I'm dying to catch my breath
Oh why don't I ever learn
I've lost all my trust though I've surely tried
To turn it around

I let out a sigh. I don't know what to say or do anymore. Looks like I've just ruined the closest thing to a healthy relationship I've ever had. Again. Very clever of me. But what can I do? I've tried and I've tried, but still I do worry about what other people think will think of me. Or rather what they are thinking of me. We've just made a show out of ourselves. Why can't she just understand how difficult this is for me? It's not about reputation – it's about the fact that my closest friends now will see me like I was some sort of alien creature. They won't understand it. Well, not even I understand myself!

Don't tear me down
For all I need
Make my heart a better place
Give me something I can believe

With all those thoughts running through my head, I hurry home. She must already be packing up her stuff, just like the last time, when I almost kicked her out of my life because of my fears. Stupid fears! I have to talk to her. I almost lost her once; I can't afford to lose her again. She's made me feel something I never thought I'd feel again – happiness, protection, love. I push the door open and race upstairs, thinking of what I could say to make her stay.


Don't tear me down
You've opened the door now
Don't let it close

How can you do this to me? This phrase echoes in my mind as I wipe my tears and continue packing. Maybe it was a mistake to stay there in the first place. She's clearly not ready. No, she doesn't want to be ready. She's been making up all sorts of excuses since we started. Sighing harshly, I throw one more top into my suitcase. Well, soon she won't have to worry about me anymore. I'll be out of her life in a few minutes. God, how I wish she cared more about my feelings and less about everyone else's!


I'm here on the edge again
I wish I could let it go
I know that I'm only one step away
From turning around

If only she accepted it for once and for all! But no, she won't. I've been there before; it's time for me to move on. I scan the room, checking that I haven't forgotten anything. Actually, I'm just giving her some leeway. Yes, deep down I'm still a naïve, romantic idiot who hopes she'll turn up here and fight for us.


Don't tear it down
What's left of me
Make my heart a better place

My heart is going to slip out of my mouth. I have to stop her. Tripping over the steps several times, I make my way upstairs, breathlessly.

"Robin, wait!" I call as I open her bedroom door.

This time, she doesn't turn to look at me. She just zips her suitcase. Blood freezes in my veins. Am I too late? In an impulse, I hold her shoulder, forcing her to turn around and face me.

"I'm leaving. You've made it very clear; you're unable to take our relationship seriously"


I've tried many times but nothing was real
Make it fade away
Don't break me down

Now it's my turn to speak. I have to be honest and tell her all that's on my mind. But where to begin? Take a deep breath.

"I'm sorry, Robin. But this… this is just too much for me. I've been going through so many changes lately… it's a lot to take" I bite my lip a little "I don't think I'm ready for this all – coming out to all my friends and neighbors… defining myself. It's really too much. Especially when I'm not even sure"

"Not even sure about what?" she asks, one hand on her perfect hips while the other holds the suitcase.

"First of all, I'm not sure what I am. All these feelings I've been having for you are something completely new for me. I don't think I'm ready to take one side. Apart from that… I'm scared. I'm starting a new relationship in a very fragile moment in my life. I can't have my heart broken once more"


I want to believe that this is for real
Save me from my fear
Don't tear me down

There's a lump in my throat. How can she say that?

"Why didn't you say this before? Katherine, I'd never hurt you" I say softly, feeling that ache in my eyes that can only mean one thing "I've been used and abused many times, too. Trust me; I know what it's like. Putting someone through that is the last thing I'd do"

"Intentions are not everything" she responds weakly "There are so many things that can go wrong in a relationship without anyone wanting it… I don't think I could deal with that again"

"Honey, you won't have to" my voice is already cracking "I won't let that happen. What can I do to show you that my feelings are real? That I have no ulterior motives for what I'm doing? That the only thing I want is to make you happy?"

"No, Robin, that's not it…" she sighs.

"Then what are you so afraid of?"

"I'm afraid of myself… of being the one who ruins it" her eyes are already wet "I don't want to be the one who drives you away; although it seems that my confusion is already doing that job for me"

"It's ok to be confused, I understand that. What I don't understand is why you keep pushing me away just because of what everyone else will think. I mean, what does it matter? Seriously, Katherine, there are times when I think you just see me as some kind of fuckbuddy"

She gasps. I've shocked her.

"You're not a fuckbuddy!"

"Good. Because this relationship means a lot to me. I need to know that you feel the same way about it"

"Of course I do!" her voice softens "And I might care a lot about people's opinion… but I care much more about you. You are the only one that matters to me, Robin"


Make my heart a better place
Make my heart a better place

Hearing those words, the blonde smiled between her tears. Letting go of her suitcase, she pulled the older woman closer to herself and placed her lips on hers. Katherine's heart jumped, relieved. For a moment, nothing else mattered. Everything seemed very far away – her confusion, her anxieties, the dark days in the loony bin, the judging looks… She knew all she needed was in her arms at that moment, and it was there to stay.

All my agony fades away
When you hold me in your embrace

The End.