Thank You, Heavenly
Theme Song: "My Darling" by Eminem (this episode only)
SEASON 7
EPISODES 7 & 8
"Thank You, Heavenly's Relapse" (Parts I & II)
Airdate: October 28, 2018
Special Guest Stars: Paul Rosenberg as Himself, Steve Berman as Himself
#TYH701/#TYH702
COLD OPEN
"Dr. West (Segment #1)"
Fade in. Bitch Clock is in an office waiting for his therapist to arrive. Dr. West comes in with his briefcase and takes a seat.
DR. WEST: Good morning, Bitch Clock. My name is Dr. West, and I'll be filling in for Dr. Adamson.
BITCH CLOCK: What did happen to Dr. Adamson?
DR. WEST: Let's just say he had a little accident. The details...ah, you can read about it in the papers. So what can I do you for?
BITCH CLOCK: Well, after rehab, I've been attending a lot of AA meetings, trying to keep my mind off drinking.
DR. WEST: Really? Well, your file says you've been a heavy drinker for the better part of 25 years.
BITCH CLOCK: Yeah, I just felt like it was time for a change. But lately, I've been scared.
DR. WEST: Scared? You shouldn't be scared of anything, you're a grown man trapped in an alarm clock's body. What could you possibly have to be scared of?
BITCH CLOCK: Well, it's like, what if I go to a party with the fellas, and someone's drinking around me?
DR. WEST: Take a drink.
BITCH CLOCK: What?
DR. WEST: Take a drink, it's not like one glass of wine is going to kill you.
BITCH CLOCK: How much corner store crack did you smoke to come to that conclusion? If I have a drink, I don't know what that's going to lead me to.
DR. WEST: You mean, this?
Dr. West pulls out a 40-ounce bottle of Olde English malt liquor from his bag.
BITCH CLOCK: Man, what the hell is going on here?
DR. WEST: Come on, Bitch Clock, you're a big boy. You should be able to control your impulses. And if not, well, I can help you go back to the piece of shit alcoholic you used to be.
BITCH CLOCK: I'm done with that stuff, man. Get it away from me.
DR. WEST: Why? It's ice cold, fresh from the store. It goes great with orange juice.
BITCH CLOCK: Man, f*** you, man. Where's Dr. Adamson, what the f*** did you do to him?!
DR. WEST: It won't hurt, Bitch Clock. And no one else will know but me.
At that point, Bitch Clock realizes that he is tied to the chair and Dr. West stands over him with the bottle of malt liquor, about to pour it down his throat.
BITCH CLOCK: NO! NO! NO! NOOOOOOOOO!
Cut to Bitch Clock waking up in his bed screaming. His screaming ends up waking up Sparky.
SPARKY: Bitch Clock, what happened? Are you okay?
BITCH CLOCK: No, I just had a nightmare. I went to rehab!
"My Darling" starts playing in the background as Sparky looks at the camera with a bored expression. Cut to a shot of a grave being dug at night, and the casket is lowered into the ground. The casket is then covered in dirt.
Dissolve into later on as it has started raining, and the tombstone is in a long line of other tombstones, each of them having previous Halloween episodes of the series engraved on them. The tombstones read: "Halloween in Seattle - 10.28.2012," "Stories Killed the Radio Stars - 10.27.2013," "The Life and Times of Diana Katanova - 10.26.2014," "The Halloween from Hell - 10.30.2015," "Savi's Revenge - 10.30.2016," "The Zombies Come Out at Night - 10.30.2016," "RK's Monster - 10.29.2017," and "Jaylynn the Satanist - 10.29.2017." The last one has no engraving at all, but after being struck by lightning, the words "Thank You, Heavenly's Relapse - 10.28.2018" appear in blood on the tombstone. Fade to black.
SCENE 1
The MacDougal Household
Seattle, Washington
"3 a.m. (Segment #2)"
Fade in. The instrumental to "3 a.m." plays briefly in the background as there is an exterior shot of Sparky's house. It is currently raining at night. Cut to the kids watching TV inside.
REPORTER: And in local news, police are advising Seattle residents to be on the lookout for the highly dangerous "Midnight Killer." The man has currently killed over 45 victims in the Seattle area, with no plans of slowing down any time soon. Crime Stoppers is offering a $50,000 reward to anyone that can bring the killer to justice.
RK: You know, it's a shame. Our neighborhoods keep getting more dangerous and people still move here. America, am I right?
SPARKY: No.
JAYLYNN: Hey, what if we could be the ones to bring in the murderer? Then we could split the reward money five ways.
WADE: Jaylynn, are you crazy? We're just kids. Besides, if we're not careful, we could end up being killed.
JAYLYNN: We've been almost killed many times before. What's going to stop us now?
BUSTER: Jaylynn's right. Besides, I need that money. I could finally start paying some bills.
WADE: What bills? You live at RK's place rent-free.
BUSTER: Well, when I grow up, I'm going to have to start paying bills. I could invest my reward money in Skittles, and when the money turns a profit, I'll be a millionaire.
SPARKY: I think it's a great idea. But we can't just go into this like amateurs. We need inside information.
WADE: Don't worry. I'll be that guy. But I don't want anything to do with killing people.
RK: That's okay. I'll be the one to blow his brains out. I'll ask him how he wants it before I do it.
JAYLYNN: Wait, but if he's dead, doesn't that mean we won't get the money?
RK: I don't think so. Cops love dead people like fat people love the Cheesecake Factory.
SCENE 2
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Lunchroom
Seattle, Washington
With the exception of Wade, the other kids are eating lunch together.
BUSTER: So that's when I realized peanut butter and hot chocolate don't go together.
JAYLYNN: Dude, what are you talking about?
Wade shows up to the lunch table with a manila envelope.
WADE: Guys, I did it. I got all the information we'll need on the Midnight Killer.
SPARKY: How were you able to get intel on a serial killer?
WADE: The FBI's been trying to catch him for years. Besides, I might have hacked into a firewall that connects to their federal files.
RK: You have classified federal documents?! Oh, shit!
RK jumps off the table.
WADE: Man, what the hell is wrong with you?
RK: It's the FBI. They probably have snipers in position right now ready to take everyone out.
WADE: Do you always have to act like a conspiracy theorist?
