Quick notes:
*Stars indicate sound effects*
{Brackets indicate thought}
Disclaimer: No i do not own Neon Genesis Evangelion or any of its characters.
Quick Warning: This fic could possibly contain a teency bit of graphic content...(Due to over-reading of "Garden of Eva.")...And some coarse language...(Due to fanfic reading, and my twisted head.) ...somtimes it might suffer from stupidity...(Due to the story being a parody.)
Show Me the Money
Written By Chibi_Chichiri aka Chichiri
*Beep, Beep, Beep*
A tired and half awake Misato, emerged from her blanket, and took a gander at her alarm clock. "Dammit, 6 A.M. already?!"
She was sleepy, grumpy, and plain just didn't want to go to work. You would think she didn't have the patience to deal with anything right now. Still a bit woozy, Misato made her way out the door and to the kitchen table.
Asuka was already there, happily eating her breakfast, while Shinji was cooking at the stove.
"Good morning, Misato." Shinji greeted his gaurdian, while making some sandwiches for his and Asuka's lunch.
Misato just shot Shinji an irritated look, and went over to get a beer. "Yea...whatever Shinji."
She popped the can and took a swig.
Asuka took one last bite if her food, and smiled gleefully.
"Well....Anyway, I'm just gonna tell you guys that I'm gonna have the greatest day today!!" she boasted. "Today is Hikari's picnic at the lake, and EVERYONE is gonna be there!!"
"Oh, really..." interrupted Shinji.
"Yea...too bad you and your two friends can't come." Asuka smiled triumphantly. "Hikari specifically said, no _dorks_ allowed."
"Oh no...that's just not fair...and I was looking forward to it too." Shinji said flatly. He walked to the freezer and pulled out a small carton of raw squid. {Stupid bitch.}
Asuka grinned and stuffed her face with another piece of bread."Looks like your gonna have to find something else to do, Shinji."
"Oh well....I guess I can manage." Shinji smirked and opened the frozen carton of uncooked squid...{Lets see if she'll like this...} and secretly dumped it into one of the lunchbags.
The lunchbag also had Asuka written on it.
I wonder whose that was...
Misato put her beer down, and burped. Then quickly put it back up to her mouth for another drink.
"So sorry you can't go Shinji... I'll make sure to bring you home some food in a doggie bag..." Asuka grinned again.{I love doing this...}
Shinji added another squid to the pink lunchbag.
Asuka got up and headed for the door, grabbing the lunch along the way.
"Just don't stay in the sun too long, Asuka..." Shinji smirked.
"Oh yea...almost forgot.." Asuka quickly, grabbed the sunblock from the kitchen table, as she headed back to the door. "Thanks Shinji."
"That wasn't what I meant..." Shinji quietly said to himself.
"Stop right there Asuka." Misato barked. "You're not going anywhere either."
Asuka stopped dead in her tracks, and walked back to the kitchen....Well...it was more of 'stomping back to the kitchen.'
"WHAT?!?!"
"You heard me. Sync tests today, Asuka....Sorry...No go." Misato answered, taking another beer out of the freezer.
The furious redhead did nothing but stammer back to the gaurdaian. "But...But..But..."
"Asuka, don't try to argue. I'm tired, sleepy, have a huge headache, and feel bloated. So please....Don't FUCK with me!!" she quickly calmed down, took another sip of her beer and dropped the empty can on the floor.
"That time of month again, eh Misato?" Shinji laughed. Admiring his over-used, but clever joke.
Misato looked at Shinji in a, "You have got to be kidding me" sort of way, and popped open a new beer can.
He soon stopped laughing, and tried to make a run for his room...{Oh Shit...I am so dead...}
As soon as he reached the hallway, he was knocked to the ground, as an array of empty beer cans came flying from the kitchen, and pelted him violently.
Asuka looked at the knocked-out Shinji at the doorway of the kitchen.{What a dumbass...}
Then remebered about not being able to go to the party, and ran to her room screaming a bunch of German curses.
Misato dusted her hands off, and picked up her beer can.
"My salary really doesnt cover this stuff..."
"No shit." Shinji manage to blurt out under a pile of beer cans.
Misato put her beer down and got up from her seat. Then walked towards the fallen Ikari.
