Summary: Moon light, winter nights, and heavy burdens.
Disclaimer: I don't own these characters.
She'd been gone too long. A simple step outside to get some fresh air had turned into an hour that she'd been missing from their home. Rick knew he had no cause for worry. She was capable of taking care of herself more than anyone he knew. Yet that didn't stop him from traveling the streets of Alexandria in purposeful strides going to her known hangouts. She wasn't at Glenn and Maggie's, Eric and Aaron's, or the constable's office.
He could see the watchtower sitting mighty above the community. An orange flame of a candle flickered across the window. The quick visage of her shadow followed. The snow that began to fall marred his vision as he opened the front gate. Tobin asked him where he was going, but he walked past silently; finding no cause to answer. He stopped at bottom step of the tower just realizing he didn't know what to say to her. His words poured out of him earlier without filter. He didn't know if he had anything more in him. But he had to try. He always had to try for her.
Swift as a windsong
You sang the music of an honest bird
I waited for some contradiction
The truth was ringin' in your every word
His footsteps were deliberately slow and heavy as he climbed up the stairs. He didn't want to frighten her by busting in unannounced. He paused at the open door. Her gaze was focused out of the window, but she knew he was there. The light from the candle caught the piece of gold that adorned her finger He dropped his head still feeling temporarily mute.
"I don't think I'm ever going to get used to this snow," she said without turning around. "There was always a little snowfall in Georgia every year, but never like this. Makes it hard to stay warm." She had her arms wrapped around herself tightly. More so to ward off the internal struggles than the cold.
"You know I'm always here to keep you warm."
She half-way looked over her shoulder. He could see a hint of a sad smile in her profile. "You never get mad when I steal the blankets in the middle of the night. I'll give you that."
"The beard keeps me warm," he joked. The hair on his face wasn't in its full glory as it was on the road, but he felt more comfortable in its ability to hide his emotions from people. Though she always saw right through him. "I was worried about you," he said.
"You know you don't have to," she said.
He scratched the back of his neck and leaned against the doorjamb. "I know. Doesn't mean I'll ever stop."
She finally turned around. Tears glistened in her deep, brown eyes.
"Michonne -" Rick rushed forward; her pain becoming his own.
She stopped him with one shake of the head. "No, Rick. Just stop." She blew out a tired breath. "I need to tell you something."
Lay down those heavy burdens
On the banks of this river deep
Know that every piece of your past
Is always some place safe with me
Rick's heart beat faster. So many thoughts came crashing into his mind simultaneously: She didn't want it as much as he did. Any happiness they were able to procure was fleeting. She was going to say no.
"I feel like I can talk to you about anything," she started and paused. She brushed her long hair over her shoulder and absently twirled one loc around her finger. "But this...I don't know."
Rick nodded. He placed his hands on his hips and looked down at the dust mites littered across the floor. "You can talk to me about anything, Michonne. Even if it's something I don't want to hear."
Michonne gently rocked back and forward on her heels. Rick looked up and marveled at how tense and unsure she looked. He'd never seen her like that before.
"I was twenty-five when I finished law school," she began. "By my last semester I was pretty sure I didn't want to be anywhere near the law field, but I finished anyway. After the Bar I sort of drifted. I became a nomad. City to city. Country to country. My passport was the size of a small book by the time I decided to settle back down in Atlanta."
Rick took a small step in her direction. "Did you go back to law then?"
Michonne shook her head. "The corporate life was never for me. I opened a little boutique. It was very bohemian. Neo-soul and classic rock blasting through the speakers. A mini organic juice bar in the corner. Incense burning by the cash register." She finally looked him in the eye; smiling at the memories. "It was great."
He closed his eyes trying to picture her in a world that wasn't constantly asking for their survival. "Did you wear crop tops and long skirts?" He asked with a hint of flirtation in his voice.
She laughed taking a step forward. "Something like that. My dreads looked pretty amazing back then too." She self-consciously touched her hair.
"I love your hair. It's beautiful. You're beautiful." Rick looked at her intensely letting her know he meant every word.
Her whole body flushed in heat. "Rick Grimes. Always there to make a girl feel special."
"Just one girl in particular," he said taking another small step towards her.
She matched his step. "The way you have with words. Well," she continued her story, "after about a year of running the place this filmmaker came in wanting to use the boutique for a location shoot. Mike Chambers. Sparks flew. I was crazy in love."
Rick thought back to when he first met Michonne. At the time, still mourning his wife, he wouldn't have said there were any sparks, but looking back he knew from the start he felt a strong connection with her. "Yeah, I know that feeling."
"It was good for so long. Then it was bad. Good again. Back to bad." Michonne placed her hands on her cheeks; her fingers massaging at the temples. "Sometime between one of the goods and one of the bads we conceived a son." She held her breath looking at Rick for his reaction.
He stared at her; mouth slightly open. The pieces were starting to come together. Everything made sense. He clenched his jaw together; grinding his teeth as he mentally kicked himself for not figuring it out sooner; for not bothering to ask her about her past. "What...what was his name?" The usual gravel in his voice softened to a whisper.
"Andre," she said the name like a prayer.
"Andre," he repeated. Another step was taken towards her. "How?" He asked simply.
She broke their unwavering gaze to look up at the cobwebbed ceiling of the tower. "When everything became so crazy we decided to go to one of the camps set-up in Atlanta. It wasn't much better than hiding out in our condo, but I tried to do what I could to keep us from succumbing." She closed her eyes as her breath hitched. "I went out on runs to get us food and supplies. Mike stayed at the camp with his friend Terry to look after Andre. The last run I went on..." She felt all her emotion that had been sitting idle in her chest rise up to her throat like bile. The tears came harder.
