A/N: This is the first post ep i've ever written so yeah...also i wrote this last night at like 3am so please be gentle. i just had to write something for this episode. after the bow and lexa swearing fealty...i just...gods i don't even know.
Lexa was lost in her thoughts as she stared up at the moon from her balcony, unable to stop thinking about everything that happened today when the sudden noise of her door opening brought her back to reality. She wasn't expecting anyone, not this late, and everyone knew not to bother her once she had gone into her personal chambers. Lexa's not sure who she expected to be standing in her doorway but it was definitely not Clarke. She didn't say anything, only looked at the blonde questioningly.
"I can't sleep." Clarke told her quietly. "Can I..." She hesitated, "Can I stay with you tonight?" Clarke hadn't been able to stop thinking about Lexa and what it meant when she knelt in front of her and swore fealty. It was a big deal, the commander didn't bow to anyone, Clarke knew that. She also knew that Lexa was still trying to make up for happened at Mt. Weather. Although she was still angry at her about it, Clarke could see that Lexa truly meant it when she said she was sorry. It wasn't easy hating her and everything she was doing now was making it harder. She had woken up from yet another nightmare, this time unable to calm herself down and go back to sleep. Being alone wasn't helping either but Clarke didn't know what came over her when she found herself making her way over to Lexa's room.
Lexa watched her for a moment, unable to make herself speak. Instead she just nodded slowly as she walked back inside her room. Clarke let out a small sigh of relief, making her way over to Lexa's bed. The room was dim, all but two of the candles blown out but the moonlight made its way in through the curtains, lighting the room just enough for Clarke to make it out as she finally sat down on the bed. She could see the slight hesitation in Lexa's eyes as she joined her only a moment later, choosing to stand across from her instead of sitting down. "Nightmares?" Lexa finally asked.
Clarke continued looking down as she nodded before pulling her legs up and making her way to the other side of the bed. "I'm just tired." She told her, lying down with her back to Lexa. "And I need it to stop." Clarke didn't expect the nightmares to stop anytime soon, but it had been months, the least she expected was for them to not be as intense as they were right after Mt. Weather.
"I'm sorry." Lexa's voice came out a soft whisper as she finally sat down, waiting a moment before lying down next to Clarke. She kept a small distance between them and decided to keep her hands to herself.
But it didn't really work when Lexa noticed Clarke shifting closer until their bodies were against each other's. She turned around slightly, not looking at Lexa as she reached out, taking her arm and putting it around her waist. "I just don't wanna be alone right now." Clarke's voice was almost inaudible, she thought Lexa didn't even hear her.
"You don't have to be." She replied, tightening her arm around the blonde slightly as she held her.
"Good." Clarke muttered, settling against her.
Lexa didn't respond, she didn't know how to; and Clarke didn't seem to have anything else to say. After a few minutes, Lexa could see the rise and fall of her back evening out, letting her know she was asleep. It took Lexa much longer to finally drift off to sleep; her mind not wanting to keep quiet for even a moment as it brought up the events of the day once again, forcing Lexa to think about them. Soon she realized that having Clarke next to her was probably not helping right now but at the same time she was glad that Clarke felt comfortable enough to come to her about this. It was a comfort to Lexa knowing that Clarke was alright and that she was safe here, with her; she only wished there was something she could do stop Clarke from suffering. The mountain was her fault, Lexa knew that; everything that happened, everything Clarke had to do was because of her. It should be me suffering, unable to get a single night's sleep because of what happened at Mt. Weather, not Clarke. Truth is, she was. Lexa hadn't gotten a single night of peaceful sleep. She was either constantly being woken up by nightmares about leaving Clarke behind or – like tonight – she was unable to sleep at all. And seeing what taking down the mountain did to Clarke only made it worse. She could see the pain and guilt in her eyes, hear the hatred and anger Clarke had for her in her voice; Lexa knew she could never forgive herself for doing that to her. She fell asleep eventually, telling herself that Clarke was indeed alright, knowing very well that she would be woken up soon enough by her own nightmares.
But when Lexa woke up only about an hour later, it wasn't because of that; it was due to a sudden movement next to her. Her eyes snapped open in a panic as she looked around in the dark trying to find the source before realizing that it was Clarke. She could only see her back as it rose and fell rapidly and Clarke tried to catch her breath. "Clarke?" She said gently, not wanting to startle her as she sat up. "What's wrong?"
Clarke turned her head, looking at Lexa as she did her best to steady her breathing and calm herself down. She could see the concern in Lexa's eyes and somehow looking into them was enough to slow her heartbeat from racing. Her nightmares were getting the better of her and Clarke didn't have an answer for Lexa, all she could do was throw her arms around the brunette and bury her face in the crook of her neck.
It caught Lexa by surprise and it took her a moment to realize what was happening before she could bring up her arms and wrap them around Clarke. "It's okay." She told her gently. "You're okay." Lexa tried to comfort her, she could feel Clarke's breath hot on her neck, still panting. She waited a moment, not saying or doing anything, deciding it was best to give Clarke a moment before she lowered them both down to lie back down again.
"You can't leave me again." Clarke managed to say, her voice coming out low and broken as she settled against Lexa once again, moving her head to rest on her chest.
"I won't." Lexa replied instantly as she felt Clarke's tears starting to soak through her shirt.
"Because I won't be able to take that." She continued. "Not again." Clarke knew what Lexa meant when she swore fealty to her, but a part of her didn't trust her enough to keep her word; not after Mt. Weather.
Lexa took a deep breath as another wave of guilt washed over her. She didn't have anything to say, nothing she could come up with sounded enough to reassure Clarke that she would never leave her side again. It took her a couple of long seconds, but Lexa finally spoke, "I did it for you." She told her quietly. "I had skaikru join the coalition because that was the only way I could make sure I would never have to choose between you and my people." She waited, letting the words sink in before continuing again. "It was the only way I knew I could keep you safe."
Clarke didn't say anything, she only brought her head up to look at Lexa. "It wasn't a very popular decision." She finally said.
"No." Lexa told her. "Everyone seems to think it was the wrong decision." She stopped, willing herself to continue, "But it was all I could do to make sure no one would hurt you." Lexa told her before looking away as she continued to rub small circles on Clarke's shoulder. "I don't want to be in that position again, Clarke." She said with a small sigh. " I don't want to have to choose between my head and my heart." She repeated.
Clarke let the words sink in. She didn't know why Lexa wanted her people to join the coalition, not until now. From what she could tell, no one else was happy about it, especially the Ice Nation but Lexa went ahead with it anyways. But Clarke still couldn't trust her, it would take Lexa longer to earn back her trust. Yes, she swore fealty to her and Clarke realizes what that means but it still wasn't enough, not yet.
Lexa knew Nia wouldn't rest until she had killed Wanheda but there was no way Lexa was going to let that happen. She knew there wasn't much to do in order to stop her because Nia was more than willing to move against her Commander. But she knew that by having skaikru join the coalition, Clarke would be under her protection; which would make it very difficult for the Ice Queen to try and kill her. But at the same time, Lexa knew Clarke still didn't trust her. "I know you still don't trust me." She looked back at her. "But I won't leave you again." She tried again, pausing and preparing herself to continue, "I meant it when I swore fealty to you." Lexa told her. "I am yours, Clarke." She explained. "I won't let anyone hurt you and I have no intention of leaving your side."
A/N: So there's that. Let me know what you thought, awful? not so awful?