A/N: This is just a series of drabbles that tie together I had running through my head that wouldn't leave. I needed to get them down and out of my head so I could concentrate on some of my other story ideas. I may expand on it in the future, but for now, enjoy the bits I have strung together.
Disclaimer: Dragon Age is owned by Bioware, I just play here.
The combat was fierce, this was the fourth skirmish but each fight was getting worse. Jaidan Hawke fought back to back with her brother Carver, keeping each other safe while fighting in their ranks. Without warning her brother was calling her name, and when she looked a hurlock had managed to disarm him, and he was requiring backup before it skewered him. Quickly Hawke disappeared from view, she listening as the hurlock chuckled sending dread down Jaidan's spine when the darkspawn swung his weapon up so he could bring it crashing down on her brother's head. She appeared behind the darkspawn, cutting its throat as well as killing the laughter of the menacing darkspawn.
While Carver regained his footing, looking for his weapon, Hawke guarded his back keeping him safe while he was defenseless. She heard him shout out a victory, and knew he found his weapon. Even though she was locked in combat with a genlock, she dared a glance over her left shoulder to look at her brother as he brandished his greatsword with a grin. She grinned back but her brother's smile quickly faded to horror forcing Jaidan to look back at her opponent. She felt the dagger of the genlock slice into the right side of her face, thankfully without enough power to break through her skull. It tore through the pale skin from just above her eyebrow down her temple and onward through her cheek and chin.
Blood poured into Hawke's eye from the wound, and soon her brother took out the genlock while his sister tried to stem the flow of blood. Jaidan cut the end of her undershirt, giving herself a make shift bandage and quickly pressed it to her face. She fell back from the combat, one dagger at the ready while the hand kept the makeshift bandage on her face. She finally reached the tent set aside for healing but had to wait since her wound was not life threatening. She sat on the ground just inside the entrance to the tent, the shirt fragment quickly becoming wet with her blood.
A tranquil mage, who was cataloging the injuries for the healers, noticed Hawke's bloody bandage and handed her a new one without a word. Thankful for the new cloth, Jaidan carefully switched the bandages trying to keep as much pressure as possible on the wound. She heard a cheer sound from the battlefield and knew this battle had been won. She continued to wait near the entrance to the tent, watching more wounded delivered and treated while she stood silently at the back.
"Sister! Jai!" Carver called to her as he rushed towards the tent.
"Here Carver," Hawke waved, standing to greet her brother.
"They haven't seen you yet?" he growled, taking in the bandage still pressed to her face.
"Not yet, there are soldiers much worse off than me," Jaidan explained, giving her brother a playful punch on the arm. "Besides they won't pull out the big guns for such a small scratch, I can wait."
"Alright," Carver agreed reluctantly, remembering just how big the scratch actually was. "I'll get us something to eat while you wait."
"I'll be here," she called cheerfully as her brother ran off to forage up some food.
While waiting for one of the healers to see her, Hawke went through two more bandages. Full night had taken hold, and her brother still hadn't returned with dinner. Dismissing her brother's forgetful nature, Jaidan was finally directed to a cot where she was helped by an elderly mage with snow white hair.
"My name is Wynne, let's see what I can do," the elder mage said and motioned for Hawke to sit on the cot. She slowly removed the bandage, and Hawke noticed her grimace when she removed it. "Oh my dear, I have some good news and bad news. The good news is you still have use of your eye. The bad news is this will scar since it has been so long. I'm sorry."
"I'm just happy to be alive in truth," Hawke joked, trying to dismiss the mage's regret.
Wynne gave her a small, tired smile before cleaning the wound, making Jaidan hiss in pain despite the mage's gentle touch. Finally once the grit and sweat from the battle was cleaned from Hawke's face, Wynne raised her hand and Jaidan closed her eyes as the blue healing energy washed over her. The warmth washed through Hawke, making her smile at the memory of her father. When the healing ceased Hawke opened her eyes, and noticed her right eyes didn't open completely. She looked to Wynne and noticed pity in her eyes.
"How bad?" Hawke choked out, suddenly self-conscious because of the look the elder mage was giving her.
"I'm sorry my dear, I tried to warn you," the white-haired healer whispered. "The scar covers the entire side of your face, and it is puckered around your eye preventing you from opening it completely. I've done the best I could. I wish I could do more."
Without another word Wynne walked away, leaving Hawke to sort through what was just said. She slowly brought her hand up to her face and began feeling the scar. She could tell it was puckered and still a little sore forcing her to gingerly touch the mark that cut a path down her face. Jaidan's hands began to shake as she felt the damage done to her face. She had always been pretty, not as pretty as Bethany, but young men were always vying for her attention when she went to town. She pulled her black curly locks from their ponytail and hid her face behind a curtain of hair as she exited the tent.
