Disclaimer: I don't own yami no Matsuei or Ranma ½. I'm just borrowing them. I'll give them back. Really.
To Kill a PervertA Yami no Matsuei / Ranma ½ Production
By Betula
"Exactly why are we here again?" Hisoka demanded. "This place is nowhere near our district. It isn't even on the right island. Why aren't the Shinigami assigned to this place dealing with this case?" Tsusuki had been remarkably evasive about this assignment so far. He hadn't allowed Hisoka to even glimpse the case file before babbling a few incoherent words about a 'special job' before grabbing Hisoka's hand and yanking him along into the living world.
"Ah… well…" Tsusuki twiddled his thumbs and refused to look Hisoka in the eye. "There usually is a task force that deals exclusively with this neighbourhood, but they're kind of out of commission at the moment."
Hisoka ground his teeth. The tone Tsusuki was using was the one Hisoka mentally dubbed the 'Don't-hurt-me-Hisoka-I'm-too-cute-and-fuffy-to-die' voice. It was the same voice he used when confessing that he had used the week's entire budget during one hour in a restaurant. "There's an entire task force just for Nerima?" He looked around the quiet residential streets, seeing only a few perfectly ordinary pedestrians and a little old lady watering the pavement in front of her house with a ladle and a pail of water.
"Well, yeah… This place is a little - different."
"Huh." Tsusuki was hiding something. He looked way too innocent. Deciding to discover for himself what was so 'different' about Nerima, Hisoka carefully lowered his shields.
And found himself supported by Tsusuki, who had prevented him from cracking his skull open on the pavement.
"Different? Different?" Hisoka said as soon as the scenery stopped whirling around him. "The aura of this place is insane. It's total chaos! It's like Muraki sniffing nitrous oxide!"
"That's why Nerima has its own task force." Tsusuki said with indisputable logic.
"So why are we on this case?"
"No one else wanted to take it – and the Earl said that he'd cancel some of my more pressing debts if I'd take care of it." Tsuzuki confessed sheepishly.
Hisoka thought about the number of Tsuzuki's debts to the Earl, and the nature of the payment the invisible weirdo usually wanted, and sighed. "All right. Do we at least know where to start?"
"Thank you Hisoka!" Tsusuki beamed, and gave his partner an extra squeeze before letting him go. Hisoka stumbled slightly before he straightened, adjusting his clothing and desperately trying to regain his dignity. "It's just a standard retrieval. An old guy who should have shown up in Meifu but hasn't."
Hisoka's eyes narrowed. Tsuzuki didn't feel nearly as guilty coming for old people who had lived their lives but were too damn stubborn to die when they should, as he did when they came for more youthful souls, but he was never downright cheerful about it, as it seemed he was now. "Where's the catch?"
Tsuzuki was rescued from having to find an answer that Hisoka might possibly believe by a rumbling sound and a slight ground tremor, reminiscent of an approaching flash flood, and a very loud, very angry female cry of "Ranma, get back here you idiot!"
The group that rounded the corner were the strangest people that Hisoka had ever seen, which was saying something, because meeting odd people was part of a Shinigami's job description. At the head of the stampede was a young man around Hisoka's age with dark hair dark hair pulled back into a braided pigtail, and a terrified look on his face. Close behind him was a girl wielding, of all things, a wooden mallet, and judging from the epithets she was throwing at the boy, she was the one who had yelled earlier. Behind her were three more young women: one with purple hair in a very short Chinese dress, one brandishing something that looked like a giant spatula, and one in a black leotard that left nothing to the imagination, twirling a ribbon around her head. The rest of the pack jostled in together, and Hisoka only caught a few glimpses of them before they all surged around him and his partner. Hisoka knew he saw the boy in traditional clothing with a bokken, the boy who drew a ground-to-air missile out of his sleeve, and the man with the palm tree growing out of his head. He doubted that he had really seen a giant panda. He didn't want to believe he had just seen a giant ghost cat. *
When the strange procession thundered once again out of sight, Hisoka and Tsuzuki were left in a street that seemed unnaturally silent. They looked up at each other for a long moment, before they realized that they were once again clinging to each other. They leapt apart, both blushing wildly, and looked around to see how many spectators they had, only to find that the other pedestrians had moved from where they had been pressed against the fences while the strange group passed, and were now going about their business, completely ignoring the two Shinigami. Apparently, the sight of two men embracing each other in the middle of the street was a lot more normal than anything else that went on in Nerima.
"As I said," Hisoka remarked dryly, "This place is insane. So are the people who live here it seems."
