Message: I have been holding on to this chapter for a little while. I really didn't want to publish this story until it was complete, but as time went on, I realized that I needed to publish what I have in order to get some feedback. I hope you enjoy it!

Disclaimer: I do not own Kingdom Hearts or its characters.

Ch .1

With the Stains Now All Withdrawn

I stand at a doorway to a house which was once my own. Turning the handle to that old familiar doorknob, I take a step forward and feel a sudden, strange mixture of joy, fear, tension and regret churn inside of me. I look around and realize that everything is as I left, causing me to sigh in relief knowing the house remained untouched in my absence, but alongside that feeling of relief, came a greater sense of loneliness.

I breathe deeply before making my way up the stairs. With every step, the wood creaks under my feet, echoing loudly through the vast emptiness of this house. Listening to its cries, I find it hard to believe that I once lived here. Although my memories run deep within these walls, I've been gone for so long that I feel like a stranger, like a trespasser. Perhaps if someone were here to greet me, to remind me that: yes, I do belong here, then maybe these strange thoughts would not have visited me. But no one lives here, not anymore.

I make my way down the hall to the very last room on the left. Still feeling as an intruder, I'm reluctant to go inside, to revisit my room, but my hesitation and uncertainty shatters the moment I see my bed – Ah, my bed – With haste, I drop my backpack which I had slung over my shoulder, onto the floor and lunge towards the bed. Sprawling on top its covers, I soon find myself within them. It does not matter that the sheets are now stained with dust nor does it matter that they now bare a musty smell. All that matters is how wonderful it feels to be back within them. As I lay there, heavy in this nostalgic emotion, my eyes flicker awake in the realization that I forgot to open my window. You see, two years ago, back before everything had happened, I used to keep that window ajar. I had exactly two reasons for this, one, was to allow the night's crisp air and silky moonlight flood into my room, wash over me and pull me into sleep. The second, it was…

With this thought, I reluctantly pull myself out of bed, shuffle towards the window and fight against the weathered frame to push it open. Finally winning the struggle over that damn, old, worn window, I gaze into the night sky. As I lean forward against the window pane, the night's chill rushes across my skin, evoking past and nearly forgotten nights. They seem so long ago, yet this place remains the same; it's exactly as I left it. With a tired yawn and a stretch to match I drag my heavy body and mind back to bed and within its covers. Maybe tonight I'll finally get some rest.

-o-

What is that noise; that continuous pounding? I rub my eyes and check the clock. "God damn it! Why this early?" I drag myself to the window and as I peer out, the harsh rays of the morning's light cause my eyes to ache, provoking me to squint in protest. As I focus my vision, I spot the guilty parties responsible for this early morning intrusion. Those two; I should have known.

"Riku!"

"Hey Riku, It's time for school!"

"Why the hell are you two waking me up so damn early?"

"What?" Kairi yells. "It's a school day; shouldn't you be up already?"

"School? Hell no, I'm on vacation."

"Vacation?" Kairi questions as she flips her auburn hair behind her delicate shoulders.

"Yeah, va-ca-tion. You know, that thing where you take a break from everyday life and sleep in?"

"But Riku, you've been gone for two years. Don't you think it's about time you go back?" Kairi argues.

"Why would I think that?"

"Because everyone misses you! – especially Wakka, Tidus and Selphie – aren't you missing them too?

"Tch! They've been fine without me for two years, I'm sure they'll be fine for a few more days. And what about you Sora?" I turn my gaze towards my best friend who is in close proximity to the petite red head. I notice the way their fingertips hesitantly touch, as if questioning whether to hold the other's hand. "What do you have to say about this, about going to school? I'm sure it wasn't at the top of your 'things to do' list."

"Umm…" Sora replies nervously. "Well, Kairi has a point. We've been gone for so long. I don't think going back to school is such a bad idea. Actually, I kinda wanna go."

"Tsk." I shake my head in disappointment "I'm ashamed of you, Sora."

"What? Why?"

