Disclaimer: Yeah, it's still not mine...
A/N: So, I've finally gotten the companion piece to Gone up...life has been crazy for me in the last couple of weeks, but I'm finally catching up, which is rather sad, since my time is going to be taken up by other things in a couple of weeks. But, for now, there are updates on the way, and things to plot. This is in Rosto's point of view, and, as Gone was, it is still a limited point of view. I've been considering playing with it in a larger fic, but I don't think I'm going to have time, with all the other stuff I have to work on. But, this should answer a few questions, and I'm pretty happy with it to begin with. Don't forget to review!
There are many things I regret in my life. Some not so much as others, but one or two in particular. I don't regret all of them. I don't regret leaving my homeland, where I was not wanted. I do regret some of the things I've done.
I left her. Alone. Without even leaving her with the reason why I was going away. I regret that. I had no choice in the matter, but I still regret it. It is my fault that she was hurt by that. I knew it was coming sooner or later, but I was hoping that she wouldn't get involved or be forced into the equation.
I should have known better. I was the King of the Rogue, and anyone and everyone could have been used against me. I was the Rogue, and I wasn't supposed to have friends. But I had them. And I don't regret that. I regret that I was forced to betray them and walk away. I regret not telling them why, and hiding behind my mask yet again.
Even hurting, I should have told them. I was too scared, though. After…after Beka became the Bloodhound, and all that happened in Port Caynn, I tried to distance myself. I regretted that. I locked my heart away, and tried not to let it out, or let her in again.
I don't know where my heart softened, where she managed to work her way in. Beka shouldn't have meant that much to me. I regret that I let her in that way. I don't regret loving her, even if she didn't know. Even if I didn't tell her, what she did, though she didn't know what it did to me, I still cared more than I should have. It wasn't right.
Justifying what happened does not help. I hate that I had to walk away like that. And I do regret. Before then, I never did. I was a cold man, one who didn't really care, though I made it seem like it. I wanted the power, and the entertainment of being the Rogue. If I made things better, it would be because it was better for me. But somehow, Beka changed that.
After that first sight, I was doing it for her, and for the City that she loved. I cared about her without even knowing it. I don't know why. I knew that it was just a weakness, and it was just something someone could use against me in the end. For some reason, I still didn't care. I knew what it would cost me, but I didn't care. She changed me, and it scares me sometimes. I care now.
In the end, it was because of that that I had to leave. My teacher – former master – and my father used her against me. They threatened her life if I didn't leave, and didn't return to the capital of Scanra. Somehow, the two of them knew that she had broken through the shield I had put up for just that reason. I liked Aniki and Kora well enough, but there was something about Beka that cracked that shield, and I really began to feel how I acted. She hurt me at Port Caynn, and it confused me. It made me so angry that she would do that, when I was clearly a better option for her. I tried to hide it, and not let her know. I tried so hard, and she still knew it, and all of those efforts weren't worth a thing.
It was a simple deal. They came to me late, after she had left the Dove with Aniki, who had wanted to show her something, and confronted me. It was her life, or mine. If I didn't leave, they would kill her. In the years before, I would have ignored them. But not for her. I had no choice.
I made her think that it was her fault that I was leaving, so that she would think that I didn't care about her anymore. I can only hope that she believes that, and won't come looking. If something happened to her because of that, I don't know what I would do…
I could have protected her from them before, and I might have had a chance. But I didn't, and I lost her, even if there wasn't a chance.
And I regret that. But I don't regret loving her, even if it was doomed from the start, and even if she hates me now. I don't regret it.