She climbed the battlements slowly making her way to the army encampment and her tent, her thoughts stormy and centered on her vanity. She noticed her brother around the bonfire, drinking with some of his friends. Hawke blended in with the shadows and ducked into the tent before her brother noticed. She stripped from her armor before she curled up on her bedroll and felt warm tears course down her cheeks: one marred the other fair, until sleep claimed her.
The next morning, Hawke awoke to her brother calling her name from outside the tent. Their contingent was expecting new orders later and they needed to be up and ready to receive them whenever they appeared. Jaidan could tell Carver was waiting for her, so she got dressed in her armor quickly before stepping out into the early morning sunlight.
"Sister!" he gasped, noticing the scar puckering her face when she looked up to meet his blue eyes. Carver grabbed her by the chin, and forced her midnight tresses away to finally see the damage marring her face. "Is that the best they could do?"
"Apparently," Hawke tried to laugh but it came out as a bitter bark. She noticed members of her unit staring at her once beautiful face, and jerked her chin from Carver's grip in order to hide behind her black hair.
After the two Hawke sister's left the tavern, Varric turned to the rest of the group. His curiosity was getting the better of him.
"What do you all think of Hawke?" the dwarf finally asked.
"Varric," Aveline warned in a stern voice.
"What?" Varric queried, feigning innocence. "It's just a question and I'd like to know what everyone thinks of our leader."
"I saw her at Ostagar," Aveline started. "She was commended by the king for a scouting report she was able to give that located the horde and let them formulate the last battle."
"Did she have the…" the dwarf paused motioning toward his face.
"Yes but you could tell it was fresh," Aveline confirmed. "She had received it in the previous battle. The bitterness had not seeped in yet, you could still see her sarcasm and charm. Traits she had obviously used to her advantage. She is a different person now."
"I can't imagine her charming," Anders whispered into his mug of water. "She seems so distant and cold."
"Can't you see why," Merrill chirped quietly. "Every single one of us can't look at her because of the scar. When we get jobs, the people who hire us all her stare at her face when her hair moves out of the way. You can tell she once was very beautiful but now all the grimaces and attention to something she sees as ugly has eaten at her soul. She can't help but be distant with strangers, with us."
"I can't look at her because she makes my face hurt," Isabela muttered.
"A scar from war should not upset Hawke," Fenris growled.
"That's easy for you to say," Varric chuckled lightly. "For all your complaints about the tattoos, they do add to your appeal elf. Hawke's…not so much. Besides it's not like you go out of your way to make her feel more comfortable."
"Bethany's pretty," Anders mused.
"Oh yes," Isabela readily agreed. "Let's talk about her pretty sister instead."
"I've seen the way every one of you has drooled over Sunshine," Varric pointed out. "I don't need your opinions on her and I'm obviously not going to get any more out of you on Hawke."
"I do not drool over a mage," Fenris groused.
"You all do," Aveline stated briskly. "Is it any wonder Hawke now chooses to travel around town by herself during the day? She's noticed the way you all eye her sister and though she tried to hide it, I see the jealousy, the longing to be noticed again for more than just the scar on her face. But I've had my fill, good night."
Aveline stood from the table meeting each of Hawke's companions' guilty expressions before marching out the door of the Hanged Man.
Hawke and Bethany sat perched on the edge of one of the bunk beds, brushing each other's hair before they went to bed. This was a ritual they had started when they were young girls before they had even settled in Lothering. Now it was such a habit, when one was missing the other would wait until they could brush each other's hair no matter how late at night it was.
"You're still beautiful sister," Bethany's hushed voice told Jaidan, pausing as she brushed her big sister's hair.
"Please," Jaidan replied in a bitter sarcastic voice. "Men grimace when they see me now if my hair is pulled back. The only way I can get anyone's attention is when my hair hides my scar. And then if my hair moves, they suddenly have no interest in me. Yes, still beautiful."
"Oh sister," Beth breathed. "You have such a beautiful spirit. Those men are stupid and cruel. One day you'll see, you'll find a man or woman who can look past the scar and still see the beauty in your face."
"I doubt it," Hawke sulked. "Thanks for trying to make me feel better."
"What about Fenris?"
"No, he can't even look me in the eye. Whenever he tries he always stares at the scar."
"Isabela?"
"I'm the one person she hasn't tried to convince to sleep with her."
"Merrill?"
"She's sweet but I can see her mind spinning on how to get me to answer the question. And then using blood magic makes her a little creepy."
"Varric?"
"Really Beth?"
"Well? Why not?"
"He doesn't see me that way for one, and I can always see him coming up with different stories on how the scar happened."
"Anders?"
"He's in love with you Bethany, not me."
"Do you think so?"
"I see the way he looks at you, he cares for you."
"What do you think I should do?" Bethany stopped brushing Jaidan's hair, lost in thought about the healer mage.