SPARKY: I mean, I can't blame RK. If the FBI finds out you have these files, we're all going to jail.
WADE: Then all I need to do is open this here envelope and burn the evidence after we're done taking pictures of it.
Beat.
JAYLYNN: See, that's why you're the smart one.
WADE: Okay, so here are some of the cold facts. His real name is Donovan Oakley. He was kicked out of college for committing academic fraud, he likes to watch Cinemax in the middle of the night after his murders, and most of his victims have been known to have their necks snapped.
BUSTER: Wow. He's just a regular guy like you and me.
SPARKY: I don't get it. If the FBI has all this information on him, how come they haven't been able to convict him?
WADE: Well, they've tried many times in the past, but he usually escapes or the cases get thrown out because of inconclusive evidence. But that's not happening to us. Tonight, we're going to go to this bastard's house and get him thrown in the slammer for good.
RK: Look at this guy's picture. Of course he would kill people, that creep.
BUSTER: How can you tell?
RK: Dude, he's a middle-aged overweight white man with glasses. There are only two things you can be: Murderer or pedophile. And he's never been around kids, so you connect the dots.
SCENE 3
The Oakley Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Donovan walks into his house in the middle of the night with a bloody knife.
DONOVAN: Ugh, why did I have to try stabbing today?
Donovan goes to the kitchen sink and cleans his knife of the blood. Cut to him going to the basement and putting his knife in the incinerator, along with his gloves. When he goes back upstairs, he is surrounded by the kids.
DONOVAN: What's going on here? Who are you kids?! How did you get in my house?!
WADE: You left the front door open.
Donovan sees that the front door is wide open.
DONOVAN: Well, who the hell is outside in Seattle at 3:03 in the morning?
SPARKY: Us. We're taking you in dead or alive and we're cleaning up that reward money.
The other kids give Sparky confused looks.
SPARKY: What? Are we here to take him to jail or play Connect Four with him?
Donovan grabs Sparky by the throat.
DONOVAN: How about I just take your life and clean up the body?
RK: I don't think so, pal.
RK shoots Donovan in the arm, which makes him scream and momentarily weakens him.
RK: LET'S GET HIM!
("3 a.m." plays in the background)
The kids attack Donovan in an attempt to take him to jail alive while RK watches the door. Sparky joins in the attack after recovering from his throat being grabbed, but out of nowhere, Donovan ends up overpowering the kids. He flips Buster over, elbows Wade in the stomach and kicks Jaylynn in the head. RK shoots Donovan in his knee to subdue him, and Sparky tries choking him to death.
RK: You're killing him?!
SPARKY: What do you want me to do, take a bath with him?! This guy is smooth for a fat guy, he'll end up taking us out.
RK: Makes sense.
The other kids try to help choke Donovan out due to Sparky's arms not being big enough, but he is once again able to escape and tackles RK to the ground. He grabs his gun and easily shoots Buster, Sparky, Wade, and Jaylynn to death.
RK: NOOOOOO! YOU BASTARD!
RK tries to tackle Donovan to the ground for the gun, but Donovan ends up cracking RK's neck, killing him. Donovan sighs and takes out his phone to make a call.
DONOVAN: Yeah, Joey? It's the ice cream man, who do you think it is? Yeah, it was some kids this time. And they shot me twice. Beat. No, they were dumb as f***, I got rid of 'em. It was like some action movie shit. Beat. Does it matter what movie it was? I NEED YOU TO CLEAN UP SOME KIDS' BODIES, JOEY!
SCENE 4
The MacDougal Household
Seattle, Washington
"My Mom (Segment #3)"
The "My Mom" instrumental plays briefly in the background as the camera shows an exterior shot of Sparky's house in the daytime. Cut to Bitch Clock digging through the medicine cabinet of the bathroom.
BITCH CLOCK: Come on, come on, where are they? Yes, son of a bitch, here we go!
Bitch Clock takes out a bottle of Valium and puts a pill in his mouth. He then smiles and grabs a handful of pills from the bottle, then pops them all at once as Sparky watches him in horror.
SPARKY: BITCH CLOCK, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! Man, you're gonna kill yourself!
BITCH CLOCK: Child, please, I've been taking Valium for years. It's part of my DNA. One time, I took a whole bottle in five minutes and didn't even black out.
SPARKY: But you're an alcoholic, not a pill head!
BITCH CLOCK: That's what you think. I always pop some Valium for my stress. Some Spanish guys thought I was short on the money even though I totally wasn't, so now I have to get ready for a shootout. By the way, I'm going to be out late tonight busting shots with my crew.
SPARKY: What money did they think you were short on?
BITCH CLOCK: Dude, I can't tell you my whole life story. Wait for my autobiography when I die.
SPARKY: Okay, well, let's talk about your crippling addiction to Valium!
BITCH CLOCK: Alright. But you should blame my mother. She was the one who got me hooked on the stuff in the first place. Ever since I was a kid, I've been into these puppies. I never had a chance.
Beat.
SPARKY: How the f*** do you even have parents?
SCENE 5
Bitch Clock is shown as a child eating breakfast with his younger brother in a flashback.
BITCH CLOCK (V.O.): See, my pops was never around. He served in the military which left me and the rest of my family to fend for ourselves. It was hard because...*Bitch Clock starts laughing heavily*...man, I can't even say that shit with a straight face. He was just some idiot that walked out.
BITCH CLOCK: Mommy, I don't want waffles. I want pancakes!
MRS. CLOCK: Bitch, did I ask you? Oh, by the way, you might notice there's a special topping on those waffles.
Bitch Clock starts eating his waffles and gets a disgusted look on his face.
BITCH CLOCK (V.O.): My mother crushed up several Valium pills and put them in my waffles to eat. I don't know why my mother wanted this life for me. I want to believe most men thought she was unattractive and disgusting so she wanted to project her insecurities onto me. Or maybe she was just batshit crazy, who knows? I don't care.
SCENE 6
Child Bitch Clock is coloring in his coloring book when he notices a strange white dust all over his book. He takes the dust, rubs it on his hands, and licks his hand in disgust.
BITCH CLOCK: Ewww, it's that waffle topping again! How did it get in my book?
MRS. CLOCK: Hey, Bitch, are you going to eat tonight's mashed potatoes?
