The following is the brainchild of myself, Sale and Lexi Theory. Seeing as there has been an influx of Angst one-shots, and I simply adore writing parodies, we decided to produce one of our own. Please, do enjoy, don't take offense and be forewarned that there is some suggestive material. We all catch the angst once in a while, and sometimes the angst finds its way into fanfiction.
Smooches,
Nimby
The Incredibly True Story of a Witch who caught the Angst.
One day Elphaba Thropp caught the angst.
Elphaba stirred awake. It was about six o'clock in the morning, and Elphaba really didn't want to get up. Light was meager in her cluttered dorm room as Elphaba still had the blinds down. It had only been a mere eight hours earlier that she had been making love to a certain Winkie Prince with such a fervor that it was surprising that the walls of the building were still intact. She walked to the mirror and looked at the mussed hair of her downtrodden reflection. It was never easy to be green, the weight of society's discrimination ever crushing her every desire. A scoff emitted from her lipsHer breathing was becoming ragged. A strange feeling had fallen over her. She suddenly felt her spirits sinking ever lower. Her willingness to pursue her schoolwork melted away like a light snowfall. She was so over him.
"I do believe I am no longer going to associate with that Fiyero. He makes me rather depressed and he has left me positively brimming with the angst. There must be a remedy to this situation…" Her voice trailed.
Turning towards her snoring roommate, she eyed the sprawled out Glinda with a sense of longing. I never had a woman in my life really… She placed a hand on the blonde woman's back. Glinda groggily opened her sleep-ridden eyes.
"Elphie…what do you want?"
"Love."
"What?"
"I need your love." Her heart was frozen and only Glinda's bird-like voice could melt it.
Glinda rolled her eyes. "Elphie…is your angst acting up again?"
Elphaba lowered herself next to Glinda's bedside. Her gaze met Glinda's and sent a veritable sonnet of emotions. Glinda simply gaped back into Elphaba's eyes, which seemed to reflect many agonizing, wasted years of searing sorrow. Elphaba pursed her gray lips and hovered precariously over Glinda's. Elphaba closed her eyes as she drew ever closer, only to kiss the cool satin of Glinda's bedsheets.
"Go masturbate or something!" Came an angry muffled voice.
Elphaba hung her head in utter defeat and dragged herself toward the doorway. Pushing open the mahogany door, she stumbled out into the hallway, startling a praying Nessa.
"Nessa…what in Oz are you doing?" queried a bewildered Elphaba.
"Praying for Glinda's soul of course!"
Nessa used her feet to drag her wheel chair over to Elphaba. She peered up under the veil of ebony hair surrounding Elphaba's face.
"There is something evil at work here. I can feel it in my bones. The unnamed God is angry with you!"
"Nessa, I suffer from the angst. You know this. I would appreciate you not attacking me with malediction whilst I suffer so."
Nessa looked positively indignant. "Suffering from the angst is no excuse for a lack of piety!"
Elphaba continued to drag her self down the long hallway, completely ignoring Nessa's heated righteous diatribe. Perhaps I shall go see Master Boq.
Boq was currently in the rose gardens, hiding amongst the brambles. He was awaiting the morning girls' athletics class, which had always done a morning warm up run through the gardens. Watching the girls jog by was quite a thrill for him…for ducking in the rose bush was the closest he'd ever gotten to a woman's groin. However this morning he felt a chill fall over him as Elphaba approached. He attempted to remain very still, the thorns of the rose bush pressing into his skin causing him to bleed teardrops of blood.
"I can see you plain as day Master Boq. You're awaiting the morning run."
Boq, clearly defeated, cautiously crawled out of the rose bush. He dusted himself off.
"Uhh no…I had misplaced my pocket watch…" His eyes were darting nervously from side to side.
"Master Boq I am in need of your help."
Boq righted himself. "A-an-anything Miss Elphaba!"
"Kindly drop the honorific. You sound like a pathetic doting servant. It isn't necessary."
"Alright…in that case please call me Boq."
Elphaba swallowed a nagging lump in her throat. "Boq…I seem to be suffering from the angst. I need your love to feel better about myself."
Boq simply stared back at her blankly, sweating profusely, unsure of what to say or do next. His brain had commanded his legs to pivot and run but he was paralyzed on the spot. The two remained there for an ephemeral eternity, gazing at the other blankly. Boq's heart thrummed in his chest, echoing like a timpani in an empty opera house. Elphaba's hawk-like face bore daggers in him with her eyes. Her viridescent skeletal arms were trained at her sides, the pipe like veins of her muscles protruding on her skin. The veins of her hands grew more pronounced as she clenched her fists. The sight sent reeling chills up his spine, causing the hair on the back of his neck to stand. Her angst was contagious. Boq felt his own spirits beginning to sink like lead hastily thrown into a crystal glass of water. The angst had gripped his soul and had augmented into a tumultuous, ardent flame that had overcome his very being.
Overwrought with angst he fled the rose garden, completely ignoring the pack of girls jogging by.
Elphaba shrugged and reentered the dormitories. What does one take to alleviate the angst!? I really haven't the slightest idea of how to rid myself of the angst. Elphaba returned to her room. Glinda still lay fast asleep, snoring loudly.
Elphaba turned to enter the bathroom, closing the door behind her quietly with a gentle click. She proceeded to turn on the faucet ever so slightly. Her hands quaked on the spigot as she turned it slightly. A steady stream of water was dribbling from the faucet. Extending her arm, she positioned her emerald wrist under the clear fluid. The water seared her flesh as it made contact, causing her to wince. She fought the urge to rip her arm away from the lucid poison. This better purge me of my unabating angst! She began to moan and growl. Her insatiable angst was unyielding in its battle to bring her crashing down and was consuming her alive.
From outside the door Glinda's ears perked. Her head shot up, her curls all matted from a night of tossing and turning on her bed. "Is Elphie…? Oh my Oz!" She leapt to her feet and banged on the bathroom door.
The water burning her skin was giving her an incredible rush and she nearly climaxed. Her screams erupted from her throat like a volcano. Glinda was shouting at her from behind the door, but the suffering green girl paid her no mind. Soon Elphaba could hear the pounding of Glinda's feet across the hard wood floor as she ran to her nightstand and back to the door. A little bottle rolled across the floor and bumped into Elphaba's foot. She promptly turned off the faucet and bent down to pick it up. Bringing the bottle closer to the sterile light of the bathroom, she rotated the vial to read its label. Upon reading it her angst began to melt away…Elphaba read it aloud. "Pretty Pink Princess Motion Loition" She stifled a laugh…then snorted…and then exploded into an uproarious guffaw.
She burst through the door, and swept Glinda into her arms spinning her around. "Oh my dear Glinda, how lucky am I to have a friend as hapless as you!" Placing Glinda back down on the ground Elphaba happily pranced around the room, light as a feather. Glinda crossed her arms and watched the jubilant Elphaba. Suddenly Glinda started to feel strange. It felt as if a weight was pressed onto her shoulders. Her normal luster was growing dull, and her flaxen hair was now quite drab. She peered towards the window and saw Boq sprint across the yard, screaming in despair. Her eyes suddenly went wide. Reaching down into the depths of her vacant soul gripping vice like, sucking happiness joy and life from her every pore was the angst!