The Love You Crave In The Dark
Summary: This dark shadow touching her…biting her…claiming her as his, can't be Jacob and this shamelessness creature moaning in his arms couldn't be Bella. They were just to shapes, two shadows, merging together in the darkness. In the daylight, she would be Bella again, Edward's girlfriend and Jacob would go back to being just her best friend. Until the next time the craving hit.
"To crave and to have are as alike as a thing and its shadow. For when does a berry break upon the tongue as sweetly as when one longs to taste it, and when is the taste refracted into so many hues and savors of ripeness and earth, and when do our senses know anything so utterly as when we lack it? And here again is a foreshadowing - the world will be made whole. For to wish for a hand on one's hair is all but to feel it. So whatever we may lose, very craving gives it back to us again."
― Marilynne Robinson, Housekeeping
She thinks that because it's dark that it makes what she's doing acceptable and that the shadows will hide her.
They don't.
Yet, for some reason, she always comes back, despite the nauseous feeling that threatens to devour her with every step she takes.
She pauses outside of his bedroom window, not surprised to see it wide open. He always leaves the window open for her and she always leaves her window open for Edward.
It sickens her sometimes how alike they are.
She climbs in through his bedroom window and she knows that even in this blinding darkness, he'll see her.
He always sees her.
She can feel his eyes trailing over her and stays silent. They don't speak in the dark.
Because if they speak, then it'll become real.
And if it becomes real, then it will have to end.
Before she can form another thought, he's on her. His teeth nipping at her neck, leaving his mark in a place that she'll have trouble hiding tomorrow.
His fingers creep down her shoulders, hot- scorching- and she can feel his chest pressed against her back, rising and falling with each breath he takes.
He makes her moan, from pleasure or pain, she's not sure. But her fingers tangle themselves in his hair and she pulls him closer.
When she thinks of Jacob, she thinks of warmth, smiles, friendship, safety, and light as bright as the sun.
This dark shadow touching her…biting her…claiming her as his, can't be Jacob and this shamelessness creature moaning in his arms couldn't be Bella.
They were just to shapes, two shadows, merging together in the darkness.
In the daylight, she would be Bella again, Edward's girlfriend and Jacob would go back to being just her best friend...until the next time the craving hit.
A whimper breaks free as his teeth bite harder into the soft skin of her throat.
Part of her delights in the pain. Because it shouldn't just be pleasure. What she's doing is wrong and the pain takes the guilt away. She can feel his lips curl against her skin, as if he can read her thoughts.
He pulls away, his hands tugging her shirt over her head and she kicks of her shoes, before he pushes her pants down to floor.
She reaches behind her back and unsnaps her bra, then she runs her hands over his body, knowing him in a way that she would never admit to in the daylight.
His hands, his mouth, is everywhere but not the one place she wants it to be the most.
She reaches for his edge of his boxers but he grabs her hands and pins them to her sides.
With her hands pinned down, and his with them, he uses his mouth to taste her skin.
Kissing, licking, biting, until she's a complete mess.
If she could speak, she would beg. But she can't speak, she can only moan and whimper.
Don't say a word
He plays her body like an instrument, and he's playing his favorite song.
How long is he going to tease her?
How long is he going to let her ache?
He leaves little marks all over her body; her neck, her breast, her thighs…
A gasp escapes her as his tongue finds her center through her panties.
He lets go of her wrist and shoves her down onto his bed. His hands grab her waist and he holds her steady as he torments her through the cloth.
Her mouth opens, words rising to the surface, but she drowns them out with her moans.
Don't speak.
Don't say it.
Don't…
He moves her panties to the side and bites down on her clit.
She cries out and he sinks his nails into her skin, a warning for her to keep her mouth shut.
She made the rules, so she has no right to break them now.
It wasn't always like this.
She can still remember the first time like it was yesterday.
Jacob and Bella were sitting on the steps of the movie theater. Jacob had his arm wrapped around her shoulder and she had her face buried in his neck, when Mike stumbled out of the bathroom, his face grey and covered in sweat.
He looked horrible.
"Oh no," she gasped, pulling away from Jacob and standing up.
