Title: SGC Olympics : Round 1
Author: Ruth
Rating: PG-13 (Some violence, strong stupidity) BEEP-ing out is used, so you have to guess what some words are. Not that it's difficult, I'm sure.
Spoilers: It's a Stargate SG-1 spoof of the Olympics. Go figure. Also mentions Harry's thong, which some of you will be familiar with from my Stargate Big Brother 2003 series.
Summary: The SGC Olympics has it all! A disastrous failed opening ceremony, the return of Maybourne's thong, system lords in sparkly leotards and Hammond lifting weights!
Author Notes: Humour, Crossover
Disclaimer: All publicly recognisable characters and places are the property of MGM, World Gekko Corp and Double Secret productions. This piece of fan fiction was created for entertainment not monetary purposes and no infringement on copyrights or trademarks was intended. Previously unrecognised characters and places, and this story, are copyrighted to the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the authors.
You all know what the Olympics is, I have nothing to do with it, I am making no money…you know the drill by now. Don't sue me.
SGC Olympics : Round 1
Copyright (c) 2004, Ruth
"Hello, and welcome to this coverage of the 2004 Olympics, being held at the SGC, top secret military base otherwise known as Cheyenne Mountain. What…what do you mean I can't say that on live TV…oh, shit! Aaarrggh! I can't say s-BEEP either!"
"Welcome back to the Olympic Coverage! In just a moment, we will be meeting the teams. Competing this year are representatives from Earth, the Tok'ra, the Tollan, the NID and the Goa'uld!"
(Ooooooh! Sound from audience)
"First, the Earth team! Meet Colonel Jack O'Neill, Major Samantha Carter, Doctor Daniel Jackson, Teal'c, Doctor Janet Fraiser, General Hammond, Dr McKay and Graham Simmons!"
(Wild cheering and bra-throwing)
"Now, the Tok'ra team! Meet Jacob Carter and Selmak, Martouf and Lantash, Freya and Anise!"
(Not-so wild cheering, and no bras)
"And now the Tollan team, which consists of…Narim!!"
(Embarrassed-sounding cough from the audience. Wind whistles through the stadium)
"Representing the NID is Colonel Maybourne and Malcolm Barrett!"
(Loud booing from the audience, except for the occasional bra being thrown at Maybourne)
"And finally, a new team to the Olympics 2004 - the Goa'uld! We have Apophis, Ba'al, Hathor, Nirrti, Seth and Anubis!"
(Extremely loud booing)
"Anyway, I hear you ask: Why are some teams bigger than others? Well, it is simple. The Earth team are so skilled that they do not all have to appear in each event, so will be spread out evenly. The Tollan, for example, only have Narim, who will have to compete in every event."
"Now, to begin! The Olympic Opening Ceremony! The flame will be lit by none other than…Thor?"
The audience watched in hushed silence as Thor stood up from his seat next to the enthusiastic commentator and walked over to receive the flame. He looked at it blankly for a few moments.
Someone in the audience sneezed. Some cheery trumpet music started playing, and several men in pink tutus were lowered down from the ceiling, playing harps. A chorus of budgies began to sing in the corner of the stadium, and white fluffy rabbits pranced about the floor.
Thor frowned. At least, he did the Asgard equivalent of a frown. He held the torch out in front of him, walking steadily towards the dish where the flame would be held for the duration of the Olympics. As he did this, a line of men dressed up as elves skipped up and ran in a circle around the stadium, playing flutes.
(Audience goes "Ooooooh!" . Goa'uld team laughs. Others look thoroughly bored.)
Thor was very confused. There were shapes and colours whizzing around his face, making it difficult to see the light in front of him. He understood that the Tau'ri considered this to be a great honour, but it seemed incredibly stupid. He was so deep in thought that he didn't look where he was going, and tripped over a fluffy white rabbit that was prancing about in front of him.
The next series of events happened so fast that almost nobody could remember what they were. Thor tripped over the fluffy rabbit and DROPPED the Olympic flame. A gasp of horror went up from the audience as the flame rolled over and over, the rabbits scattered, the budgies stopped singing…and the elves caught fire.
"Aaaaarrrgggghhh!" One of the elves yelled, as his costume caught fire. He stepped out of line and ran towards the side of the stadium, black smoke pouring out behind him. Someone threw a bucket of water over him from the balcony, subsequently drenching the pink-tutu-clad men playing harps.
