Constant
A Haikyuu! oneshot
by mew-tsubaki
Note: The Haikyuu! characters belong to Furudate Haruichi-sensei, not to me. I have been wondering about Tsukki and Yams in the Birds of a Feather AU for a while now… BUT! This fic stands on its own so you don't have to read the fics in the BoaF collection to enjoy this. Read this simply if you like Tsukkiyama or have been wondering about them, too! Read, review, and enjoy! *Note: Though you don't have to read the BoaF fics to enjoy this, things will be clearer if you do; this is set after the 5th story, "Closing" (links at bottom of my FFN profile).
- ^-^3
He was a jerk, and he knew it.
Tsukishima Kei had no misconceptions about himself. He knew he was quick-tempered and curt and had no time for idiots or for people who moved too slowly. To some people, that made him a jerk. Tsukishima didn't see it that way, but, hey, to each his own.
…except tonight he was feeling a bit like a jerk.
He sat by himself in a booth in the back of The Roost, the bar owned by his new sister-in-law and operated by her brother. He and his best friend since grade school, Yamaguchi Tadashi, had been frequenting this place since their college days, almost right when the place had opened the year they'd graduated from Karasuno High School. Granted, it had been only for the food at first and now they ordered drinks, too—plus, it didn't hurt that Tanaka really did make excellent drinks—but tonight Tsukishima had ordered only food. He wasn't in the mood to drink.
He pushed his black-rimmed glasses up his nose and dragged a finger across the temple, brushing one of his more annoying curly blond locks of hair behind his ear and behind the temple end as he checked his phone again. But his phone merely reflected his golden eyes. There was no email or any text.
A part of him wanted to be annoyed with Yamaguchi—it was a natural instinct, he mused—but Tsukishima simply pushed the remaining food on his plate around with his fork. He took a breath, thinking back to why he and Yamaguchi weren't eating together for once, and his irritation with his best friend ebbed. Tsukishima had wanted to eat early for once and had texted Yamaguchi as much. But Yamaguchi said he couldn't leave work, not just yet. So Tsukishima, being quick-tempered, had gone ahead and come to The Roost on his own. Of course, now he regretted that. Tsukishima Kei was not a whiny, needy little kid…but eating was nicer when he had Yamaguchi's company.
Tsukishima was debating paying when he heard a familiar voice announce "Villager B arrives to save the day!" to the bar's occupants. Said occupants were him, Hinata, Tanaka, and Ennoshita, Tanaka's boyfriend, and Nishinoya, if one counted the cook who was holed up in the backroom cooking, but those out front witnessed Yachi's arrival alongside Saeko. Two men followed them downstairs into the bar, and Tsukishima noted they, too, were familiar faces.
Tanaka and Yachi exchanged a quick word. Then Yachi gestured to the two who were obviously her subordinates. "Akaashi-san, photos! Futakuchi-san, double-check my numbers, please!"
Tsukishima remained in his seat as he took in the turn of events. Futakuchi bickered with Hinata, who was trying to make a quick getaway; Yachi and Saeko conversed with Tanaka as Ennoshita looked on; and Akaashi moved quietly and sleekly about the restaurant, snapping photos here and there with a very nice-looking camera.
Surprisingly, Akaashi made sure to pause near Tsukishima's booth and tip his head to the younger man. The blond acknowledged him, too, with a nod, and then the dark-haired male returned to the task at hand.
How unexpected, to cross paths with Akaashi after all this time. After meeting in Tsukishima's first year of high school during that volleyball training camp, the two had become an odd sort of friends. Akaashi was a like mind, though he wasn't as cynical as Tsukishima was. Still, they had emailed and talked and texted over the years…until maybe four years ago? But Tsukishima hadn't been all that disappointed to lose touch. Graduate school had kept him plenty busy.
However, despite not minding the time that had passed, Tsukishima no longer felt the need to exit The Roost. That didn't mean he suddenly had the appetite to finish his food, so he put some money down and turned sideways in the booth. And Akaashi didn't disappoint. He lingered at the table behind Tsukishima and leaned against it, fiddling with his camera as Yachi continued to be praised by Saeko. "You look well, Tsukishima."
"As do you, Akaashi-san." Had it been, say, Bokuto or Kuroo, then Tsukishima might've teased them some about the mundane start. But there was never a desire to tease Akaashi; he was just a decent guy. "You work at Yachi-san's place?"
"For her, yes, though she doesn't always take me places. Normally only Futakuchi-san shadows her."
"What's the occasion?" Though, even as he asked, he had an inkling, considering how sluggish business at The Roost had been.
"It's a big personal project for her, to give The Roost some aid. Part of it involves a new ad campaign. The other part involves updating the actual venue." He smiled very subtly as Saeko enveloped Yachi in an enormous hug and Tanaka came out from behind the bar counter to hug her, too. "She still really loves her crow family."
"Her murder."
"Hmm?" Akaashi glanced at him.
"A gathering of crows is called a 'murder,'" Tsukishima elaborated.
"Ah, right." Akaashi put away his camera and stretched his fingers. Even in the bar's low lights, something glinted on his left hand.
Tsukishima raised his eyebrows.
Akaashi stopped playing with his fingers and showed Tsukishima the ring before stuffing his hands in his pockets. "Three years ago. Bokuto-san."
"Some things don't change," the blond remarked.
The other man shrugged. "Some things don't." He paused.
"But…?"
They both stared at the others. Then Akaashi actually looked at Tsukishima. "Where's your friend, Yamaguchi?"
"Work," Tsukishima answered automatically, while at the same time his hackles went up. He disliked the prolonged stared Akaashi gave him.
"I see," the photographer said.
Somehow that annoyed Tsukishima more than the stare alone.
Akaashi stood up straight then. "It's nice that you're still in the area, though, Tsukishima."
"Ah, yes…"
"Here." The dark-haired male withdrew a card from his jacket pocket and flipped it over, scrawling something on the back. "My new contact info." He passed the card to Tsukishima. "Of course, you'll probably see me around here from time to time, at least for now. Yachi-san's project is going to take a few weeks." He tipped his head to the younger man once again, by way of parting, and left his spot behind Tsukishima to go break up the ruckus that was Futakuchi and Hinata.
Tsukishima pursed his lips before pocketing Akaashi's card. He shouldered his messenger bag and made for the exit, waving to Tanaka so the bartender would know the money was on the table. But only once the stairs carried him up and to the world outside The Roost did Tsukishima feel at ease.
- ^-^3
At home in his apartment, Tsukishima left his bathroom door open following a quick shower. He went into his room and shoved his bag off the bed onto the floor, but he picked up his clothes and began folding them. When he picked up his jeans, Akaashi's card fell out of his pocket.
It was a strange reminder, he decided, of all the things that had changed. When he'd first gone to Karasuno in his brother's footsteps, he hadn't thought much of it at the time…probably because he'd originally thought of half-assing his way through volleyball club while doing well in academics and doing fine socially with a single friend.
Tsukishima picked up the business card and stuck it in his top desk drawer, only debating for half a second if he'd rather it go on the shelf with his books and figures before deciding to stow it away. No, the card would be perfectly fine nestled among pictures of friends and family, resting atop awards and degrees. After all, he rarely went into this drawer.
