I was a part of the holiday 2k15 Secret Santa exchange on the Total Drama Writer's Forum as a pinch hitter, and this here is the only fic that needed to be covered by a pinch hitter. I'd say that's not half bad! Anyway this one is for one Mr. CyborgPineappleIsland II. I hope you enjoy your fic, Daniel!
You would think that, for most people, something as simple as a date would be difficult to get wrong. Then again, Harold is not most people. He has the uncanny ability to screw up almost everything he touches, and dates are certainly no exception. In fact, one time he messed up so immensely that I didn't talk to him for a week. I'd rather not think about it, but if you have to know, here's how it went.
One of our first dates was planned by him, so obviously we ended up at a movie theater to watch one of his geeky superhero movies. It was fine before the movie, the day being filled with his usual posturing and calling me flattering things like his chocolate goddess or Leshawna the Magnificent or whatever else. Sometimes it's nice to get attention and flattery, you know? Sadly, it all stopped once that movie started. He put those fancy 3D glasses on over his regular glasses, which made him look even more adorably geeky, and from that moment on he was gone, lost in the flashing lights and the buff guys on the screen. I would have cuddled up to him, as that's what the bored party does when a couple sees a movie only one of them cares about, but two things stopped me: the fact that the bucket of popcorn wasn't gonna eat itself, and the events that happened before I even managed to finish my popcorn.
About half way through the movie, things were just starting to get somewhat interesting, which meant that for Harold everything got infinitely more interesting. And here's the part where he screwed the pooch.
What he tried to do was that cheesy thing guys do when they pretend to be stretching and wrap their arm around their ladies that everyone thinks is smoother than a fresh jar of Skippy. However, he got so lost in the movie that he forgot which side of him I was on and ended up putting his arm around the shoulder of the girl next to him. Suddenly, in the midst of the explosions and stuff, I heard a girl say, "hey what the hell do you think you're doing?" I looked over to see Harold and the guy on the other side of the girl jump from their seats, the second probably glaring daggers at poor Harold through his 3D glasses.
In response, Harold held his hands up and stuttered. "I, uh, did I...oh gosh, I'm so sorry! I didn't like, mean to or anything."
The angry guy cracked his knuckles and held up a fist menacingly. "Look nerd, you touch my girlfriend like that again and I'll make sure you lose both pairs of your glasses!"
"Look, I'm sorry, just calm down." Harold made a move to put his hand on the guy's fist to lower it, but the guy's girlfriend beat him to it, causing Harold to put his hands on top of hers gingerly. The guy reeled back and decked Harold, sending him crumpling to the ground with a whimper.
"I warned you, punk," he said angrily as he stormed off, dragging his gal pal with him and mumbling something about the movie being bad anyway.
Everyone around us gasped at the violence and several of us gathered around Harold, who was seeing a very different type of stars from the kind he was just looking at on the screen. He held up a finger and said, "well, that'll clear the sinuses" before passing out entirely.
He woke up about an hour later in my car, looking around like he didn't know where he was. We were only sitting in the theater parking lot, so I could give him my full attention. "Oh good, you're awake. You got some 'splainin' to do, boy," I said flatly.
"What happened to the movie?" Harold asked as if he'd woken up from a nice little nap.
"You got your ass knocked out, remember?" I explained, raising an eyebrow. "For cuddling up to another woman, I should add!"
Harold's eyes widened as he remembered what had gone down. "Oh yeah! Oh gosh, I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to, Leshawna. You know you're the only girl I'd try to feel up."
"Feel up?" He covered his mouth, blushing at my snapping at him. "Harold baby, you best not tell me you were gropin' that poor girl."
"I thought she was you!" He protested.
I held up a finger to stop him from going further. "Did you or did you not feel that girl up?"
Harold shrank back, mumbling something I couldn't hear. I asked him to speak up and he tried again, still too quiet for me. I gave him one last chance and he sighed, finally saying it. "Maybe I touched her boobie a little bit."
"Harold!"
"I thought she was you!" Harold repeated.
"Ooh boy, if you hadn't already gotten the smackdown I would have half a mind to give you one myself." I crossed my arms and looked away in disgust.