Shinji looked up at the very angry Misato from beneath the cans.{Uh oh....}
~~~
15 minutes later...
"I still don't get why we don't get payed for this crap!!" Asuka whined.
All three of them were in the car, going to NERV headquarters. Asuka had taken the front seat next to Misato, while Shinji was in the back, tending to his black eye, missing teeth, sprained wrist, bruised arm and uncontrolable neck spasms that occur every 3-5 seconds or so.
"Because NERV provides you with everything you need now!" an irritated Misato yelled back.
"Hmphh..." The redhead crossed her arms and pouted. "But its not fair!!...What about you guys!! You get paid!!"
"Well...its becuase we're adults and we can actually _HANDLE_ our money responsibly!!"
"That's why you spend 90 percent of your paycheck on beer, right?" Asuka muttered under her breath.
"WHAT WAS THAT?" Misato screamed, carelessly taking her eyes off the road and running over a couple of pedestrians.
"Nothing." Asuka turned away from Misato, and faced the opposite way...looking out the window.
"Thats what I thought." Misato turned her head back to driving.
The feeble Shinji decided to start talking again. "Misato?"
"Yes?!?" the pissed-off guardian yelled, turning to Shinji....and leaving her view of the road again.
"I think *spasm* that..." Shinji started.
Three men in business suits screamed like little girls when they were promptly made into roadkill when Misato's car quickly ran over them.
"What?!?!"
Misato still was still unaware of why taking your eyes off the road is a bad thing.
"You should...*spasm*"
A class of 3rd graders jumped out of the road, as their teacher was crushed into tiny bits, because of 'contact' with Misato's car tires.
"Dammit Shinji, stop spazzing out so you can talk straight!!" ordered Misato.
A group of monks cried as they were embedded into the road, as Misato's car just sped by.
"Sorry.." Shinji apologized, as he watched the havok Misato's car had been causing.
He tried to restart his sentence as he saw an old lady with a walker, hit the car bumper, and fly off the windshield.
{Here Goes..} "I think that *spasm* you should start watching the road *spasm* and concentrate on your driving, *spasm* or else you're gona end up *spasm* running over everyone in Tokyo-3!!!!.....*spasm*" And exhausted Shinji started panting, from all the excertion and spasing out.
A shocked Misato blinked a couple of times, and then answered back. "Ok..."
Just as she turned back to her driving, she missed seeing the fat guy in the Pikachu costume roll off the windshield.
Asuka turned her attention from out the window, to Shinji.
Then her face lit up, like she was hit with a brilliant idea.
She smirked and faced Shinji. "What a Spaz!"
(HaHa...terrible pun....o well...just live with it...=P)
~~~
Meanwhile...At the NERV HQ...
Two women are seen in Dr. Akagi's office.
"Oh Ritsuko!!!" wailed Maya, in her most 'sensual' voice.
Maya was leaned over forwards, on Ritsuko's desk, and handcuffed to a drawer with her pants pulled down to her ankles. Ritsuko stood an armswidth away from her, dressed in a really tight, black leather outfit, holding a whip in one hand, and a bottle of whipped cream in the other.
"Tisk, Tisk, Tisk, you've been a bad girl Maya...." Ritsuko said, shaking her head. "I guess I'll have to punish you!!"
She snapped her whip, and shook the can of whipped cream violently.
"Oh please punish me!! I deserve it!!" Maya whimpered.
"Well then...I guess I am going to have to teach you a lesson.." Ritsuko squirted the whipped cream all over Maya's ass, and pulled her whip into a ready position, when....
*Ring.....Ring.....Ring*
"Damn it..."
Ritsuko pulled out the phone from underneath Maya's belly, and picked up the reciever.
"Dr. Akagi speaking......Yes.....That would be today, sir......Yes.....What?......another kid?......Did you inform Misato of this?....No.....ok....yes sir....bye."
Ritsuko hung up the reciever, and slid the phone back under Maya's belly.
"What happend?"
"Ikari has another Eva pilot for us..."
"Oh...ok"
"No where were we?"
"You were about to hit me that whip, doctor."
"Oh....yea..."
Ritsuko pulled back the whip, and....
Sorry, not getting too graphic here...I don't think I want to write a lemon.....yet. ^_~
~~~
"But you guys get paid!!! You guys sit on your asses all day, bark out orders, and get paid!!!...While we do all the work, kill the angels, and don't get shit!!"
