63. Genuine Happiness
'Raito-kun,' L lightly poked Light, hunching over to scrutinise the boy.
Light's chest rose and fell steadily. He showed no signs of waking to the call.
'Raito-kun,' each and every syllable was prolonged. L sighed and pursed his lips.
L couldn't stand it. He rolled his eyes at Light's slumbering form. Of course he understood that a normal person would be exhausted after a long night of intense activity. But come off it. Light was hardly close to ordinary. And L believed that Light really should live up to his abnormality.
'Raito-kun!' L picked up the loudspeaker and shouted at Light.
And he earned himself a good hard push off the bed.
'How many times have I warned you not to do that?' Light glared venomously at L, making no attempt to regain his composure.
'How many time times have I called your name, Raito-kun?' L retorted stoically.
'I don't care, L,' Light snapped, 'you're not getting any strawberries today.'
He deliberately walked away from the frustrating weirdo. L's action could be extraordinarily swift whenever strawberries were involved. Light did not know how L could manage to do that but the fact was L's face was in front of Light's squarely.
'Raito –'
L was reusing that trick again – a good poor puppy look in his abnormally round eyes and a pleading voice completed with the honourific-less call of Light's name. Light really disliked this dirty tactic. Well perhaps not the tactic itself, but the fact that he'd always surrender to it. This just made L even more childlike. And Panda-chan definitely knew how to appeal the seme in Light. Light sighed in defeat. He cupped L's cheek and surrendered, 'alright Panda-chan.'
L's eyes glowed with innocent contend. His pale face lit with radiance. The testiness triggered previously totally melted. Light could not hold up an angry façade any more. A beam evolved on his handsome face. Light loved how easily L could feel genuinely happy. Some challenging cases, sweets and most significantly, Light, were all he needed.
Light gently took L's bony hand and pulled the detective towards him. His arms encircled the other man's waist. He rested his chin on L's head, neglecting the itchiness caused by L's unruly hair. He indulged in the sweet strawberry scent. Having shut his eyes, Light immersed in the simple yet soothing feeling of having L in his embrace. It was a state of peace, of completion, of genuine happiness.
L pulled away and planted a tender kiss on Light's lips.
'Strawberry pancake please, Raito-kun,' L said slyly.
'Hai –' Light grimaced at his cheeky boyfriend. Sometimes he did wonder whether L was mental. How could this childish sugar rush freak be the most prominent detective on Earth at the same time? Oh well, never mind that. Light himself was anything but ordinary either.
Whilst Light was in the kitchen fixing L's breakfast, like any other mornings, L buried his head in his laptop.
Stirring the pancake batter, Light chuckled lightly to himself. When L first moved in with him, L attempted to make pancakes as well…
That was a pretty special morning. Usually L would wake Light up by shouting at his ear. Light absolutely loathed that. Yet that morning, Light woke up to find no once hunching over him. He was of course perplexed. Rumble led Light into his domain – the kitchen.
'Did L break another plate? It'll be the third this week,' Light could not figure out whether he should like or dislike L's clumsiness.
'If Raito-kun does not wish to sleep on the couch tonight, he'll refrain from the kitchen,' L warned monotonously but his eyes narrowed precariously.
Light felt a stir in his stomach. L being in the kitchen was a worrying incident. Nothing good could happen. A few restless minutes later, L emerged from the kitchen wearing Light's strawberry apron. A bit of flour coated his spiky hair. Light could not deny that L looked immensely adorable. His owlish eyes glinted with pride. This big boy knew how to make Light's heart skip. What unsettled Light was the stack of pancakes with chocolate sauce, strawberries and for god's sake, sugar cubes.
'L Lawliet presents: his first pancakes,' L announced merrily whilst looking at the nerve-racked Light hopefully without a blink.
'It seems that food poisoning is inevitable,' Light mentally braced himself.
The boy experimentally took a small bite. Thumb in his mouth, L swallowed anxiously. After all it was his first cooking attempt.
Light froze. The pancakes were so salty that they were bitter. L's face dimmed. Depression replaced his previous thrill.
'How bad is it, Raito-kun?' L staggered towards Light and snatched the plate away from his hand.
'It's extremely salty,' Light confessed.
L put down the plate on the dining table and crouched on the couch. 'Seriously, this failure is perhaps as demoralising as the stalemate in the current murder case,' L admitted with a hint of embarrassment, 'I wanted to please Raito with a little surprise.'