"Leshawna, you know you're the only girl I'd ever even try to touch, gosh," he said in that geeky, breathy voice he was known for.
"The point is you tried to do it to someone else, so this date is over," I said sternly.
"Aw man, weak," he said, lowering his head in shame.
The car ride back to his house was done in complete silence, and I dropped him off nicely even though I didn't want to stop to do it and instead make him tuck and roll to get out. They say Hell has no anger like a woman scorned and I made damn sure he knew that after that day. After about a week or so of me giving him the cold shoulder, he came crawling back, apologizing and begging for forgiveness. Once he pointed out that him having to miss the end of that movie should have been punishment enough, I finally decided to forgive him and we moved on with our relationship.
Movie dates were a lot less common after that, though.
Leshawna likes to pretend that I'm the only one who messes things up, but she's done her fair share of it too, you know. I may have gotten cozy with the wrong girl, but can you blame me? That was installment seven in that masterfully crafted cinematic universe, and it was a really compelling movie. It was like, leagues better than almost all of the ones before it, and did you know the initial assembly cut was over three and a half hours long? And that the Chinese version was heavily censored but had extra scenes put in? I read that they put the scenes in because they featured really popular actors around those parts. Oh, what I would give to watch that three hour long version, though...
Oh right, I was talking about Leshawna. More specifically (so I don't get sidetracked again,) that time Leshawna ruined a date of her own.
This time, it was her turn to plan the date and stuff, so it unfortunately didn't involve any movies, though knowing her she would have chosen a wimpy chick flick, so maybe it was for the best. I got dressed in my best clothes and she in hers and we ventured to the fanciest restaurant my money could buy.
Of course I was paying, what am I, a neanderthal? Gosh.
The dinner went smoothly for the most part. I would sometimes get lost in thought, starting at Leshawna's other-worldly, breathtaking beauty, but other than that I managed just fine. I thanked the waiter, didn't check out any other chicks (because how could I possibly tear my eyes away from her?) and everything was progressing according to plan. Until, of course, we overheard someone from across the room say something very rude.
You know how small children don't have a filter and just kind of say whatever they want? Well this poor, poor child had apparently never seen a bigger person before, so in the middle of our dinner, this little boy pointed at my Leshawna's rad plush rump and said, "mommy, why is that lady so big?"
Once these words fell on Leshawna's ears, her eyes widened and she dropped her fork on her plate before gritting her teeth angrily. "What did that kid just say?"
I put my hand on hers to calm her down, unable to find any comforting words to say.
And then things got worse.
The little boy's mother hushed him sternly and said, "now now, some people are just fat, okay? Don't go pointing it out like that. It's rude."
Leshawna slammed her hand on the table and shot up out of her chair. "What did you just call me?"
"Oh no," I groaned, putting my face in my hands. Immediately, I realized that was a bad idea and sprung to my feet when I heard Leshawna's chair scooting backwards as she stood up.
She marched towards the family, rolling up her sleeves as she did. "You wanna run that one by me again, sugar?"
The mother put a hand on her son's head and put on a scared face. "I'm sorry, ma'am. My son doesn't know any better."
Leshawna crossed her arms and tapped her foot on the ground impatiently. "Okay, that I can forgive, but I can't let you call a homegirl fat and get away with it."
"I'm sorry," the suburban mom said. "Please don't start anything in front of my child, please."
"No! I'm gonna sit us both down and tell you a little somethin' about what not to call somebody!"
I ran after Leshawna and put a hand that was meant to be soothing on her shoulder. "Leshawna, come on, let's go. It's not worth it."
"I'll show you what's worth it!" Leshawna roared. She reached over her shoulder and grabbed me, flipping me over her head and slamming me on the other family's table. Food, silverware and drinks went everywhere, Most importantly, the dinnerware under me shattered and I felt shards of glass dig into my back.
Yeah, I'm ninja trained so I should have seen that coming, but one never expects to be flipped over by their own girlfriend, okay? Gosh!
Anyway, people screamed, I groaned in pain, everyone scattered, and Leshawna and I were kicked out of that restaurant for life, which is a real bummer since their breadsticks are so amazing.
After our trip to the hospital to get my back checked out, we rode back to my house mostly in silence, save for my groans of pain. Finally, Leshawna put a hand on my shoulder.