"Kairi's got you whipped." I say while pointing an accusing finger at the currently red cheeked brunette.

"Does not!"

"Yes she does. She's got you wrapped around her little finger."

"She does not!"

"Then why are you following along with this little venture of hers, hmm? I know you don't really want to go to school. I bet you just wanna kick back and sit on your lazy ass all day. Am I right?"

"Come on, Riku"

"Yeah, come on" Kairi follows. "It's Thursday. Another day and it'll be the weekend. Then you can sleep in all you want."

"Yeah it's Thursday. Isn't that even more of a reason for me to take till Monday off?

"Please." Sora calls. "We already told everyone that you'd be there."

"Yeah? And whose fault is that?"

"Please!" Sora and Kairi cry in unison.

"Okay, okay, I'm coming!"

I shuffle my feet towards the bathroom and check myself in the mirror. Still tired, I look so tired. My eyes are glossy and red, appearing as they are hallow from the dark circles painted angrily beneath them. I trail a finger along my cracked, rough lips, thirsty from consuming nothing but darkness. Even my long silver hair which usually serves as a shield, fails to hide my exhaustion; the dull and unkempt strands betray me instead. The darkness truly weighs heavy, the evidence is shown in my worn appearance. I bet Sora doesn't look this shitty. No, he's probably as bright and beaming as ever. Always smiling and full of energy –warm – much like the sun. That's why everyone loves him and how could they not? Someone like me doesn't compare, in fact, against his bright, life giving rays, my shade only deepens. I guess that's why I was jealous. The question is, am I still…No, jealousy is not the right word for what I feel towards him. Jealousy is only a name I gave to these emotions, a façade I used to explain away my actions. "Uhg!" I rub my hair furiously, trying to wipe these thoughts clean from my mind. Why am I thinking of this right now? I just want to sleep, to forget everything for a little while longer. I'm not ready to face everyone. I'm not ready to deal with all the questions or the stares. How am I supposed to respond to it all? I can't tell them the truth, can I? Even if I could, how would they respond? Wouldn't they think I was a horrible person? – Well, I suppose I am. I turned to the darkness, betraying my friends, worst of all, betraying the one person who's always been there for me, the only person who comes close to understanding me: my best friend. Doesn't that make me something terrible? I'm not ready. I'm really not ready. 'Knock, knock, knock,' more banging at the door. Those little pests, I'd better let them in before they wake up the entire neighborhood.

"Jeez, it's about time you opened this door" Sora whines, then suddenly tilts his head and lifts his eyebrow. "Are you almost ready?"

"Yeah, I just have to put on my uniform"

"Do you think it still fits?"

"Probably not. Yours looks pretty tight."

"I know, doesn't he look like a dork?" Kairi giggles as she shoots me a smile before heading towards the bathroom.

"Hey that's not nice!" Sora yells across the room. Kairi simply waves away his comment as she ignores him to check herself in the mirror.

"Back to the point." Sora turns his attention towards me. "I grew a little, but you," he jabs his finger into my ribs causing me to flinch in response. "You grew a lot. Doubt your uniform still fits."

"Oh well, I gotta make due since you brats insist I go to school today."

"Sorry."

"Hmm?"

"I really wanna go. I mean, I miss everyone, but it wouldn't be the same if I went without you – so I'm sorry for asking you to do this when I know you don't want to. I just miss how things were, you know? How things used to be." Sora sighs heavily, his usual smile turning into an uncharacteristic frown. "I guess what I'm saying is, I'm sorry for being so selfish."

Guilt – yes, that's what I'm feeling right now is guilt. It's my fault our world turned upside-down, it's my fault he became a keyblade wielder. I was the one who opened the door to darkness. I was the one who changed everything. And for what? Because I was discontented? Because I wanted more than what I have here? He was happy, he was content and I took everything away from him. For what? Because I was unsatisfied? It's all my fault. I'm the one who's selfish.

"Riku?"

"Huh? Oh, sorry. I just got lost in thought. Wait here, I'll be back down in a sec."

