Hey guys! I'm on break again which means I've had some time to write. This is a short holiday one-shot from the If Only I had Known universe. If you haven't read it, I don't know how well this will be able to stand alone.
Thanks to my Beta for editing :)
Enjoy and review if you please.
Jane sits in bed reading crinkled, crayon covered pages. She can tell how much effort her daughter put into the list just by the quality of her usually almost illegible handwriting.
"Finally," Maura sighs, entering the room and interrupting her attempts to discern the words on the paper.
"You finally got him to sleep?" Jane asks as Maura takes a seat next to her on the bed.
"Yeah. He finally stopped coughing; hopefully the medicine helps him sleep through the night. I made an appointment with the pediatrician tomorrow," she explains. Jane can see that she's worried and clearly upset by the fact that Oliver has been coughing up a storm for the past three days.
"Winter flu is common, honey. You're doing a great job," Jane commends her.
"I just hate when one of our babies is sick. Especially because I don't want the other two to get it," she sighs.
"Do you want me to come to the doctor with you?" Jane asks.
"Please?" Maura begs.
"Of course," Jane promises. She pulls her wife into an embrace and kisses her forehead.
"What are you doing?" Maura questions as her eyes land on the papers that are now sitting on the bed.
"Sofia snuck her Christmas list to Santa in the mailbox today," Jane explains.
"Already?" Maura questions.
"Hey the girl is persistent and timely," Jane shrugs.
"So what are we in for this year?" Maura wonders.
"Well let's just say, she's reached the pony stage," Jane laughs and hands her wife the list.
"The pony stage?" Maura wonders.
"Yeah, every little girl wants a pony at some point in their life," Jane shrugs.
"And you did too?" Maura wonders.
"Hey, there was some point in time when I was a normal little girl!" Jane says defensively.
"Oh, honey. I didn't mean it that way," Maura tries to assuage her by kissing her gently on the lips.
"Don't tell me you didn't want a pony when you were younger," Jane wonders.
"My mother probably would have preferred that," Maura sighs. "I wanted a chemistry set."
"My little Maura was always a little nerd, huh?" Jane laughs.
"Don't make fun of me," Maura pouts.
"Never!" Jane defends. She leans over and kisses Maura's pout away. "I love you, my little nerd."
"Mmm I love you too," Maura replies while pulling Jane into another, deeper kiss. "What else does she want? A pony is out of the question," Maura says once she's had her fill.
"Is it really? I thought we could keep it in the backyard," Jane chuckles, earning a slight shove from her wife. "Okay ummm," she pauses trying to read the next thing on the list. "An American Girl doll. They still make those?" Jane wonders.
"Yes and done," Maura approves.
"Okay, that's not so bad. Next thing is… tickets to the Justin Bieber concert. That little tool is still making music?" Jane asks.
"You're not well verse in what is still popular," Maura laughs. "I guess that makes me the cool mom."
"Yeah right. And I'm going to have to veto this. Absolutely not." Jane says.
"I can't say I disagree," Maura laughs. "Barbie college collection," she reads off.
"There's a college collection for Barbie now? Do they come complete with tiny booze bottles and sorority jackets?" Jane asks.
"Jane," Maura gasps.
"What?" She shrugs, causing Maura to chuckle.
"You're so bad."
"You love it," Jane says.
"Only a little," Maura says coyly.
They spend the next twenty minutes continuing through their daughter's list deciding what to agree on.
"You need to teach your daughter to lower her expectations a bit," Jane says once they're almost through the list.
"I'm not the one who spoils her," Maura argues.
"You're right we need to sit my ma down and tell her to stop spoiling our kids," Jane responds.
"Says the one who bought Sofia those pink Nikes last week and August that new video game," Maura says as she crosses her arms and gives Jane the look.
"Okay… Well… I mean," Jane stutters.
"Yeah, our kids had you wrapped around their little fingers the moment they came into our lives," Maura laughs.
"What are we going to do when Oliver gets into the I want stage?" Jane asks.
"You don't take him grocery shopping with you, he's already in it honey," Maura admits.
"Already?" Jane wonders.
"He's four, Jane. He's been in the I want stage for a while." Maura tells her.
"Well at least he can't write those wants down yet," Jane laughs. "What else do we got?"
"A puppy." Maura says looking at the paper. "A puppy?" She repeats questioningly this time.
"Maura," Jane sighs.
"Jo passed away a year ago, Jane. Maybe a new puppy isn't such a bad idea," Maura begs.
"Next," Jane presses, ignoring Maura's plea.
Maura looks at her with pleading eyes before giving in and finishing off the list. "A little sister," she reads smirking a little bit. She's been pressuring Jane for a few months to consider having one more baby before it's too late. Now her daughter is doing the same thing.