The increase of volume of the harp-playing tutu men meant that the wires holding them up in the air snapped, sending them crashing to the floor on top of the elves that were on fire. Fortunately, the dampness of the pink tutu-men put out the fires of the elves, and they all lay in an exhausted, panting heap.
Ba'al started to laugh, and continued to do so extremely loudly. Narim blushed, not entirely sure what to make of the situation, the Tok'ra tried to make a run for it and SG-1 just looked blankly at the scene in front of them. This was what apparently constituted a good opening ceremony.
Thor returned to his seat beside the enthusiastic commentator, blankly ignoring the stare he was being given. The commentator sat back down with a heavy thud and cleared his throat.
"And now, on with the Olympics!" He proclaimed loudly, getting cheers from the somewhat shocked audience. "Our first event - the men's 100 metre sprint!"
Men's 100 Metre Sprint
"Welcome back to the Olympics 2004 Coverage! I'm your commentator, and we're about to join the competitors for the men's 100 metre sprint! Competing for Earth we have Colonel O'Neill!"
(Wild cheering, bra throwing, etc)
"And, for the Tok'ra, Jacob Carter!"
(More cheering)
"Competing for the Tollan, we have Narim!"
(Cheering)
"For the NID, we have Colonel Maybourne!"
(Loud cheering, bra throwing)
"And for the Goa'uld, Apophis!"
(Loud booing)
Apophis frowned, and stuck two fingers up at the crowd, who gasped in feigned shock.
"On your marks! Get set….GO!"
Jack set off in lane 1, smirking as Narim got his foot stuck in the starting block and couldn't move. He was worryingly aware of Jacob closing in on him in lane 2, and put on an extra burst of speed.
"Yes, Colonel O'Neill and Jacob Carter are vying for first place!" the commentator shouted happily, "Apophis is coming in a close second, Maybourne third…and Narim hasn't moved yet! We believe his foot is stuck in the starting block - more on that later!"
Jacob smirked at Jack as he went blinding past him to take the first place medal. Jack's mouth fell open in disbelief as he crossed the line a poor second, Apophis taking the bronze for the Goa'uld and Maybourne panting as he fell across the finish line, medal-less.
"That's the first event, let's take a look at the scores!" The commentator shouted, over-enthusiastically.
"Gold medals are worth 8 points, Silver medals are worth 5 points, and Bronze medals are worth 2 points. That means that the Tok'ra are winning with 8 points, Earth come second with 5 points, the Goa'uld come third with 2 points, and the NID and the Tollan are vying not to be last with 0 points!"
(Cheering from the Tok'ra)
"We're going to take a short break, but join me in a few moments for the women's 400 metres!"
OLYMPIC SOUNDBITES:
"I can't believe it!" Jack whined, "I lost to f-BEEP-ing Jacob Carter! A Tok'ra!"
Jacob smirked. Apophis glared at no-one in particular. Narim still had his foot stuck in the starting block, but nobody seemed to care. Harry proudly stripped off his Olympic outfit to reveal…a leopard print thong!!
(Cheering from audience, more bra throwing!)
Women's 400 metres
"Hello, and welcome back! The SGC Olympics 2004 being hosted at a top-secret military base has already gone off with a bang! So far the Tok'ra have one gold medal, but will the next event change all that? Let's go down to the arena where the women's 400 metres is about to start!"
"Competing for gold today for Earth is Major Carter!"
(Loud cheering and boxer-throwing)
"For the Tok'ra, Anise!"
(Some cheering, no boxer-throwing)
"For the Goa'uld, Nirrti!"
(Loud cheering, boxer throwing)
"And for the Tollan…Narim!"
(Cheering dies off hesitantly. Didn't they say women's 400m??)
"On your marks…get set…GO!"
Sam started running in lane 1, but found this was difficult because of a pair of boxer shorts stuck on her head. She saw Nirrti go steaming ahead of her in a sparkly blue leotard and sighed. There was no way in hell that she was going to win this. It was running, for pete's sake!
Anise jogged along just in front of the camera, making sure that her bosom was bouncing just the right amount for them to get a good view. It was an added bonus when she passed Narim, who was running in last, with a starting block stuck to his foot. Still, she couldn't manage to get past Major Carter, who was running close behind Nirrti.
Nirrti smiled widely as she ran on to take the gold medal, and people cheered loudly. Sam collapsed in an exhausted heap after taking the silver, and Anise bounced home in third. Narim finally dragged himself over the line in last place, pulling at the block on his foot.