"Excuse me." Hisoka and Tsuzuki whirled at the voice behind them. It belonged to a young man toting a backpack bigger than Hisoka, which looked twice as heavy as him, too. "Can you tell me the way to the Tendo Dojo?" *
"What a coincidence!" Tsuzuki said cheerfully. "That's just were we're going!"
"You are?" The boy asked, surprised.
"We are?" Hisoka asked skeptically.
"Yes." Tsuzuki answered both of them. "Come on. We should be able to find it together."
An hour later, Hisoka was trying to convince himself that shooting either his partner or a civilian was not a good idea. The boy, whose name was Ryoga, had mentioned that he had been to the Tendo Dojo many times before, but that he just couldn't seem to find it right now. Tsuzuki had consequently followed Ryoga's suggestions on where to go. Hisoka trailed several meters behind them both, unwilling to approach the boy, whose leaden depression Hisoka felt right through his shields. They had spent the entire hour wandering aimlessly around Nerima once again, only to arrive back at their starting point. The old lady was still watering her pavement.
Hisoka rolled his eyes at the two of them as they scratched their heads, and marched up to the old woman.
"Excuse me ma'am."
The woman ignored him. *
Hisoka sighed. "EXCUSE ME MA'AM!" He shouted.
This time she looked up. "EH? SORRY ABOUT THAT, DEAR. I DIDN'T HEAR YOU THERE. WHAT IS IT YOU NEED?"
"COULD YOU TELL ME HOW TO GET TO THE TENDO DOJO?"
"CERTAINLY, DEAR. IT'S JUST AROUND THE BLOCK. TAKE THE NEXT RIGHT, THEN GO RIGHT AGAIN AFTER THAT. THEY HAVE A SIGN OUT THE FRONT. YOU CAN'T MISS IT."
"THANK YOU."
Hisoka whirled around, glared at the sheepish pair, and marched down the street with the two of them trailing along behind like chastised schoolboys.
Behind them, the old woman adjusted the earphones of her discman, and returned to watering her pavement.
A young woman answered the door in answer to Hisoka's knock, and smiled pleasantly at Ryoga. "Welcome back, Ryoga. Please come in. Who are your friends?" *
"Er – hello, Miss Kasumi. I brought some gifts for Akane. Er – this is – er.." Ryoga stammered as they were politely ushered into the house.
Hisoka rescued him impatiently. "I'm Kurosaki Hisoka, and this is Tsuzuki Asato. We were hoping you might be able to help us."
"We shall certainly try." The woman said sunnily. "Ranma and Akane have been out playing with their friends, and have only just returned. Ranma has a few scrapes and bruises, as usual. He's such an active boy!"
They entered what was apparently the living room where, seated at the low table, were the two lead maniacs from the idiot parade that had nearly trampled Hisoka and his partner earlier. The boy was protesting loudly that "it wasn't what it looked like," and the girl was attaching a band-aid to his cheek in grim silence. A well-stocked first aid kit sat open on the table. In the corner a pair of middle-aged men sat playing shogi, ignoring the quarrelling young couple. *
"We have visitors, everyone. Ryoga is here, and he has brought some friends. This is Tsuzuki Asato and Kurosaki Hisoka." Kasumi announced. She turned back to them. "Please sit down. I will fetch some tea." She sailed out of the room, and Hisoka gazed after her. For a few moments, he had thought they had met their first normal person since entering Nerima, but the impression had been short-lived. Honestly, 'playing with their friends'?
"Yo, Ryoga." The greeting from the young man (Ranma, apparently) brought Hisoka's attention back to the occupants of the room, and he seated himself at the table beside Tsuzuki. "You're back early. I thought you'd still be wandering around Okinawa. You're only four days late for the last challenge you sent me."
"For your information, Ranma," Ryoga replied testily, "I was not in Okinawa. I believe I was in Hokkaido." He swung the giant pack down from his shoulders and rummaged through it, eventually bringing out a wrapped, slightly travel-stained, package. Akane accepted it with a slightly nonplussed expression on her face.
"Thank you, Ryoga, you really didn't need to – but we're being rude to our other guests," she said, swiftly changing the subject. "I'm Tendo Akane, and this is Saotome Ranma, and they," She nodded towards the two men still intent on their shogi game, "are our fathers. Are you friends of Ryoga's?"
"No." Tsuzuki replied, with a smile eerily similar to Kasumi's. "We happened to meet as we were on our way here, and Ryoga was nice enough to show us the way."
Hisoka could not prevent himself from snorting at that, but was surprised at the similar scoff from Ranma. The two of them eyed each other speculatively.
"We're actually looking for someone." Tsuzuki continued cheerfully, determinedly ignoring his partner. "Our information says that he is staying here."
