Part of this fic was inspired by the song 'The Reason' by Hoobastank. If you'd like to listen to the song, here's a link to their youtube video: watch?v=fV4DiAyExN0
The Reason
The memories rushed through Draco as he stared at the rest of the students who were graduating with him in their 8th year. He couldn't help the regret he felt at all the wasted years. Every horrible derogatory comment. Every hateful glare. Knowing he had no real true friends because of the boy he'd been.. The man he'd become.
Yeah he could blame his father and mother. After all, they were the ones who raised him to feel and act the way he did. But no.. it was his fault. He didn't have to go along with their teachings, their ideals. He had never really understood or agreed with them to begin with. He'd always felt as though everyone who had magic in their blood, Muggleborn and Pureblood alike, had every right to learn. He had put himself in their shoes and known how he would've felt if his rights to learn had been taken away. He went along with it anyway though; trying to make his parents proud, but also being scared of how they'd react if he'd told them how he felt. Now here he was, on his graduation day, with his heart feeling empty and his soul feeling hollow because he'd never gone after what he'd wanted.
He glanced over at the three best friends whose life he'd made a living hell, and his heart broke as he wished things could have been different.
When he'd first met Harry, he'd been so happy to finally meet someone out of the circle of friends his parents approved of. Somebody who might be able to help him be the person he wanted to be, instead of the person his parents were turning him into. Then he'd gone and blown it when he'd seen Harry talking cheerfully with another boy. He'd been jealous and to be honest… afraid. Jealous that Harry was making friends with someone else and afraid that he would pale in comparison. He couldn't show those emotions though, it just wasn't the Malfoy way.
'Malfoy's never show weakness.' were some of the words his father had ingrained in his head and emotions were definitely at the top of that list. Instead, he'd done what he was taught, he lashed out. Even though he didn't think anything bad about the Weasley family, he said the only things he'd ever heard his father say about them. He spoke before thinking and after the look Harry had given him, he'd regretted it. Too proud to admit how he had felt, he'd left without saying another word. Always thinking that if he'd done things different they could have been friends.
Thinking about it now, he knew the fit his father would have thrown if he'd come home saying Weasley and Potter were his friends. At the time though he'd never felt worse. He'd became friends with the people he was expected to be friends with. Never knowing what to say to change what had happened, he did the only other thing he knew how. He picked on them and made their life hell. All because he couldn't find the courage to say he was wrong and that he was sorry.
As months went by, he would always tell himself that this would be the day that things would change. This day he'd be nicer to them or this day he'd finally say he was sorry. Every time he saw them though, his jealousy got the better of him and he spoke before thinking, ruining his chances. As the year ended, he knew his chances were gone. He'd gotten himself a reputation that he knew he'd never be rid of.
Years went by and nothing changed. He'd stayed his same hateful self because he didn't know who else to be. He knew there was nothing he could do to make them think differently of him. He had figured that even if he'd tried, they'd think it as a trick and make a fool of him. His pride couldn't take that. Instead, he did what they expected and was there at every turn, doing what ever he could to make them notice him. The hate he'd feel towards himself afterward never stopped him from doing it again the next time they crossed paths
The memories of 6th year filled his head, but he did his best to block them out. He felt too much pain thinking of that year, knowing that everything that had happened was his fault. He knew only a select few knew what had actually happened that year, and that he was the cause, but if anything, that made his guilt worse. The war in his 7th year caused his heart pain as well. All those fellow students who died… all because some madman and his followers believed they knew better than the rest of the world.
It was in Draco's 8th year that he finally changed. Every 7th year student had been given the chance to come back for an 8th year, and though he knew he might regret it, Draco had decided to accept. Honestly, he'd been surprised to get an opportunity in the first place, thinking they wouldn't want someone of 'his kind' back at school. Yes, he hadn't been apart of the dark wizards who attacked the school in 7th year, but he hadn't exactly been part of the light either. He'd decided though, that this would be the time that he'd finally let himself start being who he wanted to be. He knew it wouldn't stop people from hating him, there wouldn't be people all of a sudden wanting to be his friend, however he couldn't stand to be the Draco he'd made everyone believe he was; not after the war.