"At the end of the second event, the Goa'uld take gold, Earth gets another silver and the Tok'ra take bronze. That means that Goa'uld, Earth and Tok'ra are all drawing on 10 points, whilst the Tollan and the NID are yet to score! Our next event is mixed javelin - we'll be back after a short break."
OLYMPIC SOUNDBITES:
"Well done Sam!" Daniel said, running up and hugging his friend, "We got another silver!"
"Nirrti was just too fast," Sam said sadly.
"Don't worry," Daniel reassured her, and glared at Jack who was standing behind Sam, drooling.
Nirrti sat back down among the other system lords, looking very pleased with herself. Of course, they were all so stubborn and arrogant that they refused to congratulate each other, and just sat in silence, glaring.
Mixed Javelin
"Welcome back! Now we have a new event to the Olympics, the mixed javelin! For Earth we have Teal'c, for the Goa'uld we have Seth, for the Tok'ra we have Martouf, for the NID we have Malcolm Barrett and for the Tollan we have…Narim!"
(Wild cheering and underpant throwing)
"First to throw is Narim for the Tollan. May we have complete silence from the audience please."
Narim took aim and threw the javelin an impressive 3 metres. Stepping backwards, he was more pleased when he finally managed to pull the starting block off of his foot.
"Next to throw, Malcolm Barrett for the NID!"
Malcolm was determined not to let Maybourne and his thong put him off. Averting his gaze, he picked up the javelin and took aim. He threw the javelin an even more impressive 5 metres, snatching away Narim's brief moment of triumph.
"Please welcome Martouf of the Tok'ra to throw third!"
Martouf picked up the javelin and hefted it in his hand. Lantash blew a raspberry in his head, and made a rude comment about his sporting skills, or lack thereof. Gritting his teeth, he threw the javelin, but it only made 2 ½ metres. Lantash cackled wickedly.
"Next, Seth for the Goa'uld!"
Seth didn't really know what the hell he was doing there. He could see the woman who had killed him in the other side of the stadium and glared at her, eyes flashing. As a result, his concentration slipped and he threw the javelin a pathetic 50 cm, narrowly missing his foot.
"Oookay…finally, Teal'c for Earth!"
Teal'c picked up the javelin confidently and threw it, the muscles in his arm making several women in the front row faint. The javelin flew across the stadium and narrowly missed Senator Kinsey's head, who was sitting directly opposite Thor.
"That was… 450 metres!" The commentator said, slightly scared, "Which means that Earth takes gold, the NID take silver and the Tollan take bronze! Overall points stand as such: Earth is in the lead with 18, the Tok'ra have 10, drawing with the Goa'uld who also have 10, the NID have 5 and the Tollan have 2!"
(Cheering)
"Join us after this Olympic sound bite for the men's 200 metre butterfly!"
OLYMPIC SOUNDBITE:
"I am sorry, O'Neill. I was not aware that you wanted me to impale Senator Kinsey."
"It's all ruined, Teal'c!" Jack whined.
"Uh…Jack? We got our first gold medal," Sam reminded him.
"But we could have f-BEEP-ing killed Kinsey!" Jack said in despair.
Narim danced around happily at winning his first medal. They would be sorry they had mocked him, oh yes they would…
Men's 200m Butterfly
"Welcome back to the swimming pools for the men's 200 metre butterfly! I have never understood this stroke myself, just looks like a lot of flapping around to me…what do you think, Thor?"
"I concur with your statement," Thor replied, tipping his head slightly.
"Okay. Competing for Earth we have Dr McKay!"
Sam's mouth fell open as McKay stepped up to the pool, wearing lime green Speedos. Daniel turned a shade of grey, and Jack peed himself laughing.
"For the Tok'ra, Jacob Carter!"
Sam's mouth fell open even wider as her father stepped up to the pool, wearing bright pink Speedos. Daniel actually fainted this time, and Jack stopped laughing.
"For the Goa'uld, Ba'al and for the NID, Maybourne!"
Sam and Jack screamed simultaneously in horror as they saw Maybourne, wearing his leopard-print thong. It was a blasphemy against the underwear department that they had not seen since their brief stint in the Stargate Big Brother house.
"I thought Malcolm burned it!" Jack said, reeling backwards.
"And finally, for the Tollan, Narim!"
(Cheering from audience, as Narim has finally managed to drum up some support)
"Ready…set…GO!"
McKay unfortunately entered the pool at too great a velocity, and re-surfaced without his Speedos. He scrabbled around for them in the water, watching Jacob Carter's pink-Speedo clad butt disappear into the distance.