"I don't feel so good," Mike moaned, wrapping his arm around his stomach and leaning against the wall.
"Do you want to leave early?" Bella asked, and Mike shook his head.
"I called my mom," he said, "She should be here soon. You two go finish the movie,"
Bella opened her mouth to protest but Jacob grabbed her hand.
"Thanks Mike but we'll wait here with you until your mom comes," he said, and Bella gave him a grateful smile.
"Why didn't you tell us you were sick?" Bella asked, and Mike shrugged.
"I didn't want to miss our date," he started coughing and Bella instantly felt guilty. "But I started feeling nauseated before the lights went down,"
"You should've told us. We could have come another time,"
Mike said nothing and they stood in silence, Jacob holding Bella's hand until Mrs. Newton pulled up.
She gushed over Mike, pushing him into the back seat and gave Bella and Jacob money to see another movie.
"I'll call you later to let you know how he's doing," Mrs. Newton said, before pulling off.
Bella looked down at the money in her hand and decided to let Jacob pick the second movie.
Bella paid for the tickets, not even asking what the movie was about and found herself watching an R rated movie that had her squirming in her seat as a poison-injected professional hitman proposed having sex with his girlfriend on the pavement of a crowded street, in front of a crowd of onlookers, in order to keep his heart pumping.
"Take me right here in front of everyone…Come on, get it up!"
Jacob's eyes widened, as the man forcefully placed her over a newspaper vending machine and took her from behind.
"I'm alive!"
Jacob laughed, and grabbed some popcorn from Bella's lap.
"What a rush, right?" he joked, and Bella's mind whirled.
"Don't even think about it!" Edward's voice growled in her ear and Bella turned to look at the empty seat beside her.
"You alright, Bells?" Jacob asked, and Bella looked at him through the eyes of an addict searching for her next high.
"I'm fine," she muttered, trying shake the idea out of her mind.
"Okay," Jacob said, and he tried to engage Bella in conversation for the rest of the movie.
But Bella's mind was somewhere else and, minutes after they left the theater, she had him pressed up against a wall in a dark alley.
It was so dark that she could barely see her hands in front of her face.
Which was perfect for what she was about to do.
Too much light would make her second guess herself.
Her lips on his as her hands fumbled with their clothing.
"What are you doing?" he asked, when she pulled away.
"No talking," Bella mumbled, trying to listen hear Edward's voice, pulling at his jeans.
"Bella, you can't do this,"it said.
"Watch me," Bella told the voice.
"Wha-?" Jacob started and Bella kissed him again.
It was like a dream, all sweating hands, panting, a little pain, and pleasure. She was glad that she couldn't see his face in the dark. He was just a shadow. He wasn't real. If they didn't talk about it, then it wasn't real. If they didn't talk about it, then it didn't happen.
She walked out of the alley, her shadow trailing behind her.
Once they were in the light of the street, Bella blinked and Jacob stepped out of the shadows to join her.
It would've been easy to dismiss as a fantasy.
The only evidence was the untidy state of their clothing, the ache between her legs, and the teeth marks on her skin.
He lapped at the spot he had bitten, soothing it with his tongue before pulling away, and spreading deeper into the darkness.
She knew what was coming next.
She felt him at her entrance and he paused, waiting for her to protest or push him away.
They counted down together.
10…
His lips go to her nipple, and it hardens swiftly with a few strokes of his tongue, sending a delicious feeling of fire and electricity to the pit of her stomach.
9…..
He sinks his teeth into the sensitive nub after a moment, and it makes her hips rise off the bed, a drum pounding between her legs.
8….
A moan catches in her throat as his teeth sink in deep enough to draw blood.
7…
There's pleasure wrapped around the pain, and it only serves to make it more beautiful and the beauty of the darkness brings tears to her eyes and make her back arch even higher off the bed.
6…..
Her nails dig into his shoulders, and she's not sure whether she should push him away or pull him closer.
5….
His fingers trail their way down to her stomach before he claws at her, pawing panties and tearing them to shreds.
4…
His fingers force themselves inside her, and she screams as his fingers twist inside her, increasing the pleasure and lessening the pain.
3..
She lets out a sob, twisting in the sheets, teeth sinking into her lower lip, to keep from begging.