"Ok!" I hear both say in unison – It drives me crazy how in tune they are with each other. I guess that's what makes them so good together and why I find myself feeling like the third wheel. The moment Kairi appeared on our island, she and Sora instantly connected. It hurt to see my best friend sync so naturally with someone he had just met. He became infatuated with her. In turn, I convinced myself that she bewitched him and had every intention to steal him away from me. But over time, I realized that she wasn't trying to come between Sora and I and I forgave her and as time moved on, I even grew to love her.

"Riku!" Sora and Kairi yell, once again in unison, and disrupt me from my thoughts.

"Ok, ok!" I yell back as I dash up the stairs and into my room. I begin to hurriedly remove the clothes that I hadn't bothered to change out of last night and grab the slacks of my old school uniform. As I try to put them on, I realize that they were far too small – I could barely pull them past my middle thighs. Despite this, I try on my shirt, but like the slacks before it, the shirt was far too small; any hopes of buttoning it were clearly in vain. As I stand there in frustration, I hear my door crack open and see a pair of bright cobalt eyes staring up at me. My ears are blessed with a song of laughter, shortly after and I begin to laugh as well as I realize that I must truly look ridiculous: arms folded in frustration, sporting a pair of slacks around my thighs and a shirt that evidently could not be buttoned. Maybe I should try on the tie for good measure, just to keep him laughing like this. "It doesn't fit." I chose to say instead.

"No shit." Sora replies between breaths as tries to regain composure, but fails as he catches me trying on my tie to complete the look. His laughter is once again musical which ignites a sense of relief within me – I know now, that despite everything we've been through, I can still conjure such pleasurable emotions within him.

"Really though." I begin to say. "I can't go to school like this."

"I guess not. Hold on." Sora picks himself up off the ground and peer out from my door as he yells: "Kai!" – Kai?

"What is it?" Kairi calls back.

"Change of plans, Riku and I aren't going to school today!"

"Why?"

"Our uniforms don't fit!"

"Aw, are you sure? Let me go up there and check."

"No, you can't! Riku's indecent."

"Common, let me see."

"No!"

"That's not fair. I bet you guys are just trying to get out of going to school!"

"I'm serious Kai, Riku's up here looking absolutely ridiculous. Besides, you said it yourself, I look like a dork. So we're gonna take the day off – We'll go to school tomorrow, I promise, but we need today off to buy new uniforms."

"Fine then." Kairi replies with evident irritation in her voice. "But you two better show up to school ASAP. Otherwise, everyone's going to think that I'm lying about you two being back." As Kairi leaves, the door slams loudly behind her.

"Ouch!" We say together, causing me to smile inwardly at the way we harmonized.

"Are you sure it's ok?" I ask.

"What do you mean? It's not like you can go to school like that." Sora states as he tugs on the corner of my shirt.

"Yeah, but I thought you wanted to go?"

"And I thought I told you that I didn't want to go without you?"

"That's true, but shouldn't you go after her?"

"Why?"

"She's your girlfriend. Isn't she?"

"No, she's not – actually."

"She's not? What do you mean she's not? – So you're telling me that after everything that's happened between you two, you're still not together?" Sora nods in response. "Why the hell aren't you and Kairi together? I don't get it."

"I just – we're just not ready."

"Not…ready? You two have had your eyes on each other since the moment you met, and you're telling me that you're not ready?

"We're not. A lot of things have happened these past two years – I want to wait a little, I want to take our relationship slowly. Okay?"

"Oookay? But all you and Kairi have ever done is take your relationship slowly. If it takes too long to further your relationship, she'll get tired of waiting and decide to date some other loser."

"Some other loser? You mean like yourself?"

"Maybe." I grab him in a head lock and mess his perfect spikes.

"Hey!"

"Hey what?"

"You're messing up my hair."

"Oh, I'm sorry. I had no idea that Sora – the famous keyblade wielder – was so vain."

"Am not."

"Are too."