It wasn't that he hated his friends or family. How could he? He saw them practically all the time! That had been one side-effect of joining Karasuno's volleyball club. Tsukishima had made friends who weren't Yamaguchi. Tanaka's older sister had turned out to be an old schoolmate Tsukishima's older brother. Tsukishima learned to embrace small changes in himself while Akiteru decided to embrace new challenges and started dating Saeko. Tsukishima had done amazing things in his three years in high school and went on to do almost as amazing things in university and now, here he was, years later, with a couple of okay part-time jobs and some interesting field of research, a brother and a brother-in-law and a soon-to-be uncle. And he actually liked all of that—unless someone asked him. Then he'd lie through his teeth. Old habits die hard.
He sat down at his desk and booted up his desktop to check emails while he toweled his hair dry. Nothing new, but he still had the recent batch of Professor Matoh's notes to transcribe.
In the near distance, he heard a door open and slam shut. Footsteps in the apartment beside his told Tsukishima that Yamaguchi was home. But Yamaguchi told him, too. "I'm home, Tsukki," he called through the wall after knocking twice.
"Hey," Tsukishima mustered. They'd been in these apartments since their freshman year of university and still it weirded the blond out at how thin the walls were. And if he hadn't gotten used to that in eight, almost nine, years, then he doubted he'd ever get used to it.
"Sorry I couldn't eat with you," Yamaguchi continued as he changed clothes—Tsukishima heard his bed creak as he got up from knocking on the wall. "There was a little boy who needed stitches and the clinic was still open, so his mother brought him to us, but he wouldn't let any of the doctors near him. I spent the better part of my extra two hours tonight just establishing a rapport with him until he finally let a doctor sew him up—with me in the room."
"You didn't put the stitches in? I thought you could do that."
"Oh, I can, but I was a bit busy holding him still in my lap." Yamaguchi sighed tiredly. "He was good, though, once all was said and done."
"He wanted to impress you since he trusted you."
"He was a kid, Tsukki. Kids aren't evil and don't have ulterior motives." There was a pause. "I…grabbed some takeout on my way home. But I also swung by the convenience store, and I got us ice cream."
"Matoh-sensei will be video-calling me in an hour."
"And I bought you strawberry ice cream. It'll be gone well before the hour."
"…I'll come unlock the door."
Tsukishima could practically hear Yamaguchi triumphantly grin.
Yamaguchi was leaning against the doorframe when his best friend opened the front door, and he held the bag up in order to gain entry. "So it was the same at The Roost tonight, I take it?" he asked as he made himself comfy on the couch on the other side of Tsukishima's kitchenette.
"Nope."
Yamaguchi gave him a funny look as Tsukishima passed him his ice cream. "What do you mean, 'nope'?" He frowned. "Wait—you did eat there, right? I know you were worried about business being bad as of late, but they didn't close, did they?"
"No, they didn't," Tsukishima corrected him. "Yachi-san appeared. She's going to help revitalize the place."
The freckled man tapped the plastic ice cream spoon to his chin. "Ah, Yachi-san… I forgot about Black Star Boom. She only swings around sometimes, so it's easy to forget she runs a successful marketing company."
"Futakuchi-san from Datekou and Akaashi-san were with her."
"Eh, they work for her? No way!" Yamaguchi's eyes widened. But then he smiled. "It must've been nice, seeing Akaashi-san. I know you were close to him and Bokuto-san and Kuroo-san."
"Close"? Really? Was that how Tsukishima had looked around those three? He supposed it was possible. Tsukishima shrugged it off.
"So? How are they?"
"I didn't talk to Futakuchi-san. Akaashi-san—" The blond hesitated.
"Wuh?" Yamaguchi prompted around a mouthful of ice cream.
Tsukishima gave him a look and poked Yamaguchi's forehead. "Don't talk with your mouth full. Akaashi-san's married."
At least Yamaguchi swallowed before he gaped at the other man. "Ehh?! Really?! Wow! Who?"
As if that weren't obvious. "Bokuto-san."
"Wow! Good for them. When? Where? Couldn't've been in Japan, that's for sure."
Now that he stopped to think about it, Tsukishima realized Yamaguchi was right. But he hadn't asked Akaashi for details. And Akaashi hadn't provided them. Theirs was a friendship of straightforward questions and straightforward answers. That was one reason why they'd gotten on so well in the first place. "Uh, three years," the blond said once he realized his friend was still waiting for a response. "That's all I know."
Yamaguchi nodded and finished his frozen dessert. Then he leaned forward on his knees, cupping his cheek in one hand and playing with the spoon in his other. "Wow…three years… That sounds amazing."
"I guess."
"What do you mean, 'I guess'? C'mon, Tsukki. Everyone dreams of that kind of happiness."
"If you mean marriage, then I'd disagree."
Yamaguchi rolled his eyes likely when he thought Tsukishima wasn't looking, but Tsukishima saw anyway. "I mean, being with that one person for the rest of your life. It's romantic."
"The rest of your life is a long time." As he said it, Tsukishima sensed his words sounded harsher than he'd intended. So he spooned the last of his strawberry ice cream into his mouth to keep from saying anything else in excess.
"If Hinata or Yachi-san were here, they'd agree with me," Yamaguchi stated, sitting up and gathering his trash into the convenience store bag.
"Well, they aren't here," Tsukishima pointed out, "so you've got me."
Yamaguchi's eyes flicked to Tsukishima's face, but the freckled man's expression was blank, completely unreadable.
That bothered Tsukishima.
But then his best friend's face morphed into a friendly smile, and Yamaguchi held the bag out for Tsukishima's trash. "Yep," he said curtly.
Tsukishima knew Yamaguchi better than anyone else did, so he knew when a conversation was over…even if an uncomfortable lump had formed in his throat. He got up and followed Yamaguchi to the door, holding it open when Yamaguchi was half through. "I don't expect tomorrow night to be an early one like tonight, so…dinner like usual?" the blond pushed.
"Sure thing, Tsukki. 'Night." And then Yamaguchi pulled the door shut behind him.
All it was, was a door physically closing. Yet, somehow, Tsukishima had a dreadful sense that some other door was closing, as well.
- ^-^3
"Look alive, Tsukishima!"
Tsukishima internally groaned as he arrived at A Uni's volleyball team practice. Coach Sana, who'd called out to him, was grinning as if he lived, breathed, and slept volleyball and expected all his staff to do the same. "Sana-san…good afternoon."
"You know, I mean it," the older man pressed as Tsukishima placed his bag near the head coach's office door. "These guys will jump on any sign of weakness and use it to their advantage."
Tsukishima rolled his eyes with his back turned to his boss and zipped up his sweatshirt since the February chill was leaking into the gym. "I doubt that. So today's focus?"
"Ah, receives. These boys are good at attacking, but their receives are crap. Especially the tall one, Owatari."
What a familiar scenario. Still, Tsukishima had learned a lot from his high school volleyball club, and that had helped him do well when he'd become a part of A Uni's team as a student. "Flying falls for those who don't do well?" he suggested.
"You read my mind."
Sana-san gathered the team around and gave them instructions. Half of them groaned, but they seemed less resistant once Tsukishima informed them it was a regimen he had done before.
"Leave it to the national athlete to motivate them," Sana-san told him on the sidelines.
"I won nationals once. I only went the other two times," Tsukishima pointed out as their eyes followed the players.
"Yes, but people don't forget things like that." That grin returned to his face.
Tsukishima sighed. "Sana-san, you remind me of a young Nekomata-san. From Tokyo's Nekoma."
The coach's eyes glittered. "Really? The famous Nekomata-sensei? That's high praise!"
It was and it wasn't.
"Sad about him, though."
Tsukishima turned his head. "What do you mean?"
