A/N : Most events here were NOT REAL, they were made up by me. And of course, Japan doesn't legalize same-sex marriage. I made it up for the sake of the story. It's fiction after all, so just enjoy it :)
Btw thanks to n_nami-san for betaing this!
.
.
.
"Love and A Marriage"
.
.
.
"Hey," Hiroshi said silently. Daisuke didn't respond. The man just sat in front of him, didn't even bother to look up from his manga. "Daisuke."
"Hm?" Daisuke hummed, still didn't take his eyes from his manga.
"Let's get married." Hiroshi said. This time, Daisuke looked up.
His face was blank for a moment before he asked,
"What?"
"I said, let's get married."
"Are you crazy?" That was rude, but Hiroshi already expected it.
"I'm not. I'm proposing to you right now. Let's get married."
Silence.
"You're drunk. Come on. Time to go to bed." Daisuke stood. He reached for Hiroshi's arm and tried to get him up.
"I'M NOT DRUNK, okay? I just drank about—well—two or three or—" Hiroshi frowned. He was indeed a little dizzy, but it didn't mean that he was drunk. He was perfectly okay.
"Yes. You're drunk. Sometimes you get drunk just because you drink too much oolong tea and now you drank three cans of beer. Come on."
"I AM NOT!" Hiroshi raised his voice. He slapped at Daisuke's hand and stood on wobbly legs. Daisuke rolled his eyes.
"Fine. You're not drunk. But you need to go to sleep. It's already late. Come on, I'll accompany you." Hiroshi protested for a moment, but then he obeyed. He didn't refuse when Daisuke guided him to his bedroom. He didn't protest when Daisuke helped him to lay on his bed, and he looked at Daisuke silently when the man laid down beside him. Without saying anything Hiroshi hugged Daisuke's waist, buried his face in his lover's chest and inhaled his calming fragrance.
"I'm serious, you know. About marriage." Hiroshi said in a low tone. Daisuke chuckled.
"Of course you are."
"Don't do that."
"Do what?"
"Making fun of me when I'm being serious."
Daisuke inhaled. His chest rose when he did so.
"You're not serious. I know that. It's just the influence of the alcohol."
"Why do you do that?"
"Do what?"
"Did you really stop believing in me?"
Silence fell for a moment, and Hiroshi thought that Daisuke would never answer his question. But then he could hear Daisuke's voice, low and slow,
"I'm sorry."
Hiroshi pressed his face onto Daisuke's chest when he cried silently.
.
.
.
It was already six years after they started this strange relationship. They were always together since their radio program DGS started eight years ago, and at some point, their relationship changed. At the beginning, they were just colleagues. Then that changed into being friends. Seven years ago, Hiroshi was diagnosed with cancer. His chance of live was low, and at the time he was hopeless. He quit his job, broke contact with everybody and just left. He didn't have a chance to live, after all, so he might as well make it easier for everybody to say goodbye.
But Daisuke found him. He encouraged him to do the operation, even though it might not be successful. Hiroshi refused. But Daisuke came and came again, everyday, to persuade him to do the operation. Hiroshi refused him, again and again. It was like a battle for them, no one wanted to give up. And then his parents asked him too, and Hiroshi just couldn't bear to see his family crying and begging him to try. So he finally gave up and agreed to the operation.
Daisuke didn't leave him throughout the operation procedure, along with his family. At that time, Hiroshi thought that even though he had to die, he was grateful that he had someone who was not his family but cared for him so much.
But Hiroshi didn't die. It was a miracle. The operation was successful. He built his career up from scratch again, apologized to everyone—especially his agency—and explained his situation. Luckily his agency didn't mind and accepted him back. Daisuke was by his side all the time when he tried to get back on his feet, gave him encouraging words every time he felt down.
It was the beginning. Ever since that day, they became closer. They shared every hardship and happiness together, and without realizing it Hiroshi became more and more attached to Daisuke for almost everything.
Then one day both of them were drunk, and it just happened. They had sex. The next day they agreed to forget about it, but then it happened again. Then again. And again. Both of them knew that they should stop, but they just couldn't. And after some time, they realized that they fell for each other.
