A/N: So, I'm really not sure where this came from. I just woke up this morning and I had to write it. I'm pretty proud of it though, I must say. I hope you enjoy it, and as always, feel free to review.
Disclaimer: The songs are the only things I own.
/
Matt dropped his bag onto his cot. He was sweating, which was no surprise considering it was early June. He figured he was going to be sweating for the next two months since the cabin only had screen windows and no air conditioning. When he was younger he had begged his mother to let him go to summer camp, but they could never afford it. Now that he was sixteen, and the health insurance was paying, he was forced to come.
"Hey. I guess we're cabinmates." a male voice said just before the screen door slammed shut. Matt turned around. The boy who had spoken was around his age, tall, had tanned skin, golden blonde hair, and blue eyes. Matt extended his hand after the newcomer had put his things down.
"I'm Matt Emrys."
The boy gave him a small smile and shook his hand.
"Arthur Penn. You're a musician?" he asked gesturing to the guitar case propped up on the wall. Matt shrugged.
"I can play, but mostly I just write. I hardly ever sing."
Arthur laughed.
"I do. I think we're going to get along just fine. How old are you?"
Arthur sat down on his cot and leaned back against the wall. Matt did the same before answering, "Sixteen. You?"
"Seventeen. So, what method of choice did you use to get yourself sent here?"
Matt tugged up the sleeve on his right arm. When he showed Arthur, the other boy's eyes widened. The word "Goodbye" was carved into Matt's forearm. The scars were still angry and red, but only two weeks ago the wounds had been deep and bleeding.
"I guess that makes you a lefty." Arthur said as he tugged up the sleeve on his own left arm. The word "Sorry" was similarly etched into Arthur's flesh.
"And you're a righty." Matt said.
Arthur pulled his sleeve back down and then said, "I guess we've both got a taste for theatrics. A simple one-line cut just wouldn't do, would it?"
Matt smiled.
"Nope. I didn't want to leave a note, so I figured this would work just as well."
Arthur laughed.
"That's the same thought I had!"
Matt's smile widened. It was nice to joke about this with someone. No one else in his life was ever going to. Before they could continue the conversation, a counselor came into their cabin.
"Hello boys! I'm here to go through your things to make sure that you didn't bring any contraband with you. If you'd please step outside, I'll try and go as fast as I can."
Arthur and Matt both stood up and filed past the counselor. When they were outside Arthur clapped him on the back.
"Well, that's one way to welcome us to Suicide Camp."
Matt snickered.
"I guess."
/
Camp Pine Knoll was in the mountains and it was the only camp of its kind in the country. It was specifically for teens that had tried to commit suicide. The staff at Pine Knoll were all psychiatrists, doctors, and counselors whose mission it was to help the teens find out the underlying cause of why they wanted to end their lives. Throughout the two-month stay at the camp the teens were made to attend both group and individual therapy, but they also got to enjoy themselves. There were all kinds of activities throughout the day that gave them a chance to relax. There was canoeing, swimming, basketball, soccer, flag football, arts and crafts, hiking, and even a small library that had books and magazines the teens could borrow. However, for all the things that the camp offered, what they didn't offer was a link to the outside world. There were no televisions or radios. None of the campers were allowed to have cell phones, ipods, or laptops. They were completely isolated and cut off so that they could focus on themselves and getting the help they needed. In a word, it was torture.
"God I hate this place!" Arthur sighed as he threw himself onto his cot. Matt didn't even look up from where he was flipping through a music magazine.
"I can't say I disagree with you, but it's only been four days."
Arthur groaned.
"But still. Everyone treats us like we're crazy because we tried to kill ourselves. I'm not crazy!"
Matt raised an eyebrow but still didn't look at Arthur.
"Some people might dispute that."
Arthur threw his pillow at Matt, and that finally got his undivided attention. He put his magazine down and looked over at the other boy.
"I'm not crazy. I just, I didn't want to be here anymore." Arthur pressed.
Matt nodded.
"I understand. I was right there with you, well, not literally, but I know what you mean."
Arthur ran a hand over his face and stared up at the ceiling for a moment before turning his head to meet Matt's gaze again.
"I know you understand. I don't know how to make them understand. It's not really something you can put into words, what I was feeling at that moment."
"Is that why you don't really talk in group therapy?"
Arthur smirked.
"I guess, but I don't see how you can really say anything about my silence. You don't speak up too often yourself."