Sana-san held up a hand and blew his whistle. "Owatari! Again!" Then he glanced at his assistant coach. "You didn't hear? Nekomata-sensei passed away at the start of the month. His poor family. Nekoma, too, at that. He was really beloved. But he was in his late seventies. Almost eighty, I think. He was a good man, and a legendary coach." Sana-san ran a hand through his gray hair. "I hope I can do half as much as he did, for this team."
Tsukishima looked away and said nothing, and thankfully his boss didn't harp on about the subject. But, as practice went on, Tsukishima sensed Sana-san had something else on his mind.
"Oh, remember that we've got a match this Friday against I University, at seven."
"Yes. I let Matoh-sensei know I'd miss his call if he contacted me then."
Sana-san stroked his chin. "…I still don't get you, Tsukishima."
"Sir?"
"I know your love of dinosaurs led to your degree in herpetology—Yamaguchi told me back when you two played for me."
Dammit, Yamaguchi.
"And I'm sure your research will help the medical field at some point. But being a paleontologist's teaching assistant? When you're not even there on a dig? You're a damn good assistant coach, you know."
The bespectacled man felt a mix of things: embarrassed, annoyed, flattered…confused, too. "I'm not much of a teaching assistant. I'm just the only one who can discern Matoh-sensei's handwriting, so I transcribe all of his lecture notes and research notes."
"And I'm sure you find it interesting." Sana-san ran a hand through his hair again before resting his hands on his hips. "But think about what you could've done in sports."
"I'm no professional athlete."
"No, but what do you think I've been doing for the past fifteen years? Becoming a sushi master?" Sana-san gave him an exasperated look. "Yamaguchi studied sports medicine before switching to a more general nursing program. That's what I mean. Not that you should've gone into medicine, too, but that you could've been a coach. Like me."
"Oh." Tsukishima pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose twice before removing them to clean them. Once back on, he still wasn't sure where to look. Or what to say. "…oh."
Sana-san exhaled and clapped him on the back. "I'm not trying to make you regret your choices, Tsukishima, and I'm sorry if I sounded that way. Just… You've got this spot," he continued, pointing to where the blond's feet touched the court, "so long as you'll have it."
Tsukishima nodded his thank. He didn't know what else to say to that.
- ^-^3
"…Tsukki. Tsukki. Tsukki."
The blond tore his eyes from the ceiling of The Roost and looked across the table at Yamaguchi. "Hmm?"
Yamaguchi furrowed his brow. "You've been staring at the ceiling the whole night. Did you hear a word I said?"
"I—" He stopped. Honestly, he hadn't.
His friend frowned. "Did something happen today? You're quieter than usual."
Tsukishima closed his eyes and drank his water. "I'm fine."
"Bull." Yamaguchi leaned back on his side of the booth. He nudged Tsukishima's foot with his own under the table. "Tell me."
Tsukishima chewed a mouthful of rice. "It's nothing. Sana-san basically offered me the assistant coach position fulltime." Well, he sort of had.
"That's great, Tsukki!" But Yamaguchi didn't smile. "So why do you look as though someone just broke your headphones?"
Tsukishima gave him a little glare since he didn't care for the analogy. "It came up when I was talking with him… Nekoma's head coach passed away earlier this month. I was stunned, is all."
"Nekomata-sensei? Oh…" Yamaguchi's gaze drifted to their table. He glanced up at Tsukishima and then he raised his hand, motioning to Tanaka with two fingers.
"Don't," Tsukishima said, grabbing Yamaguchi by the wrist and lowering his arm.
"I just wanted to toast him," Yamaguchi said.
"Another time. If Tanaka-san comes over now, he'll wonder what the sudden shots are for, and I just… I don't want to deal with that right now." Tsukishima noticed he still had hold of the other's wrist, and he let him go.
Yamaguchi looked to the bartender, but Tanaka hadn't noticed Yamaguchi. He was laughing along with Ennoshita at something Kageyama had said to Hinata. "…all right."
"Thank you."
The freckled man shrugged it off, and he looked around at the few other patrons before settling on those same four again. "I guess, too, it'd be better to save it for another night, since they look happy. They don't need that right now."
Tsukishima followed his gaze. Ennoshita shot Tanaka a smile while Hinata engaged Kageyama in some shameless PDA by asking for a kiss on the forehead. "Mm."
"It must be nice, that," Yamaguchi mumbled. "For Nishinoya-san, too."
"Him, too?"
Yamaguchi chuckled softly. "C'mon, Tsukki. As if you hadn't guessed that he and Azumane-san made up after Azumane-san returned."
"I hadn't thought about it, really."
Yamaguchi didn't comment.
The duo finished up, paid, and went to catch the train. They lived two stops from The Roost and would walk home in good weather. But a light snow had begun to fall, so tonight was not one of those nights.
Outside their apartment doors, Yamaguchi gave his friend a little wave before he went inside.
"Yamaguchi," Tsukishima blurted.
The shorter man stopped halfway over the threshold. "Yeah?"
But Tsukishima clenched his jaw. "…never mind."
"'Night, Tsukki," Yamaguchi said.
Tsukishima went inside, too. But once he was inside, he leaned against the wall he shared with his best friend and softly banged his head against it.
"Must be nice," indeed.
- ^-^3
Through the following night and the night after that—yes, even during the volleyball game—Tsukishima began to question the little things. Seeing Akaashi. Hearing about Nekomata-san. Witnessing the rest of the Karasuno lot being happy. And even the recent stiltedness between him and Yamaguchi.
He knew he wasn't imagining that, either. Sometimes he'd brush it off. Other times would be like that night when Tsukishima called out to him for no reason. Tsukishima felt unsettled—in general, as well as about this possible rift between him and Yamaguchi—and it was beginning to get on his nerves.
Akaashi had been right: some things hadn't changed. But Tsukishima knew that meant other things had changed…or were changing. He had half a mind to ask Yamaguchi for his thoughts on the matter, but Tsukishima knew there was a big problem with that plan: Yamaguchi would wonder why Tsukishima was bothered so much. And that was something for which Tsukishima had no answer. Yet, come Saturday night at the bar, he began to reach a conclusion.
"Things are going to get noisier around here," Saeko told them as she stole a fry off Akiteru's plate. "Takinoue-san will be stopping by tomorrow to start his work. Uchizawa-san said the new upholstery will be sent later next week. And we're gonna stay open throughout nearly all of this!" She hummed happily.
"Cheers to that!" Kinoshita, one of Ennoshita's friends, chirped, and he raised his glass, leading the others in a toast.
With the bar full of Karasuno's volleyball club members, Ennoshita and his friends, and the new Tsukishima family, the noise level in the normally quiet bar brought a headache on for Tsukishima. He rubbed his temples and shot Yamaguchi a look. "Do we have to stay?"
Yamaguchi's smile calmed down. "Aw, Tsukki… But Shimizu-senpai and Azumane-san are here tonight, too. And I like chatting with Kinoshita-san and Narita-san."
"Fine. Then I'm going back first," the bespectacled man announced irritably. He left money for his portion of the bill and grabbed his things, not wanting to stay until the bitter end or even until his brother chose to catch up with him.
Outside, he was both frustrated and relieved that Yamaguchi hadn't chased after him. On the train ride home, he crossed his arms in front of his chest and watched the lights outside the subway zip by. Sometimes the atmosphere at The Roost was a bit much for his tastes…
Ah. The Roost.
That had to be it. With familiar faces walking back into their lives—and sticking around, at that—no wonder Tsukishima felt he and Yamaguchi were changing. Seeing how everyone else had moved on in their lives, how they were living…
It was a constant reminder that he and Yamaguchi were the same as ever. And Tsukishima had to wonder if he was all right with that.
