Author's notes: Ok my first Yami ficcie ^ ^! First off let me warn you this takes place a little after the anime ends. So there are probably spoilers in here so if you don't like them than I suggest not reading. Also male/male pairing Tsuzuki and Hisoka to be exact… like you didn't see that coming. But if you don't like that kind of thing than I suggest not reading. Anyways this is mostly based off the anime and a little bit of the manga. I have a few volumes of the manga… but with my non existent ability to read Japanese… well yea you get the point. Though I've read translation up to volume 8 online ^ ^! So anything after that is unknown to me. Oh and the narration well I was having a bit of trouble with it. I hate doing things in the first person since your so limited to only one character. So the dreams will most likely be in the 1st person so you can get some insight into the person dreaming. Other than that it will most likely be in the 3rd, but you never know, we will see how it works out ^ ^! Well thanks for taking the time to read.
Special Thankies to Lorelei! She came up with the title!! Thanks a bunch! *hugs* I forget if you said I could use it or not *scratches head*… oh well I'll change it if you want to use it for yourself lol I don't really mind! I just didn't feel like coming up with something when you came up with a perfectly good name. By the way Lori you really shouldn't be reading this since you haven't seen the last episode…. But I know you, you will anyways *rolls eyes* Yea I know its short… I was gonna make it longer… but than it just sort of seemed to say stop when I wrote that last line ^ ^ you know how it is…. oh well now onto the story!
Fractured Innocence
~~Leoangel~~
Everything is hazy, my vision is weak I can't see straight. My heart is beating rapidly and it's about the only thing I can hear. It's a dream I know it is. I'm no longer in Maruki's clutches, but rather in my own bed with nightmares plaguing my mind. Yet here I am lying on my back the events leading up to Touda's summoning flashing before me. The table I am on is frostily cold, almost as cold as the hands slithering down my body. They are trying to push me past insanity, to whatever that might be. I want to desperately push away, to flee before more pain is disposed upon me. My body doesn't seem to want to work, the muscles not listening to the commands of my brain. He's pushing into me harder and faster. I want to cry out, to sob, but I don't. I can't, nothing seems to want to work, I'm trapped in the darkness that I created myself.
Do I really want to escape? That's the question that keeps playing on repeat in my mind. Surely if I had wanted to I could have pushed away a long time ago. I'm a shingami one of the most powerful at that, I could have easily moved away. I deserve this, the pain this man disposes upon me, and we both know it. I deserve this for all the pain I've caused, for all the innocent lives lost because of me. This is all I deserve, after all a monster shouldn't receive any pleasure. So I let the hands continue, let the punishment be carried out, let this man do whatever he wants as I push back into the darkness of my soul.
Pain, Remorse, Self Hatred, Despair, I can practically see all these emotions flaring and swirling like and angry storm inside of me. I can't name all the emotions that are wrapped up in this dark void. One emotion is extremely difficult to distinguish from another. There is one that is much more evident than the others, loneliness. I've been alone for so long. The first person who even dared to be near me, a lonely violet eyed demon, was killed because of me. I want to die; I have wanted to die for a long time, most likely since that cold night so many years ago. I've lived for far too long, for nearly a hundred years. I'm tired and just want to rest, and hopefully the pain might ease. And if it doesn't than at least I'm not causing anybody else any harm. I'm sick of living behind a smile, pretending everything is fine. I've outlived so many people wondering why death hasn't bothered with myself. Perhaps it is because I am so much a demon that not even death would take me.
I hurt the ones I care for, I wish to hide in the darkness, I don't want to hurt anybody anymore. No one should have to suffer because I exist, because I am not human. I'm afraid I'll end up hurting the only person who has even bothered to really try to care about me in a long time. After all history seems to enjoy repeating itself. The fact he was able to get under my skin in the first place is probably what scares me the most. Even after I had shielded myself behind that ever present smile for such a long time. He's the only one that even remotely understands what I feel, partly because of his empathy, but more because he has gone through some similar experiences. I wonder if perhaps if I had been there for him before; I might have been able to save him for his past, from Muraki. My fault his parents hated him, my fault he wasn't accepted by others, my fault Muraki killed him. I know it's my fault, it doesn't matter that I wasn't there, it doesn't matter that I hadn't even met him yet, should have been there.
He knows what I think of myself and disagrees with me thoroughly. Something he lets me know quite often. He tells me practically everyday that I'm human and things aren't always my fault. He believes one day it might sink in, I don't agree. After all how can a mere human cause as much pain and death as I have. If I was human I would have been able to end my own pain a long time ago
I won't though… Kill myself that is, at least for now. He asked me not to and I could never refuse him. Well perhaps 'asked' isn't the correct word to use, more like pleaded. He risked his own life in the flames of Touda to get to me. He stated he wanted to be by my side forever and wherever I went he would follow. Tears flowed freely down his cheeks, tears again caused by me. I brought pain to him without even trying, that's what I do best apparently. I timidly wrapped my arms around him in a silent statement, one that stated I would try for him, selfish?... yes. In the end he is only going to get hurt, but part of me wanted him to rescue me. That part of me that's was tired of pretending to not be lonely. Again selfish, but I have no doubt in my mind that he would follow me if I had taken my life, he still would. Those emerald eyes had stated just as much. They held devotion, despair, promise, and also a hint of the same loneliness that is inside myself.
The thought of him pushes back the insanity; the darkness is lifted a bit. That's what had happened before I summoned Touda. I was letting the man who had killed so many, killed Hisoka, get away with it. So I decided I'd punish both of us for our sins. Unfortunately neither worked, we are both still alive, unpunished for our crimes. One of these days they will catch up with me, I know they will, but for now I'll live for Hisoka.
TBC