to the kitchen. Arnold's back was facing me while he grabbed the bottles from the fridge. "Can you hurry it up Arnoldo, some of us have live's ya know" I said in a sly but somewhat sexy tone. Arnold quickly lifted his head out of the fridge and faced me.
"You scared me.." he chuckled a bit. I slowly walked over to him and leaned on the counter behind me. "So, How the heck are you football head?" I asked him, even though a part of me didn't want to know. "The truth or would you like me to lie?" he said. The look on his face was hard to read. I wasn't sure if he was annoyed at me asking, or if he was ready to vent to me about how crappy his life was. "Whatever helps you sleep at night" I said. He smirked, letting out a quickly chuckle. "Then yeah, Im fine. Doing just great" he said, faking a huge smile. "That bad huh?, well, Im sorry to hear that" I said as cunning as I possibly could. I might have channeled the old Helga way too much. He just laughed to himself and didn't say much. I could only guess he didn't have much of a rebuttal. "...If it helps, my life isnt that great either. It hasn't been for a long time.." I decided to let my walls down a bit. He glanced up at me as he set down the perseco. "Im sorry to hear that" he said with a slight whisper. I took a deep breath, trying to figure out how to save the situation. "Right well, like I said before, hurry up and get these bottles out there bucko" I said. I couldn't bring myself to save it anymore and decided to revert backwards. "Whatever you say Helga" he said as he usually would. I darted out of the kitchen as quickly as possible and hid myself in the bathroom. I couldn't stand myself right now. How did I let it get this bad between us?!. I know Arnold was trying to reach out to me and I slapped his hand away. I could hear the loud chatter from the living room seeping through the cracks in the doorway. I sat on the edge of the bath tub, debating if I could fit through the tiny bathroom window. "Hey Helga, are you okay?" Phoebe of course, came to check on me. "Im fine. Cant a girl get some privacy sheesh!?" I shouted to her. "Sorry, its just..I know how hard this whole situation must be and Im so sorry I didn't warn you before hand. I just wanted you to be here for the news.." Phoebe said apologetically.
I know she was sorry and to be honest, I was upset at her. "Its okay Pheebs.." I said. I knew I couldn't keep a petty grudge like that for too long. "You dont have to stay. I've already pushed you to your limit. If you want to go, I promise I wont be upset" she tried to reassure me. I took a moment to battle with the idea of staying and leaving. Was I done trying to take baby steps with Arnold? or should I go for the leap instead?. Either way, what do I got to lose that I already dont have anyway?. "..I'll meet you in the living room. Dont you worry about it Phoebe, Im gonna be just fine. Now get your ass back in there" I said. I wasn't sure if I meant any of it or just wanted to come off extra powerful. "Leaving!" she said with a slight smile in her voice. I sat up, walked over to the mirror and fixed up a few natural smears in my makeup. I missed a few hair's in my eyebrows and I could use a lesson in eye liner but I just a fucking human being. After a moment of convincing myself it was better to be average, I headed out the door and back in to the lions den. I shifted across the room, grabbing a glass of champagne and planted down on the corner of the couch. Since I was the obvious 5th wheel, I sat back and made myself comfortable. I sipped on my proseco, tapping my finger nails on the leather, just scanning the room slowly. Phoebe was pressed against Gerald's chest, Gloria was having this boring conversation about plant life or whatever and Arnold was lifeless. His eye's were slanted right and piercing the floor boards. Every time Gloria asked him if he "remembered that" or "If that was a good idea" he would just nod. I couldn't help but keep my focus on him. He wouldn't dare to look up at me, so I felt safe to stare a bit. In this very moment, I was glade to be the 5th wheel. I didn't want anyone's attention really. I just wanted to sit here and admire him, uninterrupted. It's been too long since I last counted the line's on his hands and the freckles on his face. The way he cracks a side smile over every little thing. I missed him so much that after a few minutes of admiring him, It started to become to painful. He was right in front of me but we had this whole world between us.
I knew I over stayed my welcome, or at least over stayed my own patience. "I should get going, its pretty late. I'd stay longer but im afraid of running into homeless dude's who are oddly thirsty for my number. Must be the free boo's or somethin' " I stood up and placed my empty glass on the counter. Arnold's attention quickly directed towards me. He stood up in hopes of getting some goodbye hug. "Bye Helga, thanks for coming. See ya soon" Gerald said as he fist bumped me. He's not a hugger, which im completely fine with. Phoebe stood up and gave me a quick hug. I turned to face the dreaded perfect couple. Gloria gave me a fake smile and wave. It looked like she was physically forcing herself to try. I didn't mind though. This distance between us was enough. I couldn't even handle handing her a napkin without breaking her finger in the process. I glanced up at Arnold, not expecting any type of physical contact in any way, shape or form. So I just smirked at him and brought my eye's up towards his. His eye's were so defeated. He looked devastated to see me go. There was so much he was trying to tell me. I wished in that moment that I could open up my soul and let him fall in to me. But I knew that the ball and chain he had wrapped around his ankle was enough to keep him still. She made sure to keep him from making contact. So I gathered up my broken pride and headed out the front door. The minute the door behind me shut, my limbs went completely numb. I hit the floor so hard that I felt my knee's scrap the concrete. I threw my hands up to my face and started to sob. I couldn't even make it down the apartment steps without a break down of some sort. I started to second guess my initial plan about taking Arnold back for myself. How can I stand another moment in this mirror world I live in?!. Seeing them together in action just makes it so much worse. The only sliver of hope I have left is Arnold's eyes. The question of weither or not he still love's me just from a single stare cant be enough sufficient evidence. Can it?. I finally picked up my broken bones and started walking.