"If I agree to the puppy can we ignore that one?" Jane asks.
"Jane-"
"Maura we've had this conversation, three is enough," Jane says.
"But we said at least one of each," Maura argues.
"That was before we decided to adopt, Maura. I'm not having another baby," Jane says with finality.
"I will!" Maura pleads.
"Maura, no!"
"We can afford it, your mother helps us out when we are at work, we still have all of Oliver's baby stuff. Why did we keep that if you didn't consider we might have another baby?" Maura asks.
"First of all, my mother already has to take care of our three kids, plus Frankie's two kids. That's more than enough for her. And we kept it in case a friend of ours needed baby stuff," Jane explains.
"Like who? Frost? Riley had a baby six months ago and you didn't even offer it to her," Maura argues, her voice rising slightly.
"Maura, we will get the damn dog, but we aren't having another baby and that's final," Jane shouts.
"Give me one good reason," Maura begs.
"I gave you three good reasons," Jane argues.
"Those are not good reasons, you're just making excuses," Maura replies.
"How about this, you're 42-years-old, Maura, with one kidney. It's dangerous and I'm not putting your life at risk or losing you for a child we don't need to have," Jane yells. Tempers are flaring and she doesn't want to say anything mean that she might regret. It's a sign she needs to leave the room, so she does.
She goes into the bathroom and decides to take a shower to cool off before bed.
She's been avoiding this argument with Maura for months. Every time Maura has brought up another baby, she's tried to steer the conversation away from it. But it's been getting more and more difficult as Maura has become more and more persistent.
It's not like she's completely against it. She loves babies and she loves their children. But she just knows it's impractical and unsafe for them to have another child.
If they hadn't wasted so much time to admit their feelings for each other they probably would be arguing over having a fifth child right now.
But she thinks they're too old and even with modern medicine it's too dangerous. The complications she had while pregnant with Oliver still worry her and she was 38 then.
And Maura just isn't physically capable of having an easy and safe pregnancy. Having one kidney already makes pregnancy more complicated.
She tries to let it go while she relaxes under the warm water. She hates fighting with Maura, especially when she has to be the bad guy.
The shower helps cool her temper. She brushes her teeth and reenters her bedroom where she finds the lights dimmed and Maura under the covers.
She worries that her wife is sulking and it's a sight she knows she'll hate to bear, but she's not willing to sleep on the couch. Even if she thinks Maura has the right to put her there.
She hates having to tell Maura no when it comes to expanding their family, but she really thinks she has their best interests at heart.
When she gets into bed, it's cold and unwelcoming and all she wants to do is wrap her arms around her wife, but she isn't sure if it's something Maura would shrug off or accept.
She lays stiff for a long moment until Maura turns over and makes the first move.
She cuddles into her like nothing ever happened and it just makes Jane feel that much worse. If she isn't the definition of a villain right now, she doesn't know what is.
The next day it's as if their argument never happened. She goes to the doctor with Maura and watches as her wife takes so much care with Oliver. She's gentle as she cares for him and wipes his nose and pats his back while he coughs. It's another addition to your villainy. Maura is an amazing mother.
The baby talk is off the table for weeks. Maura knows not to bring it up again and things go on as normal. Jane thinks that maybe, her reasoning as to why a baby is a bad idea finally stuck with Maura.
The Christmas season goes on as usual as they procure the items they can get on their children's lists.
A new baseball mitt and soccer cleats for August.
An American Girl Doll for Sofia.
Star Wars Legos and a Razor scooter for Oliver.
Etc.
Oddly enough a puppy shows up on August's list as well, which is arguably more rational than Sofia's.
Maura doesn't even pay attention to it when they go over his list together.
And when the whole family is at the park and Oliver points excitedly to a dog and begs to take it home, she doesn't even respond.
It hurts a tad and Jane doesn't even know why. She just knows that Maura's indifference to the idea of a dog, which she was once so excited for, seems like a punch to the gut.
She doesn't hold anything over Jane's head. They function as normal. They make love as often and as passionately as before. They cuddle and say they love each other as often as any average day.
But that doesn't stop Jane from thinking about it and worrying that deep down, Maura resents her for it.
Maybe that's just guilt.
But she won't give in.
She's being rational.
On Christmas day, it's a giant get together.
Now that Frost has a family of his own, it seems like the whole clan is complete. He, Riley and their daughter Cassie join the entire Rizzoli family at Maura's house for dinner.
Presents are done early in the day before everyone arrives, and it's a giant success.
Especially when Jane leaves for twenty minutes and returns with a rather large box that she tells Sofia, Oliver and August multiple times not to shake.
When the kids open it and find a small golden retriever puppy inside, screams of laughter and joy fill the house. All the material possessions they received are forgotten as they play with the dog they decided to name Potato.
