This just wouldn´t let me go so I had to write it.
Disclaimer: I don´t own anything or anyone, except Amber.
She hesitated a moment, her hand lifted already to knock softly at the door. Then the petite figure swallowed hard and dropped her hand again. She didn´t even know why she came here, after all that time. She didn´t know what made her fly from the other side of the earth and stand here in front of his door. Too afraid to knock and make herself visible.
It´s been 5 years since she had last seen him. 5 years, in which she had fought against every memory, every regret and every wish to call him. She knew she had no right to be here, no right to see him or talk to him ever again. After all, she was the one who left. 5 years weren´t enough to make her feel less guilty. She left him and that was something she´d never forgive herself.
She thought it had been the right decision. She wouldn´t want him to risk his naval career for her so she left when she realized he wouldn´t be able to make that decision. It broke her heart when she saw the pain in his eyes. When his voice turned to ice. When she saw betrayal and hurt in his face. Because she felt the same way inside. Her heart was broken too. She never left because she stopped loving him. She probably still did.
Thinking back all her rational and valuable reasons to leave seemed to be nothing but a lame excuse. And maybe they were just shallow words, holding no meaning. Maybe it´s been her fleeing from something she felt she´d never deserve. And hadn´t she proved that she wasn´t worth it? She had hurt him, when all she wanted to do was make it easier for him.
With an inaudible sigh she pushed her hands into the back pockets of her jeans and turned around, walking down the steps silently. She should better leave, before he saw her. It had been a mistake to come here, without a plan, without words to say. Just driven by a strange feeling to put a closure to this chapter of her life after 5 years.
"Can I help you?" a male voice asked behind her and she froze. 5 years, and still she´d recognize his voice everywhere. She hadn´t heard him open the door, too lost in the world of her own thoughts.
"Hello? Can I help you?" Again this smooth, dark voice. She strengthened her shoulders and took a deep breath, bracing herself, before she turned around and met his gaze. She saw his eyes widen slightly and his hands grip the door tightly.
"Hello Steve." she said, forcing a smile to her face. Her voice was husky.
"Amber." Just one word, one name and all the feelings came crashing down on her. "What are you doing here?" he asked, oblivious to her inner turmoil.
"To be honest, I don´t know." she chuckled silently, her hands curling into tight fists inside the pocket of her jeans.
Steve starred at her for a few seconds and then opened the door a bit further, gesturing her in. She gave him a small smile and went inside.
The smell was familiar, still everything was different. His father´s house was his house now. It was clean and cosy, like a home and not just a place to spend the night.
She heard Steve walk into the kitchen, get two glasses from the cupboard and only seconds later he returned with two glasses of wine, handing her one. She accepted it, again smiling a little. She was nervous because he was close. Closer than he had been for a long time. His scent was so familiar, warm, earthy and so distinctively him and she had a hard time thinking.
Steve gestured outside to the lanai and followed her, offering her a seat at one of the cosy sofas. The evening was warm and the sun wasn´t set yet, but the air was starting to cool down already. Still she felt sweat building on her forehead. Even though she just wore a thin top, it felt like it was too much. She knees were shaking and it took all her will to not allow them to buckle.
She felt his eyes on her and slowly lifted her head, meeting his gaze. She didn´t know what to say, didn´t know how to explain. But she was here and she knew she couldn´t leave without another word.
"How have you been doing?" he broke the silence and Amber smiled sadly.
"I´ve been doing well. Working for a well-respected law firm in New York." This felt just wrong! Sitting here, sipping a glass of her cooled favorite wine, making small talk. There were so many important things to say, so much she wanted him to know. But what did she expect? To come here, break into his life, his house and just get it all out and leave again?
Again they fell into silence, only looking at each other. Amber tried to tell him everything through her eyes, but she knew it was futile. She wouldn´t accomplish anything without saying it. He needed to hear it. She needed to say it.
"Do you mind?" she asked, pulling a pack of cigarettes from her pocket. She saw the little smirk curve around his lips.
