Tonight I Wanna Cry, a good wife fanfic

Disclaimer: I don't own The Good Wife, or the song 'Tonight I Wanna Cry' by Keith Urban

Tonight I Wanna Cry

Alone in this house again tonight
I got the TV on, the sound turned down and a bottle of wine

I pace this apartment, our home, or what should have been our home, if he hadn't screwed around. I'm alone. He's taken the kids out for some time together. I have the TV on, but it's muted because I don't want to listen to the debates over our personal life, what's left of it. I look at the pictures of us smiling with the kids, with each other. He and I are always together in them. I'm never alone, except for right now, and it's not the worst feeling I've felt, but its high ranking.

There's pictures of you and I on the walls around me
The way that it was and could have been surrounds me

I'm feeling maudlin and it's only half because of the bottle of wine I've been drinking. I hate to see the pictures more and more. The way it was surrounding me in ways I just don't want to think about. I wish now that I would have walked away, or that he would have walked away. I wish one of us had left so that we didn't have to continue the farce that our marriage has become.

I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show
And I thought that being' strong meant never losing' your self-control
But I'm just drunk enough to let go of my pain
To hell with my pride, let it fall like rain
From my eyes
Tonight I wanna cry

I only stayed for the kids. I didn't want them to see how much I hate him now. I've never been one to exhibit my emotions and I certainly never lost control. But here and now, I can let everything out. I don't have to be strong. Fuck my pride and the pain he put me through. I'm so tired of everything and I just want to cry. So I do.

Would it help if I turned a sad song on?

Or maybe unfold some old yellow lost love letters
It's going to hurt bad before it gets better
But I'll never get over you by hiding' this way

I tried turning on some soft music, but only the sad songs seemed to be playing. I even tried to read the letters he wrote to me when we were first dating, hoping that it would rekindle some spark of the love I once felt for him, but all they do is make me hate him more. It hurts so much right now, but I know that it can only get better, at least I hope so anyway.

My tears are still running down my face. I'm losing every ounce of my self-control and the mask that I normally wear has shattered at my feet. I hate everything that I've become and that's why the mask has always been so necessary. It would hurt him and the children so much if they could see the real me beneath the surface that they love.

I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show
And I thought that being' strong meant never losing' your self-control
But I'm just drunk enough to let go of my pain
To hell with this pride, let it fall like rain
From my eyes

More tears fall, like rain, as I lay myself down in my empty bed. And as they burn their way across my cheeks and choke in my throat, my heart feels lighter, like something is mending. I only need to survive for a little while longer and everything will be back to normal.

Tonight I wanna cry