Author's note: Second fanfic in English (Portuguese fandon is quite dead you know). Grammar and spelling corrections are more then welcome!
Also, this fanfic contains mentions of yaoi (boys love) and abuse. Don't like it? Don't read.
The music is called "Hell Yeah", from "Apulanta". I think is appropriated, even if I have never heard of this band before.
Here we go...
Twist the Blade
-x-
I don't know when all of this started. You know I was never one to pay attention to details.
The images keep changing, broken mirrors trying to reflect what was gone. I don't know what happened. Don't have any idea why we end here. I just know I didn't change, then what?
The memories are still here. Cold walls, dark corridors. Pain, fear and humiliation.
Emptiness.
Time has stopped, I'm still locked up in that pathetic excuse we once called bedroom. I know I was abandoned long ago, but I'm still exactly were you left me.
Do you still have nightmares? Do you still wake up in the middle of the night, suffocated by the ghosts that damn Abbey gave us?
You used to hold into me with such strength. It hurt, ever drew blood but, somehow, that wasn't important.
I just wanted to see you asleep again. Somehow, I still do.
Maybe then you will wake up and everything will be okay again. Maybe we will come back to what, once, was our 'normal'.
But wishes never make any difference, right? I'm just another fool for trying. What I want doesn't matter. I even doubt if it did once.
Did you really consider me? Just once I was something other than a life jacket?
I think I dreamed with that one night. You hold into me so strong, it hurt so much that I thought everything was right again.
I wanted to believe...so damn much...
Taste the bile down in my throat
Be the flea I'll be your goat
Raining down from stars above
Endless streams of plastic love
But I woke up and everything was gone. I was back to the pathetic excuse I now call reality. Why? What changed?
I can't keep making these questions. Can't keep pretending I don't know the answers.
Cause I can't believe this was all for him. That is him who hugs you now. That is his blood that stains your hands when you have nightmares.
Yes. I know he isn't capable to stop then. He isn't capable of many things.
Understand and accept, for example.
Did you tell him you weren't ready? Or you just lowered your head again? Cause I heard your first time. If I'm not mistaken, I was ever the first to see the damage.
But you just raised your head and kept walking, denying me the chance to help, or ever stay by your side, sharing the burden in silence.
I will never understand your blind necessity to follow that stupid fake leadership. Damn it! You know he will lead you anywhere!
Unfortunately, you keep going. Stupid moth draw to the flame. Will you really get burned? Lost your wings for a power that, deep down you know, is as fake as can be?
Cause you know he won't win. You know words are all he has now. Cold and venous, but words anyway. His chance came and gone. The so wanted top is farther and farther away.
But you're still with him. Ever realizing the bottom closer and closer. I know you know, don't try denying.
Do you really want to take his fall?
Feel the core that's melting down
See the fools are wearing crowns
Twist the blade you sank in me
Sleep again with the enemy
There was a time when I would only trust in things I could see. Another time when reality and impossible blurred together. Until came the time when I saw what was only for me, and me alone.
That was our time.
Looks like a big deal, hun? A frail jewel to be protected, or a priceless treasure to be hided and guarded. But, like all the times in my life, that one meet this end too.
But it didn't die by my hands. Like I said, I didn't change.
You did.
Sometimes I think Boris was right all along. That a true warrior doesn't need emotions. If I hadn't any, I would not feel like this. It would not hurt so much. Maybe I wouldn't ever remember.
Ironic, isn't? When I didn't feel, you weren't with him. Now? Now I'm disgusted, seeing you lowering your head, giving him your claws in a silver plate like he is able to use them better then you.
Like you were not worth your own conquers.
You mess me up and shoot me down
But I'll go fighting
The dirty heads roll in the ground
But keep on biting
Who would have thought? In the end, all my disdain goes to the one I always admired. The one whose strength and innocence makes me wonder if I don't know Heaven already, if not beyond.
The one who awoke in panic countless nights, drawing my blood. The one who kept the team together for so many years.
