Occlumency Lessons
Intro: OOTP. The conversation in Umbridge's fire, somewhat altered to fit,
lasted a bit longer. "You must find a way to continue occlumency lessons,"
Remus told Harry. "Dumbledore thinks it's important so you should also."
Head cannon goes off and a smoking sign flutters to the ground. "I don't own Harry Potter but I do play in the Forbidden Forest."
"I'm not letting him near me again," Harry grumbled at the fire. "You don't understand how bad it is with him."
Sirius stamped a foot and growled, "I'm going up there and talk to Snape. I'll sort that greasy haired dungeon bat out."
"Sirius, let me talk to Harry," Remus said. Sirius muttered several vile remarks, then disappeared.
"Harry, there's nothing so important as you learning occlumency," Remus's fire voice said. "You must find a way to continue the lessons.
Dumbledore thinks it's important so you should also."
"You don't know what Snape is like," Harry growled back.
"Actually, I think I do," Remus replied in his always calm voice. "I did next to nothing to stop James and Sirius from tormenting him so I got jinxed and hexed as much as they did. Even today, though not enemies, he can barely talk to me from the memories. "I've tried to make peace but it will never be," Remus said, his face reflecting the verbal regret. "Nevertheless, the primary thing is Dumbledore wants you to take occlumency lessons and I agree with him. It is very dangerous for you if Voldemort gets into your head. Try to imagine what he could see and do to you. That is why you must find a way to continue lessons with Severus."
"That's all well and good for you," Harry said. "You don't come out of his office in a cold sweat or have to hear him making fun of you for having friends. You aren't shaking in anger after his digging into every part of your life and using it against you to make you seem fit only to be in one of his specimen jars. He hates me. I'm never going back."
"Did you know he still makes the Wolfsbane potion for me?" Remus calmly said. "Harry, it will be uncomfortable for you but it will be a lot worse if Voldemort gets into your head. Think about that. Think about being forced to betray your friends, perhaps put them in danger. Or worse. Think about it then try to talk to him."
Harry let out a huge sigh. "Okay, I'll think about it but don't expect miracles. I'm not sure he'll even let me in his office. Uh, during the last session he left me in his office, the pensieve was right there so I looked. I saw my dad and mother and Sirius, I even saw you. You were all taking a test then Sirius said he was bored when he and dad, you see..." He couldn't make himself finish the sentence.
"They went after Severus," Remus said. "Yes, I can see how he'd be upset. That must be a particularly nasty memory for him and to know you saw it makes it all the worse. We weren't very nice when we were that age. But I'd ask you to try to get past that incident. It's the most important thing you can do right now. Promise me you will try."
Harry frowned then slowly, with great reluctance, nodded his head. "I can't promise anything but I'll try," he said.
"That's all I ask for," Remus said with concern and understanding. "All you can do is try but try very hard. Make it work. I've told you why it's important. Keep that in mind."
"I ... I'll try," Harry said just as there was a sound by the door. "Someone's coming. Have to go."
After a day of thinking about it Harry found himself outside Snape's office. His hand twitched with the effort to raise up to knock on the door but he managed to make himself do it. It sounded hollow, foreboding to him.
"Come in," he heard from the other side of the door, reached down and put his hand on the handle, feeling the cold of the metal and more,
feeling the cold in his chest at the thought of what he was about to ask. Once again he'd have to face the bitter man, his disdain and his insults. It wasn't his fault what his dad did all those things years ago. Why couldn't Snape see that?
Harry opened the door and saw him at his desk looking over papers. When he looked up the expression on his face changed from a controlled neutrality to a look like he'd just stepped in something squishy and smelly.
"Potter," Snape said with a sneer. "I thought we'd decided the last time you were here I'd not have you disturbing the tranquility of my office. I believe the words were, 'ever again'."
"Yes sir," Harry said and swallowed. He thought getting it over fast would be best. "I've come to ask for more occlumency lessons."