Asuka apparantly had still been arguing about the "money problem."
"Get paid?!?!? Yea, they pay us!! But they use about 3 percent of NERV's funding from the U.N. a year, for our paychecks!!! "
"Well...at least you get paid..."
The car had been quiet for about 30 more seconds, until Shinji broke the silence.
"What does NERV do with the other 97%?"
Misato thought about it...and started her answer.
"Lets see...about 50 percent goes to repairing and maintenance of the Evas and buildings...0.00001 percent goes for repairing broken facilities in the restrooms..."
{Thats why those toilets never flush...} Asuka started having certain flashbacks of using one of the facilities at the NERV headquarters.
"Hmmmm...5.99999 goes for all other miscellaneous stuff that I forgot....but I really don't know where the other 40% goes to..." Misato wondered, scratching her head.
~~~
Elsewhere...Somewhere deep beneath the NERV HQ...
Commander Ikari is seen in a huge clone lab, frantically pushing and pulling a large lever.
Suddenly, a computer voice announced a message over the loudspeaker in the clonelab...
"ATTENTION: Rei Meter has reached to [10,000,000] mark."
"MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!...." The commander laughed uncontrolably, as more and more naked Rei's popped out of a really big machine, with every push and pull of the "MAKE MORE REI" lever.
Suddenly, a pair of Rei walked towards the super-hyper Commander, each holding a tray of lemonade, and caviar, while dressed in nothing but silk undergarments from a Victoria Secret store.
"Here are your refreshments, my Commander Ikari, honey-muffin." The Rei's announced in unison.
The Commander blushed, as he let go of the lever, and drank the lemonade.
"Thank you." he replied, setting the glass back down on the tray.
"No...thank you Mr. Ikari. We shall see you later in your office." the Rei's smiled, winked, and ran back out the door they came from.
The commander looked at the lever, the big clone machine, the door the rei's exited through, back to the lever, and then grinned mischievously.
"MWAHAHAHA!!!...YES! YES! YES!" the commander shrieked, as he went back to his pushing and pulling.
~~~
Katsaguri's car slammed up against a fire hydrant and parked right in front of Rei's apartment.
Misato turned around towards the two children in the car."Ok...Now who's going to pickup Rei from her apartment?"
Asuka immediately recoiled once she heard the words, 'pickup,' 'Rei,' and apartment.' "Not me!!...I am NOT going into that hellhole!!"
Misato turned towards Shinji.
"Well....I dunno..." Shinji mumbled.
"Why don't you go Misato?!?!?" Asuka retaliated. "Your the one who wants her to pick her up!!!"
"I would Asuka....But as you can see...I'm parked in front of a fire hydrant!!!!...If a police officer finds the car here without a driver, he'll give us a ticket!!!"
"Then why don't you park somewhere else, Ms. Rocket Scientist."
"This is the closest parking space, and this is the only one left!!"
"No it isn't." Asuka ponts to a parking space right in front of the car.
"That's a handicapped zone!! See the blue lines!!"
"Then cover them or somethin..." Asuka muttered. And soon points to a can of black paint on the sidewalk, and then to some fallen tree branches.
Misato's eyebrow starts twitching. "Asuka, you are really pissing me off!!! If one of you don't get out, I swear to god, I will ream you a new one!!!...Both of you!!!"
Shinji and Asuka sit their in shock, while white foam drips out of Misato's mouth and onto the dashboard.
"Fine....I'll go." Shinji silently gets out of the car and starts walking towards Rei's apartment.
"Hehe...good luck Shinji!!" Asuka yelled from inside the car.
He walked away and made sure he was far enough from the car befire he spoke again.
"Its really wierd how PMS can screw up a person...."
"I HEARD THAT!!!" Screamed a very angry Misato, waving a fist in the air. "You wait till you get back Shinji!!!"
With that said, Shinji quickly ran into the apartment, before Misato had the chance to throw something at him.
~~
Shinji glanced around him, and cringed in disgust, as he saw the grime covered walls,
and the disclored paint, that was peeling off the cieling.
"This sucks."
The young boy started his voyage down the hallway, and up the staircase.....To Rei's apartment.