Ranma leapt to his feet. "Damn it, old man, what have you done this time?" He yelled at his father. "Is it another fiancé, or didja steal somethin' from them? Or was it both?"
Mr Saotome looked up from the shogi game. "I can honestly tell you boy, that I have nothing to do with this. I have never seen these two before. Oh, that I could have a son who could so easily disbelieve his father's innocence!"
"Ha! You ain't been innocent since you were in your cradle, old man!" Ranma retorted.
Hisoka whipped around as Ryoga's emotions burst into a boiling rage. "Ranma, you jerk! You have another fiancée?! How dare you do that to Akane! Prepare to die!" With that Ryoga charged at the startled boy like an enraged rhinoceros. At the last possible moment, Ranma flipped gracefully over Ryoga's head and landing neatly on the other side. Ryoga's momentum carried him right through the sliding doors and into the yard. Ranma followed him leisurely through the new hole.
"Man, Ryoga," he complained mildly. "Can't you even wait 'til we're outside?"
"Shut up and fight, Ranma!" Was all Ryoga said before launching himself forward again.
Hisoka had been trained extensively from an early age in several martial arts forms, and considered himself fairly good at it. But this fight – he had never seen anything like it before. The skill of the pair was breathtaking, and their power was devastating. They both fought with what seemed to be a mixture of styles: Ryoga with bits and pieces, moving from one style to the next in a random fashion, and Ranma seemed to have assimilated aspects of many styles and combined them flawlessly into a style unlike anything Hisoka had ever seen before. Ryoga's movements were oriented towards power, and judging by the cracks he was leaving in the garden wall when his blows went wide, he had enough power to finish the fight in one blow, if he could only hit his target. Ranma was so fast that his movements blurred at times, and he danced around the visibly frustrated Ryoga, who had yet to land a single punch. Ranma was landing plenty of hits, but in order for them to have any effect, he needed to land multiple hits in one spot, which he did at a speed Hisoka had not thought possible for a human.
The fighters broke apart, and stood facing each other across the yard. For a second it seemed as if they were doing nothing, but then Hisoka realized with horror that they were deliberately building up their emotions and using them to fuel their ki. Ryoga gathered the sickly green depression in his hands, and Ranma created a bright ball of overwhelming confidence. At the same instant, they hurled the attacks at each other.
Ranma's attack was stronger. The ki ball hit Ryoga in the chest, hurtling him backwards into the koi pond.
For the third time that day, Hisoka staggered, and was held upright by his partner. The artificially heightened emotions, used as they were as weapons, had had an effect roughly equivalent to the hangover he would have received had he downed an entire bottle of vodka – a significant one, as Hisoka could get thoroughly drunk on a half a glass of light beer. He held onto conciousness with grim determination. He would not faint in Tsuzuki's arms like the heroine in a cheap romance novel, not in front of all these weird people!
Akane stormed out to Ranma, who was gazing at the koi pond
with great satisfaction and a slight amount of worry, snatching up a rake on
her way over. "Ranma! Don't pick on Ryoga
like that! And look at what you've done to the YARD!" With that she swung the rake, sending Ranma flying backwards into
the koi pond.
When a redheaded girl emerged from the pond wearing Ranma's clothes, plaintively asking "Wha'd you do that for?" Hisoka decided that staying conscious wasn't worth the effort, and that maybe when he woke up, he would be far, far away from all of the idiots. Tsuzuki included.
Of course, Hisoka awoke to the sight of all of the idiots, Tsuzuki included, gazing down at him.
"I'm real sorry, man." Said the redheaded girl sheepishly. "Mr. Tsuzuki explained how you're an empath an' all. I'd'a never used the Mouko Takabisha if I'd'a known."
"Ranma?" Hisoka asked vaguely.
"Yeah." Ranma looked down at herself, apparently understanding the question. "I'm a girl at the moment."
"How?"
"There's this place in China called Jusenkyo. It's this training ground filled with a bunch'a cursed springs. If you fall in one, you get a curse – cold water turns you inta whatever drowned there last, and hot water turns you back. I fell inta the Spring of Drowned Girl. There's some other people around here with other curses, too."
"Curses." Hisoka said flatly. "I should have known." Curses were nothing new, Hisoka himself had had one placed on him (Muraki-bastard), but this particular one was still odd – of course. "I'm not sure what that fight was about, but we aren't here about fiancées or stolen goods. In fact, I don't think it has anything to do with you at all."
"Oh. Good." Ranma seemed immensely cheered.
"We're actually here to see a man named Happosai. You wouldn't happen to know where we could find him, would you?" Tsuzuki explained.
