Monster Of The Fic: The Maid's Tale
Chapter 1
"You bunch of freaks have got to help me."
That's what Cordelia said as she entered the Sunnydale High School library, wearing something blindingly tasteful and in the absolutely latest style.
"Speaking for myself, I am overwhelmed with the desire to help," Xander said turning around in his chair. "No, wait. I'm wrong. That's something I ate."
Willow gave him a well deserved "ewww" face.
"If I need my lawn mowed, badly, I'll call you. Now, you can go back to being useless. For this I need the freakishly smart and the freakishly strong," Cordy said turning to Giles, Willow, and Buffy.
"Gee, I'm so sorry I can't help you out with my freakishness, Cordy. I have to go file my nails," Buffy said and got ready to leave.
"Your nails do need the attention. Desperately. But a manicure - much like plastic surgery and cleaning the toilet - is not a do it yourself project. Get professional help," Cordy told her in her 'I am being monstrously cruel for your own good' kind of way.
Buffy looked like she was about to say something back, but then she looked at her nails and just looked sad.
"Maybe if you were nicer, people would be more eager to help you," Willow pointed out.
"Nice is for losers," Cordelia said as she stared right at Willow. "So what's the procedure? Do I fill out a form?"
"How about you just go back to whatever hell boutique spawned you, you ungodly mannequin," Xander said to her and made a cross with his fingers in her direction.
Xander's finger cross had no effect. Cordy was still there.
"You try fighting demons and keeping your nails perfect," Buffy said with an accusing side glance at Giles like the condition of her nails was his fault.
"Looking good is not a right, it's an obligation, Buffy. I have to make myself look extra stunningly gorgeous just to make up for slobs like those." Here, Cordelia pointed to Willow and Xander and got Giles in the sweep of her hand, but it's doubtful that she even had a place in her fashion continuum for someone so tweed bedecked. "Buffy, if you don't hold up your end, and at least look presentable, I'm going to need another hour in front of the mirror. I'll have to get up at 5 A.M. because you have ragged nails. Can you live with that?"
"Yes," Buffy said as she started to chew on one cracked nail.
Cordy slapped her hand down. Buffy looked for a second like she might rip her arm off. Cordy didn't notice.
"If we listen to you, will you go away?" Giles finally asked seeing that Cordelia's visit had gone from annoying to potentially violence inducing.
"As quickly as humanly possible," Cordy agreed looking around the library with disgust.
"Go on," Giles said as he sat down tiredly.
"Our maid refuses to come to work," Cordy stated.
"Oh, you are kidding me," Xander said and dropped his head on the desk.
"How is this even remotely in the paranormal domain?" Giles asked looking more tired by the second.
Cordy took a good breath and proceeded to tell him exactly how this was not of the normal.
"Well, she refuses to come out of her pitifully undersized house. She has holed herself up in her bedroom with a year's supply of Cornflakes and Gatorade. She has a weird bird thing painted on all her windows and doors. And she's wearing a smelly doohickey around her neck that looks like a tiny, shriveled bat head necklace. Gross and tacky. Every time she speaks, she recites this weird little poem before she says anything and after she says anything. And Mom offered to double what we are paying her, and she still refused to come back. We are living in filth. I am running out of clean towels, and our refrigerator veggie bins haven't been scrubbed in three days."
"Umm, veggie bins aside, this kind of does sound like our kind of thing," Willow said to the others.
"Either that or working at the Chase manse for the Chase clan has Chased the poor woman completely and utterly out of her freaking mind," Xander offered.
"Those are two valid theories. I would like to see these bird paintings for myself and perhaps speak to the woman," Giles said.
"I'm not sure she speaks English," Cordy told them as she prepared to lead the way to the house of her wayward maid.
To be continued...