"I take it you like him?" Jaidan queried, turning her body to look at her sister.
"Well he's kind, compassionate and handsome," her little sister confirmed, staring at the brush in her hands. "He does remind me of father in that regard."
"Try telling him how you feel," Hawke suggested taking the brush and using it on her sister's hair.
"What would I say?" she gasped, uncertainty shining in her brown eyes. "What would I do?"
"You could take food to him or offer to help him in the clinic," Hawke started giving her ideas she herself wanted to use on the possessed apostate but now never would for her sister's happiness. "Ask him to walk you home some night from the Hanged Man instead of waiting for me. Ask to learn more about healing. Spending time with him will open many doors dear Beth."
Bethany giggled and turned away to let her sister have better access to her hair. She rested her chin on her knees, thinking on the advice from her older sister. She was so lost in thought over the blonde healer of Darktown she forgot she initially was trying to make her sister feel better.
"Not like this," Hawke wailed clutching Bethany's dead body to her chest. "Please dear Maker, not like this." Not like this became a litany Jaidan said over and over again while tears of grief and shame flowed onto her sister's cold head. Fenris and Varric watched the grief overtake their leader until she was too tired to cry anymore. They kept a silent watch, their own grief prevalent as they tried to be aware of the dangers in the deep roads around them.
They arrived in Kirkwall, Hawke stood staring at the street that would lead her to Gamlen's shack and her anxious mother. Fear gripped Hawke's heart as she realized what she was going to have to tell her mother. Lost in her thoughts on the best way to tell her mother, Jaidan hadn't heard Varric or Fenris trying to get her attention.
"Hawke?" Varric queried, concern starting to color his words. Finally reaching out to touch the rogue on the arm, Jaidan jerked at the touch and looked down at the dwarf. "Hey Hawke!"
"What?" she huffed at her fellow rogue, surprised he had touched her even if just on the arm.
"Do you think Bartrand came back to town by now?" Varric questioned her again.
"I'm not exactly thinking about that right now," Hawke replied, looking off down the street again.
"I know," Varric whispered, rubbing the back of his neck while trying to think of what to say next. "I suppose you'll be heading home to tell the family."
"I don't have much choice," Hawke replied absent-mindedly.
"You'll be a wealthy woman Hawke," Varric suggested as the group paused in front of the Hanged Man. Hawke let out a bitter laugh at the dwarf's submission before turning to face the crossbow wielding rogue.
"Wealth?" Hawke snapped her anger rising. "You think I care about wealth? I would give up every copper I owned if it would bring Bethany back. I don't care about wealth Varric. Beth was the reason we needed status, so I could protect her from the bloody templars. Now it's just mother and uncle, neither of whom cares for me. So excuse me if I don't care about some gold when my sister's body lies decomposing in the blighted deep roads."
Hawke took off from a bemused Varric and Fenris, but instead of heading down the street to her uncle's hovel, she booked it back out of town. She heard their footsteps chasing after her, but having spent so much time in the woods around Lothering, she quickly vanished into the foliage losing them before they could catch up to her. Jaidan could feel the tears building but refused to let them fall until she was sure she could hear the elf and dwarf give up and head back to town. She stayed perched on her tree branch as the grief washed over her yet again.
She remained in the tree until dusk began to fall on the countryside and quickly climbed down heading into the city before they closed the gates for the night.
Hawke stood at the entrance to the closed clinic, staring with longing at the blonde mage bent over his desk. Anders' quill scribbled away at the parchment, and his face bore such an intense look Jaidan dared not interrupt. She had only been in town for a day but knew the apostate needed to know what happened to his love while in the depths of Thedas. She stood in the shadows yearning for the love of the man who loved her sister but knowing he could never reciprocate. Anders was the kind of man who would only love one woman his whole life, and Bethany had been his lucky choice. Now Hawke was stuck dealing with her own unrequited feelings, causing her to ache whenever she was in the healer's presence.
"Anders," she whispered, stepping from the shadows wanting to get this over with as soon as possible. The mage bolted upright from his spot, sending his rickety chair flying as he looked ready to defend himself. Jaidan saw a quick flash of blue in his eyes before they returned to their warm caramel color.
"Hawke," Anders breathed out in relief. "You shouldn't sneak up on me."
"Sorry," she replied, coming to stand in front of him.
"Is Bethany with you?" he grinned, looking behind Jaidan for the fellow mage that stole his heart.
"Anders," she started, daring to look up into his face, even though she knew it exposed the scar. "You should sit."
The blonde stared at Hawke, searching her face. Fear played across his handsome features before he sunk down heavily onto a nearby cot.
"What happened?" Anders finally choked out, grief already deepening his voice.