It was not right. They couldn't fall in love with each other. It wouldn't work. Plus the nature of their relationship itself was not normal. So they decided to take a break. Hiroshi attended blind dates, tried to search for a wife like his parents wanted. Daisuke also tried to have a normal relationship with a girl. But it didn't work at all. They could be together with anyone they wanted, but at the end of the day, they searched for each other's comfort.
So they stopped denying it. They agreed to have a relationship. They agreed to not tell anyone about it, too, even their parents and friends. Only the knew. And they also agreed, that they would try to appear normal in public. The secret relationship has lasted long, until three years ago, Japan legalized same-sex marriage. Actually it was a miracle, and Daisuke immediately asked Hiroshi whether they would announce their relationship or not. But suddenly Hiroshi got scared. Both Daisuke and him were at the top position in their job, and even though it was legal, same-sex relationship was still uncommon. It's still not normal. What would people say about it? What about their fans? Will they be dissappointed? So Hiroshi said that they should wait. Just a little more, until people became more accepting of same-sex relationships.
Then Nakamura and Sugita got married. They were the first openly gay couple in the business. Then more and more same-sex couples appeared. Even some actors and other famous people. BLCDs became even more popular than they already were. BL and shoujou-ai mangas and doujinshis became the center of attention.
After a year, same-sex couples weren't that unheard of anymore. Daisuke asked about going public for the second time, and Hiroshi refused it for the second time, too. Hiroshi wasn't sure about it. People thought that he was straight and he wasn't ready to rectify that opinion. They had a fight about it, of course, and Daisuke was really angry about the fact that Hiroshi didn't want people to know about their relationship. What was the big deal? Was Hiroshi ashamed of him or what?
But Hiroshi couldn't explain it. He himself didn't understand why he didn't want to tell people about their relationship. He couldn't bear to be away from Daisuke, but he also didn't want people to know about them. So they decided to take a break after that, for the second time. But then only after a month, Hiroshi had an accident. He was lucky because he didn't have any serious injuries, but he still needed to stay at the hospital. When he was thinking about Daisuke, the person in his mind actually rushed to him. Hiroshi cried when he saw Daisuke in front of his room in the hospital, paniced and worried.
"When I was half-conscious, I remembered you." Hiroshi said the night after the accident, in the hospital. "I missed you."
"I know." Daisuke said quietly. He sat beside Hiroshi's bed. He looked at Hiroshi with strange, solemn eyes. "I know that you can't be away from me. You can't live without me."
"Yes." Hiroshi smiled slightly. Daisuke sighed.
"That's the reason." Daisuke said. Hiroshi frowned, didn't understand what he meant. Daisuke gave him a sad smile. "That's the reason why you hate the idea of telling everyone about us, even though you can't let me go."
"I don't hate—"
"Yes you do." Daisuke chuckled. "I know the reason now." Daisuke leant into Hiroshi's bed side. "You don't love me, Hiroshi-san."
"What? No, I'm—"
"Yes. That is the truth." Daisuke cut Hiroshi's words. Hiroshi opened his mouth to deny it, but Daisuke continued, "listen to me first."
Hiroshi was quiet. He looked at Daisuke, still didn't understand what his lover was talking about.
"You don't love me. All this time we've been together because you're too dependent on me. Previously, you were alone, which is why when I came to you, when I showed you kindness, you didn't want me to go. Because if I'm gone, you don't have someone you can lean on. You don't want to be alone. You are introverted from the start, you can't easily show your weakness to other people. I have seen your most vulnerable state, and I didn't back up. That was why you thought that if it was me, then it's okay. You can show me everything of you without being scared that I will run away from you. You need me. You can't live without me. But at the same time, you want to live a normal life too. Your relationships in the past didn't work because you knew that if you're with someone else you will lose me. And you don't want to lose me."
Hiroshi stared blankly at Daisuke. What was he talking about?
"Okay. That was just ridiculous! I know that you're a fool, but I can't believe that you're this dumb. What kind of theory is that?" That was really harsh, but Hiroshi was really mad that time.
"Oh, come on. You knew that in your heart." Daisuke rolled his eyes. He was talking like Hiroshi was the ridiculous one, not him.
"Well, listen, whatever your theory is, that was nonsense. Okay? If I didn't love you, why would I hang on all this time? It's not just benn one or two years, for God's sake!"