How could Light not be moved by this little panda? He knew exactly how much L detested cooking. This hatred perhaps merely came second to a balanced diet. Yet the urge of doing something for Light was immense enough to motivate the greatest detective in the world.
'Panda-chan, I'm more than pleased,' Light said sincerely.
Light sat next to L, who stared at Light innocently. L felt so much better when Light's arms wrapped around his waist firmly. A small smile emerged, just like the time L said 'justice will prevail'. Light took L's hand away from his mouth and stroked tenderly. L buried his head in Light's chest, making the seme beam. He loved it when L sought his assurance and protection.
'Panda-chan is silly. He should not worry that he cannot please Raito,' Light planted a gentle peck on L's forehead. 'The only person who has the ability to bring me genuine happiness is Panda-chan.' He went on to tilt L's chin and kissed his chapped lips, 'as long as I have Panda-chan, I'm genuinely happy.'
Light kissed L full in the mouth. The passion was unstoppable and brought the pair back to their bedroom. The awful yet lovely pancakes were forgotten.
The sighs of L brought Light back to present. Alarmed, Light asked L what had happened.
'Bad news Raito-kun,' L sighed, 'Misa is visiting this afternoon.'
Light stopped stirring the batter and replied, 'bad news indeed. I thought we could spend the entire day looking at the pictures of corpses.'
'Misa misses her Raito,' L attempted to mimic Misa's high-pitched voice.
'Seems that Panda-chan is jealous,' Light mused. The batter was ready for cooking.
'Very funny, Raito-Kun,' L snapped in his signature flat tone, 'when is L Lawliet, the greatest detective on earth jealous?'
'When he's in love with Yagami Raito,' Light answered cheekily.
After L and Light quickly finished the strawberry pancakes, they rushed through the pile of photos. It was a tough morning full of gory images. And they still had to put up with Misa.
It was 2 pm.
'Misa should be in any moment,' L said to Light without looking away from his laptop, 'shouldn't Raito-kun prepare some tea and snacks for her?'
'Since when does the socially inept detective know social etiquette?' Light teased but made his way to the kitchen.
A soft knock on the door announced the arrival of Amane Misa.
'I'm coming in now, Raito,' Misa informed.
She pushed through the heavy metal door.
Two months without seeing Light had been tough. Misa was literally hectic. Her schedule hardly allowed her any time to visit the man she still loved. Light's ward was largely the same. A plain room with little furniture. The originally white walls were decorated by Light's drawing. A washing basin, a stove and a nightstand with a laptop were drawn. It looked exactly the same as in the Kira headquarters. On the right, Light set up some cushions and a low table which was covered with outlines of L's favourite desserts. On the left, there were an array of rectangles and squares. Misa believed that to be a re-creation of the computer panel in the headquarters.
Misa's heart contracted as she saw Light walking towards her. He looked as handsome as she first saw him in the café. But there was more.
His orbs. His charming orbs. There was a lively spark which Misa could not describe. She had never seen it, not even during the years Light ruled as Kira.
'How are you, Misa?' Light asked with a dazzling smile, 'come sit down. Help yourself with tea and strawberry scone.'
Misa was astonished. It had always been her to initiate a conversation. Strange. She sat on the cushion anyway.
Light passed her tea and scone.
'Thank you Raito,' Misa smiled and received the piece of drawing. The tea and scone looked terrifyingly real.
'Don't thank me. Thank L,' Light dismissed and looked at his left side lovingly, 'L reminds me to prepare you treats.'
Misa looked at how Light kissed the air. He led nobody towards the table. His arm floated in the air.
'L has something to tell you,' Light beamed radiantly and beckoned at the empty seat next to him.
Moments of silence were really difficult for Misa. She did not know where to look, and yes, look, not stare. If she stared, Light would frown and scold her for not respecting L. The truth was, it had been four years. Misa could barely remember how tall L was when he crouched, not to mention where his unreadable eyes were. Fake nods were harder, if possible. Misa could merely guess when the appropriate time would be. And sometimes perhaps she should not nod. She should have acted in a different way.
Misa tried to act as if she was listening to L attentively. She stole glances at Light. She would mirror his mood. He was smiling, looking at the vacant seat next to him. He nodded fervently. Misa decided that she would pretend that she's listening to L's recent breakthrough in a case. She smiled and nodded appreciatively.
Misa excelled in acting. Acting without a context and acting with an imaginary person were the two gravest challenges to an actor. And currently she was doing both.
