Remembering Good-bye

by PainfulMemories.BrokenMoments

Everyone thought she was fine. No one could see her falling into darkness. No one realized she was drowning in her own pain. No one ever realized how far gone she really was. I guess no one ever realized that the her they were talking to wasn't really her, and I guess thats what hurt her to most. The fact that no one ever noticed that she was gone. (One-shot) (Contains depression)

Hey, guys, I'm back with a one shot. I hope y'all like it, Please review. Also updates for the rest of my stories will be coming soon.

Everyone thought I didn't understand what was going on around me. Everyone thought I was the happiest most care-free person in the world. Everyone thought I had never been hurt. People didn't think I understood life, but the truth was I understood all to well. I understood everything people went through, and I didn't judge. I tried to help, but I couldn't because I didn't understand. I understand that I'm an accident. I understand that I wasn't wanted. That I wasn't needed. I understand that words hurt a lot more than people think. I remember trying to tell people I understand. That only made them doubt me more. I remember trying to be like everyone else. I remember trying to fit in, but I didn't, and I knew that. I remember laying awake at night trying to write a letter saying good-bye. I remember trying to tell you good-bye, but you said you hated that word. You said we would talk again, and we did, but it wasn't me. I was already gone. The person you would talk to looked like me, but it wasn't me. I wasn't me anymore. I wasn't innocent, and care-free. I was broken, telling myself that I would be okay. I would tell myself that I'm going to be okay, and as many times as I told myself that I never believed it.

People tell you to keep holding on, and I tried, but it was so much harder than you think. I was constantly on a line between giving up, and seeing how much more I could take. I wasn't me anymore, I would fall asleep to tears on my cheeks. I would fall asleep to scars running down my wrist. I would fall asleep only to awake later, because of a night-mare. It wasn't me getting through the day anymore. I would grasp onto anything that could get me through the day. I would grasp onto anything that could take the pain away. I would grasp onto anything that would make me forget, because thats all I really wanted. To be okay. I remember telling you I wanted to leave. You didn't understand what I meant then. You asked me where I wanted to go, and I whispered, "Away, I want to be gone. I want to be somewhere no one will ever find me." You didn't hear me. You said, "I couldn't leave, because you needed me." I remember when you told me, "And even when you're falling apart, you have to keep holding on." I looked at you, and I smiled, but we both knew I was trying not to cry. I lay awake at night thinking, "How many times can I break until I shatter?" I remember telling you I'm lost only you didn't understand. You asked me where I was lost at, and I whispered, "Inside of my head." "Every thought is a battle, every breath is a war, and I don't think I'm winning anymore." I then hung up the phone, and broke down. I knew that you didn't hear me, but I didn't want to imagine if you did. You would leave just like everyone else. If you really knew what went through my mind. If you knew what I would do to myself when I was alone. You just wouldn't understand how hard it really is to know that you should be gone, but you're not, and it's killing you. The thoughts would eat me alive. I would wake up, only to wish I was back asleep, because when I'm awake my life has a tendency to fall apart.

You were the only one who really wanted to understand, and I wouldn't let you. I couldn't let you. The thoughts began to consume me, and I would wish I was dead. I didn't want you to know how far gone I really was, so I would smile, and I would laugh. I would pretend like it's not hurting me. In reality I was falling apart. I was so far gone, and it just didn't make sense. How did I turn into this. I use to be so innocent. Every-time someone said something bad I would flinch, but now the thoughts take over my head. Telling me that it's okay to hurt myself. When I told you I was okay, you would go along with, it but we both know it was because I didn't want you to know. You still wanted me to think I had some control over my body, when I don't. You wanted me to think I was going to be okay, even if I wouldn't be.I remember when people would ask me if I was okay, I would say yes, no matter what, because they didn't care. They were just being polite. I remember waking up at night with tears streaming down my face. I would lie awake the rest of the night asking myself is it really worth it to be here? Is it really worth all of this hurt to live?

I remember coming home from school. Nothing was right. I walked up the stairs into my room only to find you there. You looked at me, and I knew what was happening, You said that I didn't understand. That I was to young to, but we both knew that you were just trying to make it easier on you. You were protecting yourself. You didn't want to be the one to set me off. You didn't want to be the one to drive me off the edge. You didn't set me off. I was ready to go. I was just waiting for my escape. I never wanted to be here. I never wanted to be hurt this badly. I never asked for any of it, but no one does. You always told me that bad things happen to good people, and I believed you. I was an accident, and when accidents are gone no one complains. They just apologize, so if I left everything would be okay. Before you left I used to tell you that there was a difference between giving up, and knowing when you've had enough. Well, I've had enough. I'm ready to leave. I want to leave, but I don't know if I can.