Harry swam ahead happily, not knowing if he was even doing the stroke right and not caring. Now that he had the thong, nothing could phase him. He sniggered as he turned around and saw a literally butt-naked McKay searching for his swimming trunks.
Jacob and Ba'al stormed ahead of the others, leaving Narim in a wake of foam. Ba'al hit the 100 metre point and performed an underwater somersault, shooting back up the pool to take the gold medal. Jacob followed not far behind him, and Harry casually turned up to take the bronze medal, still laughing at McKay who had only just found his trunks again.
"Well, here are the scores at the end of that revealing round!" The commentator snorted. "The Goa'uld took 8 points, the Tok'ra have 5 and the NID have 2. Overall scores are: Earth and the Goa'uld draw first place on 18 points each, the Tok'ra have 15, the NID have 7 and the Tollan are still stuck on 2."
"We will return after a short break," Thor interrupted, "For the women's gymnastic event."
OLYMPIC SOUNDBITE:
"I don't know what happened," McKay admitted, "One minute I was wearing them, the next I was b-BEEP-ck naked!"
"It is such a pleasure to win," Ba'al smirked, "Such a pity that the Tau'ri once again failed to make a successful impression. Still, there are many more rounds to go."
"My performance has been satisfactory," Narim sighed, "But in the Olympics this is just not good enough. I think someone needs to give me a kick up the BEEP."
"It's all in the thong," Harry said, waving his butt at the camera, "When I wear it, I become a different person. A new me."
"I do believe that my daughter has disowned me for appearing on national TV in pink Speedos," Jacob said dryly.
Women's Gymnastic
"Hello again! Hopefully you didn't miss our last pant-lowering event, but in case you did, here's a quick reminder!"
(Slow-motion videotape rolls of McKay diving into the water so fast that his Speedos were ripped off of his butt)
"Anyway, back to the women's gymnastic floor event! This is a very vague title but it basically means that they have 90 seconds to impress us all on this mat here. Let's meet the ladies!"
"For Earth, Janet Fraiser! For the Tok'ra, Anise! For the Goa'uld, Hathor, and for the Tollan…Narim! Please maintain complete silence as our first competitor takes to the floor - Narim for the Tollan."
Narim ran onto the mat and did a cartwheel. Feeling rather pleased with himself, he smoothed his hands down the sparkling yellow leotard that he was wearing and did the splits. This move caused Jack to pass out in the audience. He then hopped about a little more, did a roly-poly followed by a star jump and sat down in the middle of the mat.
Judge's Scores: 8-8-6-7
"Next up, Anise for the Tok'ra!"
Anise hadn't exactly planned a routine. All she needed to do was as much movement as possible to emphasise her bosom, and this meant lots of bouncing. She did star jumps onto the mat and a somersault, before doing a 360 degree turn so that the cameras had a panoramic view. After a particularly vigorous roly-poly, her leotard accidentally-on-purpose ripped down the middle.
Judge's Scores: 10-10-10-10
"Okay then…please welcome Janet Fraiser for Earth!"
Janet had hated gymnastics for as long as she had been alive, but she and Sam had fought about this event, and Janet had lost. Janet, they decided, was the one that would look better in a leotard, because Sam had too much leg and not enough around the front. Jack had begun to protest at this point of the argument. She carried out her routine carefully, with scientific accuracy as Sam had taught her, not wobbling as she did a double cartwheel and various other complicated moves.
Judge's Scores: 8-7-7-8
"Finally, welcome Hathor for the Goa'uld!"
As Hathor stepped onto the mat, it became clear that she had been shopping in the same places as Maybourne. Feeling threatened by Anise, she tried to do the same and emphasise her body, but tripped over the edge of the mat and fell on her nose, thus screwing up the rest of her sequence.
Judge's Scores: 4-4-2-5
"After that exciting round, the Tok'ra take gold, Earth takes silver and the Tollan get bronze! That makes the overall scores: Earth and Tok'ra draw on 23 points each, followed by the Goa'uld with 18, the NID with 7 and the Tollan with 4! Join us for men's weightlifting after another sound bite!"
OLYMPIC SOUNDBITE:
"I demand a f-BEEP-ing recount!" Hathor yelled.
"I guess I've just got a lot of gymnastic skill," Anise drawled, with a smirk on her face.
"Well, the judges were looking at Anise, but it wasn't her gymnastics," Janet said pointedly.
"I really like this colour on me," Narim mused, "What do you think? Does it make my bum look big?"
To Be Continued…
Author's Note: Silly idea that came to me yesterday. What do you think? Please send feedback to What events would you like to see in round 2?
