[A/N] What you are reading right now is a random oneshot that I wrote shortly after the completion of "The Dare, the Dress, and the 'Desperado.'" When reading SSBB fanfics, it's usually assumed that they take place after the Subspace Emissary storyline. This oneshot, originally called "The Sh!t List" (but the title was changed for obvious reasons), sprung from me wondering how some of the Smashers would adjust to dealing with others who were sort of like them on a daily basis.
It might be just me, but I think Samus would have a tough time with that.
[DISCLAIMER] I do not own SSBB or any of its characters or related trademarks, etc., etc. If I did, I would make the soundtrack available.
SPELLING IT OUT
Samus Aran was used to isolation. When she had been a bounty huntress after leaving the army of the Galactic Federation, she had always completed her jobs alone and she had never had a problem with it. She just didn't play well with others.
But after the Subspace Emissary incident, she had been appealed by some of the other Smashers to stay on the (recently restored) Isle of the Ancients. Just to get them off her back, she hastily agreed – and was seriously regretting it now.
Samus was troubled by something that she had never cared about before now: exclusion.
She didn't know any of the others too well, and she didn't make any effort to make friends of them. She kept telling herself that she'd leave at some point and the emotional ties would only hinder her.
Besides, the only one she truly liked was Pikachu. Unlike everyone else, he didn't judge or avoid her. And unlike the small yellow Pokémon, she didn't have patience with any of the other Smashers. They were irritating, rude, disturbing, and in general, set her teeth on edge…
Her frustration had been starting to break through her cool façade – enough so that she was summoned to Master Hand's study today.
And she didn't take too kindly to people trying to pick apart her mind.
"Ms. Aran – Samus – please." The giant white glove impatiently tapped his pointer finger on the floor. "There's no need to be so rude. I just want to figure out what's going on.
"Now," he went on, ignoring her stony glare, "are you having any… trouble from the other Smashers?"
Samus shrugged. "Nothing I can't take care of." By not giving a damn.
"Yes, you are more than capable of dealing with crises. I merely wish to assist in any way I can. Are they bothering you?"
"Indirectly."
"So it's their habits and mannerisms, then?"
She nodded stiffly.
" I see…" Master Hand mused. "Ms. Aran, would you be so kind to meet me back here tomorrow? Bring a list of why the Smashers upset you. Thank you, and good-bye."
And just like that, she was dismissed.
The blonde bounty huntress slumped at her desk, gripping a chewed pencil in her hand and staring at the same faded piece of notebook paper that she had pulled out of a drawer fifteen minutes ago.
She didn't even know what Master Hand was attempting to accomplish by having her make a list. It was easy enough to compile an agenda of objectives in her head, but physically write something? Her handwriting sucked, but the worst part was that it would be revealing. Revealing of what she truly thought. For a moment, she had a horrible vision of her list tacked up on the bulletin board in the cafeteria and everyone reading it.
Why do I even care about that? Samus snorted. What the hell. Couldn't hurt. She carefully printed six words in the top margin:
Why the Smashers Piss Me Off
She scrutinized it, crossed it out, and wrote a new title beside it.
Why I Don't Like ANY of the Smashers
My handwriting's actually not that terrible. Samus paused, thoughtfully tapping the pencil on the edge of the desk.
Then she started writing furiously.
Mario and his constantly mentioning that he was "the most beloved video game character in the world." The painful shyness of Luigi and Olimar. Link's social awkwardness. The snooty, regal airs of Zelda and the overwhelming girlishness of Peach. The lack of intelligence of Donkey Kong's and King Dedede's. Bowser's roaring and Diddy Kong's incessant shrieking.
Fox, Falco, and Wolf – all of them considering themselves as "ladies' men." The never-ending appetites of Yoshi and Wario, eggs and garlic respectively. The completely absurd appearances of Kirby and Jigglypuff, two pink puffballs too many. Pit's horrible jokes and pick-up lines. Ness' constant cheer, and in stark contrast, Lucas' fear of everything.
R.O.B.'s lack of emotion. The stubbornness of the always-whiny Pokémon Trainer. Lucario's stony silence. Meta Knight's ridiculous theatrics. Captain Falcon constantly hitting on her. Sonic's cockiness and Ganondorf's malevolent presence.
All night, she sat at the desk, outpouring her anger and frustration and loneliness through her rapidly scribbling pencil and into the paper – too much of it.
That morning, after a long night of fury, Samus finally read her list for the first time.
She began to feel a little remorse. With her near-dull pencil, she began to cross off some names. More and more names were slashed through until almost none remained.
Maybe Marth really was straight and Ike didn't have anger issues. Perhaps Mr. Game and Watch just wanted a little attention for his shadow puppet shows. The Ice Climbers weren't really all that threatening, and neither was Toon Link; the latter was merely perpetually hyper.
In the future, she might practice her gymnastics skills with Sheik. Go down to the shooting range with Snake. Bond with Pikachu a little bit more.
Get to know them. All of them.
Then she could pass judgment a little more fairly.