Traps of Our Own Actions
Chapter One: Your Biggest Mistake
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
What am I, darlin'?
A whisper in your ear?
A piece of your cake?
What am I, darlin'?
The boy you can fear?
Or your biggest mistake?
-Cheers Darlin' (Damien Rice)
"I'm no good for you, Bella."
"Don't be ridiculous." I wanted to sound angry, but it just sounded like I was begging. "You're the very best part of my life."
"My world is not for you," he said grimly.
"What happened with Jasper -- that was nothing, Edward! Nothing!"
"You're right," he agreed. "It was exactly what was to be expected."
"You promised! In Phoenix, you promised that you would stay---"
"As long as that was best for you," he interrupted to correct me.
Page 69 - New Moon
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Charlie didn't think Bella, his one and only daughter, his little girl, should be moving to New York City.
"You're still a baby, Bells," he said, exasperated. Charlie Swan was leaning against the door frame of his daughter's bedroom. He had aged more physically in the past few months than he thought possible. His dark brown hair was becoming increasingly streaked with shiny grays, and the wrinkles in his forehead looked as if they had been carved out of stone, rather than they'd gradually development since Bella told him she was moving out.
"Dad, " she began, pausing briefly to plan out her next words. "I'm doing this, okay? I have to do this." There was a pleading look in her eyes. Bella needed her dad to be okay with this. She has already gotten her degree at the University of Washington School of Medicine in Seattle. She has spent enough time away from home. Why had he not gotten used to this yet?
Because its 2500 miles away this time. Because you are moving to New York City. Hardly the safest place for a person like you to be, said a velvet voice in Bella's ear.
Dammit. She thought. Bella had been struggling with this since he left. She had begun to hear his voice less and less as time went on, but it was still there, haunting her.
Recently, the voice has been trying to convince her that moving to New York was a stupid idea. Bella cringed when she heard it this time. He was ridiculing her. Or rather, she was ridiculing herself, passing it off as him. She knew that it was a stupid idea to move there on her own, but she felt she needed to do this. For some inexplicable reason, Bella felt like she belonged there, as if there was some sort of magnetic pull, dragging her towards the city, whispering sweet words of confidence to her. You'll be happy there. It was probably a lie, but curiosity got the best of her.
Bella suddenly snapped out of her day dreaming. Charlie was speaking to her, and she hadn't heard a word he said.
"Bella? Bella, are you even listening?"
She looked at him apologetically. "Sorry dad..I didn't catch that?"
"Figures," he grumbled, "I said you should probably be getting to bed. You have a long day ahead of you." He bent down to give her a kiss on the cheek, turned, and left the room, closing the door softly behind him.
Charlie still didn't know Bella's secret. In fact, no one knew Bella's secret. Even Alice, had missed that bit of information. She has been so desperately hiding away her visions of Bella from Edward's prying mind reading, that she did not notice the change Bella had gone through shortly after the Cullens left.
Victoria had gotten her revenge merely hours after Edward left Bella alone in the woods. She came across Bella's sent, and tracked her down, so that she could bite her, and left her to suffer - or die- on her own. Bella woke up three days later in the woods, miraculously without a single craving for blood. It was something she had yet to understand. Why wasn't she thirsty? From everything she had read, and had been told, the amount of self control that the Cullen's had took years of practice, and yet for some reason, Bella was unfazed by the sent of a humans blood. She felt no thirst, no need for blood. In the years since their disappearance, Bella had never bitten a single person. She had survived on animals just like they did.
Bella covered up her absence by lying to Charlie. She eventually returned home, after she was confident enough that she would not hurt him, or anyone else. He was furious with her and her explanation, but he believed her. After all, it was good to have his daughter back, safe and sound. So what if she had unexpectedly left for Seattle for a few days to 'try and start over, and move on from Edward'? He believed it was plausible, and that was all that counted. Of course, there were certain things that Bella had a hard time explaining to her father. Her sudden change of appearance was supposedly because while in Seattle, she had decided to take better care of herself, believing that she was in serious need for some change. Charlie accepted this, and had nodded mutely when she told him. It must be a woman thing, he had thought, and he never brought it up again.
Her body temperature change was a different story that Bella could not explain. Eventually, Charlie had stopped asking, although Bella often wore more covering clothing so that if he came in contact with her skin, in a hug for example, he would be less likely to notice.
Bella moved away to school soon after her transformation, meaning less time with Charlie, but also less time spent trying to hide. At school, she did not need to pretend to go to bed, whilst secretly sneaking out the window to hunt. She could spend her nights studying for lessons, working on her assignments. All those long nights had seemingly payed off, because Bella was now heading into an internship at 's Hospital a year earlier than she should be.
Bella sighed. She had another long night ahead of her, pretending to sleep. She packed the final few articles of clothes into the suit case sitting open on her bed, and zipped it shut. Bella pulled it off the edge and let it fall to the floor with a loud thud.
Damn, she thought. At least it wouldn't bring Charlie running. He hadn't noticed that she had the gracefulness that accompanied being a vampire, not that he would have been able to put two and two together. Sometimes to keep up the act as a human, she would stumble intentionally.