Matt ducked his head to hide his smile.
"No, I guess I don't. That's what my individual counselor always complains about in our sessions. I usually just sit there and nod or give her one word answers."
"Me too."
They were quiet for a few minutes, and Matt thought that the conversation was over, but then Arthur spoke again.
"Do you ever wish that you hadn't been saved?" he asked quietly.
Matt thought about it for a second, but he knew the answer.
"Yes, sometimes. Most of the time though, I'm glad I was."
Arthur rolled over so that his back was to Matt and then whispered, "I'm not."
He didn't speak for the rest of the night.
/
"For the past couple of days we've all just been getting to know each other, but I'd like us to talk about something else today. I'd like us to talk about the reasons why you all thought death was your only option. Would anyone like to start?" Becky asked. She was Matt and Arthur's group therapy counselor. It was two days after the conversation in the cabin, and Arthur had been quieter than normal ever since.
"I would." a girl named Alice said. Becky smiled at her and motioned for her to continue.
"I'm an orphan. I already told you that I've spent my whole life in foster care moving from one family to the next. I've never had any real family to call my own. Well, a few months ago I met Stephen and we started dating. It was great. He made me really happy and I loved him. He said he loved me, and when I got pregnant he was really excited. He told me that he'd take care of me and that we'd be a family. When I lost the baby, he got so mad. He blamed me and said that it was my fault. He left me and said that he never wanted to see me again. I was so hurt, and I just wanted to make the pain go away."
"So, it was losing the family bonds that you felt with Stephen and your baby that pushed you to picking up the gun?" Becky asked. Alice nodded and was going to say something, but Arthur interrupted her with a harsh laugh. Everyone turned to look at him and Arthur just sat up a little straighter in his chair.
"Is there something you'd like to say, Arthur?"
Arthur crossed his arms over his chest and replied, "Family isn't something you should be looking for. It's something to be avoided at all costs."
"You wouldn't say that if you had to grow up without one." Alice pressed.
"I wish I had grown up without one!"
"And why is that, Arthur?" Becky asked.
"Because all my family ever did was make me feel like I wasn't wanted. I was never good enough. I couldn't even manage to kill myself." Arthur spat before he got up and walked out of the room. No one tried to stop him.
/
"So, your family, huh?" Matt asked later when he found Arthur at the edge of the dock. He was sitting with his legs dangling into the water and watching the sun set. Matt sat down next to him.
"My reason was my best friend. Will had been my only friend, and I was fine with that. I didn't need other friends if I had him, but he died last year. He and his mom were both killed when a drunk driver ran a red light. Afterwards, I tried to move on with my life, but it hurt to even get out of bed. For a while the kids at school treated me really well because they'd heard about Will and they felt sorry for me. After a while though, they just went back to ignoring me like they always had. I was invisible as far as they were concerned. Eventually it got to the point where I just thought, 'Hey, no one notices me anyway, so they won't notice if I'm not around anymore.' That was the night when I picked up the knife and tried to disappear. My mom found me. She always worked late on Wednesdays, but that night she left on time. Sometimes I can still hear her screaming my name when she saw my arm. I remember her picking me up, but then I passed out. When I woke up I was in the hospital. Two weeks later I was here."
Arthur sighed.
"My mom died shortly after I was born. I don't know the details; my father doesn't talk about it. When I was two he got remarried to my stepmother, Vivian. She was nice, and I really liked her. I was six when my little sister Morgan was born. That's when everything changed. It was like Vivian and my father didn't have time for me anymore because Morgan was more important. They moved mountains to make sure that they could be at her dance recitals, but when it came to my soccer games there was always a reason that they couldn't go. Morgan was smart and school came easy for her, but I had to struggle to make Bs and Cs. 'You're just being lazy, Arthur. There's no reason you should be getting such low marks,' was pretty much all I heard on that subject. Still, I had friends and a social life, so I tried not to let it bother me. I mean, I love my sister too. I know it's not her fault that she's the favorite. But then in May my soccer team was playing in the championship. We'd never made it that far before and I was really excited. I told my parents about the game two weeks in advance and I even marked it on both of their calendars. I wanted them there for this one thing. Just this one thing that was important to me. The game came and I was too focused to really look at the stands. When we won, I combed the crowd looking for them, but of course, they weren't there. I went home and there they were, sitting in the living room watching TV. Morgan had gone over to a friend's house and in the craziness of getting her fed and ready to go they'd forgotten about my game. They weren't even sorry for missing it. All my dad said was, 'Oh, you won? I didn't think your team was that good.' That was the last straw. I shut myself in the bathroom with a razor and that was that, or so I thought. I woke up in the hospital and I was so angry that they hadn't just let me die. My father had apparently come up to tell me that I'd been in the shower for too long when he found me. I wish he'd waited another ten minutes."