…no, he was being ridiculous. They weren't the same. Look at their careers alone. Still… They were still side-by-side. There was work and them; that was how both their lives were. There was no getting married and starting a family, like Akiteru and Saeko. There wasn't even romance with someone totally new, like Tanaka with Ennoshita. So was their friendship holding them back, keeping them in place?
Once upon a time, Tsukishima actually had thought Yamaguchi could've ended up with Yachi…except for the fact that Shimizu had gotten her first. But, aside from barking up the wrong tree, Yamaguchi had shown the potential to have a path that included less of Tsukishima for once. And Tsukishima had thought that'd be good for him. Hell, probably for both of them.
But then they'd lapsed into this comfy life they'd lived for several years now, with no worries or anything…except now Tsukishima could see it. His brother and Saeko. The King of the Court and his redheaded other half. The other couples at the bar tonight. And Akaashi and Bokuto. Yamaguchi had even commented on it, meaning he must want that eventually, too. But he wasn't going to achieve that if he made it a priority to eat most nights with his childhood best friend.
On the steps up to his apartment, his phone trilled with a text. It was Yamaguchi, saying he'd be home soon. Then Tsukishima's phone rang. "Yes?"
"Kei, answer with 'hello,' at least…," Akiteru admonished. "Uh, you left before I could catch you, and Tadashi left before I could ask him to pass it along—come have dinner at our place Monday night. You can bring Tadashi, if you want."
Go figure. Here Tsukishima was, trying to figure out how he might keep his friendship intact while planning how they might actually live separate lives, and they were thrown together again. "I'll invite him," Tsukishima said, "but I don't know if work will keep him."
"That's fine. Hey, is everything all right? You sound tired."
"I have a headache," he admitted as he entered his apartment.
"Okay. Make sure to take an aspirin before you go to bed, then."
"Gee, thanks, Mom."
"Hey!"
"Goodnight."
"I'll see you Monday."
"…Monday." With that, he hung up, and the peace and quiet that was his home greeted him.
- ^-^3
He awoke late Sunday morning, groggy and uncomfortable. No wonder—he'd fallen asleep on the couch going over Professor Matoh's notes. Thankfully, he'd put the laptop on the floor at some point so it wouldn't fall…but the screen was black and the computer wouldn't turn on. Damn. It was drained.
Tsukishima ran a hand over his face, pushing his glasses up to rub his eyes. He didn't have anywhere to be until after noon, but he frankly didn't want to get up at all. He sighed.
A smell drifted into his place as he headed to the bathroom to wash up. He washed his face and then went to his room to don a fresh shirt, and he knelt on his bed to knock on the wall. "Yamaguchi? Yamaguchi."
It took a moment, but his friend responded. "'Morning, Tsukki."
"Hey." The blond grimaced, hoping it wouldn't sound as if he were inviting himself over. "Can we talk?"
"Sure. Door's open."
Before he could convince himself this was a bad idea, Tsukishima got his shoes on and went next door.
"In here," Yamaguchi called from his kitchenette. It was easy enough to find him; the layout of his apartment mirrored Tsukishima's.
"Smells good," Tsukishima remarked.
"Yeah, French toast. I had the time since I got up early, so I figured, 'Why not?'" Yamaguchi pushed a lock of hair behind his ear, but it was out of habit more than out of necessity since he's started wearing his hair short when he'd begun working days as a nurse in the clinic. He reached for plates with the same hand. "I have some extra."
It hadn't been his intention to have breakfast here, but Tsukishima's stomach growled. Yamaguchi clearly heard it for he chuckled at his friend, and Tsukishima felt his face flush red. "My brother called last night."
The freckled man swiped some butter on both plates of food and dusted them with powdered sugar. Then he grabbed utensils and passed a set to Tsukishima, and the two ate while standing. "Yeah?" Yamaguchi prompted.
"Nothing out of the ordinary. Dinner at his and Saeko-san's tomorrow." Tsukishima ate a bite and swallowed. "You can come over, too."
The hand moving the fork between food and Yamaguchi's face slowed. "Oh…thanks."
Tsukishima shrugged. "He didn't say what time, but I'd guess around seven-thirty like—"
"No, that's okay."
Tsukishima lifted one cream-colored eyebrow. "Hmm?"
"I won't join you guys tomorrow night. So don't worry about me."
Yamaguchi finished his plate, but Tsukishima was too busy trying to read his friend's body language. "You putting in extra hours at the clinic?"
"Actually, I'm putting in extra hours starting today," the shorter male corrected.
"Oh."
"Yeah." Yamaguchi gave him a somewhat apologetic look. "I'm, uh, going to be late, too, if I don't got going soon… You can take the plate with you, Tsukki, and just return it later." Then Yamaguchi ushered him out of the apartment. "Later, Tsukki!"
Tsukishima did return to his place, but he had to force the rest of his breakfast past the lump developing in his throat. Maybe it just bothered him that Yamaguchi was calling the shots while Tsukishima was trying to figure things out for them from here. And yet, Tsukishima instinctively knew that wasn't it.
After coaching afternoon practice at the university, Tsukishima didn't go home. He took the bus up the opposite way and hopped off at the stop on the edge of the neighborhood. From there, it was a two-minute walk to the clinic at which Yamaguchi worked. Tsukishima stuck his head in.
He wasn't sure what he was expecting. Yamaguchi was there, working. He was checking on a girl with a cast on her left wrist, and something he said made her smile and giggle. He smiled, too, and Tsukishima felt at ease. He hadn't seen such a genuine smile from his friend in a while, and it was a relief to know Yamaguchi could still smile like that, even if it wasn't aimed at Tsukishima.
A female nurse came over to Tsukishima. "Can I help you?" she asked.
Tsukishima silently shook his head. He took one last glance at Yamaguchi and then turned around to go home.
Yamaguchi…really was a good pediatric nurse, the blond mused as he began deciphering Professor Matoh's recent notes. Yamaguchi actually was good with everyone who came into the clinic; he probably had developed that patience taking care of Kageyama alone when the King would get injured on the court. But it was kind of a shame that Yamaguchi had stopped at becoming a nurse and hadn't gone on to become a doctor.
The teaching assistant stared at the chicken scratch photographed on the screen. Was he really thinking like this now? He was no better than Sana-san… Yet Sana-san had a point. Why hadn't Tsukishima gone on any digs with Professor Matoh? Why hadn't Yamaguchi become a doctor?
Why wasn't Yamaguchi showing Tsukishima that smile anymore?
Tsukishima dismissed that thought. That had to be a consequence of his recent scrutiny of the bar's effect on him. Plus Yamaguchi had just turned down the dinner invitation. Obviously these things would blow over…with time. And they'd figure out their futures for sure…with time.
- ^-^3
"What, no Tadashi?" Saeko said when she opened the door the following night.
"Hello to you, too," Tsukishima said with a roll of his eyes.
"Aki~ Kei rolled his eyes at me~" she tattled as Tsukishima kicked his shoes off in the vestibule and padded behind her in his socks. In the dining room, Akiteru gave his younger brother a reproachful look. But the look went away when Saeko grinned impishly and pecked her husband's forehead.
"So what's for dinner?" Tsukishima queried, sitting across from Akiteru.
"Stir fry," Saeko answered. "There was a discount on chicken, so we've got lots. Hope you brought your appetite."
"I brought dessert," he added, placing a plastic bag on the table. "Cherry popsicles."
She squealed and scurried over to him to hug him, though it was suffocating. "Ah, and we'd just run out of them, too!" Saeko sighed happily and rested her cheek atop his head. "Aki, can we adopt him?"
