Blood Makes Noise
Summary: Completely AU...Charlie Pace is faced with a dilemma, tell the woman that he loves that his drug addiction is the reason that he's been living with the fact that he's HIV positive...or hide the truth, and leave her behind.
A/N: This is what happens when tiredness beyond belief, meets a weird creative streak :S. This idea came to me when I was looking for an Angsty Love song to make a Songfic too, and I found a song titled Blood Makes Noise, and the idea formed from there. Special Thanks goes out to Jemmz for being an awesome beta! Okay..enough of my rambling.
Charlie sat in the tent that they had been sharing for nearly a month. He had lost count of how long they had been stranded on the island, and he had long since given up any hope of getting rescued. That being said, it had also been far too long that he had been hiding the truth. Keeping his secret buried deep beneath the surface, and that wasn't fair for Claire. He knew he had fallen for her, and he thought that maybe she was starting to fall for him as well. He knew though, that no matter how badly he wanted to stay with her. To maybe one day marry her, he couldn't. It had been three years since he had found out that he was HIV positive. Three long years, that seemed to tick by with the thought of how much longer would Charlie Pace be walking around alive on this earth. Would he just suddenly fall over dead, or would it be more of a prolonged and painful death? Charlie figured it was the latter.
"Hey, where's your head at?" Claire asked, noting the far away look in his eyes.
"Oh, just thinking," Charlie gave her a weak smile, and knew she saw right through his lie.
"Oh, okay," she said, knowing he was lying, at least a little bit, but knowing she shouldn't push him.
"Hey, I think I'm gonna get some air, I'll be back later," Charlie said, giving her a hug and a small kiss on the cheek before leaving the tent.
"Sometimes, I don't get him," Claire said to no one in particular.
Charlie walked down the beach slowly, taking his time, not really wanting to return to their shelter for a while. He needed space, he needed time to think. Should he tell her? If he did, would she leave him? He shook his head, she would, he knew she would, and he didn't blame her. It was his own fault really, well his and Liam's, but it was really time he started to take responsibility for his mistakes. This one though, was one mistake he wished to hell he could take back. He wished he could have been stronger, could have stayed clean. He wished that he would have died that one time he overdosed on heroin. Then he wouldn't have to break the heart of a girl that he loved more than life itself. He knew it was inevible. He would either tell her the truth, and she'd leave, her heart broken into a million pieces, or...he wouldn't and he'd leave her, her heart broken into a million pieces. Either way, it would end with both of their hearts shattered. Charlie sighed, this had to end now, and she deserved to know the truth. He just hoped and prayed she wouldn't tell anyone else, and he really hoped that they'd get rescued soon, even though he knew they wouldn't. He really didn't want to die on the island, or worse...get as sick as he knew he would get sooner or later, and have nothing to help ease the pain. He had watched his friend grow sicker and sicker, and watched as pain took over his entire body before he finally died. Not only had it had scared the hell out of Charlie, to watch a once strong man wither away to hardly anything, and scream out in horrible pain, but Charlie just wanted to grant his wish, and put the poor man out of his misery. This is what Charlie had to look forward too, and needless to say, he was less than happy about it.
He turned around, not getting too far from their shelter, and smiled at Claire who was talking quietly to Aaron. He loved her, there was no doubting that, and he loved Aaron too, but he didn't deserve to have them in his life.
"Claire..can we..talk?" Charlie asked, stumbling over his words.
"Sure," Claire said, hoping this wasn't as bad as it sounded.
Charlie sat down on his bed of fleece blankets and one pillow, before looking at Claire. Her golden blond hair was blowing in her face slightly, her blue eyes were sparkling for the first time in a while. Charlie knew that sparkle would disappear in a matter of minutes.
"Claire, before I get started...I uh...I need you to know something. I need you to know that I love you and Aaron. I consider the two of you my family, especially since most of my family turned their backs on me. With that said, I have to tell you something, and your not going to like it, but I feel you deserve me to be honest with you," Charlie rambled it all out in jumbled sentence.
"Charlie...I don't know..."