~~
Meanwhile...Outside the Apartment.
The cruel sun beats down mercilessly on the citizens of Tokyo-3...in this case...Asuka and Misato.
"Umm...Misato, is it just me or is it really hot in here..." Asuka whined, while trying to block the sun out of her eyes.
Misato watched the sweat drip off her elbow and on to the seat."Well...maybe it is kinda hot..."
"Please, turn on the Air conditoning...I seriously cant take it anymore.." Asuka started fanning her face with her hand. "Or at least open a window..." {Why she installed these friggin power windows, I'll never know.}
"Umm...ok" Misato shoved the key into the slot and turned it.....nothing. She turned it again....nothing.
"Errr..." Misato started shaking nervously..."Asuka....having a problem here..."
"What?!?"
Misato kept on trying to turn on the engine."Car won't start.....Why won't it start?!?!"
"Well...maybe because YOU PARKED RIGHT INTO A FIRE HYDRANT!!!" Asuka screamed, pointing at the fire hydrant that was embedded into the hood of the car.
"Umm....oops." Misato gulped.
"Thats it...I'm getting out!!!" Asuka pulled the door handle and.....nothing. She started pulling it over and over. "WHAT?!?!?"
Misato looked nervously at Asuka. "Would this be a bad time to mention that I got one of the NERV technichians to install power locks for me last week?"
"NOOOO!!!!!" Asuka screamed. "How could you?!?!? Now we're both gonna die of heat, and suffocation!!" She started to pound at the window frantically.
Misato shook her companion back to reality. "Asuka...we have enough air for about an hour...I think...but by that time Shinji will have to get back from the apartment." Misato continued. "It can't take that long to fetch Rei....can it?"
"NO!!" Asuka pulled out a pint-sized pocket knife and started scraping away at the window. "I can't stay here for an hour!!!!" Asuka trying to scrape at the window with her knife, but sees she's getting no where. "Why won't it work?!?"
"Ummm...Asuka...What if I told you that..." Misato hesitated. "the techincians installed bullet-proof glass along with the locks...."
Asuka paused for a second, and let out a mind-boggling scream...one that would have made Shinji proud.
"This CAN'T get any worse!!!" Asuka shrieked.
Misato sniffled at the air a bit, as she looked akwardly at Asuka.
"Do you smell anything?"
"Smell what?" Asuka asked, claming down a bit.
"I think, I smell.......Squid."
"What?? How can you smell..." Asuka was interrupted as she was hit with the aroma of uncooked....squid." What the hell??"
"Where is it coming from...." Misato wondered.
"I dunno..." Asuka answered. "Didn't Shinji take out a box of squid this morning?"
Suddenly, Asuka remembered Shinji's remark from that morning...
"Just don't stay in the sun too long, Asuka..." Shinji had warned.
{No....you didn't!!!}
Asuka pulled out the lunchbag she picked up this morning.
{You couldn't have!!!...}
And opened it...
{No....}
"SHINJI!!!!!! YOU ASSHOLE!!!!!" screamed a 'slightly ticked-off' Asuka, as she dropped the lunchbag full of squid on the floor.
~~
Back in the Apartment...
Shinji stopped in his dead in his tracks....and then conintued walking down the hall.
{I swear, I could have heard my name just then....}
He finally reached the the front door of Rei's dreaded apartment. Shinji slowly stepped into the room and took off his shoes. He tiptoed his way down the dark hallway, as he hopped over the pile of used bandages on the floor....but then landed in a pile of broken glass.
"Oh Shit!!!" Shinji yelled as he slipped and slammed his forehead into the wall. "Dammit why can't Rei clean up once in a while..."
He got up again and walked towards her bedroom...ignoring a huge rat, that was the size of a small dog, which scurried across the floor.
He looked around the room, but find there was no Rei...He looked into the dark bathroom...still no Rei.
"Hehe...No Rei.." Shinji laughed, as he started goin through Rei's drawers.
~~~
"Asuka...there is no use."
"Yes there is...." Asuka replied, as she kept smashing her knife blade against the glass. "Dammit!!"
Misato just looked at her "near-psychotic" roomate, and put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "Its gonna be alright, Asuka."
Asuka stopped, and turned towards Misato. "No its not!!!!" Asuka started. "We're locked in a hot and stuffy car, with a limited supply of oxygen, and it smells like squid in here!!! How can you say its gonna be alright!!!"