Akiteru laughed at the discomfort Tsukishima knew was plain on his face. "He's already family, Saeko."
"Then can he live with us?"
"Saeko…"
Tsukishima gently pried his sister-in-law off him. "I already have a place to live, Saeko-san."
"I know," she said, returning to the stovetop to start dishing up, "but it'd be fun. Keep things lively around here."
"I'd make things lively?" He couldn't fault them for laughing.
"Okay, okay… But the baby's coming this summer," she continued. She passed Akiteru his and Tsukishima's plates and then grabbed her own before sitting down. "And Ryuu lives thirty minutes away above the bar."
"Ah. You want a live-in nanny."
"No… But we'll need all the help we can get." Yes, Saeko had that maternal glow wrapped around her, but her puppy eyes were the same as Tanaka's, and that didn't do her any favors with Tsukishima.
He didn't comment right away. The thing was, he was looking forward to being an uncle. He planned on making sure the kid was pragmatic like him and not flighty like his brother or too excitable like his sister-in-law. But…moving in with them? Judging by their faces, the offer was genuine. Of course, this would affect Tsukishima's commute…but maybe this was an opportunity. He would no longer share that thin wall with Yamaguchi. "I'll think about it," he muttered at last, and he started eating before either of the other two could verbally express their shock over his response.
- ^-^3
Maybe…maybe moving was the right decision at this point in his life. That was what Tsukishima thought as the days trudged on, and he and Yamaguchi kept missing each other.
It wasn't that Yamaguchi's work schedule had changed all that much, but he'd begun to spend less time with Tsukishima. There were fewer meals shared at The Roost. There were no trains home together. There were even fewer knocks at night to let Tsukishima know when his friend had gotten home safely. February turned into March as Yamaguchi seemed to turn over a new leaf and lead an almost Tsukishima-less life.
Tsukishima tried imagining a life without Yamaguchi in it. He still had his parents and his brother's new family… He still had his friends at The Roost… He still had his two jobs and his research… Frankly, none of those items required Yamaguchi's presence already. So why did Tsukishima feel as though life would be a bit empty if he and Yamaguchi parted ways now?
Whatever his decision, he wanted to put all the cards on the table and talk to Yamaguchi. But snagging a moment of the dark-haired crow's time was easier said than done. Ultimately Tsukishima opted to go to the clinic again the following Sunday in the hopes of catching Yamaguchi at the end of his shift.
The same nurse from before spied Tsukishima lingering, and she gave him a kind smile. "Can I help you?"
"I—" He paused, his eyes following Yamaguchi as the latter called for an elderly patient and led the old woman to an exam room. Tsukishima cleared his throat and tried to focus on the female nurse. "Could you tell me when Yamaguchi gets off?"
"Are you his friend? I could get Yamaguchi-san for you—"
"No, please don't." Tsukishima pushed his glasses up his nose. "I don't want to bother him. He forgot his keys this morning," he adlibbed, "so I thought I'd come get him."
"Oh! Well, he's still got another hour." She gestured to the waiting room. "You're more than welcome to stay, if you like."
"It's all right. I'll pick him up later." He tipped his head in thanks and left. He found a cyber café a street over and set the alarm on his phone for just under an hour, and he kept busy by going through his email on his phone and cleaning up his inbox. When the alarm went off, he was surprised, since it felt as though no time had passed at all.
Tsukishima pulled up on the clinic just as Yamaguchi was coming out. Yamaguchi was waving at his coworkers and so didn't notice his friend until he almost crashed into him. "Wah! Tsukki?!"
"Hey." The blond rubbed the back of his neck and jabbed a thumb over his shoulder. "Wanna go home together?"
"I, uh—wuh—" Yamaguchi closed his mouth. "Uh, y-yeah. Sure."
The duo began walking to the station in silence, which—for the first time ever—felt awkward. Tsukishima glanced at his companion out of the corner of his eye and was disappointed to see that Yamaguchi's surprise had melted into sadness. Tsukishima tore his eyes away and grimaced. "I shouldn't've dropped by unannounced," he thought aloud.
"No…" Yamaguchi sighed and adjusted his bag's straps on one shoulder. "I get it. We've barely seen each other."
Tsukishima nodded but wasn't sure if Yamaguchi caught the gesture. Conversation died between them as they approached the station and boarded the train, but that made sense. It was useless to try and talk with the noise all around them.
Still…the brief walk from the train to their apartment complex didn't fare much better. When their building came into view, Tsukishima slowed his pace. Thankfully, Yamaguchi matched him until they came to a stop.
Tsukishima waited until Yamaguchi turned and faced him. The words "I've missed you" were right on the tip of his tongue, and he opened his mouth to say them—
Yamaguchi held up his hand to stop Tsukishima. He, too, looked ready to say something…but he must've thought otherwise, as he pressed his lips into a thin line. Yamaguchi beamed at him, but there was no warmth to it and it was definitely forced. And when Tsukishima locked eyes with him, he understood why.
"Don't say it out loud," Yamaguchi's eyes read, "or everything will change."
So Tsukishima obliged and said nothing. He got it; he was just as scared about what might change between them, even if he wasn't certain what could change. So he nodded and said nothing and wondered if this was what it was like to watch a friendship dissolve.
- ^-^3
"Tsu-Tsukishima looks scary…!"
"Dumbass Hinata. He'll overhear you and take it out on us!"
"K-Kageyama-kun… Hinata-kun… The whole restaurant can hear you…"
If he cared, Tsukishima would glance at Yachi to thank her for quieting the idiot couple. But he didn't care. He had an idea of how he looked and he was glad he was scaring the others off. He didn't want to talk to anyone right now and he sure as hell didn't want to field any questions about Yamaguchi. He just wanted to eat, toss back a couple of drinks, and go home.
But if he'd wanted a peaceful meal, he should've chosen to eat elsewhere. The construction had sparked people's interest and so business had picked up a bit. But Nishinoya and Takinoue-san were busying setting things up, Nishinoya doing so only when he was all caught up on food orders. Futakuchi and Akaashi were with Yachi again tonight, but only Futakuchi was really working at the moment, sitting beside Ennoshita at the bar counter while he discussed promotional ideas with Tanaka. Yachi was hanging around Hinata and Kageyama, and Akaashi had flitted over to Tsukishima's corner of the restaurant.
Tsukishima threw Fukurodani's former setter a dry look, warning that he wasn't in the mood. Yet Akaashi looked elsewhere, completely ignoring the caution. So he didn't approach Tsukishima immediately, but, as the night wore on, it was clear that even mild-mannered Akaashi Keiji was not going to let his friend stew in his own bitter juices.
"The grand reopening is set for Tuesday, the Thirteenth," the photographer began.
Tsukishima cupped his cheek in his palm and sipped his drink—the only indications he gave that he'd heard Akaashi.
"Futakuchi-san has run the numbers, by the way. This investment should benefit The Roost nicely."
"Mm." The blond finished his drink—only his second one—and debated ordering a third.
Akaashi quietly sighed. "Excuse me," he said as he slid into the seat across from Tsukishima. Then he flicked his heavy-lidded eyes to his compatriot. "Something's weighing your mind."
"As I'm sure everyone else has realized by now," Tsukishima groused.
The other man did not cock his head to one side, remark, or lower his gaze in understanding. He simply folded his hands beneath his chin and continued to meet Tsukishima's golden eyes. Akaashi was a man of few words when necessary.