The one who whispered to me the most forbidden words of the Abbey.
Recognize? I think so. You should.
But do you know what is harder to believe? It would sound funny, if it wasn't so bloody pathetic, but we both were happier when you deceived me, and I believed.
Now I'm free from your twisted prank, ready to see the world and its pranks – so alike, if not worse – you're the one trapped in an illusion this time.
Cause you know those hands will only get rougher and rougher. You know the want will not give place for passion, or even care.
Nobody will hold you at night. Not anymore.
The cloud is closing in my shade
The one that follows you just won't go away
Fear is in your eyes to stay
Who's to blame in the end of the day?
Hunt and hunter. Out of the blue, everything changes. Wolds crash and burn. We saw that first hand.
But I still have a last trick. An ace that will bring back the old taste of putting everything in the line. You were the one who introduce me, remember? In a dark corner like many others, thinking we will get caught at any second.
I want this felling again. And it has to be by your hands.
So, this stupid letter isn't just to throw all your mistakes in your face. It isn't to mourn what was lost. No, all this shit is to force you make a decision.
You taught me how to feel. Opened my chest little by little, coming through any obstacles I put in your way, reaching for my dusty and weak heart.
You also stabbed it without mercy or regret, letting me there to bleed in that old rotten room, his suffocating smell of sex, blood and tears.
But I'm stubborn. I'm still here.
I'm still as fucked up as you.
Time to rise up in the sky
Time to bridge those walls too high
Time to bring down the evil king
Time to feel this hovering
So, when you read this fuking letter, seated nicely in the sofa, close to the fireplace…
When you were trembling, refusing to believe that I – for all people – wrote all this, but unable to shake of the felling of knowing exactly where I'm gonna end…
When you pray for any god that gives the trouble of listening our pathetic excuses of pray, asking for something in this shit be worth it and that he finally realizes you prefer soft kisses then bites and hikeys…
...I will be out there. Sit in the snow and waiting for you. Covered by the white flakes, all blue lips and shaky hands, but still waiting.
Cause you sink the blade. Now I want you to twist it and finish the job.
But I told you I would give you a choice, didn't I? Not an order. I'm not him to give you orders.
So, here goes your option: to let me hug you at night. To let me give you the soft kisses you like so much. To whisper with me those forbidden words.
Since your IQ dropped several points in the last mouths, I will give you until the end of the day to decide. I strongly suggest you start thinking after breakfast since we both know how you get after skipping a meal, right?
Not that he knows, for a change.
Either way, at the end of the day, I won't be there anymore. Or maybe I will, if I don't find anything to do with my life. I don't know. I haven't known anything for a long time.
The next move is yours, Wolf.
You mess me up and shoot me down
But I'll go fighting
The dirty heads roll in the ground
But keep on biting
-x-
His hands trembled, making all more difficult for the tear glazed eyes. Thin lips parted, hopping to regain the long lost breath, but only let out a painful sob.
That was how Kai find Tala. Crying in silence on the sofa, close to the fireplace, a fist aid kit nearby. Intrigued, the phoenix came close, sitting by his side, enveloping the always so covered body of the redhead. Kai spare a glance to the blurry and crumpled sheets, not even trying to understand them.
His lips brushed the familiar neck. A question was made, without any emotion. Kai didn't want an answer.
It was just words.
Tired of seeing what he witness for the last three months, the boy turned and left, leaving the window from where he watched all day without being noticed. His bare feet sink in the snow and he paused, letting his mind enjoy the second of ease before he start walking. Freezing wind cut though his bare chest but he didn't care. He new he would not die for so little. No, the boy just wanted to fell.
Would this be the last time?
So the boy went, lost in thoughts that even the snow could not cover, not caring where his feet decided to take him. His footprints vanishing like the last bit of color: lavender.
You mess me up and shoot me down
But I'll go fighting
The dirty heads roll in the ground
But keep on biting