Note: you should never try to distract your driver from the road. It's like, super irresponsible and unsafe. I learned that at Driver Steve's Driving Camp.
Anyway, Leshawna said, "baby, you're not mad at me, are you?"
I tried to stay silent and give her what the laymen call a "cold shoulder," but my frail constitution broke like scrawny waves against her pleading eyes. Finally, I sighed and slouched my shoulders, which sent a twinge of pain through my body. "No, I'm not. There's no way I can be mad at you, Leshawna. Not really."
"But I threw you onto a table and sent food everywhere on our date night," Leshawna said sadly.
"Yeah well, better me than the lady who called you that thing," I said with a shrug. "That coulda gotten you arrested, and I don't have the dough to be bailing you out."
Leshawna cracked a small smile. "Yeah, I guess there's that. I'm still sorry though."
"I forgive you," I nodded as I slowed to a stop at a red light. I turned my head to her and said, "maybe you can kiss it and make it better," before winking suggestively.
"Kiss your...back?" She asked, confused.
"That uh, sounded better in my head."
"I'm sure it did, Harold baby."
After both Harold and Leshawna's dates had disastrous consequences, they figured that nothing could go wrong that could be worse than their previous two dates.
But how wrong they were.
They decided that, for the best possible results, they should split up planing priorities, so Harold planned one part of the date and Leshawna handled the other. Leshawna's plan involved seeing a movie that was definitely not a superhero movie and dinner at a restaurant that was definitely on the other side of town from the one they had gotten kicked out of. Fortunately, things went without a hitch for the first half of the date. Harold didn't accidentally put his arm around the wrong woman, and nobody said anything negative about Leshawna's appearance. Or, at least, if they did, she didn't hear them. Leshawna paid for the movie while Harold covered the dinner expenses, which helped shape things up to a pretty good date overall.
However, that was only half the date, as Harold had a couple of activities of his own planned. His first order of business was a good hour or so of people watching at the local mall. It was always fun for them to observe strangers and the weird things that transpired at a mall. It was crowded because of some holiday coming up, but that only made the people watching more fun. They also each stopped by places according to their interests and made some purchases. Harold bought a game and Leshawna got some bling; the usual mall fare. After witnessing two women almost tear each other apart over a pair of shoes on sale, they decided it was time to depart to Harold's next planned task.
The fourth event of the evening was a lovely stroll through a local park, which, after the hectic and bustling mall, was a pleasant change of pace. It was a bit chilly out, so nobody else had gotten the same idea, which left Harold and Leshawna alone, bundled up in jackets and walking around the park, observing nature and occasionally falling into conversations about the future and whatnot. After the cold finally got to the couple, they piled into the car and headed for their final destination on the date, which was something that took some convincing from Harold for both parties to agree on.
A few miles out from that park was a hill famous for the beautiful view it offered, but also infamous for being a popular spot for teens to come do some unsavory things. Harold had always wanted to visit that makeout hill, and finally managed to convince Leshawna that it would be a wonderful, albeit cliche way to close out their first successful date in over three attempts. They arrived to see the sun setting, lighting the sights gracing their view aflame with vibrant oranges and reds. Once they arrived, they wasted no time in locking their lips together and well, doing what the hill's nickname implied.
After some time, they separated, prompting Harold to say some mushy things, to which Leshawna responded with flustered acceptances of his flowery compliments. It didn't take long for Harold to dive into poetry about Leshawna, which he had prepared well in advance. That part didn't weird Leshawna out, but what did was the part where he apparently had a vast stockpile of poems and songs just about her.
Almost all of the songs involved beatboxing.
"Harold baby, I appreciate all this, but can we just get back to—"
"Now now, I'm only on my thirteenth song, my dear," Harold said, holding a hand up to stop her.
Leshawna's eyes narrowed. "Out of how many?"
Harold stared off into space for a moment. Leshawna took this opportunity to note that the sun had almost completely disappeared over the horizon before Harold snapped out of his daze. "Approximately thirty-two."
Leshawna sighed and rolled her eyes. "Well, isn't that nice. We don't have to get through all of 'em today, do we?"
