Reverse psychology to the nth Degree

Dear Mr. Ruka Nogi,

There are only two factors that can reduce forever into nothing, love into heartbreak, a burning flame of passion into ashes. If it's not me, then it's you. And it's never me. Therefore the one at fault is always you.

Why can't you be a little more considerate of me? It's not like I ever asked you to pay my half of the bill when we go out to eat or hold the door open for me when I'm in my six inch stiletto pumps. I am an independent woman and I find it absolutely insulting that you would even insinuate that I'm incapable of doing these things perfectly fine by myself. So don't think that you're doing me a favour when you're not. You know which incident I'm talking about. How dare you invite Mikan's whole crew - but more precisely that barbarian Natsume Hyuuga - over to give me a surprise party on my thirty-third birthday? I've been trying to forget my age ever since the big three-zero and you just have to go and present it in the most conspicuous neon bright purple icing you can find.

Speaking of food, why do you always come in with crab roe when I'm busy brainstorming? Do you not know how easy it is to lose track of my ideas? Several dozen times you have interrupted a brief flash of genius I was in the middle of putting down on paper. I could have potentially made something to bring in a revenue of millions. Now we'll never know because you ruined it with your stupidity.

I keep telling you to get rid of these useless pets just lying around our house like a bunch of freeloaders. You spend thousands of dollars taking care of them and for the love of god I cannot fathom why you waste hard earned money so foolishly. Actually I do know. It's because you think I'm not good enough for you, isn't it? You're trying to make me jealous by spending time with your pets. That's laughable. As if I'd be jealous of another species. I think of them a little better than the pests that used to reside in no-star rooms back at Alice Academy. One time, your parrot woke me up thirty minutes before a crucial business meeting. That was when I realized that your pets have caught on the same selfish, audacious attitude of yours. It was like you were secretly building an army of creatures to break my resolve. I was resting in pure, undisturbed bliss before that damned bird had to give me a reality check.

It's kind of like what you do every day, isn't it? Every time I conjure up a seemingly brilliant idea, you always tell me that I can do better than that. I, clearly being the smarter one, completely dismiss your objective and prototype it anyways. It never works because you jinx it with your putdowns. Last time I checked, husbands are supposed to provide encouragement instead of belittling their wives.

You just don't know how to deal with women. Every time girls come up with you and ask how you're doing you'd stammer like there's no tomorrow. What is the big deal? You're always making me look bad in front of others. Every single time we go to a club or a bar you turn into this nervous wreck and I get second-hand embarrassment from just knowing you.

Furthermore, I don't know why you always get so upset when I dismiss our plans in favour of attending business meetings. Stop interrogating me about my business partners. You are my husband, not the FBI. It's none of your business what gender they are or what company they work for. Leave it to someone who knows how to deal with these things, mmkay hun? Business is business and sometimes I have to do business with people you don't like. Suck it up. Otherwise, who's going to put food on our table when all your money is going towards useless purchases for an infant who isn't even born yet.

Seriously, how can you just go and suddenly knock me up. We talked about this. I don't want children until I'm completely capable of supporting them. With our wishy-washy situation right now, who knows if my kid is going to get the education he needs to attend MIT? My family made the biggest fuss over it. Words cannot express how ashamed of myself I am for carrying something with your genes inside me. You remember years from now when our kid is getting bullied in school, it's because he has your wimp inside of him.

I can't believe you had the nerve to walk out on me last Monday after all you've done. I've never dated - I've never married someone so horrible as I have you. You just don't know the rules of a relationship. Didn't your mom teach you that the woman always gets her way? Good luck to you for finding another wife. With your abilities, you'll never ever get another woman that measures up to me, so save your efforts.

Oh yeah, I got your text the other day: I'm sorry for walking out on you. Please talk to me. We can work this out like we worked out all our problems. I love you Hotaru. First of all, thank you for making me look like an utter fool by texting me right in the middle of a meeting. Second, why do you even bother to text me when I clearly told you to leave me alone because I never want to see or hear you again? You're so pathetic Nogi. What is all that rubbish? It's sounds like something written by a whiny heartbroken sixteen year old. You're thirty four now. Maybe it's time to act your age and just let this go.

Don't ever call me again, Nogi. When I change my number it means I don't want to talk to you so don't go asking all my friends for it. That's awfully desperate and frankly you're just playing dirty. Don't cruise up on the driveway in your car with a bouquet and a proclamation of love. From this point on, just don't do anything in your life that involves me okay? (Unless you want to discuss custody of our assets and child post divorce. Then I shall happily comply.) I will never forgive you. I will never come back to you. I never want you to come back to me. Please go far, far away, lose your visa, and never return to this country, because merely being in the same country as you outright disgusts me.

Regrettably yours,
Hotaru Imai

P.S. You'll get the house keys in three days.

This is dedicated to all you RukaHotaru lovers out there. Personally, I can't decide between RukaHotaru or HayateHotaru.

I was studying Chemistry when the title of this story suddenly came to me. I believe I once read a letter of insult that was actually a love letter when you replaced all the kills with kisses or something. Anyway, not sure if there's anything similar in GAFFN. Just know that if there is, this was completely unintentional. After I thought of the title, I came up with the first paragraph and the rest kind of just flowed. I did a once-over edit. Feel free to point out any mistakes I missed in your review, and yeah. :) Hope you enjoyed.

Oh yeah. No more disclaimers on any of my stories. It just clashes with my new format. Plus, I find it redundant as merely posting them on FFN is a disclaimer. (I believe FFN also has a legal document somewhere disclaiming all characters, overlap of plot, etc.)

Reviews and favs are appreciated. I suppose alerts are too but this is a oneshot so there's no point?

-IndigoGrapefruit