Author: Ruth
Rating: PG-13 (Some violence, strong stupidity) BEEP-ing out is used, so you have to guess what some words are. Not that it's difficult, I'm sure.
Spoilers: It's a Stargate SG-1 spoof of the Olympics. Go figure. Also mentions Harry's thong, which some of you will be familiar with from my Stargate Big Brother 2003 series.
Summary: The SGC Olympics has it all! A disastrous failed opening ceremony, the return of Maybourne's thong, system lords in sparkly leotards and Hammond lifting weights!
Author Notes: Humour, Crossover
Disclaimer: All publicly recognisable characters and places are the property of MGM, World Gekko Corp and Double Secret productions. This piece of fan fiction was created for entertainment not monetary purposes and no infringement on copyrights or trademarks was intended. Previously unrecognised characters and places, and this story, are copyrighted to the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the authors.
You all know what the Olympics is, I have nothing to do with it, I am making no money…you know the drill by now. Don't sue me.
SGC Olympics : Round 1
Copyright (c) 2004, Ruth
"Hello, and welcome to this coverage of the 2004 Olympics, being held at the SGC, top secret military base otherwise known as Cheyenne Mountain. What…what do you mean I can't say that on live TV…oh, shit! Aaarrggh! I can't say s-BEEP either!"
"Welcome back to the Olympic Coverage! In just a moment, we will be meeting the teams. Competing this year are representatives from Earth, the Tok'ra, the Tollan, the NID and the Goa'uld!"
(Ooooooh! Sound from audience)
"First, the Earth team! Meet Colonel Jack O'Neill, Major Samantha Carter, Doctor Daniel Jackson, Teal'c, Doctor Janet Fraiser, General Hammond, Dr McKay and Graham Simmons!"
(Wild cheering and bra-throwing)
"Now, the Tok'ra team! Meet Jacob Carter and Selmak, Martouf and Lantash, Freya and Anise!"
(Not-so wild cheering, and no bras)
"And now the Tollan team, which consists of…Narim!!"
(Embarrassed-sounding cough from the audience. Wind whistles through the stadium)
"Representing the NID is Colonel Maybourne and Malcolm Barrett!"
(Loud booing from the audience, except for the occasional bra being thrown at Maybourne)
"And finally, a new team to the Olympics 2004 - the Goa'uld! We have Apophis, Ba'al, Hathor, Nirrti, Seth and Anubis!"
(Extremely loud booing)
"Anyway, I hear you ask: Why are some teams bigger than others? Well, it is simple. The Earth team are so skilled that they do not all have to appear in each event, so will be spread out evenly. The Tollan, for example, only have Narim, who will have to compete in every event."
"Now, to begin! The Olympic Opening Ceremony! The flame will be lit by none other than…Thor?"
The audience watched in hushed silence as Thor stood up from his seat next to the enthusiastic commentator and walked over to receive the flame. He looked at it blankly for a few moments.
Someone in the audience sneezed. Some cheery trumpet music started playing, and several men in pink tutus were lowered down from the ceiling, playing harps. A chorus of budgies began to sing in the corner of the stadium, and white fluffy rabbits pranced about the floor.
Thor frowned. At least, he did the Asgard equivalent of a frown. He held the torch out in front of him, walking steadily towards the dish where the flame would be held for the duration of the Olympics. As he did this, a line of men dressed up as elves skipped up and ran in a circle around the stadium, playing flutes.
(Audience goes "Ooooooh!" . Goa'uld team laughs. Others look thoroughly bored.)
Thor was very confused. There were shapes and colours whizzing around his face, making it difficult to see the light in front of him. He understood that the Tau'ri considered this to be a great honour, but it seemed incredibly stupid. He was so deep in thought that he didn't look where he was going, and tripped over a fluffy white rabbit that was prancing about in front of him.
The next series of events happened so fast that almost nobody could remember what they were. Thor tripped over the fluffy rabbit and DROPPED the Olympic flame. A gasp of horror went up from the audience as the flame rolled over and over, the rabbits scattered, the budgies stopped singing…and the elves caught fire.
"Aaaaarrrgggghhh!" One of the elves yelled, as his costume caught fire. He stepped out of line and ran towards the side of the stadium, black smoke pouring out behind him. Someone threw a bucket of water over him from the balcony, subsequently drenching the pink-tutu-clad men playing harps.
The increase of volume of the harp-playing tutu men meant that the wires holding them up in the air snapped, sending them crashing to the floor on top of the elves that were on fire. Fortunately, the dampness of the pink tutu-men put out the fires of the elves, and they all lay in an exhausted, panting heap.