…and, it worked. Somewhat. Tsukishima deflated slightly and peeked at Akaashi before averting his eyes like a guilty, misbehaving child. However, Tsukishima had no intention to bare all of himself.
His eyes roved over the busy bar, stopped at the ceiling for a time not unlike that time he'd eaten with Yamaguchi, and returned to Akaashi. Yet the gold ring on the other man's hand drew his attention, and a question finally materialized on Tsukishima's tongue. "Three years?"
Akaashi nodded. "To start."
Tsukishima furrowed his brow, confused.
Akaashi's poker face broke a bit as he gently smiled. "The rest of our lives, I mean. I don't plan on being with anyone besides Bokuto-san. And I know he feels the same way about me."
Even before he spoke the words, Tsukishima felt a sense of déjà vu: "The rest of your life is a long time."
Stunningly, Akaashi nodded, agreeing with him. "May I ask you one thing, Tsukishima?"
The blond had to quell the retort that, technically, that was one thing asked. "Shoot."
"What do you think of loneliness?"
An odd question… "Everyone experiences it, I guess. I'm alone tonight. Sometimes Hinata eats here alone when Kageyama's practice runs late."
Akaashi shook his head. "No, that's being alone. Loneliness is a sense that you may be…forever unhappy. Loneliness is a cold paralysis you experience when you realize you're not content with yourself as you are now but don't know how to change. Loneliness…is finding that one person and being unable to picture life without them. You know you'll lose and gain family. You know friends will come and go. You know you lived perfectly fine before that person—but you also know you can't think of any possible future that doesn't have them in it." He dropped his hands to cross his arms and remain leaning on the table. "That," he added, "is why people like me, people like your brother, take the chance and wager the rest of our lives on one person."
"Just so you're not lonely? Isn't that selfish?"
"It's a mutual selfishness."
Tsukishima closed his mouth. There was no point in debating. Akaashi's words were carefully selected, wise…perhaps a tad poignant, even. "I thought you'd ask about…where he is, again," the blond admitted, gesturing to the seat Akaashi currently occupied.
Akaashi let an odd beat pass. "Didn't I?"
A slight feeling of exasperation washed over Tsukishima, and he suddenly was reminded of hanging out with Bokuto and Kuroo. Perhaps Bokuto had rubbed off on his husband….
"Akaashi!" Futakuchi called from the counter. He'd already shouldered his bag and was pointing to his watch.
The dark-haired man got out of the booth. "See you, Tsukishima." He offered him a sympathetic look and then he was on his way.
- ^-^3
"Happy birthday, Aki~!" Saeko trilled that Thursday evening. She and Tsukishima looked on as Akiteru blew out the candles on a small vanilla cake Saeko had picked up on her way home. Saeko pressed a kiss to her husband's temple while Akiteru cut slices. "Sorry we're all you've got tonight, babe."
"Don't be," Akiteru said with a quick shake of his head. "It's not really ideal while the work's being done on the bar to go there, and Ryuunosuke needed to be present while Takinoue-san and Yuu installed the new sign."
"Yeah, that's enough excitement in and of itself." Saeko grinned at Tsukishima. "We were thinking of having another part after the reopening, with Mom and Dad. You up for a visit to Miyagi?"
"Mom" and "Dad" being what Saeko now called his and Akiteru's parents, partially since hers and Tanaka's were gone, Tsukishima pulled a face. "I'm not sure I could get the time off from Coach Sana…"
Now Saeko made a face. "Oh, c'mon, Kei. It's your brother's birthday party…!"
"That's not exactly a valid excuse," he retorted.
"Yeah, but when was the last time we had everyone together?"
The brothers gave her the same "nice try" look.
"Okay, so most everyone congregates at The Roost…" She ate a few forkfuls of cake before continuing. "It just feels as though things have changed a bit around there."
"Well, yeah, it's being remodeled…" Tsukishima trailed off when he saw Akiteru nudge her arm. "Wait. What do you mean?"
"Nothing," Saeko fibbed, but no matter the stink eye he gave her, she wouldn't change her story. The rest of the brief evening spent with them was touchy as they rushed through gifts and half-assed talking about other things. Still, the night got late enough that Saeko began yawning and retired to their room, leaving the Tsukishima brothers to clean up and mill about.
"I need to get going," Tsukishima announced after about five minutes of silence had passed between him and his brother.
"Kei," Akiteru started. He followed the taller blond male to the foyer and didn't speak again until Tsukishima pulled his shoes on. "Kei… Did Tadashi…get a girlfriend or something?"
God. This again. Granted, Tsukishima hadn't considered that possibility. "No," he thought aloud, and really he didn't think so. He'd known Yamaguchi for so long—he would've had an idea if that had occurred.
"Then did you two have a fight? Ryuunosuke mentioned to Saeko that he hasn't seen Tadashi around at all."
Tsukishima shrugged. Actually, perhaps that was the best response, in a way, because weren't he and Yamaguchi in some kind of cold war? That was what it felt like…
Akiteru shook his head and held the door open. "Well…make up."
"Excuse me?"
"If it's your fault, apologize. If it's not, still apologize. He's family, too, Kei. He's been by your side all this time, and it's always been clear to me how good he is for you. And, knowing you," he added with a playful flick to his younger brother's forehead, "you clammed up at the first sign of trouble. But do talk to him. Even if he seems not to want to talk, I'd be willing to bet he'd appreciate you opening the dialogue for once."
"'For once'? But I—"
"You're not exactly the most forthcoming guy, Kei." Akiteru pushed him out the door then. "I hope to see both of you Tuesday night at the reopening."
Tsukishima grimaced while Akiteru waved him off. But…he knew his brother had a point. Several good ones, in fact. The only challenge would be implementing said advice….
- ^-^3
Floating around in Tsukishima's head was an irksome quote probably by some famous scientist whose name refused to come to him: "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results."
Probably the more irksome part was that he agreed with it the more he dwelled on it and as each opportunity to intercept Yamaguchi over the next couple of days passed by futilely. Tsukishima debated another instance of collecting Yamaguchi from the clinic that Sunday, but he dismissed that plan almost as soon as it popped into his head, considering how well that hadn't gone the last time.
But if he didn't change this routine of theirs, he felt that nothing would be solved. And maybe he just might go insane for real.
Practice had been cancelled that Sunday to give the players a rest day before their next match at the end of the week against T University, so Tsukishima spent his afternoon lazily editing a section of a research paper. He needed the break from Professor Matoh's work, but he also needed to divert some of his brain power to thinking about what he'd say to Yamaguchi.
At the desk in his bedroom, Tsukishima deleted a sentence onscreen as his eyes wandered. The time and date taunted him from the lower right corner, and he looked up at the wall calendar hanging above his desktop. March would soon be halfway over…
In a way, he was starting to see Yamaguchi's point of view, about happiness. Especially in light of learning about Nekomata's death, seeing a married Akaashi, and knowing his niece or nephew was due sometime this summer. Those were things that made life meaningful…
Tsukishima caught himself twiddling his thumbs after he pulled himself out of his ponderings. He shook his mind free of his troubles and got back to work, and day turned into night.
He heard Yamaguchi arrive home, but he didn't make any motion to drop in on the other man. Instead, he slipped on his headphones and worked until he was tired. By the time he crawled into bed, the adjacent apartment was utterly quiet. Lovely. Another opportunity wasted.
"I'm a fucking idiot," he groused. He rested his arm across his eyes and despised the tightening he felt in his chest. "Maybe I can live without you, Yamaguchi, but I don't want to."
