Once upon a time, there was a grey python named Mike who lived at the Jade Palace. A warrior like no other. A brave and noble reptile that everyone respected and loved. Especially his girlfriend, the great master Viper whom loved him dearly. And he loved her. The two would eventually get married and have twenty babies, and lived happily ever after. The end.
...
...
"Uhm... Mike"?
"Yeah Yinshen"?
"Do you maybe want to tell me what the heck I just read"?
Mike sighed as he folded up the paper that contained the incredibly short story and looked up to the panther who seemed to have a befuddled stare plastered upon her face upon witnessing the contents on the paper.
"Fanfiction. I guess". Mike shrugged.
"Fanfiction"? Yinshen asked, giving a forced laugh. "That was the worst, most boring thing I've ever read in my entire life. And I have to go through boring documents every day". She backed up, refering to her job as a council member, which served as a political role. A very very boring one at that.
"You do know this was written by a seven year old, right"? Mike defended.
"Seven? Dang, they're getting younger and younger these writters".
"Pardon"?
"Hm? Oh nothing".
"Besides"... Mike opened up the paper once more. "It is... fairly accurate".
"You mean apart from the parts that say you're brave, noble, respected, oh and let's not forget about the fact that you're not married? And you most certainly do not have kids".
Mike took another look at the paper and then back to Yinshen with a pout.
"Well... it could happen! Besides, if you think this is bad you should see the stories Po and the five recieve from their fans. I don't think the fires for the over have risen so high from all the.. you know, fuel we've generously recieved".
"Wow. When you put it that way you sound like a bunch of assholes". Yinshen spoke bluntly, crossing her arms in disapproval.
"Well then. I suppose you wouldn't mind if I read a fan fic about you then, hmm"?
"Wait, what"?
In less than a second, Mike manages to pull out a short book seemingly out of nowhere.
"Written by someone called anon, it's a one shot and it has an M rating".
"Who the heck calls their kid anon"?
"Shush. Now let's see... chapter seventeen, A lustful evening".
"A what"!?
Mike begun to read...
The large male panther, Onin Chorus AKA: OC, walked into the bedroom, spying his prize. The beautiful female panther laid down on the bed in a bikini. Her curves were taken in by OC as he couldn't conceal his throbbing-
Before Mike could continue, the book was snatched out of his grip, causing the page the python was on to be ripped out from the book. What happened next, well, let's just say the author won't be getting his fan fic back. In one piece. In a matter of seconds, the book had been reduced to nothing more than pieces of paper. Very tiny pieces of paper. Mike simply looked up to the panther to see the furious look on her face as she continued to glare at the remains of the book. He looked back down to the remains.
"Well at least we won't be cold tonight". Mike smirked.
"That"... Yinshen begun. "Was the most insulting, dishonorable thing I have ever read! If I ever find out who wrote that trash I'll show him who's the prize when I mount his head on my wall"!
"Just so you know, it gets worse. He actually strips naked and"-
"Mike. We're good friends. You know it and I know it. But if you so much as dare continue that sentence... I swear to the Gods above"... She snarled.
"Okay okay, I get the hint". Mike reasoned, raising his tail. It still didn't stop him from smirking however. Thankfully Yinshen did not notice it. "Besides, the five get it much much worse than either of us do. We're hardly noticed in these stories anyway so we should consider ourselves lucky".
"... I suppose". Yinshen huffed, not feeling the least bit happier.
"And in fairness, some of these stories are very creative. You know, the ones that don't immediatley jump to the action and uh... smut let's say".
Yinshen said nothing.
"But the ones that do... ugh".
"I doubt it would be any worse than that abomination". Yinshen spat, pointing to the mangled book by her feet.
"True but the repetitiveness, good lord".
"Repetiveness"?
"Yeah I mean, if you've seen the amounts of Ti-Po fics out there... they usually have the exact same story! Tiger meets panda, there's some sort of conflict between them, they fall in love for reasons explained or not explained, they kiss, live happily ever after yada yada yada, the end".
"That would be annoying after the tenth time reading that sort of plot I bet. Regardless of whomever writes it or however many write it".
"Trust me, with the OC stories, it's even worse. Check this one out". Mike droned, tossing up a book, once again appearing from seemingly nowhere, allowing Yinshen to catch it. "It's pretty much the standard plot for an OC created from inexperienced writers". Mike pointed out.