2.
Mine, he traces the words into her skin with his nail as he leans in to kiss her neck, sucking on the place where her pulse was racing, before moving down to where he neck and shoulder met. His teeth sinking deeper in the juncture, making the pain rise just as high as the pleasure, before thrusting into her roughly.
A broken gasp breaks free, and then he's thrusting into her with all his might. She winces a little; it hurts…it feels good…it hurts…it feels amazing.
It's an agonizing pleasure that only the darkness could offer.
He slows down a little, and she can tell that he doesn't want to hurt her, but she bites down, viciously, on his shoulder warning him not to be gentle.
It had to hurt.
It was the only way she could do this.
He growls, low in his throat, pushing himself forward, resting his hands on the wall above her head, thrusting in her as hard as he can, giving her what she asked for. She wraps her legs around him, pushing herself into each thrust to make them harder.
Hurt me, she wants to beg.
Scare me
Break me
Make This Real
The second time it happened was during a power outage. Maybe she should've stopped it but his hand was already unbuttoning her shirt and his mouth was already sucking on her neck.
The darkness made it feel like an illusion and if it wasn't real, it wasn't wrong.
It started happening more frequently, anytime the light went out. In the alley, where anyone could walk by and catch them. In the movie theater bathroom, the door locked and the lights off. In a cave they found while hiking, rocks digging to her back and hiding behind a boulder so the light from the cave's entrance couldn't reach them. In the backseat of the rabbit, a blanket throw over the top, covering the windows. In the dark corner at the back of the library, praying the librarian doesn't catch them. In the backseat of Charlie's police car one night while he's inside talking to Billy, pleasure dominating the guilt.
It was like an addiction…A Dark Craving.
They could become shadows with just the flick of a switch.
It was something she never had to worry about losing…. until—
"Why?" Bella asked her ceiling. "Why does everyone I lo…care about leave me?"
Bella's thoughts started spiraling down a really depressing path, when a rock hit her window.
Bella cautiously got up to look out her window and found Jacob standing in her yard.
"What are you doing here?"
"I'm keeping my promise," he growled and then he did some really cool acrobatics and swung himself into her room.
"Bella, let me explain—" he started, reaching for her, and Bella held out a hand to stop him.
"Why are you here?" she asked, "I thought you were done with me, remember? It's not you, it's me?"
"Bella, I…"
"You what? You're sorry?"
"Yes, I'm sorry. I broke my promise not to hurt you…but you hurt me first!" he shook his head, "Never mind, I just need you to understand…even if you don't want to see me anymore when you find out—"
"What?"
He tried to speak but all that came out was a gasp for air. Bella looked concerned and started beating on his back.
"What's wrong? Are you choking?" Bella panicked.
"I can't do this," Jacob sighed.
"Yes, you can. We'll do this together," Bella paused, thinking. "We…we can leave. Let's just get out of here. Just you and me."
Jacob looked at her, hope shining in those dark eyes.
"You would do that?" he asked, and Bella nodded.
"I would do it for you,"
Jacob smiled, then a look of hopelessness overtook his features.
"It's not something I can run away from," he muttered, then let out a regretful sigh, "But I would…run away…with you…if I could."
Bella felt a warm feeling in her chest, where that aching hole had been.
"Can you tell me anything?" she asked and Jacob shook his head.
"I can't…" he paused, "Wait…I already…. I already told you!" he exclaimed and then they both winced, listening for Charlie.
"I already told you," he said quieter, "I told you so you can guess,"
"Guess what?" she questioned.
"It was the day I ran into you at the beach. I told you those stories about—" he gasped and grabbed his throat, "About—"
It was painful for Bella to watch him struggle to breathe as he tried to refresh her memory.
"About the cold ones," Bella blurted, and Jacob nodded, breathing deeply.
"But you said it was just a legend." Bella pointed out and Jacob gave her a look.
"Was it really just a legend?" he asked, raising an eyebrow and Bella frowned, not answering.
"Okay, then." He said, "What else did I say?"
"I don't know," Bella admitted and Jacob growled at her.
"Try!" he snapped.
"I am!" she said.
"Try harder, Damnit!"