Matt sat quietly digesting the information for a while, but then he asked, "So, why 'Sorry?' I mean, 'Goodbye' is pretty self-explanatory."
Arthur sighed.
"I guess I was apologizing for not being good enough; for not even being interesting enough to be a blip on their radar. Maybe I was just apologizing for existing when it was so obvious that they didn't want me."
Matt put a hand on Arthur's shoulder.
"I think you're plenty good enough and if they can't see that then they're idiots."
That got a laugh out of Arthur and he turned to smile at Matt.
"Thanks."
"Sure."
They sat together watching the last bit of the sun dip below the water.
/
After Arthur opened up to Matt on the dock, he got better at talking during therapy. Matt also made leaps in bounds when it came to talking about his feelings. Still, he was better at putting them into song. He'd been at Pine Knoll for almost a month when Arthur came back to the cabin and found him strumming his guitar and humming one of his songs.
"That sounds pretty good. Does it have lyrics?" Arthur asked. Matt blushed and tried to grab his notebook, but Arthur was faster. He snatched the book out of Matt's hand and glanced over the words on the page.
"Come on, Arthur, give it back! This isn't funny." Matt said as he tried again to grab the notebook, but Arthur just moved out of his reach. When he looked back at Matt he shook his head.
"No, this isn't funny. This is really good. This is…is this how you feel?"
He sat down next to Matt on his cot as Matt blushed.
"Well, yeah. I wrote it in the hospital right after everything. I was thinking about my mom finding me, and how devastated she'd been. I realized that what I'd almost done had been really selfish. I wanted to find some way to tell her that I was sorry and that I wouldn't try something like this again, and that's what I came up with."
Arthur looked back down at the lyrics and asked, "Did you sing it for her?"
Matt laughed.
"Yeah. She cried. I'm not sure if it was because she understood what I was trying to tell her or if it was just how awful my singing was."
Arthur looked back at him and smiled.
"Would you mind if I sang it? It's just, I feel exactly like this. It's like you looked into my jumbled up emotions and made sense of them."
Matt was shocked. Arthur was the first person who had ever asked to sing his songs.
"Sure, I mean, why not? I'll play it through once and then you can join on the second time."
Arthur nodded and Matt began to play. Arthur watched his fingers move over the strings and listened as he hummed along to parts, but he could feel where the words went in the song. He already knew the melody without having heard it. When Matt nodded to him, he began to sing.
"I'm sitting on this wall with
the whole world laid out before me
but I don't want it.
People pass below me.
I guess they must be happy.
I don't know how to be.
I'm feeling like Humpty Dumpty yeah.
Look out here comes my breakdown.
I'm falling.
Don't send for the king's horses,
don't wake up his men.
They can't fix me now.
Leaning forward I take flight.
I close my eyes 'cause
I don't want to see the light.
'Goodbye,' I whisper and then
your voice calls out my name
but I'm afraid it's too late.
I'm feeling like Humpty Dumpty yeah.
Look out here comes my breakdown.
I'm falling.
Don't send for the king's horses,
don't wake up his men.
They can't fix me now.
The ground's rushing up to meet me.
I brace myself, but something catches me.
Your arms come and pull me to safety.
I'm feeling like Humpty Dumpty yeah.
But I guess this is not my breakdown.
Not falling anymore.
Don't send for the king's horses,
don't wake up his men.
There's nothing here to fix.
I'm sitting on this wall with
the whole world laid out before me."
The last notes of the song echoed through the cabin and when it was quiet Matt just turned to stare at Arthur.
"That was…wow. You said you sang but I had no idea you had such an amazing voice."
"What about you? You can seriously play, and these lyrics? They're brilliant. You've got real talent."
"So do you!"
They just continued to sit and smile at each other for a minute, and then Arthur started leaning into Matt. Matt realized the same thing, but instead of drawing back he began to lean forward too. He'd just let his eyes slip closed when a counselor walking outside their cabin and yelled, "Lights out!"
The boys jumped apart immediately. Arthur stood up and handed back Matt's notebook.
