Disclaimer: Oh snap, you guys! Lots of stuff has changed on since I've been on hiatus. I'm even experimenting with a new writing style, oooooh. Huh? You think I might own ViCTORiOUS now? Nah, I still don't. Some things never change. Have I said that before? Okay, now I know it's been too long.
You know who's calling you. You know that there's an inevitable hug coming, and you know the way you have to react for things to be right.
The two of you haven't told anyone that you're dating yet. Quite frankly, you're not even sure if she was planning to at all. But everyone knows. They're just polite to her bubbly nature.
You'd yell it from rooftops if she'd let you.
'
Nobody really tries to hold your attention besides Cat. They know better. Cat still tries to get you to interact with people, and you can never really get why she does. But you try to pay a little more attention each time you feel Cat's subtle tug. She does that to you somehow, she brings you back with just a gentle touch.
'
You were the one that asked her to be your girlfriend.
'
You're the one responsible for dragging the both of you into an empty classroom when you know that you should probably go to third period. Cat protests at first, feigning that she doesn't know what's going to happen. Today she even jokingly throws in that you might need to actually learn something once in a while.
Ouch. That makes you feel bad. It's one of the unspoken things that you're worried about. But you know that Cat's only playing a game, she's just teasing you. One of you has to; you can't both come off as hormone-driven teenagers, right?
She doesn't know that she's inadvertently opening old wounds and paper cutting her way around your heart.
You're not mad, she doesn't mean to.
She doesn't even know she does it.
'
They're just paper cuts, you tell yourself.
They sting a little. They don't hurt, scar, or bleed.
'
Cat tells you all the time, how much she loves you. She tells you how much she misses you, how she thinks you're great and that everyone underestimates you.
'
Sometimes you don't feel it, what she's saying. It's been a while since you have, now that you think about it.
'
She asks you to go shopping with her because you got her tickets to see her idol and she has to look her best.
You go with her even though you hate shopping and her reason for going makes you jealous.
"Does this look okay?" Cat asks you, smiling because she knows you like it when she tries on clothes. It makes you feel a little better, and she likes it even though she doesn't know why you were grumpy to begin with.
The sales man kills your mood. He compliments her and kind of flirts with her and he just rubs you in all the wrong ways. Cat's a natural flirt so she responds to him in a way that you hate when he asks if she's looking to impress someone.
Now you're even grumpier than before. Cat doesn't seem to notice, and it makes you feel worse.
'
She's the opposite of you; you never thought you'd like someone like that.
You have some things in common, but at the same time you're polar opposites.
She's kind and gentle and caring and almost sickly sweet. You're pessimistic and cynical and rude and insecure.
You could never understand why she said yes so happily; you got the better half of that deal.
'
Cat's gushing about her idol to one of her friends again. It's only when you hear her mention that you're similar that you start paying proper attention to their conversation.
"Don't you see it?" Cat asks her friend. You're not really paying attention to which one.
Her friend squints and nods slightly. "Kind of, they have the same mysterious nonchalant thing going on with them."
"And the hair!" Cat throws in, parting your hair in the opposite direction and fluffing it up a little.
You let her do what she wants even though you're getting irritated; you don't want to be compared to her idol. You're jealous and you don't like it, so you just sit there quietly rolling your eyes, trying to get it together while Cat's friend nods in agreement.
'
It's after a couple weeks that you snap. In a way, you credit yourself for lasting that long. In another, you hate yourself for not being able to rationalize.
Cat's friend is once again saying you're unlike her idol, and you just want them to let it drop. Today's concert night, and although Cat hasn't slept all night, she's still bouncing around like a spring.
"Jade smiles just like her, she just doesn't smile much." Cat's confident in her argument. It's true, you kind of do. But you don't smile that way for anyone but Cat, so nobody would know that.
Being not-Cat, Cat's friend argues in response. "No she doesn't, Jade doesn't smile at all."
'
It's much later, when Cat tries to jokingly push your face into a smile that you react, flinching away from her touch. "Excuse me, I need to go."
You make it about halfway down the next street over before she catches up to you.
"Jade, what's wrong, why are you mad?" She asks, her voice laced with concern.