Even though he kept to himself and never really talked to anyone, most people immediately grew suspicious of his new behavior. He didn't have any friends, but had a lot of enemies. There was very few days that he wasn't in the hospital wing for some hex that someone had throw at him. He never told anyone, begged Madam Pomfrey not to as well, and he never retaliated. He always felt like he deserved it, so why bother to fight back. He knew that everyone believed that he changed because he didn't have the Dark Lord watching his back, but he finally didn't care what others thought. The only person whose opinion he cared about, was the only person who probably didn't care enough to even think about him.
It didn't take him long in his 8th year to finally understand his feelings for Harry for what they were. Draco never really could figure out when he feelings of wanting a friendship with Harry had turned into feelings of love, but he knew he'd never have either. It took a couple of months to come to terms with it and accept what he realized to be true. He had always respected Harry for how loyal, brave, and caring he had always been. That's what he always assumed it was.. respect. That and a wish to be his friend. The realization of his feelings was when his true heartbreak began.
It was hard for Draco to handle the pain he felt because of his feelings. He knew he didn't stand a chance of becoming Harry's friend, but he there was even less of a chance of Harry becoming anything more than that. Harry would probably look at him as if he were nuts or worse, he'd laugh at him and tell the whole school what a pathetic loser Draco Malfoy had become. Draco knew Harry was too nice to do the latter, but the vision kept finding it's way back into his thoughts anyways.
Now it was graduation. The Leaving Feast was well under way, with everyone happily celebrating being finished with school or congratulating those who were. Time was running out for him to do anything about his feelings for Harry, but Draco knew he never would. For him, time had run out a long time ago. It was already too late.
*~*~* 5 Years Later *~*~*
The last five years had been nothing but hard work for Draco Malfoy. Straight out of his 8th year of Hogwarts he started training to become a healer, something he'd always wanted to do. In his younger years, it was his hidden dream. Something unattainable if he wanted to stay favorable to his father. Now though, with the war and everything that had happened, Draco was done listening to the idiot he finally realized his father was. He'd already faced heartbreak all because he'd wanted to stay on his father's good side. He wasn't going to give up his dream, his one last chance at happiness, all to appease a man who had never cared about Draco's own wishes to being with.
Draco had done everything within his power to pull the Malfoy name out of the mud his father had thrown it in. At first, people didn't trust him at all. It took all his powers of persuasion just to get them to let him train as a healer. As time went on, and people realized he was serious with his training, they started to trust him more. It had also helped when Harry's testimony on Narcissa and his behalf came to light. Finding out that he had helped the boy who lived had eased peoples minds somewhat.
Of course there were still a lot of people who hated him for what his family had done. Blaming him for all the pain his father had caused. There was part of him that wanted to yell and scream that it wasn't his fault. That he couldn't be blamed for things his father had done. Still, no matter what was said or done, he kept his head held high and his wand held low and he carried on.
There was nothing that could keep Lucius out of Azkaban though, and the little boy inside Draco felt pain for his father. He would always love him, no matter how much his mistakes cost Draco. The adult side of him though, completely understood. There were so many lives lost and families grieving, all because his father had decided to follow a madman. That was something that Draco could never forgive, so he understood that others couldn't either.
Things moved on and years passed by. It wasn't perfect for Draco, but it was better. He never got over his feelings for Harry, but he was able to shut off his mind. His training as a healer kept him from thinking about what he didn't have in his life. He couldn't imagine a life with anyone other than Harry, so he kept to himself. He knew he should try and move on, but it always made him anxious just thinking about it, so eventually he stopped trying. He wasn't disrespectful towards anyone, but he made sure people realized he didn't want friends.
Slowly, he became a respected member of the society. He was a fantastic healer, quickly becoming one of the most famous Healers in the wizarding world. He became a Master Healer, it taking him only 5 years to do what normally took people 10. Apparently he was a natural and people would come far just to have him be the one to help them. His past wasn't completely forgotten, but most people seemed to be able to look beyond it. Most chalked it up to his being a teenager in a household where he wasn't given much choice in the matter.