"Am not!" He lunges at me, tackling me to the ground as he vigorously ruffles my already unkempt hair. "Ah, now we're even."

"Are we now?" He nods with a huge, idiotic smile plastered across his face – God, I've missed this. I've missed him. What I wouldn't give to have moments like this last forever. What I wouldn't give to…

"Riku?"

"Oh…sorry."

"Are you ok? Something seems to be bothering you."

"No, it's nothing."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah…I'm sure." I reach out my hand to rub his hair again, gently this time, taking the moment to relish in the softness of his unruly, chestnut spikes.

"Riku?"

"Hmm?"

"I'm starting to wonder: when are you going to put clothes on? You know, ones that actually fit?" Suddenly, my cheeks feel warm as I'm reminded of my indecency and as the realization of our compromising position hits me –Sora hovers just a few inches from me, his hands on either side of me as he props himself up. He's so close; I fight the urge to gaze into his bright blues for fear he may notice my uneasiness. But as I shift my gaze from those eyes, I find instead a patch of skin which resembles the color of honey, contrasting beautifully against the white fabric of his shirt. Those buttons which dare reveal such sinful beauty, must have popped open as he tackled me to the ground. I feel the warmth of my cheeks rise to a burn and I'm certain their color gives me away, because this time he notices.

"What's wrong Riku? Are you upset cuz I'm finally strong enough to take you down?"

"What? As if." I poke the middle of his forehead, using enough pressure to cause a shift in his balance. He falls to the side of me but immediately lifts himself up and rubs his forehead. "You see? I easily defeated you with one finger." I say as I wave said finger proudly in the air.

"That's 'cause you caught me off guard."

"Tch, like that's hard to do."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Sora crosses his legs and folds his arms. His eyebrows narrow and his lips form a lazy pout. It's a look which I can only guess was his attempt at feigning irritation. The sight of it causes me to laugh and as soon as I do, his laughter follows.

"Anyway." I kick his side, causing him to fall over a second time. "Get your ass out of my room. That is, unless you'd rather see me naked."

"Eww, gross."

"Well, with the way you keep staring at me, I wasn't sure."

"I'm not 'staring,' it's just, I'm still so surprised at how much you've grown – jerk." Sora playfully punches me on the arm as he says this.

"I did change quite a bit, didn't I?"

"Yeah, but only on the outside; you're still the same old Riku on the inside."

"Well, I guess some things never change, like your idiotic face."

"And your smart mouth."

I offer my hand to Sora, helping him off the floor. As soon as he's on his feet, I shove him out of my room. "Now get your ass out before I kick it." Immediately, before he could muster a reply, I quickly slam the door shut –Some things never change? That was a strait out and stupid lie, but what else could I have said? Reality is, the darkness took all the twisted parts of me and skewed them further until I was nothing more than a distorted shadow of myself. I lost sight of who I was and what was most important to me, hurting the people I love in the process. Now, even though I'm fighting towards the dawn, working on myself to tame the darkness and earn everything back, I fear that I have become so tainted that I'll never be what he wants; I'll never be who I once was. So if I can't be that person, if I can't be who he needs me to be, I'm going to at least pretend. Anything less, would only hurt him.

-o-

After several minutes of struggling with a dresser full of clothes that refuse to fit, I give up the fight and settle with wearing a very old, ragged and once baggy pair of washed out grey sweats. Despite their horrid appearance –the hot chocolate stain on the front of the shirt, the tattered bottom of both pant legs and the holes which allow my knees to peak through –I've kept them. Partially because of the memories they held of lazy weekends when Sora would come over for no particular reason, and partially because they would be there for me when I had nothing left to wear (just as here for me now).

I take a second look in the mirror which only serves to reaffirm my awful appearance – I doubt I can make myself look anywhere near presentable but I decide to at least try. If I attempt to pass off this hollowed and ragged form, Sora would definitely notice that something's wrong – In the past, I would use anything and everything as material for competition and my looks were no exception. Due to lack of funds, there were times when I chose hair products or gym equipment over necessities like food. Though it sounds as if I traded common sense for vanity, upholding my ego wasn't the sole purpose for maintaining my appearance.