Ba'al started to laugh, and continued to do so extremely loudly. Narim blushed, not entirely sure what to make of the situation, the Tok'ra tried to make a run for it and SG-1 just looked blankly at the scene in front of them. This was what apparently constituted a good opening ceremony.
Thor returned to his seat beside the enthusiastic commentator, blankly ignoring the stare he was being given. The commentator sat back down with a heavy thud and cleared his throat.
"And now, on with the Olympics!" He proclaimed loudly, getting cheers from the somewhat shocked audience. "Our first event - the men's 100 metre sprint!"
Men's 100 Metre Sprint
"Welcome back to the Olympics 2004 Coverage! I'm your commentator, and we're about to join the competitors for the men's 100 metre sprint! Competing for Earth we have Colonel O'Neill!"
(Wild cheering, bra throwing, etc)
"And, for the Tok'ra, Jacob Carter!"
(More cheering)
"Competing for the Tollan, we have Narim!"
(Cheering)
"For the NID, we have Colonel Maybourne!"
(Loud cheering, bra throwing)
"And for the Goa'uld, Apophis!"
(Loud booing)
Apophis frowned, and stuck two fingers up at the crowd, who gasped in feigned shock.
"On your marks! Get set….GO!"
Jack set off in lane 1, smirking as Narim got his foot stuck in the starting block and couldn't move. He was worryingly aware of Jacob closing in on him in lane 2, and put on an extra burst of speed.
"Yes, Colonel O'Neill and Jacob Carter are vying for first place!" the commentator shouted happily, "Apophis is coming in a close second, Maybourne third…and Narim hasn't moved yet! We believe his foot is stuck in the starting block - more on that later!"
Jacob smirked at Jack as he went blinding past him to take the first place medal. Jack's mouth fell open in disbelief as he crossed the line a poor second, Apophis taking the bronze for the Goa'uld and Maybourne panting as he fell across the finish line, medal-less.
"That's the first event, let's take a look at the scores!" The commentator shouted, over-enthusiastically.
"Gold medals are worth 8 points, Silver medals are worth 5 points, and Bronze medals are worth 2 points. That means that the Tok'ra are winning with 8 points, Earth come second with 5 points, the Goa'uld come third with 2 points, and the NID and the Tollan are vying not to be last with 0 points!"
(Cheering from the Tok'ra)
"We're going to take a short break, but join me in a few moments for the women's 400 metres!"
OLYMPIC SOUNDBITES:
"I can't believe it!" Jack whined, "I lost to f-BEEP-ing Jacob Carter! A Tok'ra!"
Jacob smirked. Apophis glared at no-one in particular. Narim still had his foot stuck in the starting block, but nobody seemed to care. Harry proudly stripped off his Olympic outfit to reveal…a leopard print thong!!
(Cheering from audience, more bra throwing!)
Women's 400 metres
"Hello, and welcome back! The SGC Olympics 2004 being hosted at a top-secret military base has already gone off with a bang! So far the Tok'ra have one gold medal, but will the next event change all that? Let's go down to the arena where the women's 400 metres is about to start!"
"Competing for gold today for Earth is Major Carter!"
(Loud cheering and boxer-throwing)
"For the Tok'ra, Anise!"
(Some cheering, no boxer-throwing)
"For the Goa'uld, Nirrti!"
(Loud cheering, boxer throwing)
"And for the Tollan…Narim!"
(Cheering dies off hesitantly. Didn't they say women's 400m??)
"On your marks…get set…GO!"
Sam started running in lane 1, but found this was difficult because of a pair of boxer shorts stuck on her head. She saw Nirrti go steaming ahead of her in a sparkly blue leotard and sighed. There was no way in hell that she was going to win this. It was running, for pete's sake!
Anise jogged along just in front of the camera, making sure that her bosom was bouncing just the right amount for them to get a good view. It was an added bonus when she passed Narim, who was running in last, with a starting block stuck to his foot. Still, she couldn't manage to get past Major Carter, who was running close behind Nirrti.
Nirrti smiled widely as she ran on to take the gold medal, and people cheered loudly. Sam collapsed in an exhausted heap after taking the silver, and Anise bounced home in third. Narim finally dragged himself over the line in last place, pulling at the block on his foot.
"At the end of the second event, the Goa'uld take gold, Earth gets another silver and the Tok'ra take bronze. That means that Goa'uld, Earth and Tok'ra are all drawing on 10 points, whilst the Tollan and the NID are yet to score! Our next event is mixed javelin - we'll be back after a short break."
