a/n:
established relationship, heishin. a bitto hurt and comfort. stupid drabble. i wanted to point out the inconsistencies in how we view sex and sexual orientation... personally, i think that everyone's views of sex are a little different, and its no ones business other than you and the person you're having sex with but i guess sometimes we forget that... whatever, anyway, here we are!
Shinichi likes sex.
Not as much as a certain other thief-and-detective duo (Haibara, please invent brain bleach), but he likes it enough to want to do it sometimes.
Heiji is a little more complicated.
He doesn't bring up sex at all, which seems incongruent with his inexplicable ability to deduce what bikinis the girls will be wearing.
("Pink and white polka dots. Pink base, white dots."
"How do you even—"
"Toldja so.")
Still, Shinichi can wait. He's not so invested in the idea that he'd forcibly bring it up himself, and all he really wants right now is the warmth of Heiji's palm in his.
~0~
Life doesn't wait.
~0~
Shinichi is tired. So very tired. He's slept, he's slept a lot, but he's still so tired, swaying where he stands. His soul is dragging him down into the earth.
Heiji caught him.
"You're here. I'm here. We're okay."
And Shinichi just wants to let go.
"Can I kiss you."
Heiji hesitated for a fraction of a second, and Shinichi—later, he'll think he should have caught it. He should have seen it.
But he didn't.
~0~
"Yes."
~0~
("Is this okay?"
"Yeah, it's fine."
"Are you sure?"
"…It's fine. Shinichi. You're okay.")
~0~
Later, as they lay in bed together, legs tangled in sheets with their cooling come, Heiji rolled over to face Shinichi.
Quietly, he said, "I don't really like sex."
Shinichi blinked. "You're asexual?" He was about to go further, apologies already half-falling from his lips, but Heiji shook his head.
"I don't want you to feel guilty," he explained. "I agreed to have sex with you because I wanted to, and because I like to make you happy."
Shinichi frowned. "But I don't want you to—"
"You misunderstand me," Heiji said. "It wasn't traumatizing for me. It was consensual. You asked. I answered. I don't consider myself sexual or asexual, explicitly. I just don't really like it."
"I'm sorry," Shinichi said anyway, because he didn't know what else could be said.
Heiji caught Shinichi's hand in his and turned it so their palms and fingers lined up. "Don't be," he said, slivers of his trademark devil's grin falling through. "I don't like it. It doesn't mean I hate it. It doesn't mean you can't."
Shinichi didn't fully understand, but, perhaps as Kierkegaard would have said, he may never truly understand another human being.
With Heiji's hand warm over his, he's beginning to think that's okay.
a/n:
ftr, Kierkegaard is considered probably the father of existentialism, and one of the ideas he had was that its impossible for two people to truly understand/ know each other, so we're all Alone in the Universe. still, doesnt have to be hopeless. i dont think those two things are as mutually exclusive as he seems to think they are. but whatever.
hope you enjoyed; drop me a line~!