He would never forgive himself. He would never be able to accept himself. How could he, after all that he had done?
It was his fault Emily was dead. He might not have been the one to pull the trigger, but she was dead because of him. Because he broke the one rule someone like him was never supposed to break.
She could have had a normal life with some normal guy who would probably love her more than he ever could. His love... he barely remembered how to love after all this time. After all the lives he ended without hesitation. He wondered how many Emilys he had killed. How many girls that were like her. At the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong man.
He was a monster.
She watced as he barely hung on to life. A part of him was fighting, but that part was too small to hang on for long. His wounds were serious, but he could survive if he wanted.
She understood his pain. It was the same pain she grappled with every day of her life since Daniel. Since they had killed Daniel. But she moved on. She had to move on, to help all of the Daniels of the world. All of the Alexs. All of the Emilys.
All of the people like Owen.
She needed him to live and she needed him to be able to move on. If he could, then so could she.
They could do it together.
She reached out to touch his bruised face, but stopped when she saw her hand shaking. She barely knew this man, but she knew him better than anyone else.
They were the same. He was the same as her. Pawns in a someone else's games.
He woke up. His body hurt like hell, but his eyes actually managed to open and he was kidding himself if he said it had nothing to do with Nikita's voice pleading with him to just wake up already.
She was calm as she explained her plans, her thoughts. Even though he tried to kill her (again) she didn't seem to mind to much.
She understood.
Even when she told him about Daniel, she was strong and collected. He couldn't see any sign of the depair that was knotting his stomach over and over, the constant urge to end his life.
At first, he believed she couldn't have loved Daniel as much as he loved Emily. In a sick way, that brought him relief. He wouldn't wish this on Nikita. He wouldn't wish this knawing guilt on anyone because who deserved it more than him? He was even worse than Percy. He killed the woman he loved.
But something about the woman who saved his unworthy ass gave him just a shred of hope. Just a small glimpse of a life that would actually mean something. She was so strong. Her mission was impossible, but she had a mission. God, he wanted a purpose. He wanted that fire in her eyes.
And somewhere, deep and buried beneath the outer layers of guilt, he wanted to help this strong woman. He wanted to thank her for seeing him as something other than Division's tool.
But that faith would be gone soon. He had to tell her the truth and the she would realize how wrong she was about him.
He killed Daniel.
She wanted to kill him, to feel his neck snap underneath her hands, but she couldn't. Not when she looked into his eyes and just saw a small, scared piece of a broken man.
She hated him, but she hated herself even more. She might not have left Daniel in that lake, but she sure as hell killed him. She killed the man she loved.
So she left him alive. A part of her forgave him. A small part, but it was there.
She hated herself for forgiving him.
Purpose.
It pumped fresh blood in his veins. It gave him enough strength to keep him moving forward. He found clothes, he wrote the note, and he moved forward.
When he killed Percy, and he would kill Percy, he would do it for Emily. He would do it for that sweet, innocent girl that was foolish and unsuspecting enough to fall in love with him.
But he would also do it for the one who gave him something to fight for again.
He would do it for Nikita.