BITCH CLOCK: Am I?!
MRS. CLOCK: I don't know. That's why I'm asking you.
BITCH CLOCK: No, Mommy, that means I am. That sounds awesome!
Cut to Bitch Clock throwing up in the toilet later on.
MRS. CLOCK: Those pills I gave you before and after the meal? Don't worry about them. You're a tough kid, you'll become immune to them.
BITCH CLOCK (V.O.): I actually did become immune to them. But it led to a lot of problems when I was younger.
SPARKY (V.O.): You mean, when you were older?
BITCH CLOCK (V.O.): What?
SPARKY (V.O.): You said "when you were younger." I think you meant to say when you were older?
BITCH CLOCK (V.O.): Yeah, yeah, whatever. Can I please finish the story?
SPARKY (V.O.): Do your thing.
SCENE 7
Children's Hospital
Seattle, Washington
Several years later, a teenage Bitch Clock is overweight and being checked out by his doctor, with his mother standing near him.
BITCH CLOCK: Doc, why am I so fat?
DOCTOR: It appears all the coating of the Valium pills you've consumed over the years have created a hole in your stomach which caused an urge for you to eat constantly.
MRS. CLOCK: He'll get over it, right? Puberty is supposed to make you more attractive anyway.
BITCH CLOCK: This is all your fault, Mom!
MRS. CLOCK: You can't blame me for anything, Bitch. You're the one who swallowed all those pills like candy.
BITCH CLOCK: Yeah, because you force-fed them to me in all the food you made! Now I'm going to spend years on this stupid Valium and be an overweight monster for the rest of my life!
MRS. CLOCK: Hey, shit happens.
BITCH CLOCK (V.O.): It was at that point that I realized my mother was mentally insane. "Shit happens" became my mantra for life, and I spent years resenting my mother for turning me into an underachiever.
SCENE 8
The MacDougal Household
Interior Bathroom
Seattle, Washington
Dissolve into the present day.
BITCH CLOCK: After I dropped out of high school, I moved out of my mom's place and I haven't talked to her since. I started getting into crime to deal with all the pain, did a couple bids, and through all that, I became the lovable alcoholic you know today.
SPARKY: How did any of this factor into your drinking problem?
BITCH CLOCK: Well, that all started when I worked my first job. I remember the first bottle of liquor I ever put in my mouth. It was a...
SPARKY: You know what? You can tell me that story later. But why can't you just try to patch things up with your mother? You're not doing yourself any favors by holding on to all this hate.
BITCH CLOCK: Sparky, I'm a grown clock, not a sitcom character. If my mom was willing to do all that stuff to me and turn me into a drug addict, then so be it. I don't owe her a damn thing.
SPARKY: So, you're 100% over it?
BITCH CLOCK: Yup. F*** her. When she dies, I'll spit on her grave like I should but until then, I'll keep popping Valiums, drinking like there's no tomorrow, and doing underground work with some shady spaghetti-eating scumbags.
SPARKY: I don't think I learned anything from this story.
BITCH CLOCK: You weren't supposed to. It was about my life. Damn, I hate your "me, me, me" generation.
Sparky shakes his head and leaves. Bitch Clock begins whistling the hook to "My Mom" while taking more Valiums. He then pulls out a bottle of Jack Daniels from thin air and starts drinking it to go with the pills.
SCENE 9
The Vidal Household
Seattle, Washington
"Insane (Segment #4)"
The "Insane" instrumental plays briefly in the background over an exterior shot of Halley's house at night. Cut to the dining room.
One night, the kids are eating dinner at Halley's place with her mother and her mother's new boyfriend.
CHUCK: So it was unbelievable. That's when I learned an important life lesson. If you continue to save your receipts, you'll never have to worry about an audit.
Beat. At that point, everyone starts laughing, which makes Chuck start laughing.
*to Sparky* BUSTER: What's an audit?
SPARKY: Beats me. But it sounds like it makes a really funny story.
*to RK* JAYLYNN: This guy is such a cornball. How did Halley's mother fall for him?
RK: Hey, corny people need love too. Half of these celebrities are cornballs, but they still bring home the bacon.
HALLEY: Alright, I think it's time for you guys to leave. Thanks for coming.
CHUCK: Yeah, you guys really made me feel good about my personality.
Cut to later on when the members of TSE are leaving.
*imitating Billy Ray Cyrus* CHUCK: Y'all come back now, you hear?
SPARKY: Don't worry, we will.
*to RK* JAYLYNN: I swear, we're not that corny. You've never been that corny.
RK: Thank you. You know, you've been great to talk to all night. I like this new Jaylynn, keep it up.
BUSTER: Hey Wade, you know what an audit is?
WADE: Sure do. You see, when it comes to an audit...
Cut back to inside the house.
HALLEY: I think they really liked you.
CHUCK: You think?
HALLEY: Yeah, they were laughing at all your jokes. You know, I was kinda sad when my mom told me she was dating again, but I think we're going to be good friends.
CHUCK: That's great, Halley. I usually don't date single mothers, but I just might have to make an exception for yours.
MRS. VIDAL: Isn't this great? The two most important people in my life right now.
HALLEY: I wasn't important before?
MRS. VIDAL: No, not really.
The three start laughing at that point.
SCENE 10
The Vidal Household
Interior Halley's Bedroom
Seattle, Washington
At night, Halley is sleeping when a mysterious figure opens the door. It is revealed to be Chuck, who has a stern look on his face. He fires up his chainsaw and is about to chop Halley's head off with it when she suddenly wakes up.
HALLEY: Who's that?
Chuck immediately turns off his chainsaw and hides it behind his back with a big goofy smile on his face.
HALLEY: Chuck, what are you doing in my room?
CHUCK: Oh, nothing. I just wanted to watch you sleep.
HALLEY: Oh. Why?
CHUCK: Because I...enjoy watching kids sleep. They're so precious. When I think about the youth of America today, I think...
HALLEY: Okay, I get it. But I get creeped out by people watching me sleep, so you think you could try that with another kid?
CHUCK: Hey, it's your house. I'll be on my way.
HALLEY: Alright, good night.
CHUCK: Night.