The blond jolted. Firstly, he remembered how thin this wall was…but silence reigned supreme, so Tsukishima surmised his best friend was sound asleep. Secondly, however, things had clicked into place for Tsukishima as soon as he'd mused aloud.
He hadn't gone on any digs because he hadn't wanted to be far from Yamaguchi. Maybe Yamaguchi hadn't become a doctor because the time commitment meant a break from their norm, meant less time together. Akiteru had only been half right. Instinctively, Tsukishima and Yamaguchi had always stayed with each other.
And Tsukishima was damned if he didn't want to be with Yamaguchi always.
Tsukishima's heart thudded in his chest and his face felt abnormally hot. But the rational side of his brain reminded him that nothing good came from important discussions had after midnight, so he resolved to sleep and sleep well…and make the most out of a possibly life-changing Monday.
- ^-^3
Morning came. It felt like the morning of an important match—the air buzzing with a kind of electricity, his mind clear and ready to go, his thumbs dancing a tarantella together. Amusingly, he even thought he was as invigorated as Hinata got from smelling Air Salonpas.
He got up and dressed and made himself a quick bowl of instant porridge while he listened for the telltale noises of Yamaguchi being up and about. He gave Yamaguchi a couple of minutes in the kitchen before walking to the part of the wall by the door. Tsukishima knocked twice and made certain his voice was strong and clear. "Hey, Yamaguchi."
A bowl was placed on the counter. "…'morning, Tsukki" followed.
Damn. Yamaguchi still sounded off. Nevertheless, Tsukishima forged ahead. "The grand reopening is tomorrow," he reminded his friend. "My brother hopes everyone will show."
"Oh. Right…" There was a pause, and Tsukishima could picture Yamaguchi frowning and rubbing his upper arm uncertainly. "I-I'll be there."
"I'm going, too." Knowing that, would Yamaguchi change his mind?
"You're included in 'everyone.'" Phew.
Tsukishima stuck his tongue out at the wall, knowing what he next said would be a lie: "I'll see you tomorrow, then."
"Yeah. Tomorrow. Have a good day at work, Tsukki."
"You, too."
Yamaguchi clearly returned to his morning ritual afterwards, but Tsukishima didn't mind. He needed to focus, too, today and get through it so tonight would arrive sooner.
Practice went well. Tsukishima and Sana-san had to give the players credit. Their receives were much better than before, and even Owatari appeared to be putting in more effort, to top it off. "Effort matters," Sana-san commented to Tsukishima as they lined the students up for spiking practice.
"Making an effort does," Tsukishima agreed.
Sana-san just about burst into tears at hearing such rare, positive words from his assistant coach.
That aside, Tsukishima had a good day. He got home around midday and wrapped up his transcriptions. An hour after sending them, he got a short video call from Professor Matoh, thanking him for his hard work. A minute after the call ended, Tsukishima got an email from the professor…with five new large attachments. Well, work was work, so Tsukishima saved the files to deal with later.
The blond kept an eye on the time, wondering when he'd last felt so restless. He wasn't sure, but he ducked out to grab a bag of burgers and fries around the time he knew Yamaguchi would be coming home. He had this. His timing would be impeccable.
…or not. Now that things were warming up with the arrival of spring, snow kept melting and refreezing as ice—including on the train tracks. Tonight happened to be one on which the train was delayed because of ice, and the food was somewhere between lukewarm and cold by the time Tsukishima hustled up the stairs to his apartment.
But Yamaguchi was home already. He was at his door, getting his key out, when he spotted Tsukishima. He saw the food bag, too, and began to pat his pockets in earnest, hoping to get inside before Tsukishima was too close.
"Hey!" Tsukishima barked. He jogged up to Yamaguchi and touched his arm, but Yamaguchi shrugged him off.
"Oh, no, no, no, no, no…"
What the hell?! Tsukishima had to stem his irritation. "What do you mean, 'no'?"
"Ahh, Tsukki, don't do this…!" the freckled man begged.
"Do what?!"
Finally, Yamaguchi looked at him…but Yamaguchi's face was a soft, dark pink, making his freckles stand out. His brow was knitted together rather pitifully. "I, um, I…heard what you said last night."
Shit. Tsukishima was smart; he should've known better. But, if ever he needed an introduction… "Well," he stated, swallowing his pride, "I mean it. What I said."
Yamaguchi gave up searching for his key and hid his face with his hands instead. "Ahh, Tsukki…! My heart can't take this…!"
Tsukishima rolled his eyes and opened the door to his place. Then he grabbed Yamaguchi's left hand and pulled him inside. "Then tell me what your heart can't take inside where it's warm."
Yamaguchi pouted and shuffled his feet after Tsukishima closed the door behind him. He kicked off his shoes and came in, but he didn't shed his bag or jacket, even when Tsukishima did and put the food down on the counter. His eyes followed the blond the whole time. "Tsukki…?"
"Yeah?"
"I love you."
Tsukishima stopped in his tracks. He'd been hearing that for more than half their lives, but he understood the context now. His eyes met Yamaguchi's.
"But you're so unfair."
His heart sank. "I know I can be a…jerk," he admitted, his eyes dropping to the floor.
"No," Yamaguchi corrected him. "An ass sometimes, but not a jerk. I'm the Tsukki expert, you see." The sad lilt in his voice lifted Tsukishima's chin. "But being the Tsukki expert is the problem. I've been in love with you almost from the day we met. I thought we'd have a chance maybe once we were adults, but…here we are. Age twenty-six, and I'm still nursing this childhood love."
Tsukishima took a step forward. "But—"
Yamaguchi held up a hand to stop him. "So I gave it some thought, last fall, at Akiteru-san and Saeko-san's wedding. I thought, 'Let's see how the rest of the year plays out. Then, depending, I'll make a New Year's resolution to give up on him.' And you know what? I'd almost given up on that resolution instead! Until last month, when you said you couldn't see being with someone for the rest of your life as happiness."
"Yamaguchi, I…"
"What got me was when I remarked that, had Hinata or Yachi-san been in the room, they would've agreed with me. And you said, 'Well, they aren't here, so you've got me.' But I realized…I don't. I don't have you." Yamaguchi's voice broke on the last word, and his eyes welled with tears. Yet he didn't cry. It was as if crying was tantamount to offering up his last shred of dignity.
Tsukishima clenched his fists at his sides. "I…probably deserve this, huh?"
Yamaguchi smiled wetly and shook his head. "It's not about deserving or not deserving, Tsukki. It's about what we feel and what we want." Yamaguchi exhaled and took several breaths to control his tears. He stuffed his hands in his coat's pockets. "I didn't mean to give you the cold shoulder as of late, but I was trying to follow through with my resolution."
Tsukishima nodded. "I'd been thinking that perhaps it'd be better for us to try living without the other, since you were acting that way."
"That's why I stopped you that time. If you told me that you missed me, I was certain my resolve would crumble." The dark-haired crow tilted his head to the right. "Even now, knowing what you planned to say tonight, I'm wavering. But…I've made up my mind."
Tsukishima grimaced and rubbed his temple. "Yamaguchi… I haven't even said much of anything yet."
"And you shouldn't. You probably just picked up on my feelings for you. This," he continued, gesturing between them, "is just…pity love."
Tsukishima's heart sank. But he was nothing if not stubborn. "I'll confess, maybe I'd begun to be jealous of what our friends have. We see them several times a week, after all."
Yamaguchi raised his eyebrows as if to say "See my point?"
"But I'd started feeling differently the past year. We were eating together more often. I was enjoying myself more often," he mumbled, averting his eyes because, cripes, he was embarrassed right now. "And you may not have realized, but the times when we sit on the same side of the booth? You almost always nod off and use my head as a pillow."
