Captain's log stardate 2132.5
My crew can't hear me. This really is puzzling. I simply cannot account for it at all. Here I will set forth a full account of the matter in hopes that a cure can be found for this strange ailment.
Every day on board the Enterprise certain things happen with the regularity of clockwork. Lieutenant Uhura informs me that hailing frequencies are, in fact, open. First officer Spock and ship's surgeon Dr. McCoy argue about something. And when I give a simple, clear order the helmsman, crewman, or yeoman addressed asks with a puzzled expression if I really meant what I said.
I have already ruled out the possibility of impaired hearing. Every crew member receives regular physical examinations and none has shown any sign of hearing loss. And I do not believe I am given to mumbling or slurring my words, in fact, dare I admit it, I have been known to snap at members of the bridge personnel. In my own defense I will add that I have done so only in situations of crisis in which swift execution of my commands was imperative. There is then clearly no admissible reason for my crew to second guess me.
But the fact remains that they do question my commands with singular regularity. With new recruits and Starfleet cadets it is often worst. I recall the time when Balok blocked the Enterprise and detained us. While the bridge crew and me remained calm and judicious, our navigator Mr. Bailey practically threw a tantrum; calling my crew robots and refusing to obey my orders out of panic and irrationality. I judged that his attempt to subvert my authority was not fitting and ordered him off the bridge. Later I granted him permission to return to the bridge, and he accompanied me and Dr. McCoy to Balok's ship. I am indeed grateful to Balok for providing me with a good reason to get Mr. Bailey off my ship. Innumerable times I have had to repeat my orders, and once Lieutenant Leslie was so slow that I had to perform his task for him. When the bridge crew became infected with the alcoholic water from Psi 2000 nearly everyone on the bridge had to be removed from their posts. Yeoman Rand rushed in from the turbolift and, rather than realize that we were in an emergency she delayed with an explanation of why she was late and I found it necessary to raise my voice before she obeyed my order to take the helm.
But it's not limited to cadets and junior officers. There have been times when I have had to remind Mr. Spock that what I said was an order. And when I give Mr. Sulu our course heading he has often responded with puzzlement and not obeyed instantaneously. How many times has a scenario like this been enacted.
"Proceed to our next destination, Mr. Sulu, warp factor one."
"Warp...factor one...sir? Are you sure about that sir?"
"Quite sure Mr. Sulu, and please remember that it is mine to give the orders and yours to obey them."
"Aye sir. Warp factor three."
Ahem
"I BELIEVE I SAID WARP FACTOR ONE MR. SULU!"
"Sorry sir. Warp factor one."
Sometimes I wonder if any crew members wear concealed headphones programmed to play their choice of music. That would explain both their appallingly slow response time and the blank looks on their faces when they are on duty.
Perhaps the solution is to be found in applying what I have learned in my many travels across the galaxy and in our encounters with alien races. Klingon captains, for example, have no trouble being heard. They have even been known to execute their officers on the spot for disobeying an order. Or if I could have all my crewmen duplicated as androids I could have the best of both worlds. They would all be exactly the same in appearance, but they would be programmed to do whatever I told them to. Although I seriously doubt Starfleet Command would approve, it is certainly a tempting prospect.
"Yeoman, are you recording this?"
"Sir?"
"..."