"I explained it already. Were you even listening to what I said?"
"I—"
"Then, let's just imagine a situation. If I didn't love you, if we were just friends, if I wouldn't leave you even if you were with someone, then, would you accept it if Hanazawa-san suddenly confessed to you?"
"What? Why does Kana-chan suddenly appear in this?"
"Well, you flirt with her, like, all the time." Daisuke shrugged. Hiroshi looked at him in disbelief.
"I was just joking!" Hiroshi raised his voice, but then he realized that he was in a hospital, so he toned his voice down. "I never meant it!"
"Oh, really?"
"Of course!" Hiroshi gritted his teeth. He had a thing for cute things, and Hanazawa Kana was just too cute for her own good, and Hiroshi couldn't help but tease her every time he could because he liked to see her cute reactions.
"Yeah. Of course you would said that." Daisuke said in an almost mocking tone. Hiroshi glared at him, but Daisuke continued, "Look, I think even blind people can see that you have an obvious crush on her. The only reason you don't confess to her is because you are too far apart in age, and we both know that you're the kind of person that always worries about what other people think."
Hiroshi restrained himself to not scream at Daisuke. He couldn't believe his own lover would think something like that. Daisuke sighed.
"Look, I don't want to fight, okay? What I want to say, is, let's have a deal."
"What kind of deal?" Hiroshi couldn't help but frown.
"Well, we've done this before."
"We've never had any kind of deal." Hiroshi said in a low, angry tone.
"Yes, we had." Daisuke didn't react to the tension rising in Hiroshi's tone. "When we first decided to have a relationship. We had an agreement that we won't tell anyone, remember?"
"That wasn't a deal! That was just—"
"An agreement. Should I open a dictionary to show you that 'agreement' and 'deal' have the same meaning?"
Hiroshi gritted his teeth. He knew that Daisuke was right. They had an agreement that they would have a romantic relationship, but under the condition that they won't tell anyone about it. And as far as Hiroshi remembered, he was also the one who suggested it—since Daisuke was the type who didn't mind being in relationship with a man.
"So we will have a deal. Even though I know that you don't love me—" Hiroshi restrained himself to not shout at him, "— the thing is, I'm hopelessly in love with you. And I can't live without you, either. So, here's the thing. I won't go anywhere. I will never leave you. I won't force you to tell the world that we're lovers. I won't restrain you. You can do whatever you want outside of our arrangement, you can flirt with anyone you want, but under one condition: you can't have a serious relationship with somebody else. At the end of the day, you're still mine."
Silence fell between them.
"That was ridiculous." Hiroshi finally said in a low tone. "I love you, you know."
"Will you tell everyone about it?"
"Well, that's..."
"Then let's just seal this deal." Daisuke said in a firm tone. Hiroshi looked at him, didn't know what to say.
"Look," Daisuke's voice softened, and he held Hiroshi's hands tenderly. "Just think about it. Think about it carefully, think about how we became like this. I know that you actually knew in your heart, that everything I said was the truth."
Hiroshi didn't react. Something felt so wrong, and a pang in his chest made his eyes water. Why did it become like this? How had it become like this? He thought about it all night after Daisuke left, but still, he couldn't find the answer.
.
.
.
Hiroshi stirred from his sleep. He opened his eyes. He felt a headache as soon as he moved. He held his head, closed his eyes and stayed still for a while.
"Here." Daisuke's voice made Hiroshi open his eyes. A glass of water was held in front of him.
"Thanks." Hiroshi mumbled and sipped the cold water.
"Better?" Daisuke asked when Hiroshi finished. "You better have a bath now or you will be late. Headache medicine is on the table, and some food for you too. Take the medicine after you ate."
Hiroshi turned his head and saw Daisuke was already ready, wearing a t-shirt, jeans and a jacket.
"I have a morning recording and I won't be back here tonight since I have an event I have to attend, so don't forget to eat something before you go back home, alright?" Daisuke said quickly while he grabbed his bag on the bedside table. Hiroshi didn't eat if he was not with Daisuke or if the man didn't cook him something.
"Okay," was all Hiroshi could say. He remembered what they talked about the night before, but he couldn't bring it up since Daisuke was in a hurry.
