Jar of Hearts, a criminal minds fanfic

I have wanted to write a story about Ashley Seaver for such a long time. I heard the song "Jar of Hearts" by Christina Perri and thought of her. Hope you enjoy it wither you like her character or not.

Much love,

Ash

She sat there looking at the letter that would end up in the shoebox under her bed. A new one showed while she was on case with BAU. She knew who it was from without even reading the envelope, that fact made her sick. He wasn't giving up. She couldn't open them; she didn't want to go back to that. She was Cadet Ashley Seaver, she dropped his name and washed her hands of him. Why did she still always have to fight to not open those letters? During that case she could have been killed, the sad part is that didn't faze her. She had spent years wishing she could die. He had no right to expect her to play his daughter anymore.

No, I can't take one more step towards you
'Cause all that's waiting is regret
Don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore
You lost the love I loved the most

I learned to live half alive
And now you want me one more time

She had been so focused on the letter on the desk that she didn't hear Spencer come up behind her until he was right behind her. She didn't say a word, just let him watch her, he was profiling her.

"Stop it, Dr. Reid"

"Call me Spencer, I'm sorry, it's a habit when I don't know someone very well"

"You know me well enough, you know more about my own father better than I do."

She started to walk away when he grabbed her arm and said, "You forgot the letter" , she just shrugged, "throw it away." She just wanted to go home.

And who do you think you are?
Runnin' 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are?

She walked into the BAU, she had requested to finish her training with them. She knew Hotch and Rossi quite well, she wondered if either of them felt old because she was young when they met her, when they arrested her father. She had a hard time saying that. She did still have good memories of him. When she walked over the group she noticed something in Reid's hand. She recognized the envelope and the handwriting; it was the letter from her father. She got upset,

"I told you to throw that away, Spencer"

"I couldn't do that, you would regret it, Rossi said to hold onto it in case you decided to open it"

She looked around people were watching, she needed to be on her best professional behavior, this was training. She just walked to Rossi's office and said,

"With all due respect Agent Rossi but you don't have the right to make decisions for me, I don't want anything to do with my father, keeping letters is not logical."

Dave leaned back in his chair and said calmly, "Is that why you have shoebox of them under your bed?", when a perplexed looked crossed her face he ushered her to close the door and take a seat. As she did, she looked at her hands folded in her lap.

"Ashley, ignoring the problems don't solve them."

She looked up and said, " I don't need to face anything."

"Pretend I'm your father, what would you say to him? What do you want to say to him?"

I hear you're asking all around
If I am anywhere to be found
But I have grown too strong
To ever fall back in your arms

And I've learned to live half alive
And now you want me one more time

She looked at him with a scared look on her face. She knew she must look like a child at this point. She shook her head no, as in saying that wasn't going to happen. She had been fine; she had moved on, that's why she never opened any of the letters, she didn't need to. Rossi didn't know what he was talking about. She didn't want to tear down that wall. The anger, the insecurity, and the wounds that she didn't need reopened. Her father hurt her more than anyone ever could. She didn't need to think about it, the less she thought about it, the less she felt, period. She liked the feeling of being numb.

"Ashley, if you are going to succeed in this business you must learn to let things go. Pretend I'm your father, tell him how you feel."

She hit the desk with her hand and said, "No, I don't want to do this, I don't need this"

"Yes, Ashley, you do, fight me, pretend I'm your father."

"No! I don't want to do this. You have no idea what you are talking about"

Rossi leaned in towards her and said to her sternly, "If you don't let this out, this job will eat you alive, it will tear you apart and it won't even care because you are replaceable to them. Just another cadet, just another agent Maybe we should put you in a body bag now and save the trouble for later"

She sat there looking at him with a deer in the headlights expression. She started arguing in her head. She knew deep down she needed to release this but it hurt too much. Everything about her father hurt too much. The killing, the abandonment, and the loneliness were eating her inside. She looked at her hands and knew Rossi was right. She whispered,

"I want to hate you so much and most of me does but one part of me can't hate you and that makes me so angry"

Rossi surprised she opened up encouraged her to continue,

"That's good, continue, why do you hate me, Ashley?"

"I hate you because you took my childhood away, you took my father away."

"How did I do that?"

"When you left people treated us differently, you killed so many woman and I didn't even know that was even a part of you. You were taken away, you left us… you left me."

"Come on, Ashley, let it all out"

"How could you do that? You were supposed to see me graduate, you were supposed to eventually walk me down the isle but instead you left a scar that will never heal. If you loved to kill so much why didn't you just kill me? Did you just get love from killing those women? Did you ever truly love me? Daddy, did you ever truly love me?

She crumbled into a crunched position in the chair and started to cry. Rossi moved around his desk knelt in front of the chair and rubbed her back as she cried, "That's it, Ashley, let it out. Move on from this. You can do it. I know better than anyone how working hard masks the pain but it catches up to you." She nodded and just let it all out. Once she let it all out she stood up and so did Rossi.

"Thank you, Agent Rossi"
"Please, you are part of this family now, call me Dave."

"Thank you, Dave."

"Don't mention it, now go wash your face and maybe take the letter from Reid and work your way through his excuses. Face this head on, doll."

Dear, It took so long just to feel alright
Remember how to put back the light in my eyes
'Cause you broke all your promises
And now you're back
You don't get to get me back

After she washed her face she walked back over to the group and reached for the letter that was still on Reid's desk. She nodded to everyone, to apologize for her behavior and headed up to the conference room. She opened the envelope and read the beginning,

My dearest daughter,

She went to fold it up when she saw everyone looking at her from the doorway. Penelope walked over and sat down next her and took her hand

"Sweetie, you don't have to do this alone."

Ashley smiled, Rossi was right, she joined a family and right now, she needed them. She needed them to become Ashley Seaver and leave Ashley Beauchamp in North Dakota with her father.

Who do you think you are?