Dragging myself towards my apartment felt like led in my shoes. My mascara was burning my eye's as it slid down my cheeks, painting them black. I haven't really cried like this in a while. Night time in mid town Hillwood isn't the safest place, but I didn't care. I heard a few whistles and holler's coming from a distance but I had a glass of champagne in me, mixed with the heartbreak for a thousand hearts. I dragged my feet up the stairs and in to my apartment. I continued to drag myself to my bedroom and face planted on to my bed. Everything felt so painful. My pillow was painful, the sheets, my own clothing. My heart was dictating everything around me and deeming it "painful". I shut my eye's in hopes of waking up from a dream I was having earlier in the day. The final nightmare I was hoping to have. To my demise I was awake, and in the real world. Shutting my eye's is a dangerous thing sometimes. I see memories behind these eyelids almost every time. Arnold walking in to my bedroom and laying beside me. Him smiling at the idea that I just got off the phone with a telemarketer and told him to fuck off. Him climbing on top of me after an argument, lifting my hands over my head and him just smirking his way down to my collar bone. I can see everything so clearly. Im just an ocean without a tide. No moon to shine the sky in the dark. I keep saying that I cant live this way but I continue to anyway. I opened my eyes to a pitch black bedroom with nothing but a buzzing cell phone light to pave the way. I wasn't sure who was calling me but I had a feeling it was Phoebe again. Maybe to apologize to me about tonight's not so great on my part, events. I let it buzz, and buzz and buzz. A few seconds later it started up again. Buzzing and buzzing. She seems persistent. Without even looking at the number, I dragged the phone to my ear. "What is it now?!" I shouted. There was a few seconds of silence. "Sorry is this a bad time..?" A voice who clearly wasn't Phoebe asked. I pulled the phone out in front of me to see the name or number. "Delete this number" was glowing in my view.
I renamed Arnolds number that a long time ago because I had to keep reminding myself that sooner or later I should delete it. I put the phone back up to my burning ear. "Uh no, sorry I thought you were someone else.." I said lightly. "Ah okay... I know this is sudden but I just wanted to talk to you" he said in a whisper. It seemed to be that this phone call wasn't something Gloria approved of. He was definitely hiding it from her. "Okay Arnoldo, start talkin' " I said. He waited a few seconds before responding. "No, lets meet. 2 am in front of the park bench". I sat there and listened to his nervous breathing for a few seconds. I wanted him to sweat it out a bit before I answered. "Fine. But if you dont show ill assume that the conversation is over. Got it football head?" I said as confidently as I could. "Ill be there. Dont you worry" he said immediately hanging up. I pulled the phone away and stared at it for a moment. I know he wants to talk but I figured it was something as trivial as being civil with one another. My curiosity would most likely kill me, but I didn't care. I was willing to take the risk and dash over to our iconic meeting spot, the park bench. The same bench we hatched our class egg and the same bench where he told me he loved me for the first time. I checked my phone every few minutes hoping the time would go faster. I decided to head over early, in hopes that he somehow did the same. "1:10, good enough" I thought. I flew down my apartment steps and started my 15 minute walk towards the park. The feeling of seeing Arnold again clouded my judgement to the dangers of midnight in Hillwood. I got to the park as quickly as I could without any interruptions and to my surprise, there he was. Punctual as usual. I approached him, hands in my bomber jacket, kicking my feet in front of me as if I didn't expect to see him there. I wouldn't let Arnold believe I was drowning without him again.