The silence was exceptionally long today. Misa was unsettled the longer the hush, the greater the risk of failing to act 'properly'. She could feel her pretend muse fading away. The muscles of her face were numb. She could hardly hold up her fake smile. She knew her 'looking' was becoming 'staring'.
'Misa?' Light called softly.
'Raito?' Misa was slightly started. She hoped Light did not detect that.
'Answer L's question,' Light ordered, 'or you aren't listening at all?'
A brief moment of silence with Light's sideways glance, Light's dissatisfied expression faded.
'L's right,' Light sighed, 'sorry Misa. I overreacted. I should be polite. Can you answer L's question please?'
'I forgot his question,' Misa grimaced. She almost failed to cover for not knowing.
'He asked you what a wedding was like,' Light repeated.
Misa almost blurted out a question. Why would someone with no regard to formalities be curious all of a sudden? She pulled herself together. 'Misa should not overthink,' she thought.
'I'm afraid I dunno,' Misa grimaced.
Light looked at the empty seat again. Misa immediately mirrored him.
'I dunno you value Misa this much, Panda-chan,' Light expressed his astonishment and turned to look at Misa.
Light may be gazing at Misa pleadingly, but that glint of unusual spark grew stronger. Misa could tell Light was happy, genuinely happy. She was perplexed and overwhelmed by this glow. What was it that made Light so happy? She loved the fact that Light was happy. But at the same time, she could not accept that an imaginary person, and definitely not an imaginary L, was the root of Light's fortune.
'Relax Misa. You must be exhausted,' Misa calmed herself mentally and exhaled.
'Please what?'
'Please be L's maid of honour.'
Misa could not breathe. If she were not sitting, she'd have fallen. Her head felt as heavy as lead. Her vision blurred.
But she could still see the spark, the vitality in Light's orbs.
Misa lost control. Tears fell involuntarily. She could not feel her limbs Nausea, dizziness and headache all attacked her at once. She forcefully shut her eyes. Darkness swirled in front of her. Some sharp objects were stabbing her head. She wondered why there was no blood. She was nauseous at Light's voice.
The scene just now would not go away. She saw it and heard it over and over. The piercing agony in her brain compounded. Phantom pain. Physical agony. Mental torment.
'Please be L's maid of honour.'
A blood curdling wail.
Misa burst.
Her scream wasn't loud. Her voice broke because of the intensity. She felt as if her throat was slit.
'Misa, are you alright?' Misa didn't realise Light was by her side, supporting her feeble body.
'Why?' Misa faltered weakly. Her face was covered by tears, 'why, Raito?'
'Why what?'
'Why are you genuinely happy because of a dead person?'
Light's brows furrowed, 'a dead person? I'm marrying L. L is just as alive as we are. Can't you feel his arms around your waist now? Can't you hear his shallow breath?'
Misa sneered and shook her head, 'Raito, L's dead. L does not exist any more.'
'Yes, L's right. You must be very ill, Misa. Don't talk,' Light patted Misa's head, 'we'll get Misa to the hospital,' Light looked at his right side with conviction.
'Tell me Raito,' Misa gazed into Light's orbs intensely and sobbed, 'why are you genuinely happy?'
'That's not the time Misa. You're very sic–'
'Tell me Raito,' her voice was feathery faint.
Light felt that he must answer her. That look. That hint of incurable sorrow and burning depression.
'Because I love L and L loves me,' tears fell from Light's eyes.
'You're crying, Raito,' Misa stated tenderly. Her face was white.
'Misa, please, don't die,' Light rested his head on Misa's.
'Why do I lose to a dead person?' Misa chuckled in defeat.
Misa closed her eyes to scrutinise the peculiar sound. Oh, the funeral bells. Her eyes fluttered open to fully utilise her last moments.
L was there, on Light's right side. He looked at Misa with immense concern.
'Misa-chan, don't die,' Misa was astounded by the worry in L's voice, 'I promise you can go on a date with Raito-kun.'
Misa smiled weakly. The two pairs of teary eyes met, 'L is very kind. Misa lost. Only L can make Raito genuinely happy.' Misa winced at the thought. She felt Light's embrace tightened around her.
'Raito, please be happy with L,' she smiled as her final drop of tear dropped on the back of Light's hand, 'I wish you could be genuinely happy.'
And Light could not be genuinely happy.
Misa's blessing jabbed right through Light's happiness. He said the same thing before.