"Bad habits don´t die, huh? Sure, go ahead, I´ll get you a tray." She watched him stand up and get her an ash tray. Her fingers trembled when she lit her cigarette and inhaled deeply. He was right, it was a bad habit and she hadn´t been able to quit smoking. When they were together, he had found ways to distract her to keep her from smoking and he had been quiet successful. But when she left, she felt like there was no reason to stop anymore. No one to distract her anymore.
Steve watched her silently through the smoke. He had hated it, hated the fact that she was addicted to this. But now that he smelled the familiar smoke, it was a strangely soothing feeling. She was still beautiful with her red curls and her big grey eyes. Her skin was flawless, only a few freckles on her nose. Her mouth was full and lusciously curved. She was skinnier than he remembered, the white top hanging loosely on her body but still it revealed her feminine curves.
When he saw that her glass was empty he got up and brought the bottle from the kitchen, pouring her another glass. Still they haven´t spoken really, except small talk like strangers that met on a street. Exchanging a glance, a few innocent words, before moving separate ways. They shared a history though, more than just a glance or a few words. But he wasn´t ready to go there just yet, he didn´t want to remember.
"Why are you here, Amber?" he asked, the one question that was burning under his nails. Since the moment he discovered her at his door, he wanted to know why she had showed up now.
He saw her sigh and kill the cigarette with more force than necessary. He saw the slight tremble of her hand and the lines of exhaustion on her face.
"Would you believe me when I tell you that I don´t know why I´m here, Steve?" she looked at him, her need to gain his trust, his believe, evident in her eyes. "Because it´s true. I don´t know why I´m here. I just felt like I had to come here. It´s been 5 years and I know I have no right to come here and to confront you." She laughed sadly, full of self-doubt. "I know I´m selfish. I shouldn´t have come here just because I felt the need to see you. You have your life and me suddenly bursting back into your life isn´t fair."
"You´re done?" he interrupted her with a small grin. "Stop sacrificing yourself and talk to me, Amber." She hadn´t expected his tone to be so gentle, so understanding, so forgiving. He had every right to hate her and to throw his accusations at her, but he didn´t.
"You´re ability to read other people´s mind is unnerving." she answered with a small smile.
"Just yours." he assured her and poured himself another glass of wine. He felt her eyes on him the whole time and he knew her eyes followed his movements. For a second he wanted to give her a show, just to make her realize what she had missed. But then he knew that it wouldn´t change anything. What had been said and done was history, just like their story. It didn´t matter what she thought about him anymore, because there was no place in his life for her anymore.
"I wanted to say goodbye." she finally said, her fingers nearly breaking the delicate glass in her hand. Her eyes glued to the wine softly swirling in the glass, she didn´t see him flinch, like he had received a punch to the face. When she looked at him again, his face was calm again, showing nothing but interest. "I wanted to apologize. To explain. And to end it properly. No running away this time." There, she said it. The words were out, the reason why she came here. She ignored the stinging inside her, telling her that she was lying to herself.
Steve let out a ragged breath, pushing his hand through his hair and gulp down the wine in one big swallow. "You´re always in for a surprise, that´s for sure." he said. He heard her light up another cigarette and again this damn scent made his insides crunch.
"Will you let me?" she asked and when he looked up he saw her shiver.
"Can I keep you from doing it?" He already knew the answer. Knew that he wouldn´t keep her from saying it, because a part of him was desperate to hear it as well. If he ever wanted to be able to move on and to let go, he had to listen to her.
"I´ll go, if you tell me to." she said, her voice strong and firm. And he knew she would. She´d leave him again, wondering forever about 'What if...?'
"Are you hungry?" he suddenly changed the topic and the smile she gave him, touched something inside him that he had buried a long time ago. The day she walked out of his life, to be precise.
They went inside and as if the past 5 years didn´t happen and began to prepare dinner together. Cooking pasta and her famous tomato-garlic sauce like they had done so many times before. For a second he was doubting himself. Because here he was in his kitchen, with her, cooking dinner like they used to and not feeling the least bit awkward or embarrassed.
