A/N: OK, so this is Jade-centric and it is quite dark. It is also very AU. Cat exists but she doesn't in a sense but you'll have to read the story to be able to understand what I mean!
DISCLAIMER: I don't own Victorious; all rights go to Dan Schneider.
Nor do I own the song 'Girl Next Door' by Saving Jane.
Anyways: ENJOOYYY!
Have you ever heard of 'outer-body experiences'?
They can sometimes happen to people with mental illnesses, such as Dissociative Identity Disorder; more commonly referred to as Multiple Personalities or Split Personalities.
Well; if you do happen to have Split Personality Disorder then 'outer-body experiences' occur more often than most people think they would.
People assume you just change personalities. So you could go from an Angel to a Devil. Well; that can be right but that is mostly bi-polar.
No, Multiple Personality Disorder is not as simple as that. You change your perspective on everything. Anything you could've previously agreed with; could be the perhaps the worst thing you have ever heard.
You change minds. You take on this whole new persona; where as previously you could've hated leaving the house, you now love the outdoors. But only when you're this person.
This happens to me alot.
I would normally go by the name of Jade West, known as the 'emo, psycho girl'. But then I change; I change into this girl who is someone completely different.
When I am her I'm happy, bubbly innocent. Until I notice the scars on my arms. I cut myself to prevent Dissociation.
Dissociation is when you feel body dis-attachment, which is when you feel like someone you're not. When I'm her; I feel like I'm not really here. Like I'm just imaginary, but people fear me. They think I'll snap out and become someone else.
She does have a name by the way; I forget to mention it. Her name is Caterina Valentine. In my mind she is petite, with long red hair, much like a red-velvet cupcake. That is her favourite snack just for the record. She gets ashamed with me if she finds out I cut. And she won't talk to me for days on end. That is like torture for me; I need her. I crave her attention. But sometimes, when I'm in a neutral state like I am now; I know and I realise that she isn't real and that makes me sad. But singing makes me happy; I love Linkin Park and A Day To Remember. Do you want me to sing for you?
Really? Thanks!
I wrote this song about Cat.
Small town homecoming queen Senior class president
She's the star in this scene
There's no way to deny she's lovely
Perfect skin, perfect hair
Perfumed hearts everywhere
Tell myself that inside she's ugly
Maybe I'm just jealous
I can't help but hate her
Secretly I wonder if my boyfriend wants to date her[Chorus:]
She is the prom queen I'm in the marching band
She is a cheerleader I'm sitting in the stands
She gets the top bunk I'm sleeping on the floor
She's Miss America and I'm just the girl next door
She must be heaven sent
She was never the last one standing
A backseat debutante
Everything that you want Oh and I'm just the girl next door I don't know why I'm feeling sorry for myself She is the prom queen I'm in the marching band
Never too harsh or too demanding
Maybe I'll admit it
I'm a little bitter
Everybody loves her but I just wanna hit her[Chorus]
I spend all my time wishing that I was someone else
She is a cheerleader I'm sitting in the stands
I get a little bit, she gets a little more
She's Miss America and... she's Miss America
I'm just the girl next door...
I wish I didn't feel that way but everybody does love Cat; although they can't see her beauty they see her personality.
People joke around asking me when 'I'm getting Cat out again' or 'when is Cat coming back, we miss her.'
People assume that I don't understand how different out personalities are, but I do. And sometimes I just want to be more like her! I want people to look at me and think admire me for always being happy and positive.
I know I have a mental illness, and I'm fine with that.
Do you want to know why?
Because I have gained a friend out of it.
I know she'll never leave me.
I know she loves me no matter what.
She understands me more than my parents do. And more than my therapist does. And when I have to go to the 'special hospital' the ladies who work there; they like me but they love Cat.
Cat makes more and more frequent appearances and in my eyes that is a good thing but when my mom asked my doctor about it; he said it was bad because it means that I am a threat to myself because I'll become more Dissociative, therefore I'll cut more often and deeper in an attempt to stop myself from feeling that way. This means I'm more likely to cause myself serious harm.
But I don't mind; as long as Cat's around.
The doctors call it a 'psychotic break'.
I call it a permanent sleepover. She never leaves me and I swear I have better and more fluent conversations with her then I do any of my other friends. Even though she does get side-tracked easily. She likes to talk about her brother who is in a 'special hospital'.
My doctors and my parents say I am recreating my personal image of brother who hung himself when I was younger.
He had schizophrenia like my Granddad.
My brother was so funny. And nice; but my parents said he was dangerous and sent him away for long periods at a time. Much like they have begun to do with me.
But I'll be OK, as long as Cat's around.