Authors Note: So, how did James ever get Lily to go out with him? And whose 'eyes are as brown as a brown painted boat?' This proves that the lack of poetry skills is hereditary.
Oh, and only the new poems are mine, the rest is JKR's.
A Total Buffoon
James Potter was sitting at the desk of his dormitory, writing the letter that he just knew would change his life forever. It was to Lily Evans.
Dear Lily,
Your hair is as red as Gryffindor's coat of arms,Your eyes two cauldrons of potion,
I know that in the end, I won't be just your friend,
So lets just set this thing in motion!
Will you go to Hogsmeade with me this weekend?
JP
Who would've thought? James Potter writing poetry! If Sirius found ever found out...
He tied the letter to his owl, Demosthenes' leg (he didn't name it), and sent it through the open window.
James was absolutely certain that it was the best thing he'd ever written. Lily would agree for sure.
The next morning at breakfast, James received Lily's reply. It was in a scarlet envelope. He leaned forward to pick it up, but caught himself.
Scarlet? But it couldn't be. Not a-a
howler! But I was sure she'd love it! James whined silently."Look! Potter's got himself a howler!" one of the nearby Gryffindors said, pointing at the now lightly smoking letter.
"Prongs, what did you do?" Sirius asked incredulously. "And why didn't you include me?" Padfoot mocked a hurt face.
"Er, James," Wormtail said cautiously, "shouldn't you open it?"
Of course, he was right. James was just too shocked at the obvious rejection that he hardly noticed that the envelope was emitting large puffs of multicolor smoke. First red, then blue, then yellow, then green, then red again.
And then...
The explosion was deafening. By far the loudest thing many of the nearby students had ever heard. The only person who seemed completely unaffected, was Lily, who was buttering her toast with a rather smug look on her face.
The seemingly hundred times magnified voice shook the entire Gryffindor table. In actuality, this was just bad luck. You see, James' only experience with a howler, and his son's after him, happened to be from the two senders who actually could yell that loud.
"A POEM!?" Lily's voice rang through the hall, "YOU SEND ME A BLOODY POEM? JUST SO YOU KNOW POTTER, THAT REALLY WAS HORRIBLE.
"BUT IF YOU INSIST ON A POEM...I GUESS YOU DESERVE SOME POETIC JUSTICE, DON'T YOU THINK? AHEM,
"His hair, look at it, it is all quite a mess,and blacker than blood by the moon,
Can't get it through his head, that I wish he were dead,
He's really a total buffoon!
"NOW THAT'S A POEM!"
The hall burst out laughing as the howler's echoes faded. Even the other Marauders had joined in. Actually, the better phrase would be, 'Even Remus and Peter had joined in.' Sirius had been laughing out loud since the thing exploded and was now banging his head on the table, crying in mirth.
"Buffoon! Oh that was classic, Evans." He said once his laughter had died out, which took quite a while.
"What did you do?" asked Remus.
"Wrote her a poem." James mumbled back.
Sirius snorted. "Honestly, there are other Kappas in the pond..."
"Lily is not a Japanese water demon!" James hissed at his friend.
"MONGOLIAN!" Came a roar from the Slytherin table. All heads swiveled to see Severus Snape, who was now on his feet and staring icily toward the Gryffindors.
"What was that, Snivellus?" Sirius called.
"The kappa is more commonly found in Mongolia!" Snape shouted.
Lily turned toward Snape. "What are you talking about?"
"Yeah, it's a Japanese water demon. Says so in Fantastic Beasts." Lupin said, looking quizzically across the hall.
"And it conveniently also underlines the word 'Japanese' and says that 'Snape hasn't read this either,'" Sirius called back to Snape.
"You're all wrong!" called Snape, pointing at the Gryffindors. "All of you! Your all just incompetent Gryffindors! I know it!"
"Right," said Sirius skeptically. "Back to the matter at hand, what possessed you to write her a poem? I mean, maybe a letter, but a poem? What did it say anyway?"
James explained his poem to his friends.
"Well," said Sirius, his hand on his chin and a thoughtful look on his face, "there's only one thing to do."
"What?" asked Peter.
"Write her another one."
James did in fact write her another one. He personally though it was much better than his first. It went:
Dear Lily,
Her eyes are as green as the Slytherin coat,Hair is as red as a fire,
No matter what she say, I just can't look away,
I say anything else I'm a liar!
Please? Just this once?
- James Potter
Her reply was short, and he received it that night.
Fine, Potter. But you better not go saying that you 'got yourself a girlfriend'. I'm only doing this to spare myself from your poor writing ability. This will not lead to anything!
- Lily Evans
Of course, we all know that it didn't lead to anything.
A/N: Next chapter is Ron/Luna.