Chuck begins to leave, but he then fires up his chainsaw again and runs towards Halley screaming in an attempt to chop her head off. She wakes up and throws a bottle on her nightstand at Chuck, which causes him to drop his chainsaw and cut a hole in Halley's bedroom floor.
HALLEY: CHUCK, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!
CHUCK: I was trying to kill you, what does it look like I was doing?
HALLEY: WHY WERE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!
Chuck sees that the bedroom door is open, and then closes it. He turns on the lights so he can see Halley.
CHUCK: Look, you need to keep your mouth shut about this, you little bitch.
HALLEY: Excuse me?!
CHUCK: You're excused. Look, let me shoot straight with you here. I don't give a shit about you, and I sure as hell don't give a shit about your mother. I'm just here to get rid of you and bang your mother along the way.
HALLEY: Are you nuts?!
CHUCK: No, I'm insane. And I hate single mothers. You know how many of them need their kids? None. All their hopes and dreams are destroyed the minute they have them. So I'm doing them a favor by killing their kids and giving these hot young ladies the life they never had.
HALLEY: And what makes you think you're going to get away with this?!
CHUCK: Because if you try telling your mother, I'll kill you. Well, I'm going to kill you anyway, but snitching will just expedite the process and make me wanna kill you even more so if I were you, I would enjoy my last day here on Earth. You're in Chuck's world now.
Chuck grabs his chainsaw and leaves the room. Meanwhile, Halley is shaking after hearing about Chuck's plan. Chuck then comes back.
CHUCK: You know what? I'm sorry about the hole in the floor. That wasn't supposed to happen. Usually, when I kill, it's like bada bing bada boom, but you caught on quicker than I anticipated so...night.
Chuck turns off the lights and closes the door one last time.
SCENE 11
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Lunchroom
Seattle, Washington
The next day, Halley is talking to the guys about the previous night's events.
JAYLYNN: Wait, so that whole bootleg Mister Rogers thing he was doing was just an act?
HALLEY: Yes. Now, that psycho's going to kill me and there's nothing I can do about it. I better enjoy my last burrito.
SPARKY: Halley, if you really think we're going to let that guy put his hands on you, you must not know what's going on here.
HALLEY: Sparky, that's sweet, but what can you do? He's bigger, stronger, and he's done this hundreds of times before.
RK: Like that matters. We'll be ready for him.
SPARKY: Exactly. All you need to do is let us know what his plan is and we'll come to your house to kill him before he kills you.
BUSTER: So we're really about to murder a serial killer?!
WADE: Looks like we don't have a choice.
BUSTER: Well, I guess it's okay if we can save Halley. Killing her would be like stomping out a puppy.
SCENE 12
The Vidal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
That night, Halley is on her couch watching TV with her eyes widened. Chuck comes downstairs smoking a cigarette, shrugs when he sees Halley, and begins to stick the cigarette into her neck which makes her scream and fall to the floor.
HALLEY: The f***, man?!
CHUCK: What? I have to prepare for this. Okay, let's go to the backyard. Your mom doesn't have to see any bloodshed in a house that she most likely paid for.
HALLEY: Whatever. But can I go to the bathroom first?
CHUCK: Hey, if you need to freshen up, that's okay. I like my victims clean anyway.
Halley runs into the downstairs bathroom and starts texting Sparky. The kids are outside the house dressed in all-black with weapons including baseball bats, butcher knives, steel chairs, and RK's gun.
SPARKY: Okay, he's going to kill her in the backyard. Let's get him!
The kids leave Sparky's car with their weapons. Cut to Chuck leading Halley into the backyard while holding her at gunpoint.
CHUCK: I just don't understand why you wouldn't let me saw your head off last night. You're just making it more painful.
HALLEY: Go to hell.
CHUCK: Already there. Okay, now at this point, I will shine my gun up one more time...
Chuck uses a rag to make his gun shinier.
CHUCK: Flip it in the air...
Chuck flips his gun in the air for no discernible reason.
CHUCK: ...and make sure I have the precise hit which would be somewhere in the cranial region. Lots of killers make the mistake of using multiple bullets, but I'm more of the methodical type.
SPARKY: You shouldn't be wasting time with your monologues, Chuck.
(The "Insane" instrumental plays in the background, with the hook on top of it: "If you could count the skeletons in my closet/Under my bed and up under my faucet/Then you would know I completely lost it/Is he nuts? No, he's insane!")
RK fires a shot at Chuck's shoulder and Wade takes out his left knee with the baseball bat. Jaylynn passes Halley a sledgehammer and the six kids go to work on Chuck, assaulting him with their various weapons. With no hope of him countering the attack, RK attempts to shoot Chuck in his mouth, but Sparky grabs the gun and does it himself.
SPARKY: Never touch my girlfriend again!
BUSTER: Don't worry, Sparky, he's already dead.
Sparky gives Buster a bored expression.
JAYLYNN: Wow. We actually did it. We took down a vicious murderer.
RK: Please, that was nothing. He wasn't even a challenge.
WADE: You could say that again. Wait, Halley, who's that behind you?
The minute Halley turns around, she is shot twice in the chest, killing her instantly.
SPARKY: NOOOOOO, HALLEY!
The gunman is revealed to be Halley's mother.
SPARKY: IT WAS YOU?!
JAYLYNN: You bitch, that's your own daughter!
MRS. VIDAL: Don't you think I knew that? I've been tired of Halley for weeks. I only flew out here to have Chuck kill her, but I knew he couldn't do it. Because he was soft.
RK: You were in on it?!
MRS. VIDAL: The whole time. Now, which one of you wants to make the first move before I blow your brains out?
Beat. Sparky runs up to Halley's mother screaming and at that point, the screen cuts to black and a gunshot is heard. Another gunshot is heard, then another, then another. There is a brief pause as there is still one child remaining.
BUSTER: I WANNA LIVE!
Regardless, one last gunshot is heard.
SCENE 13
The MacDougal Household
Seattle, Washington
"Bagpipes from Baghdad (Segment #5)"
The "Bagpipes from Baghdad" instrumental plays briefly in the background as the camera shows an exterior afternoon shot of Sparky's house. Cut to inside the living room, where RK and Wade are served drinks by Bitch Clock.
BITCH CLOCK: Here's your punch, boys.
