So I am back to writing. Ill try and update my other stories. Sorry its been so long, but i just found my muse. I found it so now im back. Depending on how people react to this story will determine the future of it. If I feel like it will do good, Ill make this into a story. For now its a one shot l. I always listen to what people say.
It was a boring day. Anyone who had to sit through teacher's droning on about things you already knew would think that. Course no one knew that. I mean why wouldn't people know? If people knew how smart I was, I would surely get moved to at least honor classes, not being stuck in prep* classes. Why don't people know then? Is it because of my past? Is it because of how people would think of me? Is it because of how hard it would be?
No
I could deal with it being difficult. I could deal with my past. I could even deal with how people thought of me.
Well no I'm lying. I care what my brother thinks of me. If I were to act as smart as I am, then that would put pressure on him.
No, it's not just that, I'm using excuses again. The true reason is that I have no idea how he'll react, I can only guess. Happy? Happy to know that his one brother isn't as screw up as people thought. Thankful? Thankful to know that I can actually live in the complex world I am a part of. Regretful? Regretful to know that I had to be called an idiot and live a life of teasing. Saddened? Saddened to know that I felt the need to hide it for years on end. Depressed? Depressed to know that he did not know at all how smart his one and only brother was. Fearful? Fearful because I managed to hide my mind from him for so long. Angry? Angry at me because I never told him in all the years growing up together how smart I was. Betrayal? Betrayal because the person he thought he knew is made up of lies. The list could go on.
But I plan on NEVER finding out Yukio's reaction. If he finds out, he could completely ignore me, or just stop caring and I couldn't live with that. I know that I could get some positive reactions, but the positive reactions are less impactful than the negative reactions, not to mention there could be more negative reactions than positive.
There is another aspect of playing dumb to think of. When I play dumb, I also put up a mask for emotions. When I appear dumb, people do not worry about the fact that I could be manipulating them. When I appear dumb, people ignore my eyes more. I can just put on a smile and people ignore me. If people were to know how smart I am, then they would start to realize I wear a mask. They would see how broken I truly am. And anyone who sees that ends up in deep shit.
So I set up barriers. A barrier for my emotions on the top. It takes majority of the hits, but I can easily rebuild it after I get my mind off of the thing that broke it. Then there is the barrier for my thoughts. This one is paper thin. It tends to cling to my emotional barrier. When that one breaks, I lose control of what I say, so I say what I feel more. Last is the barrier for my knowledge. This one may see to be just the same as the thought barrier, but it is quite different. If that one breaks, my entire mask is broken beyond repair. Because if that one breaks, then everything comes tumbling down. Cause if it manages to break, then I will tell the truth, about myself, about my feelings, about my distrust of people.