"Well, I guess that means it's bedtime."
Matt put his things away and said, "Yeah, I guess so."
The settled down on their cots and Arthur flipped out the lights. After that, the only sound was their breathing and the crickets outside.
/
Once Arthur started singing with Matt, they didn't stop. They'd sit together every night and work out new songs. Neither one of them could remember ever being so happy. They thought it was strange at first how they seemed to always be on the same wavelength when it came to the music, but it didn't take long before they just accepted it. It was like they could read each other's minds about how the songs should work and when it would be best to speed up or slow down. They were a perfect team.
Their counselors were very pleased to see that they had found an outlet for their feelings. A lot of the time Matt would bring his guitar to the group therapy sessions and he and Arthur would perform a song or two. Everyone loved it. But, the summer was coming to an end, and before they realized where the time had gone it was their last night together. Matt had been working on a song on his own for the past two weeks, and that night he finally showed it to Arthur.
"Here." he said as he dropped his notebook in Arthur's lap. He sat across from him on his own cot and grabbed his guitar.
"What's this?" Arthur asked as he looked over the new lyrics.
"It's a song, obviously. I'll play the intro and you come in with the first verse."
Arthur nodded and Matt began to play. When it came time for him to sing, his hands began to shake but his voice was as steady as ever.
"Some people say that love's a myth.
Well, I pity them.
Others say it's chemicals in our brains.
Well, science has never been my thing.
Maybe I'm just young and naïve,
but it seems pretty clear to me.
I don't know very much but
this is how I feel:
I make a wish on every star
so that I can stay just where you are.
Your light and your smile, they move me.
Everything about you soothes me.
I've never known anyone like you.
My heart races when you walk in the room.
I'm not sure if I've got this right but
I think that's love.
I should've told you ages ago
because you just have to know.
I make a wish on every star
so that I can stay just where you are.
Your light and your smile, they move me.
Everything about you soothes me.
I've never known anyone like you.
My heart races when you walk in the room.
I'm not sure if I've got this right but
I think that's love.
Yeah, I think that's love."
Matt didn't look up when the song ended, but he didn't have to. Arthur crossed the small space between them and lifted the guitar out of Matt's hands and then crouched down between his legs.
"You're an idiot, you know that? When you didn't say anything about our almost-kiss I thought that meant that you didn't feel the same."
Matt shook his head.
"I just didn't know how to say it."
Arthur tilted his face up and smiled.
"I think you said it perfectly."
He leaned in and pressed a chaste kiss to Matt's lips. One of Matt's hands cupped the back of Arthur's neck to hold him close and the other went to his hair. Arthur's hands found Matt's hips and latched on.
"Don't want to say goodbye tomorrow." Matt whispered against Arthur's lips.
"Don't have to." Arthur answered before licking Matt's bottom lip and gaining entrance into his mouth.
"How is this going to work? We don't live anywhere close to each other." Matt said a few minutes later while they both tried to catch their breath.
"It doesn't matter. We'll make it work. I'll give you my cell number and email and address and we'll make it work."
Matt didn't know how, but when he kissed Arthur again and felt how perfectly they fit together, he just knew that they would.
/
Being home and falling back into the routine of his life was hard for Matt. His mother was overly attentive and constantly checking up on him. When he went back to school it didn't take long for him to realize that rumors had spread about what he'd done. Now, instead of ignoring him, the other kids were treating him like he was some kind of freak. It didn't help that he refused to cover up his scars. They were the reason he got to meet Arthur, and he was never going to hide them like he was ashamed.
Things were difficult for Arthur too. His father and stepmother put more effort into being part of his life, but he could tell it was just for appearances. They were actually furious with him for causing such a scandal. Morgan, however, was glad he was home. It seems she understood all too well that she'd almost lost her big brother and she tried to show him that she cared by spending as much time with him as possible. Arthur didn't mind. He really did love her and he liked her company for the most part.
Matt and Arthur did manage to maintain their relationship even though they were separated by such a long distance. They called each other every night and texted throughout the day. Whenever Arthur's parents got to him, he'd call Matt and Matt would calm him down. That worked for a few months, but everything came crashing down on Arthur's eighteenth birthday when Arthur's father found the present that Matt sent.
"What is this?" he demanded when Arthur got home from school. He threw the silver guitar pick at Arthur's feet.
"It's my birthday present from Matt." Arthur said as he leaned down and snatched it up off the floor.