" you're early" I said as I stopped at his feet. He was sitting down with his hands on his knees and his head bowed down. He slowly looked up in my direction. His eye's were a bit brighter now that Gloria wasn't sucking the life out of them. He jolted up and wrapped his arms around me. I was startled but I was welcoming of his affection. "Yeah, so are you haha.." he giggled like a school boy. I took in the little time I had left in his arms and tried to memorize it. The smell of his cologne, the grip of his arms, even the warmth of his breath as he spoke near my neck. I didn't want it to end but I knew that he wasn't mine just yet. I pulled him away from me and held his shoulders. "Who said you could touch me?" I had to quote myself from years ago to be well, authentic. "Sorry, I couldn't help myself. I missed you. Im not afraid to admit that" he said. My heart fluttered hearing those words. I didn't want to give in to them, so I tried to make sure to keep my distance for a moment. "What did you want to talk about?" I asked to quickly change the subject. "...Honestly, I just wanted to see you..Is that wrong?" his cheeks were slowly starting to blush. I was surprised to say the least. I wanted to suggest something like "lets run away together" or "Screw Gloria, take me instead" but there was so many scars that nothing I said would matter. "I dont know what to say" i said as I let go of his shoulders. I was truly speechless after all. "Im sorry Helga, I shouldn't have even come here. I apologize if I wasted your time" he said trying to justify his actions somehow. "No, no..its okay. Im really glad you asked me out here. I wanted to make sure you knew that I just want to be civil with you during this whole process of Gerald and Phoebes wedding. I guess I didn't really have the chance to say that to you earlier" I said, trying to be an adult for once.
"That's all you want us to be..civil?" he asked. His eye's grew wide and glared like a puppy dog. I wasn't sure how to feel. I wasn't sure what he wanted out of this. "I mean, unless you have a better Idea" I suggested. I was hoping for a little more out of his spontaneous actions. "I dont know..I dont even know what im doing here.." he said. He started to pace back and forth, running his fingers through his hair as if he was fighting off his decision. "You left me Arnold, remember.. .me. I hate to bring it up but you made the decision on your own. You know how I always felt about you, how I always will. How it sucks so fucking much seeing you with the upgraded version of ME. The prettier model. The perfect white picket fence trophy wife" I couldn't help but let my heart speak for itself. I was sick of feeling like the bad guy in Arnold's secret text message scandal. He stopped pacing as his demeanor quickly changed. "Prettier model, are you kidding me Helga?!" he said, grabbing on to my arms. I couldn't look at him. I was already ashamed at myself for expressing this much emotion so quickly. "She was the closest thing I could have if I couldn't have you..." he said. I could feel his eye's piercing in my direction. I glanced over then back away. "Then why are you still with her"? I had to ask. There was so many questions I wanted to ask. I felt his hands tremble. "...I.." was all he could say. He slowly let go of his grip. I knew that in that very moment, he was rendered speechless. He was conflicted and probably regretting his previous statement. I looked back over to him to assess the damage. His heart was bared and beaten down. I took his hand and held it up to my cheek. I shut my eyes and tried my best to fight back the tears. It was a hopeless effort. They rolled down his hand and hit the pavement. He just stared at me and didn't try to retract his hand away. He let me crumble, even if it meant losing his new and shiny life. "Helga..I.." He started to speak but was interrupted by the buzz of his cell phone.
He had a choice to make in this very moment. I kept my eye's shut to avoid any further heart ache, but that was a complete understatement. With his free hand, he reached in to his back pocket and answered it within a few rings. "Hey, I was just taking a walk. Ill be back soon" he said to her. Each word ripped a part my very existence. I hated myself for believing I was somehow his first choice. Why did he even come here?, why did I even come here?!. I quickly threw his hand back at him and wiped my own tears. "I should go" I said and without hesitation I turned away. I didn't even take a moment to look at him after I opened my eye's, I just wanted to leave. He's seen enough of my desperate attempt to be strong. He had someone to go home to, even if it was a lie. It was a lie he chose instead of the real thing. Instead of me. "Wait Helga!" he shouted. I ignored his call and kept on moving forward. I sped up and turned a walk in to a jog. I didn't look back, not once. I knew if I did that In this case, I was 2nd choice. I didn't think I could feel anymore heart ache than I already have before but tonight was a special kind. It was the realization that I wasn't his everything anymore. I should have known though. His ringtone was playing loud but it wasn't our song. I hated myself even more for loving him just the same. That was the worst part I think. I finally made it back to my apartment and quickly hit the kitchen floor. I crawled to my fridge and grabbed my half opened bottle of Merlot and started to chug. It wasn't going to fix anything but I needed a easier way out. I kept trying to analyze the situation but it didn't change anything. I've always been so brave, strong and unbreakable but when it comes to Arnold, anything goes. I dragged myself and my bottle to bed. My soul felt so drained. The next morning I woke up with my clothes half on and the wine bottle pressed against my cheek. I slid my phone over to me from across the bed.
I had 14 missed calls. 14 fucking missed calls from "delete this number". Hasn't he had enough?. What the hell can he possibly want now? I thought. Just to drive myself further in to the ground I decided to listen to the 1 voice mail he decided to leave. I could barely make out his words. He sounded distraught. I almost wished it was because he got dumped. In between each gasp for air, I heard it. The dreaded few words that would change my life forever.
"I..still..love you" he said.
I listened to that voice mail over 20 times in the passed hour alone. Im not deaf, I know what I heard. The question is, what am I suppose to do about it?.