"Stop yelling at me!" Bella demanded, "You have to give me more than that."
"I can't!" Jacob threw up his hands, frustrated.
"Can't you just show me?" Bella asked and Jacob shook his head.
"Too dangerous," he said quickly.
"Please?" she begged.
"No," he said, firmly. "Now try to remember."
"I don't remember," Bella whined, tired, "Can we try again in the morning? After I've had a little sleep."
"Tomorrow might be too late," he muttered.
"Wha-?" Bella started, but he grabbed her wrist and pulled her towards him, tugging her into a kiss.
Bella's eyes went wide, all thoughts of sleep slipping out of her head, as she felt his lips brush hers.
She closed her eyes and fell into the kiss. It was different with the light on. It was soft and sweet and Jacob, so much Jacob, that it brought tears to her eyes.
She felt something hot and soft brush her lips and she let Jacob's tongue in, moaning deep in her throat because it felt so good.
She felt Jacob shudder when she moaned and he kissed her harder and more desperately. Bella was trembling when Jacob laid her down on the bed, her lips swollen and her core aching. Jacob planted hot kisses down her neck, sucking and nibbling and making Bella's back arch as she fought back moans, remembering Charlie sleeping in the other room.
"The lights," Bella begged, and Jacob froze,
"Bella?"
"Turn off the lights," she ordered, "Please,"
Jacob hesitated, pain covering his face, before he moved away from her. Taking the time to turn out each of her lamps and close her curtains, so no light could sneak in.
Once, she couldn't see him then he crawled back onto the bed and her skin tingled in anticipation.
Her breath came fast and loud as their bodies rolled over each other, as, slick with sweat, grasping, thrusting, clutching until they lost all separateness and couldn't tell where she ended and he began.
He thrust inside her, hard and it hurt…then she saw white bursts of light, the only light in the darkness.
"Please, remember, Bella," he whispered, slipping out of bed and Bella lifted her head to watch, reaching to turn back on her lamp, just in time to see Jacob jump out of her window.
She gasped and rushed over to see if he was okay, and watched him run into the woods. She got back in bed and closed her eyes, slipping into a dream.
He finally pulls his teeth out of her neck and Bella knows that no amount of makeup will cover that. He licks at the wound, his hips still grinding into hers.
She can feel his bed trembling beneath her and wonders which will break first, her or the bed.
He groans and shows no sign of being done. Bella's close. She can feel herself on the edge again but she needs that final push.
She needs him to take her to that place where none of this matters.
After Edward came back, things changed. She thought that she could stop. Edward was back so the need for a rush should've faded.
But it didn't.
She thought that they could be friends. She thought that they could put their…whatever it was behind them.
He didn't even try to seduce her; the darkness did all the work for him. On the beach, far away from the light on the bonfire, her naked back on the wet sand and his mouth on hers.
In the morning she was ashamed of herself, unable to look him in the eye as she held Edward's hand. But he had no problem acting as if nothing was going on.
They hang out, laugh, joke, and act like the best friends they are. She helps him with his homework, he takes her out for a ride on his bike. Just like old times.
Edward lingering in the background, not knowing that shameful thoughts that go through her head every time Jacob's hand brushes hers. She pushed it down though. Because in the daylight she was Edward.
But at night she was hungry.
Jacob picked her up to take her to see a movie and, on a road with no street lights, she shoved off her jeans and Jacob's hand found its way into her underwear driving in and out with violence.
All traced of tenderness, that she used to expect, gone.
He didn't want to make love to her under the stars.
He wanted to fuck her like a stranger…and she was okay with that.
He fucked her outside, against his car, one hand on the window, the other shoved in her hair.
Then, when it was over, his pants came back up, her jeans were shoved into her arms and he started the car, heading to the movie so they could catch the next showing.
They didn't speak for the rest of the night.
He leans down and bites the shell of her ear.
Bella moans and he growls, then pulled out.
Bella whines, she was so close, and he's denying her.
Why? She wants to cry but her lips stay stubbornly sealed.
He taps her side twice and Bella got the hint. She knew what he wanted.
She gets in position, on her hands and knees, and he enters her from behind in one quick move.