It's a name Jane doesn't quite agree with, but the kids agreed on it and that's better than them fighting over a name.
Maura's eyes are filled with love and adoration when the kids open the present she was just as surprised to see.
Korsak and her mother were happy to watch the puppy for a week while she hid its existence from her family.
While the kids are distracted Maura makes her way across the room to take a seat on her wife's lap. She doesn't say anything, but puts her arms around her and hugs her tightly.
It speaks volumes, though.
Jane did well.
"I love you," Jane speaks to her wife and Maura just responds with a kiss, which is met with resounding "ews" from their children who are now paying attention to their parents.
Oliver walks over and tries to join his parents on their laps and then Sofia and August take that as their cue to bring the puppy and join in on the family pile up.
As the house busies with guests the house gets significantly rowdier. The kids fill the house and at least one adult is telling a child to stop running every second.
Maura, Natalie, Korsak and Angela work in the kitchen to prepare dinner.
Riley sits on the couch and takes care of her daughter, while Tommy goofs off with all the kids. It's a crowd he still fits in with.
Jane, Frankie and Frost step outside and sit on the porch to get some quiet while they talk about the post season of football and other insignificantly important things in their lives.
It's all usual conversation until Jane blurts out: "Maura wants to have another baby."
"Alright," Frost chants.
"Congrats, sis," Frankie adds.
"I told her no," Jane admits.
"Oh," Frankie and Frost say in unison.
"I feel awful about it, but I'm worried we are too old, ya know?" Jane asks hoping they'll understand more than Maura.
"I guess I understand, but you guys are only 42 and 60 year olds have had babies," Frankie says, scratching his neck awkwardly. It's a conversation he isn't really prepared to be having with his sister.
"Those were flukes, Frankie," Jane argues.
"Maybe, but you and Maura are both healthy and active adults, I think it would be fine. Have you guys consulted your doctor?" Frost wonders.
"No, I just told Maura no," Jane explains.
"You flat out denied your wife? Dang you've got balls," Frost chuckles.
"It's not about having fucking balls, Frost. I feel terrible, okay?" Jane sighs.
"Do you want another kid, Janie? I mean, three is a pretty good amount. Julia and I have decided two is plenty," Frankie says.
"Hell, Riley and I are stopping at one just like Tommy," Frost adds.
"I don't know, I'm not opposed to another kid, I'm just worried. Pregnancy is taxing when you're young. Over 40 and I think it's just gonna be too difficult," Jane admits. "Was it wrong of me to say no?"
"I really don't know, Janie. That's something you've got to work out yourself," Frankie says.
"Yeah, that's too big of a decision for us to help you make," Frost agrees.
"Is she still pressuring you?" Frankie wonders.
"No, she gave up weeks ago, but I feel like she resents me for it," Jane tells them.
"You guys seemed pretty lovey dovey in there to me," Frost says.
"Yeah, I mean she's not openly upset. I can't really explain it, she just really wants another kid," Jane says.
"Maybe you should adopt again," Frankie suggests.
"It's difficult. We were lucky to get Auggie and there were so many humps along the way. Plus I think Maura wants another biological child, a baby most specifically," Jane sighs. "Trust me, I've considered the alternative. But adopting a baby is hard."
"What about a surrogate? You guys have the money," Frost says.
"I am not paying someone to carry our baby for us," Jane denies.
"Well I don't know what to tell you. All I can say is, if you want another baby, sitting here thinking about it is only wasting time," Frankie shrugs.
"I need another beer," Jane says, changing the subject and heading inside.
Indoors, she finds Riley and Maura have switched places.
She watches her wife sitting on the couch, holding Frost's six-month-old daughter and rocking her to sleep. She's so gentle and sweet. It sparks the thought in her, about how much she misses her wife holding a baby.
So it hasn't been that long, but it's a sight she could never tire of. Never.
And since Frankie, Frost and Tommy have all decided not to have any more children it's an image she begins to realize will be fleeting.
She joins her wife on the couch and watches as Maura's face looks almost as if she's been caught with her hand in the cookie jar.
It proves to Jane that Maura has been avoiding the baby topic.
"Can I hold her?" Jane asks, holding her hands out to take the baby from Maura.
Maura hands her over and Jane presses the little girl to her chest.
After a brief time of rocking the little girl, she falls asleep on Jane's shoulder.
"You always had that magic touch with our kids," Maura whispers once she notices that Cassie is asleep.
Jane can't help but smile at that. Maura was the gentler more caring mother between the two of them. But Jane was always the soother. Put a baby in her arms and they'd go right to sleep.
Maura always says it's because they feel safe in her arms. Jane just thinks it's because she's a lot more boring than Maura.