As long as I was by Sora's side, I could use my looks and practice my charm in order to steer any potential threat from him and onto me. If he only knew how many girls I've baited and lured from his direction – he'd be so angry. But Sora never caught on, he had never even realized that a girl had taken interest in him in the first place. Sora was oblivious to those kinds of things, always mistaking a girl's attentions as acts of kindness, never once suspecting the deeper meaning behind their actions. I on the other hand, knew all too well what their intentions were. So like a snake, I seduced them and like Eve, every one of those girls gave in to temptation and fell from Eden. Every single one, except for her.

No matter how hard I tried to sway Kairi's heart, she refused to give up her conquest. Her gaze never once faltered from Sora, no matter how much I danced or how colorful the feathers I bore. And after years of trying to win her affections, I realized my attempts to capture her were futile. Still, I refused to give up the fight which eventually evolved into something resembling a cruel joke rather than an act. Kairi knew without question, exactly where my intentions lied –meanwhile Sora was fooled into believing that I loved her. Instead of correcting his misconception, I opted to use it to my advantage. I knew as long as he believed that I loved Kairi, he'd be reluctant to further their relationship. It was exactly what I wanted from the start which meant I won – even if it wasn't the way I intended – I still won – or did I? I watched Sora day in and day out be miserable because he convinced himself that he could not have Kairi, regardless of how much he loved her. I watched his jealousy grow as I flirted and paraded around her to maintain that sick illusion of love. No matter how much I hopped, begged, prayed it was her he was envious of, I knew it was I his jealousy was directed and it served as a constant reminder that she was the one he wanted – the one he loved. To win, I knowingly exploited the kind nature of my friend; taking advantage of his tendency to place everyone before himself. I was selfish, foolish, possessive, the longer the charade continued, the more I hated myself –If that cruel joke was on anyone, it was surely on me.

After I washed my face and tamed my wild and rebellious hair, I slowly make my way down the stairs, quietly, trying to keep my steps as light as possible with the attempt to catch Sora off guard, but I forgot my goal the moment I spot him sitting at the kitchen table staring at his finger which was coated with a thick layer of dust. His gaze shifts to the line on the table which he had created, causing his nose to scrunch up, intensifying the look of disgust already ridden on his face.

"What's wrong with your face?" I ask with irritation causing him to stick his out tongue in response.

"Your house is filthy."

"No shit, no one's been around to clean it." Sora stands to his feet and brushes all evidence of dust off his finger and onto his blue and white tartan slacks.

"I was thinking, maybe we should clean it this weekend."

"We?"

"Me, you and Kairi. Unless…" Sora begins as he takes a few steps towards me and lifts his hands, gesturing to the entirety of the house. "…you'd rather clean all this by yourself?"

"No, not really." I say in response.

"Ok then, it's a date. This Saturday, bright and early."

"A date huh? Don't tell me you plan on buying me flowers."

"No, I'm not gonna buy you flowers. But if you'd like, I could make you a bouquet out of the weeds growing in your front yard?"

"Sure, why not? And why don't you mow the front lawn while you're at it – smart ass."

"No way, are you crazy? It's like the Deep Jungle out there."

"I'll pay you in pizza." I say in a singsong voice.

"Hmm." Sora places his index finger on his chin and glances upward. "Alright, I'll mow your lawn if: you buy me pizza and: you let me spend the night."

"You can if you want, but don't you think I'd be better for you to spend the weekend with your family instead of wasting it with me?"

"Well, I probably should take that time to catch up with mom and dad, but I also feel like I should, well, you know…" Sora begins to rub the back of his head. "Spend some of that time with you."

Oh…I see. Maybe he thinks I'll be lonely, or maybe he doesn't trust me to be alone. If that's the case, I don't blame him; I barely trust myself. This house is so empty, so vast, so quiet, I'll only have my thoughts to fill that space, to disrupt that silence – thoughts which often drift into dangerous territory. I – I don't want to be left alone with those thoughts.

