"I'm sorry Sirius...but I can't...I just can't..."
Sirius Orion Black, known to his friends as Padfoot, watched as one of his closest friends and love walked away from him once again. And, just like before, the retreat had left him feeling broken and hurt. But still, he wouldn't give up – he was stubborn like that. It just wasn't in his nature to give up. No matter what, he would find a way to prove to the distrusting werewolf his intentions were honest.
And that thought was what brought him here. It was the Christmas feast, the big one before everyone left for home during the holidays. The Great Hall was packed, all years across all four houses attended. Sirius couldn't think of a better way to prove his love for his fellow Marauder, than to embarrass himself in front of the whole school. It had taken almost two weeks to convince McGonagall and Dumbledore to allow him to do what he was planning during the feast, and even longer to perfect the routine. Sirius had felt only excitement during he time leading up to the day – there was no way Remus could say no to him after that – but now, with only a few minutes to go, his stomach was flipping so much he couldn't enjoy the feast.
James looked over at his closest friend and mouthed, 'Are you okay?'
The Potter heir was the only student (other than Sirius) who knew what was about to happen. James was the first person who knew about Sirius' feelings, even before the man himself did, and he had unintentionally given Padfoot the idea for tonight.
Sirius smiled weakly and nodded. It was almost time. The churning worsened and, for a moment, he wondered whether it was worth it. 'No...It definitely is...' Sirius corrected as he glanced at the smiling man out of the corner of his eyes. The feelings had been festering inside him for so long...even if nothing happened between him and his Moony; at least he wasn't keeping everything bottled up anymore. 'Yes Moony...Remus...I'm doing this for you...to prove to you how much I love you...'
As Dumbledore stood up from his seat, a smile on his face, the hall went silent, all looking expectantly and mildly surprised by the sudden rise of the Headmaster. "Another great end of term for Hogwarts – I hope you enjoyed your meal...This years leaving feast will be extra special; different from all the previous years by far...because we are going to have a performance from one of our very talent students. Mr. Black, if you are ready?"
As Remus turned to give his friend a look of surprise, Sirius swallowed his fear and stood up strongly, his head held high as he approached the raised stage. He ignored the whispers and sighs that followed him, simply approaching the piano that had been borrowed from the Muggle Studies professor. Once in place, his grey eyes scanned the eager faces of Gryffindor students and locked with surprised amber yes that he had fallen for in his third year.
"I've, uh, dedicated this song to the person I love more than anything...I hope, after this, he'll believe me..." Sirius spoke loudly in the quiet room, before turning back to the musical instrument and began to play the tune that he had practised for weeks.
Oh his eyes, his eyes
Make the stars look like they're not shining.
His hair, his hair
Falls perfectly without him trying.
He's so beautiful,
And I tell him everyday.
Yeah I know, I know
When I compliment him
He won't believe.
And its so, its so
Sad to think he don't see what I see,
But every time he asks me do I look okay
I say...
When I see your face
There's not a thing that I would change
'Cause you're amazing
Just the way you are.
And when you smile
The whole world stops and stars for awhile
'Cause boy you're amazing
Just the way you are.
Sirius' beautifully melodic singing voice echoed around the halls as he serenaded this 'unknown' person. Many girls sighed in contentment as they imagined it was them the infamous Sirius Black was singing about, singing to, despite the fact it was clear the subject was a man, who refused his feelings. In all honesty, the females all thought this man had to be barking to turn him down.
Remus Lupin, coloured red, sat on the edge of the bench of Gryffindor House's long table. Shock was permanently etched into his young face, his jaw slightly slacked, his wide amber eyes never straying from the form of one of his closest friends.
It wasn't that he didn't love Sirius – he did, more than anyone could possibly realize. But that was the problem, wasn't it? Padfoot was his friend, his best friend...this could ruin their whole friendship. After spending his childhood alone and isolated because of his 'condition', he didn't want to lose anyone, especially not Sirius. There was also the fact that Sirius, though he loved him, was (or had been) a womaniser. Sex and women, and food and pranks where the only things he thought about. Just because the women had lost two letters didn't meant that Sirius was any different than he was before the sudden change of sexuality. Remus refused to end up like all those girls before that had been promised the world and had been left high and dry. And he knew he would – a werewolf was hardly the perfect match for anyone, much less someone like Sirius Black.
But that song...it was so beautiful. So perfect, it isn't something you sing for someone with just the intention of sex. It must mean he meant something more...right?
His lips, his lips
I would kiss them all day if he let me.
His laugh, his laugh
He hates it but I think it's so sexy.
He's so beautiful
And I tell him everyday
Oh you know, you know, you know,
I'd never ask you to change
If perfect is what you're searching for
Then just stay the same
So don't even bother asking
If you look okay
You know I'll say
When I see your face,
There's not a thing that I would change
'Cause you're amazing
Just the way you are.
And when you smile,
The whole world stops and stares for awhile
'Cause boy you're amazing
Just the way you are...
Sirius played the last few notes of his serenade, his eyes glued to the keys only rising when applause broke out. Smiling weakly, he searched for those amber eyes and found none. Remus had gone.
"I'm really sorry Padfoot." James spoke sincerely, clapping his clearly depressed friend on the back sympathetically. The two Marauders were walking together through the halls of Hogwarts, neither in a rush to get back to the Gryffindor Common Room. Peter had gone ahead to see if he could find Remus but Sirius wasn't holding out hope. The actions of this evening showed clearly how Moony felt about the situation.
Sirius smiled weakly. "It's all right Prongs. Honestly. I should have known it wouldn't work. Moony wouldn't love me even when I tell him normally. Why would it work if I sung about it in front of the school?" Sirius shrugged, "I suppose deep down I knew it wouldn't work. I guess I was just...hopeful..."