You can't look at her. "I'm not."
"Yes you are, did I do something wrong?" Her voice has a little more fire to it. She's sad and worried, but determined to fix it. "What can I do?"
She thinks you're mad at her and that's why you won't look her way. In reality you're just trying to hold back from bursting into tears. You'd rather have her think that than start crying.
It's best to stay quiet, you know that. Generally you do, because you need time to think. But sometimes, like this time, you end up saying out loud what you won't admit to yourself.
"You hurt my feelings." You start, and everything comes rushing out. Every moment she's unintentionally made you feel bad, each time you've felt neglected because she just can't read you. How you think it's stupid because it's not her fault you feel that way, it's not her fault you're broken and stupid.
The way she looks at you makes you break. There are tears in her eyes and you know she feels sorry, and you can't help but feel terrible for making her stay with you. You do this to people. You bother them and irk them, or you hurt them.
It feels like you hurt them by existing. And with that thought, you know you have to go. There's no room for anybody to say anything, you just leave.
'
"Wait!"
The tone of her voice makes you stop dead in your tracks. You won't turn and face her or say anything, but you feel like she has the right to say something. It's her, so you bend your own rules.
You expect her voice to be soft and soothing as she always is, but what comes out is a bunch of yells. "I was picking out cute clothes because I wanted you to notice me!"
"You've been going on about how much I look like your idol." Your voice is as monotonous as you can manage.
Cat sighs and you can hear that she's right behind you. Her voice is soft again, more understanding. "She looks like you, not the other way around."
"But you said you like her, and that she's great in your trillion zillion ways." You twitch. "That you wanted to give anything to be her wife for a while."
"Tori's dating Andre! He's nothing like Beck is! Trina wants to marry Bradley Cooper, who could she go out with that's just like him?!"
There's a long silence that follows her outburst. Both of you know that's not what it's about.
She breaks the silence by closing the gap and hugging you tightly from behind. She knows it's too risky to try and make you face her. "I'm sorry for hurting your feelings because I didn't notice. But can you tell me what's really on your mind?"
"I asked you out." You're shaking, and she just holds you tighter, already ready to turn you in her arms. "I throw myself out there, a lot. Even though it doesn't seem like it, I guess. I told you that I wanted to touch you first. I do a lot of firsts. And you're so... whatever, that I never know if you like what we're doing, or you just go along for the ride. You never noticed when I started to feel bad."
Before you know it your face is buried in the crook of her neck and you're crying softly, the tears from all those times of feeling lonely are spilling out. Ever so faintly you can feel her silent tears drip onto you as a sorrowful apology.
'
You're both lying on your bed, her body curled into yours as sleep threatens to take over. Emotional moments take a lot out of you. Neither of you've said anything since then.
It's not quite clear. Is this a sad silence, or thoughtful one?
It gets late enough that you can see the moon through your window. You figure she's asleep, so you manage to whisper out what you didn't say before. "I loved you first."
"I love you too." Your body freezes when you hear her respond, ever so quietly. "I love you so much that I don't know what to do about it. You're not the only one that worries, okay? I'm sorry, I'm so sorry."
Her voice is cracking by the time she finishes talking, she must've spent the silence between you thinking about all the times you mentioned earlier. She must've made herself feel bad from realizing.
You hug her tightly to you as she cries, just as she did for you before.
You think about how much you hate everything, but mostly yourself. You think about how she was confused and struggling while you were bitter and upset. You think about how she's different, even when you feel your worst. You think about how she's worth it.
It makes you remember how much she's changed your world, and you bury your face in her hair as you whisper honest words straight from your heart.
"I love you so much, baby. It's okay; we're going to be okay."
A/N:
Was this odd? Maybe, maybe. It was influenced by multiple real factors.
And like all my other chapters, it's unedited/all errors are mine.
./nudges the review button into you. Oh no did I do that whoops...
But really, I'd appreciate it if you let me know what you think.
Might make a sequel for it you lads and ladies would like it, since this didn't end as cheery as I wanted it to.
p.s. If anybody cares about The Jade Phantom, I figured out what I'm doin' with Cat and I will.. start.. that soon.. I hope. Yes.