He smoother his hand over her ass and Bella braces herself. He places one hand on the wall and starts moving, bring down his hand to slap her on her bottom.
Bella's back arched, a cry escaping her lips, and her fingers fisting the sheets.
It hurt…
But she wanted more.
She wanted the sting, she wanted her slate to be clean, but she didn't want to give up the thing that was tainting it.
The pain had to be enough to balance it out but it felt too good to be fair, as she shamelessly wiggled her ass for another.
He didn't give her what she wanted though.
"Who do you belong to?" He asked, the first words he'd said to her all night, and Bella bites her lip.
She doesn't know the answer to that question.
Her soul belongs to Edward and so does her half of her heart.
And the other half belongs to Jacob.
But her body…her body belongs to the shadows.
Belongs to him.
"No talking, remember?" she says and he slaps her ass again.
"Who…do…you…belong…to?" He grunts, as he regains his agonizingly pleasurable rhythm, and when the next strike comes she's gone.
They were in her bedroom, with the lights out, and both their shirts were missing. Bella tugged at his jeans, her hands desperate, when suddenly his become motionless. She was kissing him, harshly but he wasn't kissing back. Bella paused, unsure what was wrong, and when she stopped trying to undress him, he moved his hands up to cup her cheeks and kissed her softly.
Like she was his girlfriend or something.
Not like two strangers about to fuck in the dark.
They never went slow, never took the time to enjoy each other, be gentle…not since Edward came back.
Bella pushed at his chest until he stopped kissing her.
He took a deep breath.
"I want to tell you something. And you already know it . . . but I think I should say it out loud anyway. Just so there's never any confusion on the subject." He said, and Bella flinched.
"Shhh," she hissed, it was still too dark and she couldn't see him. "No talking,"
Suddenly the lights switched on and Bella covered her eyes against the sudden brightness before her eyes adjusted. Jacob stood in front of her, shirtless with his arms crossed, eyebrows pulled down, throwing his deep-set eyes into shadow. They were pitch black as they bored into hers.
"I'm in love with you, Bella," Jacob said in a strong, sure voice. "Bella, I love you. And I want you to pick me instead of him."
Bella froze. What was he doing? This wasn't supposed to be real. Didn't he understand? He was just a shadow. He wasn't real. If they didn't talk about it, then it wasn't real. If they didn't talk about it, then it didn't happen.
"Did you hear me?" he asked, when she didn't say anything. "I said, I lov-" he started and Bella covered his mouth with her hands.
"Don't say that!" Bella exclaimed, her head spinning.
"Why not?" Jacob demanded, "Why is it okay for me to fuck you but not okay for me to love you?"
"Because…because this doesn't mean anything," Bella blurted and Jacob placed her hand on his chest, directly over his heart.
"You feel something for me, Bella. You just won't admit it," He declared, "Why else would you let me do this?"
Then he kissed her, hard. Pushing all his feelings into her. Bella's eyes drifted shut and she responded instinctively. Then her eyes sprang open when she realized something.
The lights were still on.
She shoved Jacob away, wiping her mouth, and before he could say anything she punched him in the face.
Jacob gave her a wounded look.
"I don't understand." He stated, moving away from her, "Why would you…if it didn't mean anything?"
Bella forced herself to shrug.
"When it's dark, it could be anyone." she said before she could stop herself, and Jacob turned away from her.
"Oh," he muttered.
Bella stared at him, feeling guilty.
"Jacob, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that. I just… Jake, I love you, but I'm not in love with you." Bella stumbled over her words. "This is just-"
"It's fine, Bella," Jacob cut her off, no emotion in his voice. "Let's just…let me turn the light off,"
Bella wanted to say more, but there was no possible way she could explain herself to him.
"Was I your first?" Jacob abruptly asked, hand on the light switch, and Bella cringed.
"What?"
"Was I the first guy you ever…?" Jacob asked, and Bella hesitantly nodded. "And it doesn't mean anything?"
Bella looked down.
"It doesn't mean to me, what it means to you," Bella said, and Jacob sighed, pulling his hand away from the light.
"I really think I'd better go home now," Jacob said, defeated.
Bella hesitated to let him go.