He very rarely saw Harry and his friends, though it did happen occasionally. Those were dark days for Draco. Passing Harry in Diagon Alley or seeing him at Gringotts always brought back memories he didn't want to have. Pain he didn't want to feel. They would always nod towards each other and be civil, but that's all it ever was. And it killed him inside to know that's all it'd ever be.
*~*~*Present Day*~*~*
It was the 5th Anniversary of the Battle of Hogwarts. The party was in full swing as people mingled; laughing and reminiscing about the good times and the people who were missed. Draco stood at the bar, thinking about how much he didn't want to be here. It wasn't that he didn't respect the people who had lost their lives during the war, he just felt so out of place. Draco knew most people didn't blame him for what happened, but that didn't stop him from blaming himself. Seeing all the people here, with loved ones and friends lost, brought on so much guilt. The only reason he had even come was because Luna insisted.
Luna Lovegood; his one friend. His best friend, if he was being honest. Luna had become a nurse at St. Mungo's, the hospital where Draco worked, last year. At first, it was uncomfortable to work with her, though she didn't seem to mind working with him. He had never really hated the girl, but he knew who she was friends with. Knowing she was close to Harry had caused Draco's jealousy to rear it's ugly head. He had not wanted to take his broken heart out on her, so he decided to try an avoid her. It hadn't been the easiest thing to do seeing as they had both been working in the Spell Damage Department at the time.
Eventually they were forced to work together and, by default, talk to each other. Luna had been trying to make small talk and started to talk about Harry and how excited she was for his coming birthday. Draco smiled in spite of himself, remembering how jealous he'd gotten. He'd gone off on her saying how wonderful it must be to be going to Saint Potter's birthday party. Luna, with as perceptive as she is, easily put two and two together. Thinking back, even he could see how obvious a statement like that would make his feelings. Ultimately, it was his opening up to her about how he felt for Harry that brought them closer together. Never in his life had he been as close to someone as he was to her. Yes, she was his best friend in the world and there was nothing he wouldn't do for her.
"Hey Draco, what are you thinking about?" Luna spoke softly as she walked up to him.
"About you and how we unexpectedly became best friends." Draco said smiling.
"We're best friends?" Luna asked confused, "Oh no, I'd never be best friends with a Malfoy. Wrackspurts must be making your head fuzzy and confusing you again." She teased. Draco laughed and lightly shoved her.
"Seriously though," Luna asked, looking at him with concern, "Are you nervous?" Nervous? Hell Yes! Luna had convinced Draco to do something completely crazy.. Sing a song to Harry Potter in front of the entire party.
A couple months ago Draco started getting into muggle music. Black Eyed Peas, Linkin Park, Five for Fighting, and Maroon 5 were among some of his favorite bands. Then he had come across the song 'The Reason' by Hoobastank and immediately loved the song. He listened to it on repeat practically everyday even though the song did make him somewhat emotional. One day, when Luna and him were hanging out, he decided to play the song for her. If anyone would understand what it meant to him, she would. They both agreed that it perfectly described how he felt towards Harry. Luna then convinced him to not only attend the Battle of Hogwarts Anniversary party, but to dedicate the song to Harry and sing it in front of everyone.
"I'm taking that as a yes, seeing as you haven't responded yet." Luna said smiling, "You don't have anything to worry about," She whispered gripping his hand in support, "You have an angelic voice and he'll love the song. I just know it."
"I just can't believe I'm actually going to go through with this." Draco said with disbelief, "I mean what is it really going to accomplish, besides everyone laughing at how pathetic I am.."
Luna rolled her eyes, "Nobody is going to laugh at you. You are a very respected Healer now Draco and while you are not loved by all, you are not hated either. Besides, you have such a beautiful voice that most people will probably be too mesmerized to do anything except for stare."
Now it was Draco's turn to roll his eyes. He opened his mouth to sarcastically reply when he heard the music stop. His heart sped up because he knew what this meant. The time was now, but he didn't feel ready. "I really don't think I can do this Luna." Draco whispered as he heard McGonagall announcing that he was going to be singing a song for everyone.