Bella began to slide the suitcase across the floor as quietly as she could, intending to push it away from the bed and up against the wall, when she realized it was caught on something. With ease, Bella picked it up and dropped it down next to her, and saw a gaping hole in her floor. One of the boards must have been loose, and was flipped up with the impact of the suitcase. That however, was not what caught her attention. It was the pile of items shoved into the small space that drew her attention.
Bella sat down on her kness. Inside the hole in the floor, there was an envelope with her name written on it, a box for a car radio, and a cd. Bella felt her heart jolt, or rather it would have, had it still been beating. With shaking hands, she reached down, and picked up the items. Instinctively, Bella grabbed her small stereo and pulled it towards herself. She flipped open the top and shoved the cd inside, smashing the play button with aggression.
She knew what the cd was long before the stupid old stereo began to play. Remorse hit her hard. She should not be listening to this. Stupid, fucking curiosity. It had gotten the best of her again.
But Bella couldn't bring herself to stop the cd. The music drew her in, drowning her in emotions that she had not let herself feel for a long time. The barriers she had built for herself suddenly came crashing down. She couldn't do it anymore. She couldn't ignore the feelings she had bottled up. Bella began to sob, tearless sobs. She curled herself up in a ball on the floor.
She spent the entire night that way; Edward's piano music softly playing in the background. It was almost, almost, like he was there next to her, humming her lullaby in her ear, singing her to sleep like he used to. Only this time, she wouldn't be sleeping, and this time he wouldn't be holding her.
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Days later, Bella had moved in to her little apartment in New York. Charlie had come with her initially to help set up the few items she had brought with her, and helped he pick out some basic, cheep furniture from a store near by. He stayed over night, and flew back to Forks early the next morning. Bella missed him already.
"What to wear.." Bella muttered to herself. She had an hour before her first day as an intern. She looked around her room nervously and thought instantly of Alice. What would Alice suggest she wore today? No. she thought. Don't do this to yourself, Bella. The other night was one time. It won't happen again.
Ever since discovering her birthday gifts hidden under the floorboards in her old bedroom, Bella had been forced to start her regime all over again. She had to repackage her thoughts of the Cullens, especially of Edward. They had come back out in the open- a place that left her feeling vulnerable. She should have been stronger, but with every moment that she thought about them again, she became like a pile of rubble.
This was New York though. A completely different city than Forks, which Bella believed to be the perfect place to begin a new life, in a line of work that surprisingly, she handled very well since her transformation. Before becoming a vampire, she would not handle the site or even smell of blood. But now, there she stood, a young vampire, ready to go start work as a Doctor's intern in a hospital. If one thing was sure, she was fucking proud of herself. She had never heard of another vampire as young as her with such powerful restraint. She didn't know why she was like that, but she accepted it happily nonetheless.
Finally, Bella was ready to go. The nerves kicked in as she thought about what she was about to do, but she had to stop herself and laugh for a moment. Had she been human right now, she would be a thousand times more nervous. She had that to be thankful for.
Slipping on a pair of dressy, but appropriate shoes, Bella left the apartment and headed to the hospital. Fortunately for the interns, today was just a day to meet with their doctors and get to know one another better. The intention was to learn their work history, and give the doctors a better idea of their knowledge. Before hand, each Doctor would have gotten a chance to read over their resume and pick an intern they wanted to assign to themselves. This intern would shadow them for the next year. Bella prayed she got someone kind. However, she mentally prepared herself for the worst. For all she knew she could end up being stuck with a doctor who hate her guts.
She laughed to herself as she thought about her nerves. She wasn't really nervous about hiding her secret at least. That was good. After all, Carlisle had been able to do it for a very long time. Bella stopped herself right there. No more Cullens. None.
When Bella arrived at the hospital, there was an intense atmosphere. The usual hustle bustle of doctors, nurses and patients, racing down the halls in various directions. Bella hurried to the front desk without drawing too much attention to herself or getting caught in the way of anyone in a hurry.
"Hello," the nurse behind the desk greeted her with a warm smile. "Are you here to visit a patient, Dear?"
"No. I'm actually here for the internship.. I was told to ask at the desk?"
The nurse smiled widely at Bella again. "Oh! Wonderful! Just a moment dear." She began shuffling through a stack of papers to her left. "What is your name?"
"Isabella Swan."
The nurse dug through the pile for a moment longer, and came across Bella's file. "Isabella...."
"Just Bella, please," she interjected.
Across from her, the nurse looked up to meet her eye, "Sorry, Bella.. I've got your file here. If you'll follow me, I'll take you to your new boss' office."
Bella nodded and waited for the nurse to walk around the desk. She ushered Bella towards the elevators and pressed up. Third Floor. It felt longer than three floors to Bella. It seemed like forever, as they climbed slowly up, floor by floor. Bella silently laughed to herself again. If only she were human.. she was certain she would have fainted from nerves already. No need to worry about that anymore.
The nurse stopped walking when they got the entrance way of the hall. "Third door on the right, Dear. Just knock first before you go in."
Bella nodded to her, smiled, and strutted down the hall. She paused when she reached the door. Before she could even knock, a voice from inside told her to come in. There was something familiar about his voice that Bella couldn't quite place.