"Dean?"
The sound of that voice jolted him from his thoughts. It wasn't a voice he heard often these days. Castiel was spending most of his time topside, fighting the good fight, trying to restore order to the chaos that had been left by Michael's incarceration. Trying to get his attention lately had been next to impossible.
"Cas. Nice of you to drop in. Something I can do for you?" He tried to keep the sarcasm and, he hated to admit it, hurt out of his voice. He was still feeling the sting of both the Angel's abandonment and having Sam's return kept from him for so long. There had been two people he had been sure he could count on: Cas and Sammy. Unfortunately, both had recently let him down.
"Dean, I'm afraid that I may have made a terrible mistake and I am not sure how to rectify it." The sadness in his voice blew away any thoughts Dean may have had about throwing out a snarky comeback. Instead, he looked more closely at his friend, trying to grasp the full weight of what was apparently sitting on his shoulders.
The Angel looked tired. That alone was worrisome. Angel's didn't get tired. And Cas had been Mr. Energizer ever since he had received his Holy Upgrade, or whatever the Hell had been done to him. There were dark circles under his eyes and the look of sheer misery on his face ate at Dean's heart. He might have been upset with Castiel but he never wished this on him. No matter what else had happened between them, the Angel had been there when they needed him, had risked everything he was to fight by their side and he deserved a little compassion, at the least.
"Cas? You look like Hell… sit down… what's up?" He carefully set aside the newspaper articles that he had been reading over and made room for Castiel to sit on the side of the bed. Strangely, the Angel glanced at the bed, then back at him before shaking his head and beginning to pace back and forth in front of the bed.
"No. I think I'd rather stand. I'm not sure I should even be here. Maybe it would be best if I go."
He stood and walked to where his friend was pacing. Stepping in front of him, halting his stride, he placed his hand on the Angel's shoulder.
"Castiel, I don't know what the problem is but you know I'll try to help if I can. Tell me."
He braced himself to hear whatever Cas had to say. There was obviously something bad going down and, after avoiding an apocalypse, he couldn't even begin to imagine what could be next. Cas stood there, quietly, not resuming his pacing. His eyes went to the hand on his shoulder and Dean was surprised to see a tear escape and run down his cheek.
"I should never have gone back. It was a mistake." The voice was quiet but loud enough that Dean could hear the slight tremor that accompanied each word. He could feel that tremor through the overcoat that seemed to almost be a part of Cas. Again a wave of fear slipped through him at the Angel's anguish.
"Things aren't going well? Is Raph doing that much damage?" He was worried now. If Raphael won the war in Heaven there was no telling what the consequences would be. Not for humanity or for Castiel. Somehow he had the feeling that things wouldn't go very good for Cas if he lost.
"No… I mean, yes. I mean… " The Angel's eyes flicked quickly to the hand, still on his shoulder, and away again. "I mean, no they are not going well… but that's not what I am talking about."
Now Dean was beginning to think he was imagining things. He could almost swear that the Angel was blushing slightly. Before he could get a better look Cas pulled away from his touch and walked over to the bed. Slowly, he sank down, sitting heavily on the edge of the bed. Afraid to spook him, Dean walked over to the matching twin bed and sat down facing his friend.
"If it's not the war with Raph then what is it? Something is really doing a number on you. " Without thinking, he reached out and wiped the errant tear from Cas's face. Before he could take another breath the Angel's hand was around his wrist, stopping him as he began to bring his arm back to his side. For a moment everything seemed to freeze.
"That is not possible," Cas said, staring at the small drop of moisture on Dean's finger. "None of this makes any sense."
"Cas, it's just a tear. No big deal. Everyone gives in to them once in awhile. Nothing to be ashamed of." He slowly pulled against the restraining hand on his wrist, feeling the reluctance with which it was released.
"I know what it is Dean. I understand that my vessel is capable of producing such things but… it shouldn't happen. Not when I am in possession of it. Angels are not meant to weep. That would require feelings that we should not be experiencing… I should not be experiencing. That is exactly the problem."
"So, you're having feelings? Is that what this is all about?" He couldn't help the relief in his voice. There was no impending doom, no attack waiting around the corner. "Shouldn't be a big surprise Cas. You have spent a lot of time with us mere mortals. You were bound to get corrupted eventually."
"You don't understand." He watched as the angel hung his head, bangs falling forward to form a curtain in front of his eyes.
"I want to." He was surprised to find, as he said those words, that he did. He really wanted to understand. He had never been one to get too involved in the whole 'let's talk about our feelings' scene but this time was different. There was something going on here that he wanted desperately to understand.
"I should never have gone back. I know that now. But… it is too late to change things now."
He watched silently as another tear fell free and landed on the Angel's slacks. The moisture forming a darker spot on the black material seemed out of place somehow. Again his instincts took over where his head couldn't form an appropriate response. He reached out a hand, cupping Cas's chin, and gently lifted his head so that he could look into his eyes. In those eyes he saw more than just sadness. He was sure he was seeing both fear and longing, both of which only further confused him.
"Cas, it's never too late. If there is one thing Sam and I have learned over the years it's that nothing is final. There's always a way to change things, if you really want them to change."
"Not everything is that simple Dean. Sometimes, if you don't act when you have the chance, life moves on without you."
If he had been talking to anyone else he would have thought they were discussing a relationship. But, this was Cas, this wasn't just anyone. The Angel didn't have that kind of relationship with anyone… at least not that he knew of. He would know, wouldn't he? Could Cas have gotten involved with someone and not told him?