With his thin lips twitching a bit Snape said, "I see. Why would you bother? You never showed much desire to strengthen your mind against legilimency when you were here before, instead you invaded my privacy against all common courtesy and civil behavior. Do you think me unworthy of respect? Or perhaps I might have forgotten? Why should I show any trust for your future behavior after what you did the last time you were here?"
"I know I shouldn't have done what I did," Harry said. "I apologize for doing it. I have no excuse for looking in the pensieve. If I had known what was there I wouldn't have done it. I just couldn't stop myself. It was there and ..."
In a searing voice Snape said, "You thought you were entitled to know, like always."
Harry felt his body tensing at the sting of the words, especially coming from his worst teacher, and it made him want to throw things, break something, curse him and run out of the office all at once. It had just been curiosity after all. But he'd promised Remus he'd try so he swallowed the pain of hearing the accusation and the bitter, angry feelings trying to tear though his chest. He must say what he came to say.
"Do you know what I saw?" Harry asked.
"Not precisely," Snape said in a dangerous tone, changing to sickly sweet. "But you found it amusing and insightful, did you?"
There was an expectant look on Snape's face, like he was about to bite into a sweet pasty and Harry was going to hand it to him. It galled him but he had said he'd try.
"I saw my father being a bully," Harry softly said and watched as Snape's eyebrows twitched from a sneer to surprise for just a moment before going back to neutral once again.
"He had you hanging upside down, tried to get a date from my mother then told everyone he was going to take your pants off," Harry said. "I think you see him whenever you see me but I'm not him. I'm me. I want you to see me from now on, not someone from the past. What I saw him do in the pensieve was wrong. I'm sorry for what he did to you but it wasn't me that did it so stop blaming me for it."
Snape contemplated the young student standing in front of his desk boldly telling him off and found himself actually agreeing with him. His mouth relaxed then slowly turned up in a grin with his eyes following in amusement.
"You know Potter, I don't believe anyone has ever had the cheek, the sheer nerve or boldness to come into my office and say to me what you just said," Snape said with a most uncharacteristic grin. "I must reevaluate you in that respect. You are quite as courageous a young lad as Dumbledore thinks, aren't you?"
Harry wondered when he was going to see a wand come out to curse his nose off or something equally nasty, shivered a little at the thought of not being able to do much about it if it happened and just stood there waiting for it. Oddly, Snape was smiling at him, really smiling, looking like he might crack out in laughter and that caused more worry for the unexpectedness of it. If that smile meant a wand full of curses or a lifetime of detention for what he'd said he was really in for it.
"Harry," Snape said calmly, raising from his chair, still smiling softly, "I have to say I am quite surprised with you. Lupin said you were much more than you seemed. I never imagined you could stand up for yourself in such a mature manner. And apologizing for your father, that is astonishing. I am impressed you had this in you and much more, the strength to admit to the truth. I truly wish we could be on better terms."
Harry frowned in confusion hearing, 'better terms'. Why would he say that? And why was he smiling? A smiling Snape was quite scary indeed.
"What you didn't see in that memory, Harry," Snape went on, the smile fading from his lips, "is I have been working for Dumbledore and the Order for a long time. I want to see the Dark Lord dead. I want to see it happen. I want to see him suffer and know his defeat before he dies in whatever horrible manner can be arranged. I have wanted that ever since he went after Lily, your mother, and killed her.
"The Headmaster has plans, I know he does," Snape said. "I don't know them and he cannot risk informing me. You, however, we must keep you alive and safe for the day when you can do your part in his downfall. I am an accomplished occlumens, the fact I am still alive after all I have done is proof of that. However, I cannot say I could hold out forever if there is suspicion I might not be what I seem to be."
Harry tried to say something but Snape held up his hand.