RK AND WADE: Thanks.
RK: You know, Bitch Clock, I still don't get why you invited us to this...what did you call it? A juice summit?
WADE: Yeah, I mean, what value do we offer you? Unless this is just a way to humiliate us.
RK: Is it?
BITCH CLOCK: No, of course not. I want to get to know you boys for who you are.
At that point, a thought bubble appears over Bitch Clock's head which shows RK and Wade assaulting him in "The Greatest Party That Never Happened." His left eye starts to twitch when the memory switches to the boys' attempt to drown him in Sparky's kitchen sink.
RK: Take that, you little bitch!
WADE: DIE!
The thought bubble disappears.
BITCH CLOCK: Time to drink, boys. Oh, by the way, RK, could you raise your glass and say l'chaim?
RK: What?
BITCH CLOCK: Just raise your glass and say l'chaim like an old Jewish man would. Make sure you put some phlegm on it.
RK: Um, okay, sure.
RK raises his glass of punch and clears his throat.
*with a nasal inflection* RK: L'chaim.
Bitch Clock starts cackling and pounds his fist on the couch while RK and Wade look at each other with disinterest. Bitch Clock falls on the floor and rolls around laughing, then stands up and wipes tears from his eyes.
BITCH CLOCK: I'm sorry, that's just a funny word.
Dissolve into later on, with "Five Minutes Later" appearing on the screen. RK and Wade are knocked out from the fruit punch Bitch Clock gave them, while the clock has a sinister look on his face.
BITCH CLOCK: Payback's a bitch. No pun intended.
SCENE 14
RK slowly opens his eyes and wakes up scratching his head. He is on the ground somewhere and his eyes widen when he realizes he has no knowledge of his location.
RK: What's going on here? WADE?! WADE?!
At that point, Wade wakes up next to RK.
WADE: Yeah, man, what's wrong?
RK: Look around.
Wade looks around and sees a green sky, a Ferris wheel on fire, a leprechaun playing the pungi, penguins walking out of a bar drunk and about to get in a car, and a fat German boy in a blue sailor suit being chased by a pack of ravenous dogs while leaving behind a trail of Chips Ahoy! cookies.
BOY: AAAAAAH! COOKIE, LOOKIE! COOKIE, LOOKIE!
WADE: RK, I'm starting to get the feeling we might be dead.
RK: Dead? We can't be! We never even had the chance to see how much people secretly missed us!
WADE: Well, if this isn't hell, then I don't want to know what is.
ISIS MEMBER: HEY!
Wade's eyes widen when he sees a group of ISIS terrorists near him.
WADE: Dear God, it's ISIS.
RK: See, this is why we're not dead. Because our casket's gonna get picked out right now.
ISIS MEMBER: What are you doing in our town?!
WADE: We have no idea. We're just trying to get back home to Seattle.
SCOTSMAN: HEY!
The boys look to the other side and see a group of angry Scotsmen with bagpipes.
SCOTSMAN: You seem to be a little lost, laddies! Maybe we can help you out.
RK: You know, there's still a chance for us to run.
WADE: Let's take that chance.
("Bagpipes from Baghdad" starts playing in the background)
RK and Wade run away screaming while being chased by the Scotsmen and the ISIS members simultaneously. The boys get shot at and hit with bagpipes. RK finds a truck filled with Miracle Whip mayonnaise and begins rubbing his chin.
RK: Wade, follow me in that truck! I have an idea.
RK and Wade run inside the truck and begin driving away from their attackers. Wade pulls a lever that releases a whole bunch of mayonnaise into the streets of the strange town, which engulfs the Scotsmen and ISIS members in the mayonnaise. RK and Wade end up driving the truck into a nearby ocean, but while the truck sinks upon entrance, RK and Wade are able to swim away and escape into a nearby underwater castle. They swim inside and end up being stared at by a number of fish.
RK: WHAT?! What are you looking at? Huh? I don't know what this hocus pocus, Harry Potter, Chronicles of Narnia shit world is, but my boy and I are sick and tired of this damn place and we want to go back home!
FISH: Then you have to speak to Mr. Gladney. He's the underwater manager of our society.
WADE: Well, where is this "underwater manager" you speak of?
RK: They really think we're dumb.
WADE: Right?
RK and Wade chuckle until they get trapped in a hook and pulled into Mr. Gladney's office by his great white shark security guard.
MR. GLADNEY: Have a seat, boys.
RK and Wade take a seat in front of Mr. Gladney's desk.
WADE: Can you explain to us what in God's name is going on here?
RK: Yeah, did we take acid or something?
MR. GLADNEY: Look, you're not on acid, but you're on LSD.
WADE: You're joking.
RK: When did we take that shit?!
MR. GLADNEY: Your friend Bitch Clock served you tainted fruit punch. He laced the juice with a special hallucinogenic drug that brought you to this multicultural post-apocalyptic society, where anything can happen.
WADE: When you say that, you make it sound like something that happens a lot.
MR. GLADNEY: It does. Bitch Clock has a lot of enemies, but I didn't know he had beef with a couple kids.
RK: We thought he killed our friends so we gave him a prison beating and tried to drown him.
MR. GLADNEY: Makes sense. Okay, I'm gonna get you boys out of here so you can kick that clock's ass, but I need to make sure you two are 100% focused in your goal, so I need to know right now: Do you like Frank Zappa?
RK and Wade look at each other with bewilderment.
RK: What the f*** kinda question is that?
MR. GLADNEY: Great. That confusion will serve you well.
Mr. Gladney takes out a copy of Frank Zappa's 1979 album Joe's Garage and holds it up.
MR. GLADNEY: Now stare into the album.
WADE: What?
MR. GLADNEY: STARE INTO IT, DAMN YOU!
RK and Wade stare into the album and after a few seconds, their eyes turn green.
MR. GLADNEY: Remember to beat the clock. Remember to beat the clock. Beat the clock, beat the clock, beat the clock, beat the clock, beat the clock...
At that point, Mr. Gladney's voice grows distant and the screen becomes completely white. Slowly, the whiteness fades out and there is a bird's eye view shot of RK and Wade waking up inside Sparky's attic/Bitch Clock's alcohol cellar.
RK: Wade?
WADE: Let's beat that clock.