Misato thought about it for a couple of second. "Well...I guess you're right."
"Yes. I know!!" Asuka went back to hacking away at the window.
"By the way...I have a question."
"What?!" Asuka dropped her knife, and leaned back in her seat...exhausted from her work.
"Why the hell do you carry a knife with you, anyway?" Misato asked.
"A beautiful girl like me, needs protection you know..." the redhead grinned. "Works especially good on old boyfriends."
Misato pauses at what Asuka just said, and starts getting mental images...of herself, Kaji, Asuka's pocket knife, and all three of those images put together, in a Lorena Bobbit-type situation.
"Hehe...I could use one of those..." She said as she lost herself in thoughts about, how it would be like to see a dickless Kaji, and how great it would be to see him without that damn smile on his face...
*Screen gets all wobbly, as Misato enters "dream faze"*
Misato and Kaji are seen in a street corner, next to a Ramen restaurant.
Kaji (in a very high pitched voice): Hey Katsuaragi, hows it goin?
Misato(grinning): I've been doing fine...but I don't know about you...Not being able to use the ONLY part of your body that is actually good for anything...
Kaji: I know...Its not fair!!....Its not my fault that Ritsuko got pissed at me for banging Maya!! (Has flashbacks of Ritsuko with a larger butcher knife, and remembers what she did with it...^_~)
Misato shot him a disgusted look. Which then turned into an ear-to-ear smile.
Misato: Well....sucks for you....maybe you can get a job as a priest...(gets into really awesome looking sports car)
Kaji(grins): Wait it is still good for something!!!! (pulls out his dismembered "appendage" out of his pocket, and stuffs it into the car muffler, just as Misato starts the engine)
Misato(shocked): What the hell??? (watches car bob up and down, until the engine blows out)
Kaji: HaHaHaHa!!...(Runs away from Misato laughing ass off)
"NOOOO!!!!" Misato screams, as she drifts away her daydream.
"No, what?" A confused redhead asked.
"Oh....er....um....Nothing..." Misato took a deep breath and turned towards her window. {That was totally fucked up!!!}
~~~
Ok...Back to the apartment again...
Shinji was still rummaging through Rei's personal stuff...except now, he had her bra around his head, and a couple of her panites sticking out of her pockets..
"Heehee...Who needs Asuka when you've got Rei...." Shinji laughed synically as he moved from her cabinet to her closet.
"Ahhh....her closet..." Shinji said in awe, as he began to pull the closet doors open.
As he opened the doors, he flopped to the floor, as tons of photos and pictures piled on top of the poor Shinji.
"Ackk!!" after a few seconds, he mananged to get out of the massive pile of pictures, and stood back up. But he soon fell down again, in shock, when he found out who the person was, in all the photos.
"What the hell!??!...NOOOO!!!" He screamed, as he picked up a photo with Gendou in swimming trunks, and tore it up.
He ripped up another one with Gendou in a samurai outfit.
And another one with Gendou in a plug suit.
And one with Gendou in a "Got Milk?" advertisement.
And one with Gendou in a string bikini.
And one with Gendou in a pink kimono.
And one with....
~~~
15 minutes later, a young Shinji Ikari sat in a huge pile of torn "Gendou pictures."
He was about to tear up the last photo...when he realized it wasn't Gendou.
It was himself...smiling at the camera, holding up the "V" sign.
This had all been very shocking...First seeing all those Gendou pictures...and then seeing one of him. Shinji really did not know what this all had meant...
{Wow...she actually has a picture of mine...)
Shinji looked at the picture once more, and placed it on the dresser...along with the bra and panties...then walked out of the room.
On his way to the door he tripped over the torn up pictures and fell into another pile of broken glass.
"Shit..."
-------------------------------
Ok I'm done for now. . So how'd you like it? Hehe, I started this fic l almost a year ago but never really did anything with it.(I just found it somewhere lying aorund in my hard drive and decided to post it up =P) I might be continuing it if i have some spare time, since i got some new ideas for it^_~. Yea, the title sounds akward for the moment, but once it gets to the actual plot of the story you'll see that the title is relavent.^_^
Laters... Comments, criticism, and flames always appreciated.