To claim her feelings were unexpected would be dishonest. It had grown, she had felt it was there, seedlings of affection she interpreted as friendship or affectionate likening. She wandered away from the garden and ignored it's cumulation, and seeing upon return a full flower bed couldn't birth genuine shock.
She hadn't expected this, hadn't wanted this. Her lack of experience, lack of suffering - she had suffered, but it was too easy to dismiss her own experience. Other's, obviously, had to have been through worse - was a tool for dismissal. Also, however, it was an explanation. She could see through his smiles and laughter, his watchful eyes when others spoke, his easy agreement, his wandering spirit. He existed within himself, separate from the plane of living that other's interacted on. He lived, went through the motions of everyday life in an attempt to return to what had once been; and also to grow beyond.
Everything about him was pure, selfless and good. Beyond good, beyond any explanation found in her lexicon. He was the feeling of hesitation, soft and still like the rising sun on a cold morning. A pause, a reminder of the quiet breath of the day passing by.
The thought of him snuck up on her through her day, through the coming and passing weeks. It stopped whatever she had been engaging in at the time. How could anyone experience this much emotion towards another? She daren't say it was love, she had only just begun to experience these feelings. If they increased in depth, and this was a common part of the human experience, then what agony did life have to offer? The emotions were akin to agony, they kept her from being fully involved in the moment, strengthen at times and also weakened her mood. She wanted to scream at everyone and also to evacuate.
Almost without conscious effort she began exploring the internet for jobs away from the state, far away from anyone who knew. This in itself brought another level of unease into her stomach. What was she doing?
A need to explore this, to speak to him was present, but the impossibility of the action denied her thar. She couldn't. How could she? What cruelty was this, the terrible need to see him. She wanted to spend time with him and to never again lay eyes on him.
Was there a solution to be found? Her thoughts were always on him, and the few instances where she found peace, quiet from the speeding race within her mind, he was always there.
Avoiding her problems wouldn't last long.
She spotted him through the window of a classroom, not expecting it, and her mood plummeted. He had been sitting at a computer, tall, gravity defying curls haloed in monitor light. A glance, was all she allowed herself, hurrying down the hall and leaving the building, words of departure to her friend short and rushed.
Manors could be ignored, he couldn't. He couldn't.