RK: No, even better. Let's make him bleed.
SCENE 15
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Bitch Clock is watching TV while drinking a beer when the TV gets turned off by Wade. RK stands near him, and the two slowly walk up to Bitch Clock.
BITCH CLOCK: What do you assholes want? How come you turned off the TV? Why aren't you saying anything?! Wait, I know what's going on here.
Cut to an exterior shot of Sparky's house. Eminem's Auto-Tune outro from "Bagpipes from Baghdad" plays in the background as Bitch Clock is heard screaming, presumably from RK and Wade assaulting him.
SCENE 16
Wrigley Global Innovation Center
Chicago, Illinois
"Hello (Segment #6)"
The "Hello" instrumental plays briefly in the background as the camera shows an exterior shot of the Wrigley Company's global headquarters. Cut to a shot of William Wrigley Jr. II, the company's chairman, using his desktop computer when a fellow executive walks in.
CHAD: Hey, Will, um, me and the boys over in the Skittles department wanted you to check out our latest variation.
WILLIAM: It better be good.
CHAD: Okay, well, you know how the Food and Drug Administration has been pushing us to get more children addicted to drugs through our products?
WILLIAM: I'm getting bored by the second, Chad.
CHAD: Okay, well, for your approval, here is the latest Skittles variation set to ship out tomorrow: Skittles All-Stars.
Cut to a close-up of the orange pack of Skittles All-Stars.
CHAD: Now, you see, Will, kids love to eat candy around Halloween so that's the time period we're trying to target. See the orange pack? We have fruit punch in here, we have grape, blueberry, and apple. We also have lime. You know, making a comeback and whatnot. But the key here is in every piece, there is an undetectable chemical that has the same addictive qualities you can find in cocaine and heroin.
WILLIAM: Why is it called All-Stars?
CHAD: It's an arbitrary name.
WILLIAM: Love it. Generic is the key. Get those children high and stupid and we'll make millions. Now get out of my office.
Beat.
CHAD: What?
WILLIAM: Did you not hear me the first time? Get the f*** out of my office.
CHAD: Right.
Chad runs out of the office in fear.
SCENE 17
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
Some time has passed since the initial office meeting and RK and Wade are walking through the hallway, witnessing several kids running around, shaking near their lockers, throwing up, and screaming.
WADE: Do you believe me now when I say those Skittles are poison?
RK: Damn, man, you're right. This whole time, I thought it was just exams but I think you're on to something.
WADE: It has to be. That's why Jaylynn had to stay home for the third day this week. Something's going on with that candy.
RK: Is it up to us to figure it out?
WADE: I don't see anyone else willing to do it.
At that point, Sanna runs to RK and grabs him by the collar.
SANNA: Where's my hit? I need the hit, RK! GIVE ME MY HIT, JENNINGS!
RK: Stay away from me, you crack fiend!
RK shoves Sanna away from him. Wade gives him an angry expression.
RK: I'm sorry, my inner Republican came out.
SCENE 18
Lucky Star Deli & Grocery
Seattle, Washington
After school, Wade analyzes the ingredients of the new Skittles while RK watches him.
RK: I hope the Feds aren't after us.
WADE: HA! Just as I suspected. One of the most prominent ingredients here is the same chemical they put in drugs like marijuana and crack. They're feeding kids drugs!
RK: Of course. First, the government tells us to just say no, now they're putting drugs in our candy?! Where does it end with these bastards?!
WADE: Okay, now, what we need to do is take this candy and expose its addictive qualities to the media. Then we can get the company shut down.
Cut to RK and Wade walking outside the corner store.
WADE: I'm telling you, RK, we're going to blow the doors off Wrigley. I can't believe they would do this to kids.
RK: I would. I'm just wondering why no other kids have noticed the ingredients in this stuff.
WADE: Dude, do you really think children would pay attention to the ingredients of candy?
RK: I would. I like reading stuff. That's why our generation is going to die early. Too much poison in the water supply.
RK and Wade leave the corner store when the camera pans over to a Wrigley executive standing near a tree.
WRIGLEY EXEC: Will, we have a problem. Someone uncovered Skittles All-Stars. Beat. I don't know, some black kid and his fat white friend. I'm pretty sure the black kid's the brains of the operation. He sounds like he does nothing but read shit all day. Beat. Yeah, I'm on it.
SCENE 19
The Saltalamacchia Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
That night, Wade is analyzing one of the Skittles using one of his inventions when three Wrigley executives walk in.
WADE: You boys looking for something?
WRIGLEY EXEC #1: Wade Saltalamacchia, we are aware of your discovery of our plans to indoctrinate children into the world of narcotics. We demand you cease your investigation immediately.
WADE: Absolutely not. Kids don't even know what they want to watch on TV when they wake up. Now you're trying to take away something that's near and dear to them so you can turn them into mindless zombies? It's unethical.
WRIGLEY EXEC #2: We're giving you the option right now. We're showing you mercy. End your investigation into our plans and you'll never see us again.
WADE: Forget it. I'm seeing this to the end.
WRIGLEY EXEC #1: You've forced our hand. Get the stun gun.
WADE: Wait, what?
Another Wrigley executive takes the stun gun and grabs Wade before he can run, then incapacitates him with the gun. Wade is then held by the other two executives while the third executive takes out a pack of All-Star Skittles, crushes them with a mini-blender, and feeds them to Wade. He continues crushing packs into smoothies for Wade to digest.
SCENE 20
The Saltalamacchia Household
Exterior Entrance
Seattle, Washington
The next morning, a large crowd of people has gathered near Wade's house. Wade is on a stretcher being taken to the hospital while breathing through a tube. RK and Adriana hold back tears as they stand near the ambulance with the rest of the kids. A female reporter is being filmed near the scene.
FEMALE REPORTER: An awful situation here in Seattle this morning as a local eight-year-old boy was found unresponsive by his friend and is now being taken to a local medical facility. More news to follow as we get updates on the event in question.
Cut to the Wrigley executives watching the news report on TV at the Space Needle Diner.
WRIGLEY EXEC #1: Will's going to be so proud of us. That kid knew too much.
WRIGLEY EXEC #2: Do you ever wonder if we've lost our sense of morals?