His friend was red. "D-Do not! You'd kill me if I did that!"
Tsukishima snorted. "Last time it happened was at the end of January." His eyes softened, and he hoped Yamaguchi took note of his sincerity. "And, no, I've not wanted to kill you once over that. Or even yell at you."
"Then…it's because we're friends…"
"No," Tsukishima corrected him, taking a step closer to Yamaguchi who was fortunately rooted to the spot, "much as it pains me to say it out loud, Hinata and Kageyama are my friends. Yachi-san is my friend. Tanaka-san and Nishinoya-san and them. Akaashi-san. Hell, I'll even state that Bokuto-san and Kuroo-san are, too, though I will lie if they ever find out I think of them that way." He reached out but didn't touch Yamaguchi because he didn't want to do the wrong thing. "But you, Yamaguchi, are different. So I'll say it again: I'm a fucking idiot. Maybe I can live without you, Yamaguchi, but I. Don't. Want to."
With each brief pause, Tsukishima had taken one step closer to Yamaguchi, never breaking eye contact. Even now, Yamaguchi's caramel-colored eyes were locked on Tsukishima's amber ones, the tears welling anew. Yet, where before Tsukishima had had the sense that the door to their relationship was closing, he now saw something else:
The door was ajar, and more and more light was flooding in.
Relief washed over him, and he embraced Yamaguchi tightly, so tightly that he could barely hear Yamaguchi's sobs clearly. But he knew what Yamaguchi was saying through the tears: "I believe you, Tsukki, I believe you."
He had never heard more valuable words in his life.
- ^-^3
"Yamaguchi, stop hugging me. We're going to be late to the reopening."
"But if I let go, I'm afraid last night will turn out to have been nothing more than a vivid dream."
"Shut up, Yamaguchi."
"Sorry, Tsukki!" But his apology was accompanied by a mischievous grin, and he playfully scrunched up his nose and stuck his tongue out at Tsukishima.
…and Tsukishima had to calm himself. Yes, it was now out in the open that his feelings for Yamaguchi were special, but he was still organizing said feelings. Besides, if he weren't careful about which feelings he acted on, that could lead to a whole other disaster…and, really, Tsukishima could only handle one disaster at a time.
In hindsight, letting all of this play out last night, on a weeknight, probably hadn't been wise. Once he'd gotten Yamaguchi calmed down, they'd eaten the cold food in relative silence and then bid each other goodnight as they'd both have to work in the morning. But Yamaguchi had managed to end his shift earlier than he'd been ending recently, and Tsukishima knew it was because of the celebration tonight…and, okay, yeah, also to spend time with Tsukishima. And Tsukishima actually liked that, too.
But now it was five-thirty, and the bar would be open in a half-hour and Tsukishima was trying to get his jacket on with Yamaguchi still wrapped around him. "Yamaguchi, it takes ten to fifteen minutes to get there when things run smoothly. But now we'll be going during rush hour." He turned and patted the shorter man's head…and then playfully flicked his fringe.
"All right, all right… I'll behave at The Roost, too, until we tell the others," Yamaguchi added as he got his shoes on in front of Tsukishima's door.
"That would be wise," Tsukishima agreed. And who the hell knew when he'd tell his brother alone? But the blond blinked. Wise… "Oh, hell," he grumbled, kicking his shoes off and scurrying back to his room.
"Tsukki?"
"Give me a minute!" He went to his desk's top drawer and rifled around, searching for that blasted tiny bit of cardstock…
Yamaguchi came in behind him. "I know I've said it before, but it looks so much like your room back when we were in high school." He tried to disguise it, but there was laughter leaking into his voice.
Tsukishima's ears burned red as he stacked some of the drawer's contents on the desk. "Shut up, Yamaguchi."
The other crow came and peered over his shoulder. "What are you looking for, anyway? If we're late, it'll be because of you, you know."
"Yes, I know, but if I don't find this business card and tell a certain someone that he was right before we go, I'm not going to be able to relax at the party." It was true; Tsukishima already could feel Akaashi's all-knowing gaze at his back, and he didn't want to burst under the pressure and say something before he was ready for the others to hear it.
Yamaguchi reached past him and picked up a photo. "Tsukki, what's this?"
"Ha!" the blond huffed victoriously, Akaashi's card in hand. He quickly entered Akaashi's info into his phone and sent the owl a text before he spied the picture Yamaguchi held. "Oh, that?" The picture was one Akiteru had taken of Tsukishima and Yamaguchi when they were little—likely around one of the first times Yamaguchi had visited the Tsukishima household. In it, they were close, an arm around the other, grins bright…Yamaguchi's blinding, Tsukishima thought.
Yamaguchi smiled and lovingly boffed Tsukishima's shoulder. He looked at Tsukishima's bookcase to the left of the desk, saw how bare it was outside of holding books and dinosaur figures, and placed the picture on it, propped up by a plastic stegosaurus.
Tsukishima rolled his eyes but drew Yamaguchi to him anyway, tousling his hair. The picture was where it belonged, really, and now so was Yamaguchi.
- ^-^3
Ah, yes. Another pen dead (I'm on my 5th pen now, writing these stories longhand first XD), but for a good cause! Kind of like Asanoya in "Glass Shards," there were many times when I thought Tsukkiyama would go in another direction, but they surprised me every time. Probably most surprising was Yams boldly stating he loves Tsukki before proceeding almost to crush what chance they had…yeesh, Yams! D: I was happy, though, to include Akaashi, because he's such a fun character to write, all mysterious and infuriatingly all-knowing. *lol* (Btw, there'll be an Akaboku/Bokuaka story somewhere down the line because they're too precious not to include and because y'all need to know where Bokuto is anywho, but that'll probably come after the 6th Ennotana fic, so stay tuned! Not to mention that, at the time of this fic's publication, only the Shibuya and Setagaya wards in Tokyo allow for same-sex marriage, hence Yamaguchi's broad statement.) Sorry about the OCs, since I've been trying to borrow charries from other sports series to fill necessary spots, but I kind of needed Sana and Matoh to fill specific roles in Tsukki's life, and I think Tsukki leads a life that's rather him, no? :') And Yams being a nurse…it just fit. X3 The other ship mentions were cute, but I really do enjoy Saekiteru/Akisae, and I like how weirdly Tsukki and Saeko get along, as though she's some gale-force wind he gave up fighting. XD But, yes, he looks forward to being an uncle… -w- Oh, and Tsukki's comment about Yams sleeping on his shoulder? That did happen onscreen, in "Closing" in the BoaF collection. :D Let's see, what else… Well, lastly, I think a lot of what Tsukkiyama thought and said was true. They've been together for so long that they really don't want to screw anything up. But I think, to some extent, they'll have an easier time of it, becoming lovers, than Kagehina would if Kagehina were getting together only now. Anyway! If you're curious about Saekiteru, I'd suggest heading on over to "Brown Gold Eyes," because one can never have too many Tsukishimas! Final comments: the scientist whose definition of "insanity" was running through Tsukki's head was Albert Einstein, and the songs for this fic are "Bawling (feat. Oh Hyuk)" by Primary, "5:09 am" by Ai Otsuka, and "U (feat. Kwon Jin Ah & Rap Monster)" by Primary.
So thank you for reading, and please review! The 6th EnnoTana story, "Opportunity," will be posted in the Birds of a Feather collection in a while (there are a lot of side stories following that one), so stay tuned and look for the links to all related stories in this AU located at the bottom of my profile.
-mew-tsubaki :}