"It's too late to back down now Draco." Luna said back, slowly pushing him towards the stage, "She's already announced your name. Plus, as I said, you'll be fine. You have a beautiful voice."
"It's not my voice I'm worried about and you damn well know that!" Draco whispered fiercely, "Harry still hates me and all this is going to do his make him pity me as well."
"Don't take that tone with me Draco Malfoy! Harry doesn't hate you, I know this for a fact." At Draco's surprised look she shoved him harder towards the stage, "Now get up on that damn stage and sing from your heart."
Draco sent her one last confused look about the Harry comment, before putting on his mask of indifference and walked up to the stage. Luna is right. It's too late to back down now and I need to say this.
"Sorry about that everyone. I didn't mean to make you wait, it's just my first time singing in front of a large audience so I got a little nervous." Draco laughed with everyone else and felt himself calm down slightly. He looked over at Luna and saw her pointing to the left of her. Scanning the faces he finally found the one he was looking for.
Locking eyes with Harry unexpectedly calmed him down more and as he stared into those beautiful green eyes, he delivered his speech. "This is a muggle song by the band Hoobastank and when I first heard it, it fit what I felt toward someone perfectly. This song is dedicated to the one person whose life I hurt the most. The one person who I've wanted to apologize to for all the stupid things I did in my youth. The one person I've always..." Draco stopped, not being able to get the last word out. Clearing his throat, he continued, "I know what I've done can never be forgiven, but Harry.. This song is for you." Harry's eyes widened comically, as Draco knew they would, and the hall fell silent.
I'm not a perfect person
There's many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know
Draco could feel his heartbeat pick up and start beating like crazy. Looking into Harry's eyes, while singing his heart out to him, was almost to much for Draco. He wanted Harry to see everything, every emotion he felt towards him, but he was afraid of what he'd see in Harry's eyes. Disgust? Rejection? I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you
As much as Draco wanted to hold Harry's gaze through the whole song, seeing the confusion, as well as some emotions he was sure he was imagining, was just to much for him to handle. He quickly tore his gaze away and focused on Luna to try and give himself strength to get through the song. I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
That's why I need you to hear
I can't believe I let Luna talk me into this... Draco felt so stupid. Everyone was going to think he was pathetic for doing something like this. As Draco looked around at everyone's faces though, he didn't see anything to support that thought. A lot of the people he looked at had tears in their eyes, some of them, he knew, probably even had people they could sing this song to themselves.
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you
What about Harry though? Was Draco's next thought. He was going to think Draco was crazy? Although, what if he didn't even understand? What if he just thought Draco was trying to say sorry and he didn't see the feelings Draco was trying to pour into the song?
and the reason is you
and the reason is you
and the reason is you
Draco felt terror rising inside him as he got closer to the end of the song. He tried to keep his mind clear, luckily none of his inner turmoil was showing on the outside, but he just kept thinking that the end of the song meant a confrontation with Harry... Can I handle that?
I'm not a perfect person
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know
Draco could feel the emotions rising inside him, and try as he might he just couldn't keep the tears back. Only a few managed to get out before he got himself back under control, but still it was a few too many. I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you
He looked at Harry again, forcing himself to be brave and make eye contact, and immediately saw concern on Harry's face. Not seeing the disgust or rejection he had feared would be there, emboldened him. He put as much of his emotion as he dared into his eyes, as well as his voice, as he sang the last stanza of the song. I've found a reason to show
A side of me you didn't know
A reason for all that I do
And the reason is you
Thunderous applause filled the hall, and there were few dry eyes. Once again, Draco saw an emotion in Harry's eyes that he didn't dare hope was real. Finally, after the applause died down, Draco finished his prepared speech, "Harry, I am who I am today.. because of you. You gave me the courage to try to be someone new, someone better. To not just follow everything my father said, but to become my own person. A person I felt happy being, someone I didn't look in the mirror and hate every time I saw them. I thank you from the bottom of my heart, for being who you are so you could help me become who I am. Thank you everyone, for your time and for allowing me to do this." With that said, Draco quickly walked off the stage. His nerves shot, and with the uncomfortable feeling that thousands of eyes were on him, he just kept walking, leaving the room and going into the hallway to calm himself down.