"I guess not," Harold shrugged. "Shall I stop at fifteen so we can get back to business?"
"I'd like that," Leshawna said with a smile.
About fifteen minutes later, Harold had wrapped up his Shakespearean tirade and they got back to the reason they climbed the hill in the first place. The very instant their lips made first contact, they were cut off by loud sirens and a light shining into the car. Startled, they jumped away from each other to opposite sides of the car, looking around frantically for the source of the interruption. They heard a booming voice that sounded like it was telling them to exit the vehicle, so they scrambled to do just that. They looked toward the blinding lights to see a car parked just behind theirs, red and blue lights flashing atop it. Outside the car were two officers, one holding a spotlight that was aimed squarely at Leshawna and Harold and the other with his hands on his belt.
The one without the spotlight took a few steps toward the couple and jut out his lip. "What are you two kids doing here?"
Harold and Leshawna stuttered out half-assed answers, but nothing came out until Harold thought of a question. "Er, can I ask you something, sir officer dude?"
The officer raised his eyebrow. "I should be the one asking you the questions, boy."
"Yes sir, but...why the spotlight? Couldn't you have just turned on your high-beams?"
Leshawna smacked Harold's arm. "Harold! Don't sass the man with the shooting lessons! I'm the sassy one and I know that!"
The police officer with the spotlight stifled a laugh as the one with free hands looked back to his partner with an exasperated look. "Look kids, we've gotten a lot of reports about less than savory acts perpetrated here, so we're cracking down on couples coming up. If you just leave now without any problems, we won't have to take any drastic action."
Harold groaned loudly and threw his head back. "But this was gonna be the perfect end to our date, man. That's bogus."
The officer sighed and put his hand on his forehead. "Look, I'm sorry for interrupting your date, but please just find another place to...do whatever you were going to do."
Harold opened his mouth to protest, but Leshawna spoke up first. "Uh, of course officer. I'm sorry we were a hassle."
The officer nodded at his partner, who turned off his spotlight. "Alright then. Now we'll all be on our way without incident. Thank you for your understanding."
"Yes sir!" Leshawna said.
Harold breathed a sigh as the officer turned to leave. He decided it would be a good time to crack a joke. "I sure am glad he didn't ask me about that guy we killed."
"Harold!"
The officer spun around, his eyes wide. "Excuse me?"
Harold broke out into a cold sweat and tugged at his shirt collar. "Erm, sorry sir. That was just a joke."
The officers shook their heads. "We don't appreciate those kinds of jokes in the force, son."
"Sorry," Harold said sheepishly.
The officer sighed. "Okay, look. I'm sorry to tell you this, and I believe you that that's a joke, but we're going to have to take you to the station for some questioning. Just to make sure."
Now it was Leshawna's turn to protest. "Oh no, no no no. You are not ruinin' our special night! This was gonna be our first date to go smoothly in like, two months and y'all aren't gonna ruin that for me!"
To make a long story short, Leshawna put up a fight, and the ride to the station was spent with one of the daters wearing handcuffs and the other one staring at his feet in stunned silence.
Once everything was said and done and the officers determined that Harold was indeed only joking, they were kind enough to give the couple a lift back to their car, letting them go with stern words of warning to both parties. They sat down in the car and started it up, getting ready to go home. Another silent half a car ride later, They both spoke up, apologizing at the same time.
After sharing a laugh, Leshawna got her apology out first. "Sorry I tried to start a fight with a police officer."
"It's cool," Harold sighed. "I'm sorry I joked about killing a dude in front of a police officer. That was so uncool of me."
"So I guess we both messed this date up at the end there, didn't we?" Leshawna asked, laughing awkwardly as she did.
Harold's response came in the form of another question. "So does this mean we're officially even now?"
Leshawna shrugged. "I guess we are." Another moment passed and the end of it found them pulling up to Leshawna's house. "Harold baby, let's plan another date, okay? This time, no cops or physical harm. Can we do that?"
"As you wish, my goddess," Harold said, giving her a thumb's up. "No Makeout Hill next time."
They departed with a kiss and immediately got to planning a date which would hopefully go off without a hitch.
But then again, this was Harold and Leshawna, so something was bound to go wrong. Again.