He thought back, trying to remember if there had been any signs of a budding relationship. Looking back, he thought he could kick himself for how insensitive he had been to his friend. He'd never even bothered to ask Cas if he had someone in his life. He'd just assumed that Angels didn't date. Of course, it's not as if they had spent a ton of time sitting around and sipping coffee. There was an apocalypse to be averted… he thought that should buy him a bit of leeway.
Castiel turned his head, looking towards the door as if looking for an escape route, pulling free of Dean's hand. He watched the blush return to his friend's cheeks as he became more uncomfortable with the discussion. He might not know who they were discussing but that didn't mean he couldn't try to give his friend some advice.
"And you think you missed your chance? Is that it? Maybe you're wrong. Maybe it's not too late. Have you tried? Not everyone moves on that quickly you know."
"You did."
Dean's mouth opened to reply but no words came out. He snapped it shut and stared at Castiel for a moment. The fear was back in his eyes. He looked as if he would break apart with the slightest encouragement. Dean wasn't sure he had heard his friend correctly, or if he had, that he was understanding him.
"Cas… I… you don't mean that you and… " He stopped when he saw the fresh tears spring from Cas's eyes. The fact that he was causing those tears broke his own heart. And that fact stopped him in his tracks. When had he begun to care so much about how the Angel felt?
"I told you Dean. It's all wrong. I don't understand it myself but I can't help what I feel. Why did you think I went back to Heaven? I knew it could never work. I knew you could never feel for me the way I had begun to feel about you. So I left. I went back and I tried to forget, not to think about it. And you know what? It worked… for a little while. But then you called me back here again and the first time I saw you I knew that I was only lying to myself."
The words came out in a rush. He was having trouble processing them. Could Cas really be saying what he thought he was saying? And, why did the thought of what he was hearing cause his heart to skip a beat before suddenly speeding up? His own emotions were flooding through him so quickly he was having trouble trying to sort through them.
"Cas, it's not that I don't… I mean, you know that I… Damn it. What am I supposed to say to that?" His own frustration and confusion colored his words, causing them to sound much harsher than he had intended.
"Nothing Dean. You do not have to say anything. I understand that your world has rules and that my love for you does not fit into them. I wish you could understand. We don't live by those rules. We love who we love. It is simple. Love is the one pure emotion that my Father gave us. We have no gender. It was people on Earth who felt the need to assign feminine and masculine personas to us. We are light and love flows through us. I do not think that my Father ever considered the possibility of one of us feeling this way about one of you. It… complicates things."
Complicated. Yeah, that's the word for it, Dean thought. And yet, it wasn't. Not really. Not if he didn't want it to be. Did he want it to be? Just what the hell did he feel for this person sitting in front of him? He couldn't think. His mind was spinning as he thought through the possibilities in front of him.
"I just wanted to come here, to ask you… please, do not call me again. If you did… I'd come. I would have to. Not because you need me but because… I could not say no to you. And that would be," he hesitated, looking for the right word, "difficult. Please tell Sam I said goodbye. Take care of each other Dean."
He watched as Cas stood, ready to leave, and felt the walls around his heart shatter. He had lost Cas once before and the pain it had caused was almost too much to bear. He'd buried that pain in his new life with Lisa and Ben. But, the whole time he knew that something wasn't right. There had always been something missing.
He'd tried to explain it away. He missed Sammy. That was all it was. But now, faced with the possibility of never seeing Cas again, he was forced to admit the truth. He'd missed Castiel. He'd missed the way he always seemed to know what he was thinking. How, even in the darkest moments, he never gave up on Dean. He was the only person that had ever made Dean feel as if he was worth something. There was a bond between them that he had always refused to acknowledge.
Now, looking at the sorrow on the Angel's face, he couldn't remember why it was wrong. He felt a smile slowly spread across his face as he realized that everything he had ever wanted was standing in front of him, his to take. Somewhere, deep inside, he felt a tension release as his mind accepted what his heart had already known.
He stood up slowly. He knew that what he did next would define who he was, who they were, for the rest of his life. As the Angel turned away, trying to hide the tears that now flowed freely from his eyes, he reached out. One hand slid around Cas's waist as the other slipped up, into the silky softness of the hair that just brushed the top of his collar. Pulling him close, he softly brushed his lips against Castiel's before moving slightly to whisper in his ear, "Don't go."
He sat back down on the bed, pulling Cas down next to him. He wasn't sure what he was supposed to do next. This was all new territory to him. But the apprehension in his Angel's eyes called for some form of reassurance. Once more he reached out and gently wiped the tears from Cas's cheek.
"I don't know what comes next. I only know that you leaving now would kill me." He opted to go with the truth. "I love you Cas. I'm not sure where we go from here, how we get you out of that mess upstairs and back here for good, but I'll do whatever it takes to make it happen. I was an idiot. I should never have let you go in the first place. If I hadn't been so stupid you never would have known what it felt like to hurt that way. I caused those tears and I swear, if you let me, I will make sure that the only tears you ever cry again are tears of joy."
He suddenly felt very self-conscious. He'd never said anything so sappy to anyone in his whole life. He could feel the blush that suddenly heated his own cheeks in embarrassment. He looked down at the floor, afraid to meet Cas's eyes. When he felt Cas's hand cup his face, mirroring his own earlier action, his whole body tensed.
"What is it you always say Dean? Oh, yeah… I remember. Enough of the chick flick moment."
Surprised, he lifted his head and looked into those stunning blue eyes. The mischief he saw glittering there erased all of his fear and doubt. Being the cause of that look sent a feeling that he had never known through him. This was what happiness felt like… he'd always wondered about that… and then there was nothing else in the world but the soft lips that were insistently pressing against his. Sighing contentedly he knew that his life was forever altered and, for once, he couldn't be happier.