It was only a few seconds of peace before Draco heard the door opening and closing behind him. He looked over, expecting to see Luna having followed him out of concern, only to be terrified at seeing Harry walking quickly toward him. Dread filled Draco as he thought of all the things Harry could say that would tear him apart inside, this was the exact reason he hadn't wanted to do this in the first place. He'd told Luna he wasn't sure he'd be able to handle the confrontation afterwards, but he'd let her talk him into it anyways. Now though, it was already done and over with, there wasn't anything he could do. He needed to be brave and hear out whatever it was Harry needed to say. No matter how much it hurt.
"Harry, I-" Draco barely got those two words out before he was shoved against the wall, Harry's soft warm lips pressed against his. At first, he just let Harry kiss him without any response, his shock at Harry's action overriding his need to reciprocate. Though, when he felt Harry start to pull away, clearly thinking he'd done something wrong, Draco pushed his surprise and shock aside and finally started kissing him back. He felt Harry's tongue lightly against his lips, seeking to deepen the kiss, and Draco was powerless to deny him. It was as their tongues slid together, both of them moaning loudly, that Draco finally came to his senses.
Draco, very gently, pushed Harry by the shoulders, getting him to stop even though he was dying to continue. The heat, as well as another emotion he was still scared to acknowledge, was still in Harry's eyes, however there was confusion mixing in now as well. Draco got himself under control and pushed the words out before he lost it and kissed Harry again. "Wait wait wait.. I don't understand what just happened, we need to talk about this."
Harry cleared his throat and looked away from Draco, the redness on his cheeks giving away his embarrassment, "Of course, you're right. I'm sorry, I just let my emotions get the best of me for a second. I just saw you and kept thinking of your song and how emotional you were and I just... I needed to... I'm sorry." Harry laughed nervously still looking away from Draco, and though Draco knew they needed to talk, he couldn't let Harry think it was a mistake.
"Don't apologize," Draco whispered. Harry looked up quickly, their eyes locking, and before he could think too much, he kissed Harry again. He put as much of his emotion in that one kiss as he could, needing Harry to know how much it meant to him. He finally pulled away, kissing Harry softly one more time, before resting their foreheads together, "It was an amazing kiss, don't apologize.. I just felt like we should clear the air before we get ahead of ourselves."
Draco felt like he'd lost the air to breathe as Harry smiled the most beautiful smile. The kind of smile he'd always reserved for his friends and people he cared about. A smile Draco hadn't dared to hope would ever be aimed at him. "I never thought you'd look at me this way.." Draco felt his face heat up, knowing the redness was now showing on his face, not believing that he'd actually said that out loud.
"What way?" Harry questioned, either oblivious or ignoring Draco's embarrassment.
Draco moved way from Harry, no longer able to keep his cool with their faces so close, and looked away, "Like you care about me. Like it would matter to you if I lived or died. Like you could be my friend or... possibly more."
He felt Harry take his hand, but he still couldn't find the courage to turn and look Harry in the eyes again. Harry leaned closer, almost as if he was trying to give Draco support, but didn't say or do anything. The hall stayed quiet for a few minutes as they just leaned against each other, not talking. Draco almost jumped when Harry finally did speak, "Draco.. Why didn't you ever tell me how you felt?"
Draco felt laughter bubble up inside him at the ridiculous question; he'd thought it'd been obvious. He managed to quell the need to laugh, before he responded, "What would I have said? Hey Potter, remember how we were enemies in school? Well, that was all a lie. I was actually inlove with you the whole time. Still am. Want to go get a pint together?"
"Wait.. what? You've been inlove with me since school?" Harry said, incredulously. Harry tried to walk in front of Draco, trying to get him to look him in the eyes, but Draco just turned again. He barely had the courage to talk about this without facing Harry, he didn't think he could do it if they were actually looking each other in the eyes. Plus, Draco already felt like slapping himself... he couldn't believe he'd actually let on how long he'd liked Harry for.