"Hear me out on this," Snape said. "I cannot afford that suspicion or Dumbledore's plans will fail. Further, you have not shown a desire to keep your emotions under control which leaves you open and vulnerable. I have tested you but what I have done is a pittance compared to what the Dark Lord would do. You know this after what happened in that graveyard. The risk of you knowing too much could spell disaster for everyone. The admirable courage and honesty you have shown me tonight, unfortunately,
cannot take the place of a proper conspiracy; our efforts to defeat him are too important to take any unnecessary risk. In a way I would like to be part of your life but that is quite impossible. I am sorry for that. I cannot be anything other than what I must be."
Harry saw the wand come out so fast it was a blur, tried to move back but already knew he was in serious trouble. His feet wouldn't obey him, his arms were limp weights hanging from his shoulders, his whole body frozen up. Dark black eyes met his then he felt his mind pried open. He tried to fight but there was nothing he could do. He tried to be scared but even that was taken from him. Like a fly in a web with venom filled fangs approaching, he felt a consuming doom coming as those dark eyes bored into his brain.
"Potter, you will remember that you came to my office but I refused to listen to a word you said." Snape held still as he planned out what he had to do. "I ridiculed you and called you an inveterate liar. You became angry and shouted and I ordered you out of my office. This is what you will tell your friends. This is what you will believe. But, there may come a time when you need my help or there is something I can do to help you destroy the Dark Lord forever. When that time comes, I will be there for you. I do this in Lily's memory. She was so beautiful."
Snape searched and found his words had sunk in the right place and smiled again, this time with sour bitterness. Lonely pain bubbled deep inside.
He had taken a lot worse than a boy's dislike and he would take even more to be able to see the Dark Lord's fall, but it still hurt. His mouth turned up in a predatory grin at the thought of living long enough to see his vengeance realized. He stared into Potter's eyes once more.
"You must protect yourself. You must stay alive until you can strike him down. You must think and plan, then you must kill him the moment you get a chance to do so," Snape said then decided where he had to lead him next.
"You will forget what I said about you. You are outraged with my attitude. You will continue to dislike me," Snape said. "Now, you are in my office and I am refusing to hear your pitiable attempt to placate me. I am making you fail once again by not believing a word of it. You believe I said you are deluded and a most annoying, pity seeking failure. You are as angry with me as you have ever been. Awake!"
Harry glared at the teacher in front of him. He had tried. If anyone asked him he could say he tried but there was nothing he could say to the man, nothing he could ever do to make any kind of difference.
"You're not going to listen, are you?" Harry shouted.
"Sir or Professor," Snape said calmly, "unless you feel detention is needed to teach you manners. Then you could tell all your friends what a suffering hero you are, as I am sure you are wont."
Harry shook with rage then spit out, "Sir," barely able to control himself.
"I will listen when you have something of substance to say to me," Snape said. "Until then, leave this office. I have work to do."
Harry's hands clenched and his teeth ground together. He so wanted to pull his wand and show this ... this ... He wanted to show him what he could do. But he knew more the price he would pay for trying it. He turned and strode out of the office, only slightly slamming the door behind him just to deny the man the pleasure of knowing how angry he was.
Severus Snape sat down heavily then reached into a drawer to withdraw a small trinket: a faded and worn woven bracelet Lily made for him when they were both so young. It looked small and forlorn in his hand. "How long must this go on? How long before he's dead and gone? I swear I'll live to see the day I may avenge your death. It is all I have left. Lily, I'm sorry. Please understand what I must do and what I must be to your son. If there was another way I'd take it but there isn't. Forgive me the pain I must cause to bring him down."
A tear leaked from one eye and he swiped it with anger at the weakness it showed. Then he thought once again of the Headmaster. He had a plan, Snape knew it in his heart, but there had not been a clue what it could be. He smiled a little as he thought of a way he might find out what it was and how he may yet witness the death of the only enemy remaining. It was his sole purpose now, to live to see that day.
A/N: This would tie in to Harry going into the boathouse. A bit of fiction to explain that desire. This one was fun to write.
Head cannon goes off. A smoking sign flutters to the ground saying, Please Review.