"I do care for you Jacob," she admitted, and Jacob gave her a small smile.
"I know," he said, and then he left.
That was the last time he ever tried to talk to her about what they did together…until tonight.
Bella cried out again and the slaps came quicker, the thrusts more forceful.
"Bella," he barks, "Who does this belong to?"
More slaps follow, and the bed was hitting the wall in time with each thrust. Bella was vibrating, so close to reaching paradise that she could almost taste it.
"Who does your body belong to?" he growls and her toes curl, her lip was bleeding from her teeth.
"You!" Bella cries out, and he stops moving.
Bella tries to thrust backward, but he held her still.
"Say my name, Bella" he orders, "Tell who you belong to!"
What is he doing? This isn't supposed to be real. Doesn't he understand? This can't be real. This can't mean anything.
"Say my name, Bella!"
She shakes her head, frantically. She can't. she won't.
"Who has your heart? Who do you think about before you go to bed at night? Who do you love, Bella? Tell me!" he orders, and the dam breaks.
"Jacob!" Bella screams, and that was all he needed but she can't stop. "Jacob, Jacob, Jacob, Jacob…"
Jacob starts moving again, and each smack came down harder.
"Mine!" he growls, "You're fucking Mine!"
Bella's body seizes up as she explodes into a thousand pieces, electricity going throughout her core. She tightens around him, but Jacob doesn't slow down, gripping her hips so tightly that there would be angry bruises there tomorrow, pulling her back against him.
"I'm going to fucking ruin you!" Jacob howls finally able to say what he wanted, "Make sure that everyone knows you're mine. No one else's. Just me. Because I fucking love you!"
Jacob slams into her a few more times before he finally reaches his climax. He rolls to the side, so his weight won't crush her, and Bella lay face down on the bed, panting.
"That was.." she starts, and Jacob shushes her, getting up to turn on the lights.
"You love me," Jacob smirks, and Bella lifts her head to look at him.
"I don-" she starts to protest but Jacob laughs.
"You say you don't but every time we do this you say something else," he grins.
Bella frowns, trying to remember if she ever said something other than tonight.
"When ever you..." Jacob makes a weird motion with his hand and Bella blushes, "You tell me you love me,"
Bella opens her mouth to say something but can't.
"Anyway," Jacob says, picking up her clothes off the floor. "You better get home before someone notices you're gone, right?"
Bella is still frozen, with her mouth hanging open, and Jacob closes it with two fingers.
"It's okay," he says, pressing his lips to hers, and there's no darkness to disguise this.
It's just him and her. Bella can feel herself shaking.
"Shh," Jacob mumbles, pulling away, "It's okay,"
Bella leans up, pressing her lips against his again. It feels different in the light. It's real now...but it had been real long before that, even if she didn't want to admit it.
She looks at him, really seeing him for the first time.
"What's so bad about the light?" he asks, pushing her clothes into her arms.
"It makes things real," Bella says softly, "And this can't be real. It's just a craving,"
He lets out a long breath, closing his eyes for a moment.
"Bella, you've said 'I love you," every time we've had sex, not counting the first time," he states, and Bella closes her eyes. "Open your eyes,"
She hesitantly opens them and Jacob smiles.
"I love you too," he says and Bella hates herself for the way her heart leaps.
"Turn off the lights," she blurts and Jacob shakes his head.
"Never," he states, "If we do this then we do this with the lights on or we don't do it at all,"
Bella gets up and starts putting on clothes, her hands shaking.
"I'm with Edward," she says.
"I know," he says.
"I'm going to become a vampire after graduation," she adds.
"I know," he repeats.
"I-I'm older than you," she throws out.
"I know," he says again.
"I-I-I love you," she admits, dropping her shirt.
"I know," Jacob smiles, and holds his arms open, "Come here,"
Bella goes to him and they make love.
And this time, they do it with the lights on.
Author's note: Was bored and A little stuck on my stories. I'll be updating them soon. This was just a little bit of fun. Let me know what you think and if enough people like it I'll stretch it out and make it a multi chapter and flesh it out a little more...or I could leave it as it is. Your choice.
Thanks to everyone who reads my stories. I love you guys!