"... yeah." Draco said quietly, looking at the floor. "At first, in school, I'd just wanted to be your friend. I was stupid though, and let my father's influences get the best of my judgment; I ruined everything. Since it wasn't possible to become your friend I became your tormentor, I made sure to be there at every turn. I kept thinking it was enough that you'd at least acknowledge me for a little while, even if that acknowledgment was out of hatred. Though afterwards, I'd always hate myself for it. It was a long time before I realized the feelings I had towards you had changed to wanting more than friendship. I don't honestly know when it happened, but to answer your question, yes it was sometime during school that I fell for you."
He could see Harry's shoes in front of him and knew if he'd just look up he'd be looking into Harry's eyes, "Draco... please look at me."
"I don't know if I have the courage too. I'm afraid of what I'll see." He felt Harry's fingers under his chin, and though he was terrified, he let Harry lift up his face.
They locked eyes once more, but before Draco could process the emotions in Harry's eyes, Harry said, "I've liked you for a very long time..." Draco wanted to protest, ask questions, but Harry put his fingers to his lips, in a 'be quiet' motion, and continued, "I was so confused in school because of you. You were such an arse, but so bloody gorgeous. There were many time I'd lay awake wondering why the thought of snogging you didn't repulse me like it probably should. It did a great many things to me, but that feeling definitely wasn't one of them. I pushed aside those feelings though, not enjoying the fact that I seemed to like someone who was such a prat. It was hard, but I slowly was able to push my feelings for you deep inside my brain and ignore them. As we got older though, things started to change. I remember our 8th year, how you kept your head down and never talked to anyone; you stopped being mean, arrogant, or a prat. I saw a change in you that nobody else seemed to be able to accept and knew that it was because of more than just Voldemort being gone. I saw the many times you'd go to the hospital wing, always quiet about what happened and never speaking up. I tried, on many occasions, to figure out who it was and get them to stop, though I was never successful. I was still a coward though, I was so afraid of telling you how I felt and you not feeling the same that I just never said anything at all. I let you think you were all alone that year, all because of my own cowardliness. Not very Gryffindor of me..." Harry went quiet for a few seconds, but Draco could tell he had more to say so he didn't say anything, just waited for Harry to continue.
"Then these last 5 years happened. You worked as hard as you could to try to make it in society on your own, building back up your family name and not letting anyone tell you you couldn't do something. You faced prejudice because of what side of the war you were forced to be on, but never let that stop you. You became a whole new person and an amazing healer; the best in the country. I started to form a deep respect for you as well as feelings deeper than I'd ever had before. I knew that I was fa..." Harry's gulp was audible as he paused again, took a deep breath, and continued, "falling inlove with you, but there was nothing I could do to stop those feelings. There were many times I'd try and get up the courage to talk to you, but this tiny voice in the back of my mind kept telling me I was crazy. I made sure to keep my distance because I was sure that you hated my guts; it hurt, but I figured it was for the best. I just hate that I wasted all these years, just because I was too scared to take a chance and tell you how I feel."
Draco went silent, absorbing all the information that Harry had just told him. It was hard for him to comprehend that Harry had liked him just has long has he'd liked Harry. He wanted to kick himself for all the time they'd lost because, like Harry, he'd been to scared to take a chance. Surprise filled him as he felt lips pressed against his own again. The kiss lasted only a few seconds, but it was still the best few seconds in the world to him.
"Just wanted to tear you out of your own thoughts. Kissing seemed like a good way to go. Plus, we do have like 6 or so years to make up for, we best get started." They both laughed lightly, Draco feeling as though his heart was being pieced back together. Never in his wildest dreams would he have imagined that not only would he get his dream job, that he'd get to be with Harry as well.
"Hey, lets just skip the rest of this." Draco said, motioning back towards the room full of people, "The most important events are done anyways. I think I'd rather be alone with you, than deal with all the questions we're bound to get when we go back inside there." Harry smiled in agreement as he took Draco's hand, walking with him down the hall towards the doors to outside. "Remind me to send a thank you basket to Luna later. We owe her everything."
The End