WRIGLEY EXEC #1: The fact that you're asking that question means that you still think there's room for morals in business.
WRIGLEY EXEC #2: Are we still going to see those chicks at the strip club later?
WRIGLEY EXEC #1: Why ask me that? Of course we are. It's my birthday, idiot.
SCENE 21
The MacDougal Household
Seattle, Washington
"Same Song & Dance (Segment #7)"
The "Same Song & Dance" instrumental plays briefly in the background as the camera shows an exterior shot of Sparky's house at night. Sparky is shown sitting next to Buster watching TV.
BUSTER: I still can't believe Jaylynn and Halley are dead. Who could do this?
SPARKY: It's going to be okay, Buster. We'll get through it. We have to.
BUSTER: You know, you're really calm for someone who lost their pen pal and their girlfriend.
SPARKY: Well, I'm the leader. You have to show strength in the face of adversity or nothing will matter.
BUSTER: I wish one day, I become as strong as you.
SPARKY: Yeah, I have the will of a bodybuilder. Okay, I'm going upstairs to freshen up.
SCENE 22
The MacDougal Household
Interior Bedroom
Seattle, Washington
Sparky is talking to Bitch Clock about the murders.
BITCH CLOCK: You know, at some point, you have to tell Buster the truth.
SPARKY: He won't understand. You think I'm going to tell my best friend that I like murdering girls every October? Sure, he'll be okay with it.
BITCH CLOCK: How did you do it anyway?
SPARKY: You're sick. I'm not telling you anything.
BITCH CLOCK: Yeah, I'm the sicko when you killed your girlfriend and your old pen pal.
SPARKY: Alright, fine, here's the story.
SCENE 23
(The instrumental to "Same Song & Dance" plays in the background over Sparky's explanation, as a montage is shown of his previous murders, including the murders of Halley and Jaylynn.)
SPARKY (V.O.): For as long as I could remember, I've just had this weird taste for killing girls right before Halloween. At first, it was simple stuff like poisoning a girl's milk or throwing them through tables so their necks cracked. Then it got more intricate. One night, I invited Jaylynn and Halley over for TV but I was setting the trap. I called Halley to the backyard and choked her out. I wanted Jaylynn to see, I wanted her to come out there so I could slice her head off like a machete because I'm a performer and I thrive off the energy of a captive audience. Then I called some French dudes to take care of the bodies.
BITCH CLOCK (V.O.): I didn't know thorough dudes came from France.
SPARKY (V.O.): Surprising, I know.
SCENE 24
The MacDougal Household
Interior Bedroom
Seattle, Washington
Dissolve into the present day.
SPARKY: I used to hate myself for what I did, but now, I love it. I'm just not ready to tell Buster yet.
BITCH CLOCK: Well, that boy couldn't catch a cold, so if he never catches on, I won't be surprised.
BUSTER: Guess again.
Sparky gasps when he sees an enraged Buster at the door.
SPARKY: Buster, you weren't supposed to hear that.
BUSTER: Yeah, I should have never heard the fact that my best friend is just a big disgusting killer?! How dare you?!
SPARKY: Yeah, how dare I? Now you know, and you know too much.
Sparky pulls out a gun and kills Buster instantly by shooting him in the chest.
SPARKY: Shoulda kept your mouth shut, you stupid son of a bitch.
BITCH CLOCK: Dude, what the hell?! You just put your best friend on a T-shirt!
SPARKY: Oh my God. What did I do? I really am disgusting.
Beat.
BITCH CLOCK: Are you going to call those French dudes now, or should I?
SCENE 25
The Jennings Household
Seattle, Washington
"We Made You (Segment #8)"
The "We Made You" instrumental plays briefly over the background as the camera shows a shot of RK's house in the daytime. Cut to RK writing something down while the other kids gather around him.
WADE: So let me get this straight. You're writing a list of the top five celebrities you want dead?
RK: Yeah. And I'm almost done with it. Alright, here you go. The five celebrities that I think are the scum of the Earth.
BUSTER: Let me read it!
RK gives Buster his list.
BUSTER: Okay. Charlie Sheen, Roseanne Barr, Azealia Banks, Jackie Mason, and Lucy Hale.
RK: They're not in order by the way, just interchangeable pieces of shit.
SPARKY: I'm surprised you didn't have Mike Scully on your list.
RK: He was a dishonorable mention.
JAYLYNN: I wonder who I would put on my list. I hate most celebrities anyway. I guess I could start with Sean Penn.
WADE: Why would you have Sean Penn on your list?
JAYLYNN: Oh, no reason. I just think he's really ugly.
SCENE 26
The Jennings Household
Interior RK's Bedroom
Seattle, Washington
At night, RK is sleeping when he gets tapped by a scythe. He opens his eyes and screams when he sees Death standing before him.
DEATH: Don't be alarmed. It's just me, Death.
RK: That's exactly why I should be alarmed! What are you even doing here?!
DEATH: Well, I got a memo stating that an RK Jennings is dying and he was writing up his will.
RK: Whoever writes your memos should be fired. I just wrote up a list of the top five celebrities I want dead. See?
RK takes the list from his nightstand and gives it to Death.
DEATH: I like your initiative. Lucy Hale?
RK: It's really complicated. So, now that that's cleared up, could you please leave before I call the cops?
DEATH: Actually, kid, I think you could help me out. I usually have this period where I purge the world of the most depraved celebrities, but with all the paperwork I'm buried in, you could take the load off.
RK: You want me to take your place as Death and kill celebrities for you? That's sick, I'm not doing that!
DEATH: But you already have the list. You have the murderous spirit inside you, you can't fake that. Think of it as your chance to kill all the celebrities that make you sick.
RK: That list was just for fun. Besides, I really don't feel comfortable having the lives of an entire industry in my hands.
DEATH: I could just kill you right now and make it easier for you.
RK: Find me a child size version of that outfit and you have a deal.
SCENE 27
("We Made You" plays in the background)
The next day, RK puts on his child size Death outfit and assumes Death's role, with the goal to murder as many celebrities as he can from the list Death gave him and his own handpicked list. He goes to the houses of several celebrities and kills them by grabbing them or lightly tapping them with his scythe. Some of RK's victims include Camila Cabello, Mark Wahlberg, Gene Simmons, every member of the Kardashian family, Gina Rodriguez, Ted Nugent, Megyn Kelly, and Jerry "The King" Lawler. As a favor to Jaylynn, RK makes a visit to Sean Penn's house and kills him as well.