Maura helps Jane place the little girl in her carrier and they just watch her sleep for a few moments.
"Are you sure you want to do this again?" Jane whispers to her.
Maura just looks at Jane puzzled for a moment.
"You really want to have another baby?" Jane clarifies.
She doesn't respond with words, rather by grabbing Jane's hand and pulling her towards the downstairs bathroom for some privacy. She locks them both in and just stares at Jane as if trying to decide what to say.
"Have I rendered you speechless?" Jane chuckles.
"I just don't know what to say," Maura admits.
"Answer the question," Jane presses.
"You were so adamantly against another baby, Jane," Maura says.
"And now I'm not," Jane shrugs.
"Because I pressured you," Maura sighs.
"You didn't pressure me, Maur," Jane promises her.
"Jane you were so sure you didn't want another baby last month. You were right it's dangerous and we don't need another baby. I don't want you to make this decision because of me, you know that," Maura explains.
"It's my decision and I want another baby," Jane says surely.
"What changed your mind?" Maura wonders.
"You with our kids and with Cassie. You're a wonderful mother Maura and I want you to have another chance before it really is too late," Jane says.
"But you don't want another baby, Jane," Maura says.
"I want another baby," Jane argues.
"You want me to have another baby," Maura corrects. "I don't want you to decide this in order to make me happy. We've already discussed this."
"Why must you make things so difficult, Maura? Can't you just accept that I've changed my mind?" Jane begs.
"No," Maura says simply.
It makes Jane want to tear her hair out. Maura and her morals or beliefs or whatever they may be. Jane thought she'd be let off easy and Maura would be so happy that she's finally agreeing to another baby. Now they're on the borderline of another argument over a baby, and Jane is the one who's pushing for it this time.
"Maura," Jane whines, stepping closer to her wife. "Don't you wanna go through all that excitement again? Getting pregnant and waiting to find out the sex? All that shopping we can do for baby stuff and telling the family we're pregnant again?" She challenges Maura as she pulls her in her arms.
"Do you?" Maura asks seriously. Her resolve not weakening like Jane hoped.
"Yes!" Jane shouts, but Maura looks unconvinced.
She lets out an exasperated sigh before looking her wife in the eyes.
"I want another baby, Maura. Of course I want another baby with you. I was just scared of the risks and now I'm willing to take those risks. Do you know why?" Jane asks earning a shake of the head from her wife.
"Because even though it's a pain in the ass and I may hate it on the day to day basis, I actually love the swollen feet, and the nausea, and constant hunger and crazy emotions that come with pregnancy. I love it because it's all worth it when we first hear that pinched cry. And I may hate getting up in the middle of the night when we've got to be up early for work. I hate dirty diapers and the spit up and the constant crying. But Maura as much as I tell myself I hate it, I really don't. Not at all, because I'm going through all that with you. And because I get to watch you be the most wonderful loving mother to our kids. I love raising our family with you, and I'd be crazy to deny another chance at that," Jane says.
"Maura, can we have another baby?" Jane asks. "Please?"
"Jane," Maura sighs. This time, Jane's sure her resolve has weakened considerably.
She leans forward and captures her wife's lips in a light kiss. "Please," she whispers once again against Maura's lips.
When she feels Maura nod lightly she kisses her again, deeper this time. "What's that?" She asks.
"Yes," Maura answers with words this time before capturing Jane's lips in a heated kiss.
It's not meant to go too far, but soon Jane lifts Maura onto the sink and starts kissing down her neck.
Maura considers stopping her, but it just feels too good, especially after making the decision they've just made.
Jane is close to undoing Maura's dress when they're broken apart by a knock on the door.
They clean themselves up quickly, and step out of the bathroom cautiously to find Frost on the other side, looking them up and down suspiciously.
"Really you guys?" He asks.
"We were just talking, Barry," Maura says before walking off. Frost follows her with his eyes and watches as she rubs at her neck.
"Talking my ass," he smirks at Jane.
"Shut up and use your bathroom," Jane says after punching him in the arm and following her wife into the kitchen.
The rest of the holiday continues as usual, except now Maura and Jane can't keep their eyes and hands to themselves as they become inseparable for the rest of the night.
Tomorrow begins the journey to expand their family once again.
Fun facts: Part of this was inspired by that annotated christmas list that's been going around. If you haven't read the article give it a read. The dad has some pretty funny things to say about his daughter's absurd list.
My Beta liked that the kids decided to name the dog Potato. It was actually taken from real life though, when a friend of mine found a dog and got everyone to start calling it Potato. I thought it'd fit well here :)
I think that's it for now.
Keep your eyes out for another one-shot! That one will be free standing, unrelated and from Maura's POV.
Happy holidays!