"Bartrand trapped us in the deep roads," Hawke began, pulling out Bethany's red neckerchief as she handed it to the possessed apostate. "Bethany became infected with the blight and there was nothing I could do. I'm sorry."
Hawke slunk out of the clinic hoping to beat the cries of grief, but she wasn't fast enough. Anders' pained cried beat her into submission, further increasing her guilt as she fled from Darktown. She found her way to her room at the Hanged Man, where she had been staying since her mother kicked her out yesterday. She looked around the room and knew she could not stay in the city. She had only lived here a year and a half but everywhere she looked reminded her of Bethany, of her grief, or her failure, but more specifically of her jealousy.
She packed up her possessions and glancing around the room, snuck down the hall to Varric's room. The dwarf was down in the tavern drinking and playing cards with Isabela. She found some loose parchment and wrote a quick note before folding it and leaving it and the key to her room on the end of his table. She vanished into the shadows surrounding the dwarf's suite before leaving out a window and heading out into the night.
Varric wouldn't find her note until the next morning but this is what he found:
Varric, my dear friend,
Mother has disowned me and kicked me out of her life after she found out about Bethany's fate. I cannot face this city any longer. My failure with my sister is everywhere. I know it will be in your nature to try to find me, but please do not. I need to get away, find my purpose again as it was taken from me in the deep roads. Please pass along my regrets to everyone, and read this out loud so they receive my parting words.
Aveline, my oldest friend, you are a strong woman who has found great purpose in this city. You have become like an older sister, look after my family while I am gone. I hope you will continue to do what is right, do not let Isabela lead you astray. I suggest you spend some time with a particular guardsman we saved before you were made captain. There is something there, but he is too reserved to dare approach his commanding officer. Ease his suffering and yours my friend.
Merrill, my sweet mage, you are a dichotomy that I wish I had known better. I have enjoyed our talks about life among the elven and reminiscing about Fereldan. Please don't lose your innocence of life but try to remember Flemeth's words: No path is darker than when your eyes are shut. I believe she is warning you about your blood magic; it will take you to a place you do not wish to go. I know you think you are helping your people but I think it will carry you farther from them. Please rethink your path, I worry for you.
Fenris, my broody elf, I have enjoyed our talks over wine arguing about mages, discussing fighting techniques, and hearing some of your more pleasant stories from Tevinter. I saw the way you looked at my sister and know she was not like other mages. She was a good soul: pure, caring, and worried about others before herself. Please believe that she is not the exception to the rule, the Tevinter magisters were the exception. Think on what I have said; remember to not judge a book by its cover or in this case: an accident of birth. You have the power to forgive and that forgiveness will truly set you free.
Isabela, my lusty pirate, you are a diamond in the rough. I have glimpsed the heart of gold that you keep buried under your swagger and vulgarity. All one has to do is look at the friendship you have with Merrill and know you are a kind soul. Do not let your pirate ways keep you from happiness, you could find it here amongst these misfits if you just let yourself. They can help you but you have to let them. Try to remember the good person you could be and not the person you have been forced to be through the circumstances of your life.
Anders, my blonde healer, you have become a beacon of hope for the mages of this city. There are many things I wish I could say to you but dare not due to your affections for my sister. Know that I will not easily forget you or the work you have done for our countrymen and the poor of this retched city. I know you faced many atrocities at the hands of templars in the circle but try to remember that evil exists within all men: mage, templar, and mundane alike. If you never release your anger, Justice will continue to feed of your rage. The past cannot be changed, but you can change if you truly wish it. Find a way to forgive the templars who abused their power and you will find new life in your freedom.
Varric, my loveable dwarf, I'm sorry to bail on your story. I know you would have loved to finish it but I feel this may be the end. Find another whose tale you could spread, I'm sure Anders, Aveline or Isabela would make great muses. Just remember to exaggerate and the tale will be worth it. Bianca please continue to look after those I leave behind.
I took what money you had in your room, sorry for the theft but I will need some funds to leave. I need you to give my share to mother once the proceeds from the deeps roads have sold. Though she has kicked me from her life does not mean I have forgotten my promise to father to look after her. Help her get back the family estate; she deserves a little happiness and a life of ease after this year and a half in squalor and the grief I have wrought. Make sure Anders' clinic get the supplies it needs, and donate some funds to Lirene to help with the refugees. You were already assisting me with the books for my share of the mine; see the money is used wisely for the above mentioned causes.
If she will listen, let Mother know I am doing what I think is best for her. I am sorry I let her down; I hope my being gone will be better for her.
I will be visiting Xenon before I leave the city so my current description will no longer apply. Be well my friends and know that if you allow it, there is strength in your bonds of friendship. I was just the catalyst; you all have the power to stay together if you allow it. Safe travels on your roads of life, I consider myself truly blessed to have known you all, even for such a short time.
Your friend,
Jaidan Hawke