SCENE 28
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
At night, RK comes back home and greets Buster and KG, who are watching TV.
RK: At ease, gents.
KG: I still can't believe Death picked you to kill a whole bunch of celebrities.
RK: Hey, I couldn't believe it either, but it's not all fun and games. I had to rid the world of people that actually had fans. Imagine all the 15-year-old white girls that are going to cry over Camila being dead. But I owed it to Wade, he's a good egg.
SCENE 29
The Jennings Household
Interior RK's Bedroom
Seattle, Washington
The next morning, Buster walks into RK's room and sees the Death outfit.
BUSTER: I guess Death never came for his stuff. Hey, if RK can kill a bunch of people he doesn't like, I can do it too! I have a dentist's appointment anyway.
Buster takes the cloak and scythe and runs out of the room.
SCENE 30
The Jennings Household
Seattle, Washington
"Medicine Ball (Segment #9)"
The "Medicine Ball" instrumental plays briefly in the background as the camera shows an exterior shot of RK's house. Cut to a shot of KG watching TV when RK runs downstairs.
RK: KG, MY CLOAK! MY SCYTHE! THEY'RE GONE! WHO ROBBED ME?!
KG: It was probably Buster. I haven't gone in your room to steal money in years.
RK: Of course. He...wait, you used to steal my money? But seriously, when I catch him, he's going to wish it was Death coming for him after I'm through!
KG: You do realize that if you try attacking Buster, he can just kill you, right?
RK: It's a risk I'm willing to take. I'm not going to let the world be at Buster's mercy. But when I come back, we're going to talk about this stealing money thing because, um...I don't like that shit at all.
KG: I grew out of it!
SCENE 31
Buster leaves the dentist's office covered in blood, and raises his scythe towards anyone staring in his direction.
BUSTER: I really should have washed this off. Wait a minute. If I'm Death now, then I have the power to kill anybody I want! That gives me an idea.
A man accidentally walks into Buster's scythe, and ends up dead. Everyone sees the situation, but Buster simply walks away without saying or doing anything else.
SCENE 32
("Medicine Ball" plays in the background)
Buster is driving his car in the bloody outfit while having an enraged look on his face. During his drive, flashbacks are shown of the events of "Welcome Home, Mr. Newman" that led to Buster living with RK, including an unseen incident of one of the tenants laughing at him as he leaves. Tears begin falling down Buster's face as he relives the memories, and when he arrives at the Westboro Complex, he slams the car door shut and carries the scythe over his shoulder with evil intentions. At that point, RK runs up to Buster and a record needle scratch effect is heard as Buster immediately loses his look of rage.
RK: Buster Carlisle Newman, you put that scythe down right now! You're just a boy. You have no idea how to control that kind of power!
BUSTER: How did you find me?
RK: Well, this is where things all went wrong. Plus, I was lucky as f***. Now, let's go home before Death comes to kill us both.
BUSTER: RK, you don't understand. When I first left my condo, one of those jerks just laughed at me because of the fire. He just laughed at me like that's the thing to do. Now, it's time to make him feel what I felt. I'm going to put him in my world.
RK: Did that really happen?
BUSTER: The way I remember it, yeah.
RK: Dude, you can't do this. You're getting too ahead of yourself with this suit. You're just killing innocent people for no reason, and that's not going to make you happy. Come on, man, please reconsider this.
Buster starts crying again.
BUSTER: Okay, man, I won't do it. Thanks for talking me down.
RK: Of course. You're my friend and I love you, man.
BUSTER: Bring it in, Jennings.
Buster and RK hug, but because Buster has Death's powers, RK immediately dies in his arms.
BUSTER: RK? RK, are you taking a nap? Oh, shit, I killed him.
At that point, Death emerges from the ground and witnesses the situation.
DEATH: Of course. You know, part of me knew no good could come from delegating the responsibility of killing a bunch of high-profile celebrities to a child, but if I knew this would happen, I would have just killed RK myself.
BUSTER: How did you find me?
DEATH: I'm Death!
BUSTER: Right. Can't you do some voodoo trick to bring him back to life? He didn't deserve this!
DEATH: Nope, not as long as the rules of death apply. But you? Caving in to your selfish desires, killing for the sense of personal satisfaction? Satan would be proud. Here's my business card.
Death gives Buster his business card. Buster begins to cry a third time and Death starts laughing at him.
DEATH: I just wanted to see the dumb look on your face! Alright, I'll bring him back. But just this one time.
Death zaps RK and brings him back to life.
RK: What happened? It was like I was falling into a pit of fire and then the theme song to Sesame Street started playing.
DEATH: Forget about it. Now, if you excuse me, I'm going to take this outfit and go negotiate a deal to finally kill off Harvey Weinstein. It's taken months, but I'm on the verge of convincing the gods that he can make great slave labor in hell.
Death descends into the ground again.
RK: Were we supposed to learn something from all this?
BUSTER: Killing the people you hate doesn't solve your problems?
RK: No, I actually feel really good knowing that a Pretty Little Liars reunion will never happen.
SCENE 33
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
"Paul (Segment #10)"
OCTOBER 24, 2018 - 1:38 A.M. PST
A shot of the Jennings' answering machine is shown. A house call ends up going to voicemail.
KG (V.O.): You've reached the Jennings and the Newman. Do your thing. Later.
*A beeping sound is heard.*
PAUL ROSENBERG (V.O.): Yeah, guys, it's Paul Rosenberg. If you don't know, I'm Eminem's manager. Um, the network sent me an advance copy of your Halloween episode. Listen, I just watched the whole thing and...you gotta be f***ing kidding me. I mean, you're parodying my client's intellectual property and no one over there had half a brain to contact him? Or me, or Dre, or Jimmy? This is unacceptable, guys. I don't care who I have to talk to, it doesn't matter. If you don't get this episode pulled from the air, I'm getting it pulled myself and I'll sue you for everything you're worth. Happy Halloween, motherf***ers.
Paul is heard hanging up at that point. Cut to black.