"Sometimes a little hope is a good thing. It's what people love about you."
"Sadly, it's the wrong people I want to love me."
A melancholy silence fell between the two of them, both lost in the thoughts of the love they were deprived of. For a moment, Sirius wondered whether this lack of love life was contagious or something. They reached the common room later than anyone else. It was empty, everyone having gone upstairs to get ready for bed – they had an early rise tomorrow – except for one. Sitting in one of the plush armchairs in the common room, Remus looked up abruptly at them. Sirius paused in his step and the two stared at each other, silently. James glanced between the two of them. He clapped his friend on the back.
"I'll leave you two to talk..." He nodded in recognition to Remus and continued up the stairs to the seventh year boy's dormitory, hoping that his fellow Marauders could sort out their strong feelings for each other, and soon. At the very least, they deserved to be happy.
The two seventh years watched their friend depart until he had disappeared behind the bend in the staircase, when their attention slowly drifted towards each other. Remus watched Sirius closely, biting his bottom lip as he was not sure how he would confront the situation before him. He recited the words over and over again in his head. Sirius felt a pang in his chest as he stared at the man he loved and knew he had no chance with. He didn't realise the rejection would hurt this much, when the time finally came that he realised he had no chance – not with him. Besides, he knew as a Black, everything they touched turned to shit – he didn't want that to happen to the wonderfully naïve werewolf. He shifted from foot to foot, not wanting to stay and listen to the speech that was almost definitely his heartache, but he couldn't leave either.
Suddenly, Sirius sighed, causing Remus to look questioningly at his friend. The tired and hurt look in the dog animagus' eyes caused Remus to feel like he should weep from it. "Look, Remus...I know what you're going to say – that it was stupid of me to embarrass myself up there, and that nothing can ever happen between us, so I should just stop trying. I'm sorry, Moony, I really am. I know you think I'm tricking you or something, but trust me; this is far from a joke...That is beside the point. You don't love me like I love you – I get it now, and I'll stop pressuring you, because honestly I'm sick and tired of hearing you brush me off. You win Remus – let's just forget this ever happened, yeah?" Sirius let in a shaky breath, shaking his head subtly, "I'm going up to bed..."
He turned to leave, heading to the boy's dormitory, when a light grip on his wrist forced him to stop. Confused, he moved slightly to look at his friend, who was watching him with wide eyes filled with curiosity and, he thought, amusement. Remus stepped closer and didn't release the hand on his wrist.
"Padfoot...Sirius...Maybe this time you should have let me talk first..." he stated, his voice holding a hint of laughter.
Sirius furrowed his eyebrows, feeling much like he did in his History of Magic lessons: lost. "Huh?"
"…what you did in the Great Hall that was to prove something to me, right? That you care?" Remus questioned, evaluating his reaction.
"Well, yeah, that was the general idea…I guess I bollocked that one up…" Padfoot muttered grimly.
Remus titled his head to the side thoughtfully. "Far from it actually," At Sirius' surprised look, he continued slowly, "I'm touched by what you did – that song was beautiful and you sounded amazing…was it true?"
"Of course, Moony, I meant every word." Sirius assured forcefully.
There was an awkward moment where Remus just stared at him, something sparkling behind his blank stare. It was nerve-racking. "Ask me again."
"Ask you what again?" Sirius looked bewildered.
"Ask me out to Hogsmeade with you."
The animagus looked uncertain. He'd asked the seventh year Merlin knows how many times and each time the answer had always been 'I'm sorry Padfoot' or 'I can't', so why would that change? He couldn't be thinking of agreeing could he? A glimpse of hope flared in his chest as he straightened out his back. Maybe that sound had gotten through to him. Maybe his Moony believed him now. He could only dream. Hesitantly, he repeated the same seven words that he had become acquainted with over the previous few weeks: "Will you go to Hogsmeade with me?"
Remus looked in a deep breath. "…Yes, Sirius, I will go to Hogsmeade with you – on a date."
Sirius gapped his eyes wide. "R-really?"
Remus hummed, chuckling to himself. "Yes Padfoot, really. I think you proved to me your intentions are honest…that you really do l-love me…so yes, I would be delighted."
Sirius choked a laugh, shocked, a huge grin plastered on his face as if he didn't really believe this would happen. "You, Remus Lupin, are agreeing to go on a date with me, Sirius Black."
"I'm aware of our names Padfoot, and of what I just said," he spoke dryly.
Sirius beamed up at him happily. "I know, I just…oh!" He stopped himself from talking any further, by throwing himself into his fellow Marauder's chest and pressing their lips together forcefully. Remus stepped backwards unsteadily at the unexpected weight but managed to regain his balance and hold him in place – he was stronger than he looked, for obvious reasons. He was surprised at first (it was rather sudden) but soon overcame the feeling to, attentively, kiss back. The pressure between the two was light, relaxing and pleasing. Sirius could hardly believe that this was happening; his head was still spinning from his delirious pleasure at the acceptance. Remus vaguely wondered why it had taken him so long to reach this point with the dark haired wonder he was currently supporting – that, and how he was able to stay up right. He was sure, with the kiss he was receiving; his knees would be buckling by now.
Sirius pulled away reluctantly, when the burning need for oxygen became too strong to bear, and rested his forehead against his (now) partner's. They remained silent for a moment, catching their breath. Remus' eyes fluttered open and he blushed a dark pink – not exactly red – at the intense stare that he was being given.
"What?"
Sirius raised a hand to brush across the man's prominent cheekbones. "You really are amazing, Remus Lupin…And you better never forget it…"