Disclaimer: Do not own. Title is from a Erica Funkhouser poem.
studied until i d e n t i f i e d
It takes him two years to realize. Or sort of. He still hasn't got it figured out entirely, which is stupid because by now he's been working with them for god knows how many years and he feels like he already knows but just hasn't understood yet.
He talked about it once with Breda who gave him a shrug and a so what? it doesn't matter and he wanted to sock Breda in the face right there for that one because it does or it should and he knows that.
(instead he buys breda another beer and they both look at each other in that awkward way where they know they've reached the same conclusion but aren't going to spill so instead they get plastered because that's the way it works)
He considered asking Feury and Falman for half a second, but he thinks he would just confuse Feury and Falman… Falman knows dates and facts but he doesn't think you can assign an event to this to memorize.
(or maybe he's scared that falman will just tell him point blank: yes, they've known each other for this long, rambleshit and it won't explain a thing, not in the way he wants, but it'll explain enough that the mystery is gone and forget that)
So in the end he talks to Hughes, but it's not really the end it's more of the beginning or maybe partway through the middle, because it's when he talks to Hughes that he realizes and then he talks to Breda and life is circular or some shit like that.
The thing with the talk with Hughes is that he can't remember why it happened or even where it happened or why he was even with Hughes but he remembers that he wasn't smoking but he wanted to and Hughes was talking about his wife and he wasn't really paying attention but was still nodding along or something because that's the way it is with Hughes.
(he once went to hughes grave, nobody else just him, and kind of stood around stupid like and thought that it didn't make him feel a lick better because you can't really nod along to a conversation with a stone marker, and later he thought he should have brought flowers but he didn't and he doesn't have the heart to go again)
And somewhere along the line he just kind of blabbered something out without thinking i used to think hawkeye was really hot and Hughes gave him that whole wait, what? look so he had to backtrack with a i mean, it was just for like a second, not that i don't think she's good looking, it's just that then i saw her with mustang and i don't know why but she was just off limits, you know like another guy's girl, and now i work with her so it would be weird to think of her like that…
He didn't think he was making any sense, and he kept on laughing that stupid nervous laugh when he's revealed more than he wanted and he has to pretend like it just doesn't matter. But Hughes was giving him a look, and there was a little touch of a bing! eureka moment and he knew that there's some truth in his words that he just hasn't discovered yet.
It isn't until a week later that he starts to unravel it.
(but really he always knew)
It's one of those days in the office where everybody is doing their best impression of doing something while actually doing nothing at all. Breda is the best at it (because he is also the best at doing nothing while actually doing something) but he's ok at it too except after a while he starts counting ceiling tiles and his cigarette butt falls in a messy ash heap and it becomes super obvious that he's doing nothing.
So anyway.
This time, though, he stops counting ceiling tiles long enough to notice Mustang whisper something to Hawkeye, he can't hear what, and Mustang's not doing his aren't-i-charming-it's-ok-if-you-think-i'm-great smirk and Hawkeye's not doing her usual not-smile-but-not-not-smile where her eyes roll up a little thing and it's weird in a i-don't-think-they-realize-that-they're-not-alone way.
And he turns away but he thinks that as far back as his horizon of knowing them goes, they came together except for maybe that split second when he thought Hawkeye was hot. They weren't assembled like the rest of the crew, picked up pieces here and there, first Hughes who goes back far enough but not far enough that it isn't spoken about, then him with Breda shuffled in closely after, then Falman, and finally Feury and he never thought about it until then.
(and then he tries to think about mustang without hawkeye and vice versa, but it freaks him out and for the rest of the day the office becomes surreal and he doesn't think too hard about it ever again)
(the thought still stays in the back of his mind though)
It's somewhere in between his seventh and eighth drink with Breda that he says i think they are lovers. or were. or some shit like that and Breda laughs except it's more like darkly chuckles because that's how Breda laughs and repeats why do you care? and he wants to say because it should matter but he's too busy laughing with Breda and he knows that isn't the right answer anyway but it feels close.
(why do you care? why does it matter? but it should, but it should, but he doesn't have the answer yet)
The morning after he goes to work and he smokes and counts ceiling tiles, Breda does his best impression of doing something while actually doing nothing (or is the other way around?), Feury looks confused and can't hide it, Falman memorizes dates and facts but somehow misses the situation, Mustang does his aren't-i-charming-it's-ok-if-you-think-i'm-great smirk and Hawkeye does her not-smile-but-not-not-smile where her eyes roll up a little thing and he suddenly think it's all kind of sad but he doesn't know why.
(he's so close)
A/N: This has been sitting around in my computer forever. I initially tried to make this idea into a comedy story but it turned out into this instead. Whoops. I didn't spend that much time editing it, but figured that it was ok enought to post. Hope it makes some sort of sense to somebody who is not me!