"Sora, if you'd rather waste your weekend at my house – that's fine –I won't stop you, but we'll worry about that latter – let's focus on the now: Are you ready to go?"

"Yeah…wait, what? Ready to go where?"

"To the store and buy our uniforms, stupid. Or have you forgotten already?"

"Aw, do we really have to go right now? I was hoping we could just hang around here for a while – watch a movie, play video games or something."

"Hm, sounds great in theory, but you forget one thing: I have no electricity."

"You don't? I thought your uncle took care of those kinds of things?"

"Not reall – I always had to beg that no good son of a bitch for money so I could pay the bills."

"That's weird."

"Tell me about it. That bastard never wanted anything to do with me, even though he's the one who agreed to be my guardian." Sora's eyebrows begin to furrow as he folds his arms with concern. "Don't look at me like that. It's nothing personal, I think. When my parents died, he had barely turned twenty. The only thing he cared to do was to 'party' with his friends – The idea of being responsible for some 'kid' 'freaked' him out. There was a time when I had hope he would grow up and take some responsibility for me. As I got older, I realized that he was never going to change and that I had to grow up because he wasn't going to."

"Yeah but, if he was too busy with his own life to concern himself with yours, why would he agree to take care of you in the first place?"

"I asked him that myself. He said something about keeping a promise he had made to my father, that he owed my father at least that much."

"A promise?"

"I guess before my parents died, they had asked him to become my guardian if anything were to happen to them. He only agreed because he didn't expect anything to happen. When it came to it, when everything went down, he flaked. He didn't see me as his responsibility, because after all, he himself was 'just a kid' and 'how can a kid take care of a kid?' He wasn't ready to give up the life of a bachelor for some 'little punk' who'd only 'cramp his style' – that's why I live here, alone, instead of living with him."

"Did he – did he say all those things to you?"

"No, not to me, more like, he was rambling to himself and I overheard."

"Riku."

"I said don't look at me like that. It's fine. I'd rather live here by myself than deal with his bullshit, anyway."

"But aren't you lonely staying in this huge house by yourself, especially since your parents used to…"

"How can I be lonely when you and Kairi are always pestering me? It's fine Sora, really. I got over it a long time ago." I interrupt before he could finish. "Now let's stop talking about my uncle and start getting down to what's important – let's go."

"Hey, wait –I know we need to buy uniforms, but I really think you should visit your uncle first. You know, get some money to pay for the utilities and what not – besides, he needs to at least know that you're still alive."

"Yeah I guess; I need to get cash for a new uniform anyway – but don't get any bright ideas while we're there."

"Bright Ideas?"

"Don't play dumb. I know you and I know what you're thinking. Don't believe for one second that you'll be able to reconcile my relationship with my uncle." Sora begins to wave his hands in front of him.

"I'm not."

"Whatever. Just keep in mind, the relationship I have with my uncle is my problem, not yours."

"Ok, I get it – I won't interfere." Sora states – I can hear the sadness starting to form in his voice.

Shit, that came out all wrong; I didn't mean it like that –"Sora, I didn't mean it like that. My relationship with my uncle has always been rocky – I'm used to it. I just don't want to see you waste your time and your energy on trying to mend something that's not repairable, because when you finally realize that you can't fix this for me, you'll blame yourself for lacking the ability to mend it. I won't have that, Sora. You've shouldered enough burdens to last you a lifetime. Please – please don't try to shoulder this one."

"I get it." The pain I hear in his voice causes me to lift his chin, allowing me to have a better view of his face.

"Hey, it'll be ok." I wrap my arms around him in order to soften his worried expression. With his arms still folded, he leans into the hug, settling his head against my chest.

"I worry about you." Sora muffles through my disgustingly hideous sweat shirt.

"I know." I say in reply.

"I have a right to worry about you."

"I know – but try to trust me on this one, ok?

"Ok."

Author's note: What do you guys think? Please write a review.