"Good." Daisuke gave him one last smile before he dissappeared out the door.
Hiroshi laid back down in bed. It had been two years since they made the 'deal'. It sounded ridiculous at first, but as time went by, somehow Daisuke made him believe that what he said that night was true. Hiroshi thought about it, about the situation Daisuke made up that night. What would he do if Kana suddenly confessed to him, if Daisuke would stay by his side even if he had a romantic relationship with someone else.
Hiroshi liked Kana a lot, because he liked cute things and it was his nature to be attracted by cute girls. But Daisuke... He was different. The word "cute" didn't suit him at all. Well, he was handsome, but usually Hiroshi wouldn't be attracted by handsome guys. But he was handsome. Okay, maybe Hiroshi liked his face. Anyway, Daisuke stay by his side. He was always be there whenever Hiroshi needed him. He treated Hiroshi like he was a treasure or something. And Hiroshi must be a real cold-hearted person if he didn't melt because of that.
Hiroshi always thought that he won't be with anyone other than Daisuke, but if he thought about the reason again, it was because he didn't want to lose him. If Daisuke would stay by his side while he can have a normal life—wife and kids, for example—then maybe the answer was yes, he would love to do that. Did he became too greedy? Was he cruel?
Yes, he was greedy and cruel. He hated himself for it. He was a bad person. A really, really, bad person. Daisuke deserved someone better than him. He didn't deserve all the pain Hiroshi put him through over all these years. Hiroshi was aware of that, but he couldn't let him go. Like Daisuke said, Hiroshi couldn't live without him. He needed him. He was dependent on him. So Hiroshi thought that he would do what Daisuke wanted. The deal. He would keep the deal, as long as it will last... Because he was a bad person and Daisuke deserved better.
That was what he thought, until what had happened a week ago.
Daisuke had an event in his hometown. He said he would be back to Tokyo with a flight at 5 pm that day. But that evening, the plane that should bring Daisuke home crashed. Hiroshi was watching TV at the time—he had a day off—and the breaking news shocked him. He felt his heart racing in panic, and when he saw Daisuke's name and his manager's on the passanger list, he felt like his breath was taken away. He remembered that in his panic, the first thing he thought was, 'I can throw everything away as long as he comes back to me, safe and sound.'
But just when the panic and reality of what had happened sunk in, when he didn't have an ounce of strength to even stand and had difficulty breathing—his phone rang. It was Daisuke. With shaking hands, Hiroshi answered the phone, and he heard Daisuke's voice, clearly, saying that the event ended late so he had to take the train instead even though he had already bought the plane ticket. A sense of overwhelming relief overcame him, and for a while he couldn't say anything until Daisuke called his name and asked if he was okay. Hiroshi quickly asked when his train would arrive. Daisuke said it was okay and Hiroshi didn't need to pick him up since it would be late at night when the train arrived, but Hiroshi wanted to see his face so he insisted.
After the call ended, Hiroshi hid his face between his legs and cried hard. He was alone in his house, and the only sound in the room was his hopeless, uncontrollable crying and the voice of the announcer from the TV. Hours later, after he finally calmed down, he rushed to the train station, didn't even remember that it was a cold winter day, so he only wore his sweater and sweat pants and sandals. He drove his car with his mind blank, and waited alone on a bench at the train station.
When finally Daisuke's train arrived, Hiroshi just stood up in front of his seat, when he felt a sudden panic attack wash over him. What if he was just imagining things and Daisuke really died? But then he saw Daisuke get off the train with his manager. Hiroshi couldn't move, he was just staring at him until he realized that Hiroshi was there.
Daisuke's expression turned to shock immediately when he saw Hiroshi was standing alone and only wearing thin clothes. He rushed to him, asking what was wrong. Hiroshi didn't say anything, only stared at him. While Daisuke was pulling off his coat and wrapping it around Hiroshi, he realized that he didn't need anything—or anyone—else if he had Daisuke. He didn't want anyone other than Daisuke. He didn't need a wife and kids and a supposedly normal life, he only needed Daisuke. He wanted to be bound to him for his whole life. If what he felt for Daisuke was not love, then he didn't know what it was called.
