Title: How to Totally Stop a Bogus Exploding Man
Characters: Sylar, Peter Petrelli, two famous time travelers from the past
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: Heroes belongs to NBC. No money is being made, just for fun.
Contains: Crack humor, crossover.
Summary: Alternate ending to How to Stop an Exploding Man. Two time travelers from the eighties show up to help Peter and give Sylar a fate worse than any sword could ever inflict.
"Haven't I killed you before?" Sylar asked nonchalantly.
Peter raised his chin in defiance, "Didn't take."
Sylar just smirked at this as he let out a low, menacing laugh. He then raised his hand, catching Peter in a telekinetic chokehold and he began gasping for air.
All of a sudden the wind picked up and howled furiously. Storm clouds began to form as thunder began to crash down from the heavens. All of Kirby Plaza was lit up as lightning bounced from cloud to cloud. A bright blue light appeared from between the clouds and left a trail as a box of some sort fell from the sky and hit the ground with a thud. It was a silver telephone booth.
During the distraction, Sylar lost his grip on Peter. They stood there frozen, staring at this box that just magically fell from the sky. The doors on it began to open and two young men emerged. The shorter one had curly, blond hair, owl-like eyes, and wore a half shirt that showed off his abs. The other had slightly long, straight, black hair, narrow eyes, and wore a white shirt under a black vest. They casually walked up to Sylar and Peter.
The blond one spoke first. "Hi dudes." He put his hand on his chest, "I am Bill S. Preston Esquire," then pointed to the other man, "and this is my esteemed colleague, Ted Theodore Logan."
"We've been sent from the past to stop something heinous from happening. It seems that one of you dudes are supposed to totally blow up!" Ted seemed a little too excited about this as he made an exploding gesture with his hands.
Bill took a crumpled piece of paper from his pocket. "It says here in my notes that a short, sexy, emo dude is the one that's going to blow up." He then glanced between Sylar and Peter. "So that must be you," he pointed to Peter. "It also says that a tall, ultra-sexy, brain-eating dude needs to be stopped from doing bogus evil things. So this must be talking about you," he pointed to Sylar. The two time travelers then looked at each other and started nodding and smiling, as if congratulating themselves.
Sylar looked like he was deciphering the info just given to him. He looked over to Peter and finally said, "Did you hear that? I'm the most sexy!"
Peter rolled his eyes and ignored Sylar. He walked closer toward the two visitors and crossed his arms. "Yes, that's us but how do you know that? Did the Company send you? Who is your boss?"
Bill and Ted looked at each other and shrugged. "You mean Springsteen?" Ted offered.
Peter sighed, "Not The Boss, your boss. Who do you work for?"
Bill then looked at Peter as if he were an idiot. "Dude, everybody's working for the weekend!" he replied in a singsong voice as him and his friend began air guitaring.
Sylar face-palmed and Peter whispered to him, "These guys are good, they must be government trained, looks like we're not getting any info out of them." He then turned his attention back to the two air guitaring guys in front of him. "Okay then, how do you plan to stop me from exploding?"
They stopped jamming out and Bill took a small packet and a can of soda out of his pockets and handed them to Peter.
"Pop Rocks…?" Peter read. "And Coke…?" He looked at Bill in confusion.
"Those are supposed to make you blow up." Sylar began laughing.
"Normally, dude, but if you're about to explode, they'll have the opposite effect on you. So this will totally stop him from blowing up!" Ted explained, still a little too excited.
"No way," Peter said in disbelief.
"Yes way, Peter!" they replied in unison.
As if on cue Peter's hands began to glow. "It's happening!"
"Quickly, eat and drink the stuff, dude!" Ted yelled.
Peter sighed and emptied the packet into his mouth then started drinking the cola. A few moments later his stomach growled and the glowing ceased.
"Excellent!" Bill and Ted shouted as they began to air guitar again.
Sylar then approached them, pushing Peter aside. "Now what were you saying about stopping me?" He glared at them menacingly.