The light of dawning comprehension in the eyes around him made Hisoka blink. "The Old Letch! Yeah, he hangs around here." Ranma exclaimed. "He was here earlier – in Akane's room, stealin' her panties. I was tryin' to stop him, but he chucked `em at me and took off out the window – which is when you came in, and why I had `em then." This last part was said with some heat to Akane.
"Well how was I supposed to know that? It looked really perverted!" Akane huffed. She was cuddling a small black piglet to her chest that squealed disdainfully at Ranma. Hisoka looked at it narrowly. It didn't feel very pig-like to his psychic senses.
"Shut up P-Chan." Ranma said to the pig. "I didn't see you here tryin' to stop him."
P-Chan squealed angrily and flailed his stubby legs, trying to get to Ranma.
"Ranma! Stop picking on P-Chan!" Akane yelled at Ranma.
Under the cover of the new argument, Hisoka leaned in close to Tsuzuki and murmured, "I suppose you noticed that that pig is Ryoga."
Tsuzuki murmured back, "Yes. He climbed out of the pond right after Ranma. Akane didn't notice, and I thought it best not to say anything. They're volatile enough as it is."
"You're probably right." Hisoka said, wincing as the argument gained momentum, and with it, volume.
Tsuzuki managed to calm the combatants down with his unique mixture of sweetness and charm, displaying one of the reasons why he had so many admirers (or stalkers – the terms were often interchangeable when applied to Tsuzuki). When they were all properly seated, the two shinigami began again.
"So, we're looking for Happosai." Tsuzuki repeated pleasantly. "We have some business with him, and he's somewhat behind in meeting with us."
"I bet it's somethin' he's not gonna like." Said Ranma shrewdly. "Otherwise he'd'a turned up. He's gonna be real hard to get a hold of, if I'm right. I think I should help you catch him – you don't know him, you'll never get him on your own."
"Er – it shouldn't be necessary, if you just tell us where we can find him.." Tsuzuki began, but was interrupted by Ranma.
"You'll need it." Ranma said with conviction. "Now that I've had a good look at the two of you, I can see it. Those guys who were here last week are your friends, aren't they? Well, they put up a decent fight, but they weren't any match for Happosai. Are they out of the hospital yet, by the way?"
"No- ah, how did you know they were associates of ours?"
Ranma scratched the back of his head. "Your ki – it feels kinda the same – sorta disconnected. I never got the chance to ask those other guys about it, but the only other people I've ever met that felt that way were ghosts, and you don't look like ghosts. Are you guys dead?"
Hisoka and Tsuzuki looked at each other and realized at the same instant that their jaws were hanging open, and snapped them shut with an audible click. "Yes. We're Shinigami." Tsuzuki said weakly.
"Oh. That explains a lot." Said Ranma matter-of-factly.
Notes: I'm not sure where the idea for this came from. I mean, really, these two series are not that compatible. YNM has the occasional moment, but Ranma is just one very long joke. Oh, well, let's see what I make of it. It won't be very long, maybe three or four chapters.
For anyone who doesn't know the Ranma characters, they are, in order of appearance:
Ranma: Great martial artist, has a curse that turns him into a girl, and a lot of fiancées, none of whom he actually asked to marry him.
Akane: Fiancee #1, as arranged by their fathers, a nice girl with a very bad temper. Ranma lives with her family.
Shampoo: Fiancee #2, Chinese Amazon from a village where you have to marry any man who beats you in combat. Ranma beat her. Also has a curse, she turns into a cat.
Ukyou: Fiancee #3, okinomiyaki cook. Ranma's father stole her dowry.
Kodachi: Not a fiancée, but she thinks she is. Complete loony.
Kuno: Kodachi's brother, in love with Akane and Ranma's girl form, also a complete loony.
Mousse: Chinese Amazon boy in love with Shampoo, has a curse that turns him into a duck, is very nearsighted, and is a Master of Hidden Weapons.
Principal Kuno: Principal of Ranma's school, father of Kodachi and Kuno, and most loony of them all.
Genma: Ranma's father, completely amoral, and has a curse that turns him into a giant panda
Ghost Cat: Yes, that really was a giant ghost cat.
Ryoga: The Eternally Lost Boy, and eternally depressed because of it. His curse turns him into a piglet.
The Ladle Lady: She never notices when she transforms Ranma into a girl. I figure there has to be a reason for that.
Kasumi: Akane's eldest sister, the most oblivious person in Nerima. Either that or she just has a really weird sense of humour.
Soun: Akane's father. Best friends with Ranma's father. Likes to act wise, but generally ruins the effect by crying.