OLYMPIC SOUNDBITES:
"Well done Sam!" Daniel said, running up and hugging his friend, "We got another silver!"
"Nirrti was just too fast," Sam said sadly.
"Don't worry," Daniel reassured her, and glared at Jack who was standing behind Sam, drooling.
Nirrti sat back down among the other system lords, looking very pleased with herself. Of course, they were all so stubborn and arrogant that they refused to congratulate each other, and just sat in silence, glaring.
Mixed Javelin
"Welcome back! Now we have a new event to the Olympics, the mixed javelin! For Earth we have Teal'c, for the Goa'uld we have Seth, for the Tok'ra we have Martouf, for the NID we have Malcolm Barrett and for the Tollan we have…Narim!"
(Wild cheering and underpant throwing)
"First to throw is Narim for the Tollan. May we have complete silence from the audience please."
Narim took aim and threw the javelin an impressive 3 metres. Stepping backwards, he was more pleased when he finally managed to pull the starting block off of his foot.
"Next to throw, Malcolm Barrett for the NID!"
Malcolm was determined not to let Maybourne and his thong put him off. Averting his gaze, he picked up the javelin and took aim. He threw the javelin an even more impressive 5 metres, snatching away Narim's brief moment of triumph.
"Please welcome Martouf of the Tok'ra to throw third!"
Martouf picked up the javelin and hefted it in his hand. Lantash blew a raspberry in his head, and made a rude comment about his sporting skills, or lack thereof. Gritting his teeth, he threw the javelin, but it only made 2 ½ metres. Lantash cackled wickedly.
"Next, Seth for the Goa'uld!"
Seth didn't really know what the hell he was doing there. He could see the woman who had killed him in the other side of the stadium and glared at her, eyes flashing. As a result, his concentration slipped and he threw the javelin a pathetic 50 cm, narrowly missing his foot.
"Oookay…finally, Teal'c for Earth!"
Teal'c picked up the javelin confidently and threw it, the muscles in his arm making several women in the front row faint. The javelin flew across the stadium and narrowly missed Senator Kinsey's head, who was sitting directly opposite Thor.
"That was… 450 metres!" The commentator said, slightly scared, "Which means that Earth takes gold, the NID take silver and the Tollan take bronze! Overall points stand as such: Earth is in the lead with 18, the Tok'ra have 10, drawing with the Goa'uld who also have 10, the NID have 5 and the Tollan have 2!"
(Cheering)
"Join us after this Olympic sound bite for the men's 200 metre butterfly!"
OLYMPIC SOUNDBITE:
"I am sorry, O'Neill. I was not aware that you wanted me to impale Senator Kinsey."
"It's all ruined, Teal'c!" Jack whined.
"Uh…Jack? We got our first gold medal," Sam reminded him.
"But we could have f-BEEP-ing killed Kinsey!" Jack said in despair.
Narim danced around happily at winning his first medal. They would be sorry they had mocked him, oh yes they would…
Men's 200m Butterfly
"Welcome back to the swimming pools for the men's 200 metre butterfly! I have never understood this stroke myself, just looks like a lot of flapping around to me…what do you think, Thor?"
"I concur with your statement," Thor replied, tipping his head slightly.
"Okay. Competing for Earth we have Dr McKay!"
Sam's mouth fell open as McKay stepped up to the pool, wearing lime green Speedos. Daniel turned a shade of grey, and Jack peed himself laughing.
"For the Tok'ra, Jacob Carter!"
Sam's mouth fell open even wider as her father stepped up to the pool, wearing bright pink Speedos. Daniel actually fainted this time, and Jack stopped laughing.
"For the Goa'uld, Ba'al and for the NID, Maybourne!"
Sam and Jack screamed simultaneously in horror as they saw Maybourne, wearing his leopard-print thong. It was a blasphemy against the underwear department that they had not seen since their brief stint in the Stargate Big Brother house.
"I thought Malcolm burned it!" Jack said, reeling backwards.
"And finally, for the Tollan, Narim!"
(Cheering from audience, as Narim has finally managed to drum up some support)
"Ready…set…GO!"
McKay unfortunately entered the pool at too great a velocity, and re-surfaced without his Speedos. He scrabbled around for them in the water, watching Jacob Carter's pink-Speedo clad butt disappear into the distance.