'Everyone, the shiniga –'
L's wide eyes widened in utter astonishment. His hands clutched at his beating heart. Gazing into Light's frenzied orbs. L asked Light to come closer. No matter how hard L gasped for air, none could enter his shutting down body. Through L's malfunctioning vision, he could outline Light kneeling down next to him, holding his paralysed body.
'I wish you could be genuinely happy, Raito.'
And L's orbs lost their glow. That brilliant brain of his shut down, completely, eternally.
L lost.
So did Kira, now Light remembered.
Tears beat Light's palm ruthlessly. It reminded him of the conversation with L in the rain.
The funeral bells were pulled by him.
Light did not have the courage to open his eyes. Reality was simply overwhelmingly merciless. He did not remember how long he had lived in the fantasy world he created for himself. But that was beside the point.
What hurt the most was that, Panda-chan's love for Raito never existed.
It was purely his imagination. And L probably solely held loathe towards him, Yagami Raito, Kira, the mass murderer, the one to end L's life.
He wanted to bang his head on the wall. It'd be better if he could smash his skull since it may result in two favourable situations. One, he could finish himself off. Or two, he could hallucinate due to excessive blood loss. Certainly Light knew his attempt was in vain. All walls of mental hospitals were padded. How ruthless. One was only allowed to rot with his insanity. Or in his case, worse, sanity.
Light opened his eyes to scrutinise his ward. When he was insane, he attempted to re-create the headquarters. That's a very reasonable thing to do, in Light's opinion. There he met L. And the happiest memories, real memories, happened there.
Never in his life had Light envisioned himself to be this pathetic. No, being defeated by L's successor was humiliating. No, stuck in a mental hospital was sad. What truly pathetic was that, he prayed that he could be mad – that he could still hallucinate. Because the thought of L leaving him, no, L had never been with him, the thought of not being with L, was excruciating. Light figured out how genuine despair felt like.
Genuine despair felt extremely familiar. It felt like – sanity – like how he had always felt.
Until he went nuts. Insanity was soothing. The hallucination of being with L, of being in love, of loving, was Light's peace. For once in his life, Light had been happy.
But this happiness was not real.
Light wondered how L felt when he said that he wished Light could be genuinely happy. Perhaps he had known all along that genuine happiness could never be bestowed upon a murderer. Perhaps L himself had never found genuine happiness.
Anyway, real or not, Light could never be happy again. He was condemned by sanity. His life would be shadowed by L's death and his unrequited love for the detective he killed. The theme of the rest of Yagami Raito's life was guilt and remorse. How enthralling.
Ring. Ring. Ring.
Light's face brightened. His heart leapt with giddiness.
So that was the sound of the funeral bells. How pleasant.
Light wondered how he would die. He'd be pleased if he could die of heart attack. He lay down next to Misa. He knew she'd be pleased that he died next to her. She deserved this much of tribute from him. He straightened himself and shut his eyes. Yagami Raito was ready to meet his end.
'I could not leave you alone, Raito. I'll stay with you until the very end.'
Light abruptly opened his eyes. L was lying next to him, holding his hand.
'Until death do us part, Panda-chan,' Light sighed, 'I'll descend into nothingness.'
'We'll get married in nothingness,' L replied offhandedly, 'and Misa will be my maid of honour.'
Light was rendered speechless.
'Please be ready, Raito,' L held his hand tighter, 'I can assure you dying of heart attack is quite painful. It's like a dentist ripping your molar off. I've reasoned with Ryuk but he refused to get you something more comfy.'
Light could feel someone pulling off his heart. His grip on L's hand tightened.
Pitch black.
'Raito-kun,' L lightly poked Light, hunching over to scrutinise the boy.
No response, as expected.
'Raito-kun,' each and every syllable was prolonged. L sighed and pursed his lips.
For the first time, L did not have to shout at his ear. Light opened his eyes sluggishly and straightened himself. Looking around, Light was confronted by a pair of panda eyes.
'Panda-chan.' Light pulled L into his embrace. 'I haven't said to you, the real you I mean,' Light cried with agitation, 'I love you. I really do.'
'Raito –' L faltered, his arms snaked around Light, 'L Lawliet loves Yagami Raito too.'
Perhaps after all, sanity was not a curse. It was the first time to hear L, the real L, even, to confess his love for Light.
Now he felt it. Yagami Raito was genuinely happy with L Lawliet.