Rick took two strides towards her, but she held up a single hand. "Wait. I have to finish this," she said.
He gave her a nod, and stayed rooted to where he stood.
"When I came back from the last run the fences were down. Walkers were everywhere. Mike and Terry really couldn't cope with everything." She shrugged. "Drugs, drinking were their medicine. I knew what they were doing, but I guess I didn't think it was that bad." She closed her eyes and tilted her head to the side. "I was so stupid."
"Michonne, you can't blame yourself," Rick said.
She opened her eyes and met his. "You would have."
"I've done a lot of things I shouldn't have," he countered.
"Understatement of the year." Both were able to conjure up small smiles.
"Andre..." She clasped her hands together; her fingers nervously wrestling each other.
Rick walked closer to her. "You don't have to talk about the details if you can't."
She gave him a look of gratitude and nodded. "Yeah. He was um...he was gone. Mike and Terry were high. Didn't even realize they were attacked. Both had bite marks on their necks." Her voice became graver with a layer of rage underneath. "They laughed and smiled when they saw me like we were still living in a normal world. The fury in me was so deep. I didn't stop to think. I couldn't. It would have been the humane thing to put them out of their misery immediately, but humanity was long gone from me by that time. I tied them to a couple of cots, and sat between them to watch their suffering through the fever and the unimaginable pain of turning. I watched them hoping their pain was even a fraction of what I was feeling." She shook her head. "It was barbaric. They finally died a day later. I should have just put my sword through their skulls, but I wanted them to suffer for all eternity. They let my baby..." She choked out a sob so anguished Rick's swore his heart shattered. "They let my baby die. I cut off their arms and mouths, chained them up and tethered them to me as I roamed around for months. I was punishing all of us for letting Andre down." She nodded to herself; eyes unfocused. "I made them the monsters I thought they were. In turn I made myself a monster."
And there's no room for judgment
I want you as yourself
No longer able to keep himself away from her, Rick crossed the rest of the small room and pulled her into a hug. He breathed her in as the tears came harder. She buried her face in his neck; holding on to him as if her life depended on it. He offered no words of comfort knowing that none would be suffice and she wasn't looking to be placated. They stood in the middle of the watchtower in their bubble until Michonne's sobs quieted. She looked up at him as he still held her close.
The kisses he placed on both of her eyes helped to calm her. "You're not a monster," he said. "There's no one better than you."
"I was something for awhile. I wasn't living. I didn't think I deserved to be around anyone until I found Andrea. And even after it was hard for me." She smiled sweetly at him. "Then I met a ragtag group holed up in a prison and my life changed forever." She pushed back a wayward lock of his curls. "You saved me Rick."
Rick, always one to deny a compliment, shook his head. "I'm the one that was saved because of you."
Michonne brought her hands up to his face to caress the beard that she grown to love. "You don't get it, Rick. If it wasn't for you I would have still been roaming those woods after Woodbury. I'm scared to think of what kind of person I would be. If I would still be. Andrea got me to start caring about other people again. Then Carl made me see I could still love as a mother. And you made me see true love could be found again in this world."
We have both been broken
Bent into painful shapes
And almost let those old fears
Carry over and get in our way
The snow had started to fall harder. The lone window in the tower began to frost over at the edges. Hidden holes and cracks made the room drafty. The light of the candle blew out leaving the two in the dark. Rick intertwined his hand with Michonne's and led her to the window; using the full moon to see her.
"I feel such happiness it can be overwhelming. Then the pain comes in because I shouldn't be able to feel this way and Andre never will again," she said quietly.
"Is that why you left after...you know?" He asked watching her eyes closely.
"Those beautiful words you said to me earlier today were," she shook her head in disbelief, "I couldn't help but to feel guilty. Because of Andre. Because I've kept so much about me from you. I needed you to know all of me before you made such a big decision. It wasn't fair that you've showed me all of yourself and I've always held so much back." She played with the buttons of his coat.
"I know what's most important, Michonne. Nothing you told makes me love you any less. No matter what I'm still with you."
She smiled at him echoing back her own words. She rose to the tips of her toes to kiss the corner of his mouth before wrapping her arms around his torso and laying her head on his chest. "I was so far gone for so long."
"You've seen me at my worst," he said stroking her back. "After Lori I didn't think I deserved to ever love anyone else. Didn't really think about it. You kinda snuck up on me." He chuckled.
"It sucks doesn't it? Falling so hard and not a thing you can do about it."
Rick smiled over her head. "It's the worst." He pulled away from her slightly and brought the hand that housed the gold ring on her finger to his lips. He ran his thumb across the band. "Does that mean your answer is yes?" Trepidation clouded his voice.
So here we are now
Ain't it lucky we survived it all
Searching for self in separate rivers
Ending up in the same waterwfall
Michonne shivered from the drafts still blowing through the open space. Rick pulled her coat tighter around her, and held her close to him again. "You can't let guilt control your life. I know that more than anyone. Andre wouldn't want that for you."
She started to cry again. "No, he wouldn't. He was the happiest, sweetest baby."
"We've all been through so much. We need any little bit of happiness we can carve out. We don't know what will happen tomorrow or the day after. But I do know Me, Judith, and Carl can't be without you. So will you have us?" He gently pushed away from her so he could see her eyes. "Will you have me? Scars and all?"
Michonne nodded through her tears. Rick smiled as a look of joy came over her face. "Scars and all," she said.
She yelped as he picked her up and spun her around. Their lips met in a kiss equally passionate and comforting. The window was completely frosted over by the time they broke apart. Rick took her finger and traced on the glass of the window. Michonne smiled as the light of the moon shone through the R + M inside a heart.
And when we're gray and wiser
The story I will tell
Is that I belong with you
And no one else
Song Inspiration: No One Else by Amel Larrieux