Harry swam ahead happily, not knowing if he was even doing the stroke right and not caring. Now that he had the thong, nothing could phase him. He sniggered as he turned around and saw a literally butt-naked McKay searching for his swimming trunks.
Jacob and Ba'al stormed ahead of the others, leaving Narim in a wake of foam. Ba'al hit the 100 metre point and performed an underwater somersault, shooting back up the pool to take the gold medal. Jacob followed not far behind him, and Harry casually turned up to take the bronze medal, still laughing at McKay who had only just found his trunks again.
"Well, here are the scores at the end of that revealing round!" The commentator snorted. "The Goa'uld took 8 points, the Tok'ra have 5 and the NID have 2. Overall scores are: Earth and the Goa'uld draw first place on 18 points each, the Tok'ra have 15, the NID have 7 and the Tollan are still stuck on 2."
"We will return after a short break," Thor interrupted, "For the women's gymnastic event."
OLYMPIC SOUNDBITE:
"I don't know what happened," McKay admitted, "One minute I was wearing them, the next I was b-BEEP-ck naked!"
"It is such a pleasure to win," Ba'al smirked, "Such a pity that the Tau'ri once again failed to make a successful impression. Still, there are many more rounds to go."
"My performance has been satisfactory," Narim sighed, "But in the Olympics this is just not good enough. I think someone needs to give me a kick up the BEEP."
"It's all in the thong," Harry said, waving his butt at the camera, "When I wear it, I become a different person. A new me."
"I do believe that my daughter has disowned me for appearing on national TV in pink Speedos," Jacob said dryly.
Women's Gymnastic
"Hello again! Hopefully you didn't miss our last pant-lowering event, but in case you did, here's a quick reminder!"
(Slow-motion videotape rolls of McKay diving into the water so fast that his Speedos were ripped off of his butt)
"Anyway, back to the women's gymnastic floor event! This is a very vague title but it basically means that they have 90 seconds to impress us all on this mat here. Let's meet the ladies!"
"For Earth, Janet Fraiser! For the Tok'ra, Anise! For the Goa'uld, Hathor, and for the Tollan…Narim! Please maintain complete silence as our first competitor takes to the floor - Narim for the Tollan."
Narim ran onto the mat and did a cartwheel. Feeling rather pleased with himself, he smoothed his hands down the sparkling yellow leotard that he was wearing and did the splits. This move caused Jack to pass out in the audience. He then hopped about a little more, did a roly-poly followed by a star jump and sat down in the middle of the mat.
Judge's Scores: 8-8-6-7
"Next up, Anise for the Tok'ra!"
Anise hadn't exactly planned a routine. All she needed to do was as much movement as possible to emphasise her bosom, and this meant lots of bouncing. She did star jumps onto the mat and a somersault, before doing a 360 degree turn so that the cameras had a panoramic view. After a particularly vigorous roly-poly, her leotard accidentally-on-purpose ripped down the middle.
Judge's Scores: 10-10-10-10
"Okay then…please welcome Janet Fraiser for Earth!"
Janet had hated gymnastics for as long as she had been alive, but she and Sam had fought about this event, and Janet had lost. Janet, they decided, was the one that would look better in a leotard, because Sam had too much leg and not enough around the front. Jack had begun to protest at this point of the argument. She carried out her routine carefully, with scientific accuracy as Sam had taught her, not wobbling as she did a double cartwheel and various other complicated moves.
Judge's Scores: 8-7-7-8
"Finally, welcome Hathor for the Goa'uld!"
As Hathor stepped onto the mat, it became clear that she had been shopping in the same places as Maybourne. Feeling threatened by Anise, she tried to do the same and emphasise her body, but tripped over the edge of the mat and fell on her nose, thus screwing up the rest of her sequence.
Judge's Scores: 4-4-2-5
"After that exciting round, the Tok'ra take gold, Earth takes silver and the Tollan get bronze! That makes the overall scores: Earth and Tok'ra draw on 23 points each, followed by the Goa'uld with 18, the NID with 7 and the Tollan with 4! Join us for men's weightlifting after another sound bite!"
OLYMPIC SOUNDBITE:
"I demand a f-BEEP-ing recount!" Hathor yelled.
"I guess I've just got a lot of gymnastic skill," Anise drawled, with a smirk on her face.
"Well, the judges were looking at Anise, but it wasn't her gymnastics," Janet said pointedly.
"I really like this colour on me," Narim mused, "What do you think? Does it make my bum look big?"
To Be Continued…
Author's Note: Silly idea that came to me yesterday. What do you think? Please send feedback to What events would you like to see in round 2?