Halfway through dinner she set her fork down and sighed. Long and dramatic.
"I know you´re not a big talker, but could you please at least make an attempt to make small talk? This silence is unnerving and I just wanna jump up and run away!" Amber began and was stopped by his laughter.
"What?" she asked but Steve only laughed harder, leaning back in his chair.
"WHAT? What is so funny?"
"You."
"Me? I´m glad I can make you laugh after this surprise of finding me on your front door, but would you mind telling me what is so funny about me? I mean, beside all this." she gestured between him and her. The tension inside her was getting the best of her and she felt her patience slip.
"You´re so easy to read, Amber. I always knew how to push your buttons and to make you snap. And it still works." His laughter died to a relaxed chuckle and she couldn´t help but grin at him.
"Asshole." she laughed and for the next few seconds nothing but their laughter was heard. When they stopped laughing, they shared another knowing glance and returned to their pasta. But this time Steve talked, about his life now, about his job at 5-0, his team. And he wanted to know about her life. She didn´t care if it was really just small talk, it meant so much to her.
She helped him clean afterwards and then followed him outside again. It was dark by now and Steve lit some candles, poured them some more wine and sat down.
"I have to warn you, it´s not that easy anymore to get me drunk." she said.
"Practising?" he teased.
"Let´s just say that I learned to handle myself better."
"You were always able to handle yourself and to carry yourself with strength and pride, Amber."
"Maybe. But maybe I was just able to play a very convincing role." Her tone was teasing still, but the subject was serious. She knew he´d be able to read between the lines, able to read her. And until he didn´t ask, there was no reason to explain.
"I thought you´d trust me enough to know that you never had to play a role with me." Hurt was slowly showing in his voice and Amber looked at him sadly.
"I always trusted you, Steve and believe it or not, I still do."
"Yeah... that´s why you left." Damn, he wasn´t able to keep his feelings at bay! Inwardly he cursed himself for letting them slip.
"I left because I thought that was the right thing to do." she said, not fighting him and not defending herself.
"I would have loved to have a say in it!"
"And what would you have said, Steve? Convinced me to stay and make it work?" her voice was soft and it only fueled his anger.
"So what if? What if you had stayed? What if we had gotten married? I didn´t realize how much you hated the idea of being with me."
"What I hated was being without you. What I hated was falling asleep at night with you being gone on a mission, never knowing when and if at all you´d return. What I hated was seeing you struggle with your need to assure me because I wasn´t strong enough to handle it. I never hated being with you, Steve. Never." she told him in a firm voice. She had been so nervous and insecure before, but now she felt much stronger inside.
"You knew who I was, what I was. I never lied to you."
"I know. I just wasn´t prepared for feeling so insecure and lost without you and I hated it. I loved you with all my heart, Steve. There has never been another man that could take your place. But I can´t hold onto this love any longer. I have to let go. Trust me, I´ll keep this guilt and regret with me for the rest of my life. But maybe if I let you go, I feel like I can give you a fragment back of what you gave me."
"You never gave me the chance to fight your decision." he said, his voice low and thick with emotions. It seemed as if the fight had left his body and he resigned.
"Because I knew that you´d win. And I couldn´t let you. I felt like I would take your career, your future from you if I had stayed."
"Still I should have gotten the chance to say something about it."
"Yes, you should have. But I couldn´t. I would have never left you, Steve."
"Damn, why do you make it sound like leaving and breaking up had been the only option?" he asked angry.
"Because we weren´t meant to be." she simply said, as if that would explain everything. And it did. It made sense, in a morbid and pervert way it made sense. Steve admitted to himself that back then, they wouldn´t be able to make it. They would have destroyed the wonderful and intense relationship, because they tried too hard to make it work. They would have refused to listen to the voice inside that told them that it wasn´t their time.
"I loved you so much." she whispered.
"I loved you too, more than anything. I was ready to fight destiny just to be with you."
Their eyes met and for the first time in 5 years, they both felt peace. It was time to say goodbye to their history. Time to let go and to accept. And time to remember with a smile.
A beautiful goodbye.