At first she was reluctant but nonetheless, opened it.
Tigress rested at the peachtree of heavenly wisdom. Her mind clouded with anger and rage over the stupidly muscular antelope who had been chosen to be the dragon warrior, despite his obvious overconfidence in himself and lack of focus for anything except sexy looking women.
"Stupid sexy antelope"! Tigress growled. "Why did Master Oogway chose him of all people?! He is not worthy of the title! Yet why do I feel so weird when I think of him"? She wondered, clearly not realizing that she was in love since she had never experienced such an emotion, even though that within it's own logic makes no sense whatsoever since you would obviously know whether or not you care deeply for someone immediatley even with no experience on love.
"Hello there Tigress".
Tigress turned around and saw the antelope himself at the edge of the steps. His muscular abs and arms were so large it was surprising that his legs could support him. However that was not important as Tigress's anger melted and she smiled happily at the sight of the antelope. Instead, she ran up to him and kissed him fully not caring about the concequences that this could have on her status as a stoic hardcore kung fu master.
"Antelope, I love you"! Tigress confessed.
"But I can't love you". The antelope sadly.
"What? But why"?
"Because of my backstory that will explain about the girlfriend I used to have or how I used to be a henchman for an evil villain who will probably later reveal himself in a few weeks time. Even though I should probably be over those things by now".
At this, Tigress suddenly became angry.
"Fine! Be that way! How dare you feel emotions! I wish I had never suddenly kissed you even though I am confused of whether I love you or not"! Tigress roared before leaving him all alone.
SOME POINTLESS FILLER CHAPTERS LATER...
"I LOVE YOU AGAIN"! Tigress pronounced out of the blue, switching moods once again as she hugged the muscular antelope. "I wish to marry you even though we've known each other for less than a week"!
"Of course I will Tigress. I will gladly marry you and ignore the fact that this is a poorly planned move in our incredibly fast relationship. But we've probably already made love in one of the earlier chapters anyway so screw it".
MORE POINTLESS FILLER CHAPTERS LATER...
It is the day of the wedding. Antelope and Tigress are about to be pronounced man and wife. Tigress is somehow pregnant but that has already been pointed out in an earlier chapter, once again. The two are about to kiss. BUT WAIT!
"Oh no"! Antelope exclaimed. "It's the evil villain that I share a dark history with". Pointing to an evil dark figure that stood twice as tall and had an evil army of evilness.
"Oh no! What a horrible coincidence that he finds you on the exact same day as our wedding day! What were the odds"? Tigress exclaims.
"I must defeat him alone and alone only". Antelope heroicly says, even though he has the five on his side. However it's likely that they will be overwhelmed by the evil minions anyway so there's no point of bringing it up.
ONE OVER THE TOP NEEDLESSLY COMPLICATED FIGHT LATER...
"I have won". Antelope exclaims as he stand on top the evil villain.
"Congratulations Antelope". Shifu smiles. "For this heroic deed you shall be known as the celestial pheonix as well as the dragon warrior".
"Wow. Thank you master Shifu".
Bottom line, Antelope and Tigress got married and had something like a hundred hybrid children. Antelope becomes the most powerful being to ever exist in the history of forever.
The End.
Yinshen just closed the book once she had finished with it. There were no words for the strange tale she had just read. Part of her wanted to rip it up like she had the previous book. However she just dropped it on the ground.
"So. What did you think"? Mike asked, breaking the painfully awkward silence.
Instead of saying anything, Yinshen just walked away, not daring to turn back in the direction of the book.
"So I take it you don't want to see the sequel where he marries Viper, Song and all other well known kung fu masters despite their age difference and the fact that marrying an already married couple would end up shaming themselves and their families for all of time"?
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"Guess not". Mike looked down at the book and picked it up. "Well, no point wasting fuel I guess". Mike smirked before heading over to the Jade palace barrack with the urge to cook something.
...
Hey guys. Now before I get roasted for this story I'd just like to say that it is a story that I wrote for amusement and fun. It does not mean to offend any story writers in general. This was an idea I got after reading some several stories that pretty much had the same plot and over the top OCs. Please don't take it seriously as I have also made several mistakes myself in my own stories that are mentioned, so I'm not putting myself on top here. Anyway I hope you guys enjoyed this little humorous story. I probably could have gone over several more traits but I don't want to make this a thing. Just something done for fun like I mentioned before. Thanks for reading and Cheerio!