That was why he proposed to Daisuke, even if he needed some liquid courage to do it. He didn't have a ring last night, because he did it spontaneously as he watched Daisuke, so comfortably sitting in front on him while reading manga, and suddenly the thought that he could lose everyone but him hit him. So he blurted it out. But as expected, Daisuke didn't think that he was serious.
Hiroshi sighed. What should he do to make Daisuke take his intention seriously?
.
.
.
"Kamiya-san... I want to talk to you." Hiroshi turned his head to look at Kana's cute face. It was late at night, and the event they attended together had just ended. Hiroshi brought his car, so he offered to take Kana and some of the staff home. Kana was the last person he needed to drop off, and after that he hoped that he could find Daisuke in his bed so they could cuddle. Recently Daisuke was too busy so he didn't have time to drop by his house.
"Yes? What is it?" Hiroshi asked, hoping that it wouldn't take much time. They were already in front of Kana's house.
"Umm..." Kana looked nervous. She bit her lower lip and her hands were playing with the end of her skirt. Hiroshi glanced at his watch. He was dying to go home now.
"Kana-chan?" Hiroshi finally said, when she didn't say anything after a few moments.
"Yes!" Kana looked so nervous that she raised her voice.
"What is it?" Hiroshi asked again, tried to sound friendly even though his mind was screaming for her to get on with it. He was so tired and sleepy and all he wanted was cuddling in his warm bed in Daisuke's arms.
"Well... Actually... I... I think..." Kana's white cheeks became pink, and Hiroshi perked up. Did she...? "I-think-I-love-you." Kana blurted out. Hiroshi looked at her blankly for a second, and after that all he could do was blink.
"Oh." He said after some time. Kana was beet red, and she looked at her hands on her lap.
Hiroshi felt strange. He always thought he would be happy if Kana really confessed to him, but in reality the first thing that came to his mind was 'damn' and how he could turned her down without offending her. It would be difficult, especially after all of his 'flirting'—which he hadn't meant seriously, only as a joke—and the reality that they would work together tomorrow.
"Look, Kana-chan..." Hiroshi started uncomfortably, but he needed to make this clear. "I know that sometimes I... joke around too much..." Kana looked at him surprised, "but I... really want you to know... that that was only meant as a joke." Kana turned even more red as she frowned.
"Please don't misunderstand me. You are a really nice girl, and cute too... And if you'd have told me that a few years ago then probably I would've accepted but—"
"You already have someone?" Kana cut him off. Now Hiroshi felt his cheeks heat up.
"Well... yes. I'm sorry." Hiroshi said carefully. He waited for Kana's reaction for a moment.
"No. I'm sorry." Kana finally said. "Please just forget whatever I said. I don't want us to be awkward tomorrow." Then she smiled. Hiroshi thought he would never understand women.
"Yeah." Hiroshi smiled apologetically. Kana opened the door and got out of the car.
After she closed the door, she looked at Hiroshi and asked,
"You will marry her soon, right? I heard your resolution this year is to get married."
Hiroshi couldn't help but chuckle.
"Actually it's not a 'she'..." Kana looked surprised, but Hiroshi continued, "but yes, that was the plan. But plans sometimes don't work out that easily."
"He turned you down?"
Hiroshi was amazed by how Kana's expression could be that evil. He tilted his head a little.
"Three times this week, actually. But still, I have the rest of my life to try to make him marry me." Hiroshi grinned. Kana's expression became unreadable.
"You love him that much, huh?"
"Well, I have been through seven years of a complex, difficult, twisted romantic relationship with a guy, so I think it won't hurt to spend another seven to make it right. Happiness should be the goal, right?" Hiroshi smiled, a sense of relief and happiness spreading through his body as he thought about how he would try to make Daisuke marry him, and that he still had the rest of his life ahead him to do that since he knew that Daisuke wouldn't leave him no matter what happened.
Kana looked surprised for a few seconds, but after that she gave him a thin sad smile and said,
"I see. I will wish you a good luck, then."
"Thank you." Hiroshi answered, really grateful that it ended well. He then said goodbye and left, all the while hoping that a certain someone was already at home, waiting for him. He would make sure that starting from now, he won't make him wait too long.