"Claire, please let me finish before I change my mind," Charlie paused, as Claire shook her head. "I do love you, but I think I should leave. Leave you and Aaron behind, it's for your own good."
Charlie stood up to leave, but Claire grabbed a hold of his hand.
"Why is it our own good? I love you too Charlie, and so does Aaron, why would you want to leave us?" Claire asked, tears apparent in the corner of his eyes.
"Because I'm sick, and I just...I can't do this to you. I don't deserve you or Aaron," Charlie sighed, kissed her hand before dropping it and grabbing up his stuff.
"If your sick you should see Jack Charlie, not give me some bullshit about it being best for me. Your a good man Charlie, who had a bit of a troubled past. You deserve everything you have right now because you earned it. Now, I'll go get Jack so he can look at you," Claire stood up to leave.
"You can't Claire! I don't want anyone to know. I never wanted anyone to know Claire, I never meant to fall for you because you don't deserve to have your kind, and giving heart broken. That's all I'm going to lead you to, please Claire, just trust me," Charlie pleaded with her.
"Well, maybe if you tell me exactly what's going on, I'll be able to trust you a little more Charlie," Claire sighed. His words had hurt her, even if he didn't mean for them to.
"I'm sick Claire, and I will die eventually from it. I've been sick for a while now, and it's because of my past. I'm HIV positive Claire, and have been for three years now. It's only a matter of time before I start showing symptoms. From there it's all down hill, being here, is no good for me. If, and only if, I was back home, I might have a chance to beat this. If I start showing symptoms here, then I'll be lucky to last months. There is nothing Jack can do for me, there isn't anything anyone can do for me. I'm screwed, and I don't want you to get hurt from this. It's just better if we keep our distance," Charlie sighed, before dragging his suitcase out of their shelter and started to head down the beach. If he was going to die, it was going to be alone. No one needed to see an ex-heroin addict die a horribly painful death from a disease that he caused.
Claire stood there, stunned beyond belief. On one hand she wanted him to stay, not only because she loved him, but she wanted to be there if things got bad for him. On the other hand though, she was scared. More so that he would die, and she would have to watch him suffer. She needed help, she had to get as much information on the disease Charlie had. She needed Jack.
She took off toward Jack's shelter just praying that he was actually in his shelter and not off on some whacked out adventure with Kate. She poked her head in and saw him wrapping his wrist in some of the bandages they had scrounged up.
"Jack, can I talk to you? I mean...if I talk to you about something, can it stay just between the two of us?" Claire asked.
"Yeah, of course. What's wrong Claire?" Jack asked, seeing the fear and worry in her eyes.
"It's just that...It's Charlie," Claire sighed. She knew that she shouldn't be talking to Jack about something so private about Charlie, but she needed to know how bad it was going to get.
"Is he sick? Did he hurt himself?" Jack asked, starting to get worried himself.
"Well..not exactly..." Claire trailed off. "I shouldn't say anything, it's not my place."
Claire stood up to leave.
"Claire, if something is wrong with Charlie, I might be able to help him. I can't do that if you don't tell me what's wrong though," Jack said, his hand grabbing her wrist lightly, making sure that she heard him.
"I know Jack, I really do. It's just, Charlie didn't want anyone to know, he didn't even wanna tell me," Claire sighed.
"Okay now your scaring me, what's wrong Claire?" Jack asked as he too stood up, turning Claire towards him.
"He's HIV Positive Jack. It's just, he told me, then left. He was mumbling on about how he didn't deserve me or Aaron, that we'd be better without him. I didn't even get to ask him any questions, and I have plenty. I just...I need information Jack. How bad is it going to get? How fast will he...will he—die. Is it something that I can contract...I just I deserve some answers right?" Claire rambled on.
"Okay Claire, I might be able to answer some of your questions. As far as your first question, depending on which strain he has, it could get fairly bad, but I mean that could be years down the road. It could also happen tomorrow, it's hard to tell. Some people live many years with the virus without so much as a symptom. Other's can develop symptoms very quickly. How long has he had it..or do you not know?" Jack asked.
"Three years, he said he's been HIV Positive for three years," Claire sighed, figuring that meant he could show symptoms quickly.