I lay awake at night thinking that when I do leave everything will be okay. I remember asking you, "If I killed myself tonight the stars would still shine, the sun would still come out, the earth would still rotate, and the seasons would still change, so why not?" You replied almost instantly. "How about because of all the people that would be devastated? How about because the world would be losing an angel on the ground? How about because the stars would not shine as bright to the people that love you, because you would no longer be here? I can never say that things will get better, I can't say that your life will magically be perfect, I wish I could but I can't, so you have to keep holding on. I believe that you can beat the demons that reside in your mine. Just keep holding on." I didn't reply, I just walked away. I couldn't believe him, I went home, and I broke down. That was the first time I tried. I stood up, and went to the kitchen, I grabbed a knife, and walked into the bathroom. I sat down, and just thought about everything that tore me apart. I don't have anything left to live for anymore. Everyone is gone. That was the first time I had ever ran a blade down my wrist. At first it stung, but then it didn't. I felt like I could breathe. I felt like I had control over my body, at least for the moment. That was the first time I had ever cut. At first I didn't do it often. Maybe once every three weeks, but then it got more frequent. I started cutting every day. There was a part of me that told it helped. There was a part of me telling me to let it take my pain away. There was a part of me telling me to let it take my worries away, and I did. It became a part of me, but I knew it wouldn't help forever.

I knew that eventually I would leave. I was just counting down the days. Counting down the days, until I would finally be free. I was counting down the days until I wouldn't have to cover up scars, or lie to people when they asked if I was alright, because when I'm finally gone, I will be alright. I was waiting for the day when I would finally be gone. People. They didn't understand what they made me do to myself. They don't know how many nights I've stayed awake thinking about what they said. They don't understand what it's like to lose everything that mattered to you. They don't understand what it's like to fall apart. They don't know that their the reason I tried to take my own life. I remember when people would tell you to do what makes you happy no matter what other people think. Everyone would say it's not worth it to leave, but that would make me happy, so in a way it would be okay. But thats what people don't understand, "How can you be happy when you're gone?" It's quite simple actually. If you leave you don't feel the pain, or the hurt, so I would be happy. I wish I could just sleep forever, I wouldn't be dead, but I wouldn't be alive either. I don't want to hurt anymore. I don't want to cry myself to sleep every night, because thats killing me. Depression is like a war. You either win or die trying. I don't want to keep finding comfort in pain, because those scars never go away. There always there even if you can just see the outline of the scar. I remember when you said, "You would never let me go." You never did let me go, but I let you go.

They still don't think I understand. They still think my life is perfect. They still think that I'm not falling apart, but I don't realize that I know more about them then they do. They don't understand that I know what it's like to be hurt. I know what it's like to rely on someone, and watch them walk away. They can't see that the smile on my face is fake. They can't see that I force myself to act happy for everyone else's sake. They don't understand that I'm on the line between giving up, and seeing how much more I can take. People always told me I was to young to let the world break me, but I wasn't. I understood life. I knew that it would break me. I just didn't think it would be this soon. I didn't think everything would fall apart, but things did, and we couldn't fix it. We didn't know how to, so we left it broken, and thats what broke me. I didn't want to believe that it happened. I kept saying everything was okay, but it wasn't I was just trying to save myself.

I remember when you asked me what depression was like. I responded, "It's like drowning, except you can see everyone around you breathing. I guess you weren't expecting me to answer, because you shocked. You didn't respond, you just looked at me. You had tried to fix me, but this feeling it doesn't just go away. "Thats the thing about pain, It demands to be felt." That was the night I told you good-bye.

I knew that what I was about to do was permeant, but I just couldn't do it anymore. It didn't matter anymore. I had had enough. I couldn't keep doing this. Thats when I went into the bathroom, and picked up a knife. I cut my wrist, then my world went black. I knew that I wasn't going to wake up, I knew that no one was going to save me, and I was okay with that. I knew that I was finally free. No more lying awake at night. No more crying myself to sleep. No more scars on my body, but most of all I got what I wanted. No more hurt, and no more pain. There's nothing left that can hurt me, and there had never really been anyone to save me, so I got what I wanted. To be free. That was the moment that my heart finally stopped. I was finally gone. No happy ever after, just disaster.

How did y'all like it? Was it sad? Please review it would mean a lot. I also love reading y'all's thoughts. -BreathingNotAlive-

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