"Bogus." They whimpered as Sylar advanced on them.
"Look, we're totally weak. We can't possibly fight you." Bill pleaded, holding his hands up in surrender.
"Heh, that's what I thought." Sylar crossed his arms.
Ted pointed up into the sky, "Look! It's the Goodyear Blimp."
Without thinking, Sylar turned around to look. Bill took this opportunity to inject him with a syringe filled with Curare while Ted started to stuff him in a burlap sack. Muffled curses could be heard coming from the bag as they tied it up.
Peter watched all this in wide-eyed amazement. "What will you do with him?"
Ted explained, "We're doing a book report on villains and it turns out this guy is at the top of the list." A subdued evil laugh was then heard coming from the sack.
Peter shrugged. "Alright, just be careful. He doesn't like bright light, don't get him wet, and never feed him after midnight," he instructed. Sounds of protest began emanating from the brown bag as Sylar tried to fight his way out. Peter took care of him by landing a punch that knocked him out. The sack tipped over motionless.
"Thanks dude, it was totally nice meeting you." Bill shook Peter's hand and then began to drag Sylar into the phone booth.
Ted then shook Peter's hand. "Glad you didn't blow up, that would have been nontriumphant. Oh, also, I like your hair, it's most excellent." Ted and Peter then moved their bangs to the side with their hands at the same time by coincidence.
"Thank you, and thanks for saving New York. Feel free to come by any time for a visit." He watched as they got back into the phone booth, shut the doors, and started waving. Peter waved back, still not believing what he just witnessed. The phone booth disappeared into the ground leaving little sparks of electricity behind.
XXX
Sometime later, or actually earlier, way earlier in the eighties, Sylar started to regain consciousness. Glancing around at the walls adorned with heavy metal band posters he guessed he was in either Bill or Ted's room. He tried to move but soon realized he was tied to a chair and his powers didn't work. Dammit, not again! He struggled to get free but was distracted by a cold draft on his stomach.
He looked down in horror to find someone had redressed him. He was now wearing one of Bill's half shirts and his abs were put on display for all to see. He looked around cautiously because if there were any fangirls nearby, he would not survive the onslaught in his current condition.
Deciding he was safe at least for now, he reluctantly looked further down at his new attire. His black jeans had been replaced with… M.C. Hammer style parachute pants! At this his jaw dropped. He could not be seen with these on; it would ruin his villainous rep! He was scared to look further down but did so anyway to find his stylish black boots had been switched to black and white Nike high tops. He figured he didn't mind these so much but the pants had to go.
There was a knock on the door as Bill and Ted walked in. Sylar looked up at them, teeth gritted with anger. They were lucky looks couldn't kill.
"You're finally awake, excellent!" Bill said smiling a stupid grin while Ted stared at Sylar as if in a daydream.
"You know, he kind of looks hot in your shirt, Bill," Ted said in a low voice.
"Shut up, Ted," Bill replied.
"Maybe we should go back, get Peter, and dress him up in one too."
"Shut up, Ted!"
"You can have your pick, either one is fine for me. We could even take turns."
"SHUT UP, TED!" Bill and Sylar shouted in unison.
At this Ted seemed to snap out of his trance and looked at them with a blank expression as if nothing had happened.
Bill rolled his eyes at Ted then turned to their prisoner. "Anyways, you'll speak at our book report in a few days, until then you can just chill out with us, dude." He seemed to be totally oblivious to the fact that Sylar was seething mad and ready to slaughter them both.
Ted turned on the TV and sat down beside Sylar. "Oh, it's time for Alf. You'll totally like this, dude!"
Sylar's expression changed from anger to fear. This gave him a second wind; he tried again desperately to break free, whimpering with frustration.
"And if you're really good, we'll take you to go see Rick Astley and WHAM!" Bill added with enthusiasm.
Sylar's blood-curdling scream could be heard up to twelve blocks away.