"Three years huh...well that could either mean that he could live a fairly healthy life. It could mean that he could show symptoms soon. I don't know anything about his case, and too be honest, this kind of stuff isn't something that I know much about anyways. As far as it killing him. His chances could, and would be much higher if he were somewhere were he could receive medical treatment. Being stuck here, and not receiving anything for it, I'd say his chances of dying are increased greatly. Especially if he starts showing symptoms on the island. I do know that once a person starts showing symptoms of the virus it can take anywhere between six months to a year, sometimes more depending on which strain they have. Where is Charlie? I'd like to examine him and get some history on the strain he has," Jack explained.
"I don't know! I told you, he just up and left, and took his stuff with him. I have no idea where he went to. But you can't tell him that I told you Jack. He asked me to not tell anyone," Claire sighed, clearly upset by the information that Jack had given her. "Let me find and talk to him, please Jack."
Jack shook his head, and gave her a smile encouraging smile. It didn't help much. She felt horrible for telling him, and she felt even worse because the man she loved was dying, maybe not right this very second, but he would eventually die.
Charlie dug his feet into the sand, and let the water rush over top of them. He loved the feel of wet cold sand between his toes, it made him feel peaceful, or as peaceful as a person can get after they broke someones heart and realized that they were going to die pretty soon. Charlie pulled out his guitar, and started strumming aimlessly on it.
"You're a hard man to locate," Claire gave him a weak smile before sitting down beside him.
"I thought it was best that way. You know, it's kinda ironic, I always thought back in Manchester, that I'd die in the gutter with my face down. Ya know, overdose or something. Now I'm kind of wishing I had. At least then I wouldn't have dragged you and Aaron into my sorry, pathetic excuse I call a life. It's not fair to you or Aaron, and I am sorry that I hurt you. Also, that just sounds like a much easier way to go. Quicker, less pain involved. I just, I watched one of my best friends die, a slow painful death from HIV. I don't want that, I'd much prefer it if someone just go ahead and put me out of my ever loving misery now," Charlie sighed, and hung his head. "Sometimes, I think it might be better if I just went into the water ya know. Not for a swim, just to die, even that would be an easier death."
"Charlie, don't say things like that. I couldn't bare it if you did something like that. I love you too much," Claire sighed as she pried his fingers from his guitar and held his hand tightly. "I need you to remember that when I tell you this..." she let her sentence fall off, taking a deep breath. "I told Jack, and not because I wanted to hurt you or anything...It's just I had questions, and you took off. I just needed someone tell me straight, what it was you were going to be facing. He uh, he wants to examine you Charlie. He wants to know what your doctor told you, he said he might be able to help you, at least a little bit, if you tell him."
Charlie shrugged, "Fine."
Jack watched Charlie and Claire watch up to his shelter hand and hand. He couldn't think of a sweeter thing for Claire to do for Charlie than to stand by his side during this hard time in his life.
"I'm glad you decided to come Charlie," Jack said, lifting the flap of tarp to allow them to enter.
Charlie went into detail of what strain he had contracted, and what the doctor had told him was in store for him. Jack nodded, and jotted down some notes. Claire held and squeezed and held his hand.
"I just, I don't think I have much time left is all. I don't want to die that way Jack, I don't want to be in that much pain, and have to live through it for days before I draw my last ragged breath. I don't want that. I want you to promise that when I start showing symptoms, that you'll end it for me," Charlie said, giving Claire's hand a tighter squeeze, when he felt her tense up beside him.
"You mean, you want me to kill you? Commit murder? I can't do that Charlie, I'm sorry. I have my morales, I cannot kill a man, dying or not," Jack sighed.
"You know what Jack, fine, I don't need you then. Claire said you might be able to help, and that's what I want. I want you to kill me when the time comes, but if you can't even do that, then I'll just go crawl back into my little hole on the other side of camp, and when the times comes I'll just 'accidentally drown'." Charlie spat at him and walked off.
Remember to Read and REVIEW! I do plan on writing a sequel to this one. I plan on going into more detail with how Charlie got and found out that he had HIV.