"What the hell do the engravings mean?"
On the front of the pick were the words "You're the music," and on the back were the words, "I love you." Arthur ran his fingers over them and stared back at his father.
"They mean just what they say."
Arthur's father's face began to turn red from rage.
"You mean to tell me that you're dating this boy? I sent you to that camp to get help and you came back gay?" he yelled.
Arthur clenched his fist around the pick.
"I've always been gay, Dad! If you cared about me at all or took any kind of interest in my life then you would've known that!"
"Get out of my house! You caused enough trouble for us with your little suicide stunt, and I'll not have you disgrace us anymore."
There were a lot of things that Arthur could have done at that moment, but out of all of them he chose to laugh. When he'd calmed down enough to be able to talk again, he looked back at his father and said, "I'm not the disgrace here, Dad. You are. You ignored me, brushed me off, and pushed me away until it got to the point where I honestly thought it would be better if I were dead. Then, when I found someone who made me want to live again, you say that my loving him is a disgrace. You want me to leave? Fine. I'll go gladly."
He stormed past his father and ten minute later he closed the front door behind him for the last time.
/
Arthur ended up buying a bus ticket and heading for Matt's hometown. When he showed up on his front step early the next morning, Matt pulled him inside without a word. After Arthur explained everything to Matt and his mother, he was welcomed into their home like he was one of the family. He transferred to Matt's school, was given the guest room to make his own, and got a job to help out with the bills around the house. Matt's mother treated him like a second son, and for the first time in his life he found out what it was like to have a parent who genuinely cared.
Matt and Arthur continued to make music together, and grow closer as a couple. There were quite a few nights where they'd have to sneak back to their own beds before Matt's mom woke up, so things were good.
Arthur graduated and got into a college not far away on full scholarship. He began studying business, and Matt followed him there the next year, but his major was music. It was in one of Matt's first classes that he met a bass player named Gwen. She was lovely, and had more talent than Matt could believe. Gwen was also friends with a drummer named Gabe. Matt brought them both to meet Arthur and that was how Second Chance was formed. They started playing small gigs in the town around campus, and were an instant hit. Within a year they had a record deal.
/
Gabe smoothed back his long brown hair while Gwen bit her lip in nervousness. Arthur put his arm around her shoulder and drew her into a hug.
"Relax. It's just a performance."
"It's our first performance on national television. I'm allowed to be nervous."
"Oh come on, Gwen. It won't be that bad." Gabe said as he nudged her leg with his own.
Matt walked over and put a phone up to her ear.
"Talk to Lance. That will calm you down."
Gwen smiled up at him and then got up from the couch when her boyfriend answered.
"Good call." Arthur said taking Matt's hand and pulling him onto his lap. Gabe just sighed.
"Can you two not make-out right now? We're supposed to go on in like two minutes."
Arthur laughed.
"You're just jealous." he said.
Gabe grumbled, but didn't get a chance to really say anything since a woman came into the little room to tell them that it was time. Gwen hung up with Lance and then the four of them filed out and onto the stage. The live studio audience cheered as soon as they saw them.
"Welcome back! Now we've got a band that needs no introduction. Give it up for Second Chance!"
The audience cheered even louder as the lights came up. Arthur caught Matt's eye before he turned to the microphone and said, "We're so glad we could be here. This song is one that we've literally just finished writing, so I hope you guys enjoy it!"
Gabe counted out the time and then Matt began playing the first few chords. Gwen came in a moment later with a soft bass line followed by Gabe with a counter beat, and then Arthur began singing.
"I've never really had a purpose.
I've never really had a plan.
I guess I've just been searching
and reaching for someone's hand.
I've never really seen the point
in struggling through this life.
All I saw were empty dreams.
There wasn't an end in sight.
And then you found me.
Just when I thought all hope was gone,
you reached and caught my hand.
Dragged me back from that dark place.
Now I finally understand.
There's more to this than what I see.
There's so much left to learn.
I've found the strength in myself
that I need to carry on.
It's thanks to you I've realized
just what I almost gave up.
You're the angel that I needed.
To you I owe my life.
Thank God that you found me."
As soon as it was over the crowd went wild. Arthur wasn't sure how well the song would go over with the fans since he was the one that wrote it, but it seemed like they loved it. Usually Matt did all the lyric work, but this was Arthur's message to his lover. The words were true, and they both knew it. They were each other's second chance, and they weren't going to waste it.